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Original poster

Christmas cards for the bereaved

39 replies

puppydustbin · 19/12/2021 03:03

I realise it's a bit late now as anyone who sends them has probably already written them.

However ...

If you know someone who has lost a partner or a child, please acknowledge it in the card.

Our son died 2 years ago. He was 14. This year, we've received less cards than normal, which is fine, but not a single me of them mentions his name, or acknowledges him at all.

It hurts to see our family addressed with him there. I don't expect people to include him at the top, that would be weird, but a simple 'thinking of' or 'raising a glass to' would make all the difference.

Every bereaved parent I know finds it equally upsetting, but I'm not sure that other people realise that. I know the friends who have sent a card don't mean to be insensitive or unkind.

So this is my public service announcement to you all.

OP posts:
tortiecat · 19/12/2021 03:15

This is an excellent reminder - thank you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your DS, OP, and that nobody has mentioned him in your cards this year. He is, and always will be, a part of your family.

bettys9thleg · 19/12/2021 03:33

That's an important message I wouldn't know what to write but to give the right words is really helpful. Xx

Rudeppl · 19/12/2021 03:40

We grew up ireland...the rule is if someone dies that year, you do not send a Christmas card as a mark of respect. Is it different where you are? Sorry for your loss xxx

ElftonWednesday · 19/12/2021 03:44

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm afraid I didn't write that in a card to a neighbour recently, but I wrote his name "and family" rather than writing their names and leaving his wife's name out, who passed away in the spring.

People are afraid of being mawkish, overstepping, saying the wrong thing and causing more upset, they are not being unkind.

heywhatswrongwitu · 19/12/2021 06:21

It seems obvious to me that this would hurt, but perhaps that's because I have lost someone in my family recently. When we got our first card without their name it hurt a lot. I would now always put 'thinking of _'

Roselilly36 · 19/12/2021 06:38

So sorry for your loss, a friend of mine lost her child at a similar age, I always include his name on cards, i know she never wants him to be forgotten. As if we ever would, we still think about him & talk about him all the time. You never forget special people that touch your lives.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 19/12/2021 06:45

Thank you for writing this. I have had to write a few cards to bereaved friends in the last couple of years and I always, always struggle.

I never know if I should say something or not. I’ve usually copped out with saying I have ‘happy memories of you and (whomever) at Christmas X years ago’.

I’ll try to be more direct in the future.

blackteaplease · 19/12/2021 06:47

My widowed friend has said this to me. I admit I missed her husband's name out as that is her new reality without thinking of the upset that would cause to read.

Hairwizard · 19/12/2021 07:14

N.i. here. Fil passed week before halloween. They arent sending cards this year and ive not seen any in (was round yest). There are some mass cards in though, and not the ones that came in after he passed.
I think i would struggle to know what to write tbh as wouldnt want to upset anyone who has lost someone.

TallulahsCurse · 19/12/2021 07:20

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

I have to respectfully disagree. Obviously there are families who definitely want family members names included so I don't disagree with that & I can understand why people would want it.

However it's not all families who want it. I've lost a child and if someone writes their name on something it's just too much for me. I have severe ptsd from what happened and even years down the line I wouldn't be able to cope with reading a name on a card.

Many families will want it but it isn't every family.

blindspots · 19/12/2021 07:22

Also a bereaved parent here.

Funnily enough my young son died earlier this year and we have not received any Christmas cards, even from family.

But in all the cards, gift messages etc for online present orders I have made I have signed off with all of our names and his initial. Where our other children have written cards they have written his name in full.

I would love to get something from somebody remembering him but

TallulahsCurse · 19/12/2021 07:44

@blindspots

Also a bereaved parent here.

Funnily enough my young son died earlier this year and we have not received any Christmas cards, even from family.

But in all the cards, gift messages etc for online present orders I have made I have signed off with all of our names and his initial. Where our other children have written cards they have written his name in full.

I would love to get something from somebody remembering him but

I'm sorry for your loss too - I think that probably the majority of people (certainly from the people I know who have lost children) probably would like to have family members included. If people write the names themselves as you have then I'd say it's a definite.

I just always want people to be a little careful when they say things like in the OP "everyone wants it" which then feels like everyone is being spoken for, but I don't fit in there...

Not everyone wants it; on the whole people who know me know me well know I have ptsd and they would also know that I don't write his name .. so I think just be mindful that yes a lot of people will appreciate it but not all

Musicaltheatremum · 19/12/2021 07:48

As a widow I would have found it very strange if some one had written my husband's name in the card...ok mentioning it the first year but how long does it go on. I think the trouble is there's no rules on this and it's a very personal thing. So very difficult to get right.

BigYellowHat · 19/12/2021 07:48

I wouldn’t have even thought to put that so thanks for letting people know. It’s often hard for people to know how to strike the right balance rather than being malicious.

hesbeen2021 · 19/12/2021 08:08

As a bereaved parent of many years I always signed cards with
Love from hesbeen, DD and always remembering late son's name.
I'm afraid that I was horrified with a few people who sent cards that first year as if he didn't exist.
The majority copied my greetings and addressed to us all with the 'remembering late son'
Over the years cards have dried up and I don't send them anymore.

olympicsrock · 19/12/2021 08:22

My cousin is a bereaved parent and hates to receive cards that do not mention him. She signs cards from their whole family including the son.
I think the right thing to do is to write To X Y Z and always remembering T. We do of course remember him xx

feelingkenty · 19/12/2021 08:30

@Musicaltheatremum

As a widow I would have found it very strange if some one had written my husband's name in the card...ok mentioning it the first year but how long does it go on. I think the trouble is there's no rules on this and it's a very personal thing. So very difficult to get right.
I think it's slightly different for bereaved parents (obviously not all) as since our children only lived for a short while (years, weeks, days, not at all etc) we don't want them to be forgotten just because they didn't get the chance at a long life, get to leave a partner/ children/ colleagues etc.

In that I way I think it's different to losing a spouse or a parent with regards to the ongoing mentioning of your person.

In my case my son was only 2 when he died of cancer and I would hate for him to feel forgotten just because he only had a short life.

Thanks for the other bereaved parents on this post, it's a difficult time of year for sure

feelingkenty · 19/12/2021 08:32

Obviously everyone is different and has different feelings about the matter, and so I can only speak from my perspective and what I have seen on all the grief blogs etc that I follow now

Pixiedust1234 · 19/12/2021 08:36

No. Not all of us would want that. It took ten years before I could hear or see her name without it causing me to react badly, even if they weren't talking about my child (eg an actress). Not everyone grieves in the same way.

TallulahsCurse · 19/12/2021 08:40

@feelingkenty

Obviously everyone is different and has different feelings about the matter, and so I can only speak from my perspective and what I have seen on all the grief blogs etc that I follow now
I do think I'm more in the minority, but I just wanted to point out that it isn't everyone.

However, I would say that to those who are close enough to me to send cards, they would also be close enough to know I have ptsd and that they would know I don't write his name. So I think to an extent someone would maybe be aware if they knew someone like me who perhaps wouldn't be able to cope with it.

However, I guess what I would say is that, obviously, if someone did write it, I wouldn't think they'd done the wrong thing or be angry. I never forget my son and so it's not like his name on a card would suddenly make me remember - clearly not. He's always present with me.

So I would say if you're unsure but think you would like to write something, something like PPs have said ... Dear Tallulah, DH, DCs, and always remembering DS..... I would be taken aback yes but I wouldn't think that they'd done something thoughtless. I could cope with that wording although I would prefer nothing.

I guess I'm just trying to reassure people reading the thread that whilst I've said I wouldn't like his name writing, you're not going to cause major problems if you did ... It's alwsys going to have been a thoughtful thing to do.

Snuggledupforwinter · 19/12/2021 08:45

We've sadly lost 2 good friends this year and I didnt know really what to say in the xmas cards to their widows and young family as it feels so odd to leave him/her off. Thanks for the PPs.

PanettoneSeason · 19/12/2021 09:01

@puppydustbin I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I completely agree with you ❤️ I think unless you know the family definitely would not like them mentioned then I would always mention them in the card. The first year after my loved one passed I found it very difficult reading their name mentioned in a different way (“remembering X” etc) but I found it even more difficult reading card where they weren’t mentioned at all.
We are friends with a family who have lost a child and I always acknowledge the child’s birthday too ❤️

VienneseWhirligig · 19/12/2021 09:04

I hadn't realised until I read this, but all the cards from friends say to Viennese and family, when really the only family I have at home is DS. I hadn't clicked that it was people trying to be sensitive and avoid putting Viennese and DS, because usually the card would have had DH's name on. It's now obvious and I feel a bit daft for not noticing.

Family cards are harder. The ones that sound be just to me and DH (the daughter and son in law type cards) are now just daughter cards. It feels worse to be the one writing the cards though knowing people will feel awkward if I include DH's name on them... and if I don't I feel like I'm writing him out of my family unit.

PermanentTemporary · 19/12/2021 09:08

It's a lovely thought and I will try to remember for others. I have to say that it would never have occurred to me after dh died that he should still be included in Christmas cards - I don't think people should feel bad if they don't do this.

Original poster
puppydustbin · 19/12/2021 09:11

I don't want to make people feel bad (and I certainly don't want to speak for all grieving people, I'm sorry it that came across).

I just thought I'd mention it on here because I think as a society we're so uncomfortable with all of this. People mean well, and want to be thoughtful but often don't know how.

Sometimes it's easier just to tell people how.

OP posts: