Christmas cards for the bereaved

[puppydustbin]

I realise it's a bit late now as anyone who sends them has probably already written them.

However ...

If you know someone who has lost a partner or a child, please acknowledge it in the card.

Our son died 2 years ago. He was 14. This year, we've received less cards than normal, which is fine, but not a single me of them mentions his name, or acknowledges him at all.

It hurts to see our family addressed with him there. I don't expect people to include him at the top, that would be weird, but a simple 'thinking of' or 'raising a glass to' would make all the difference.

Every bereaved parent I know finds it equally upsetting, but I'm not sure that other people realise that. I know the friends who have sent a card don't mean to be insensitive or unkind.

So this is my public service announcement to you all.

@TallulahsCurse I think it's a good reminder (to me at the very least) that just like any other group, just because we have one terrible event in common, bereaved parents are not a hive mind and we all feel differently about things and we all want to remember our children differently.

I need to remember that as well.

whether or not I mention it depends on the bereaved friend TBH
But always avoid the jolly ho ho ho cards.

Yes a simple 'and think of...'
My husband passed away 12 years ago and no one mentions him, after this time I don't expect it. But I always include a photo of him on the back with the kids (personalised card so photo of the kids on the front) wishing him a happy Christmas. I know people look out for it.

[quote feelingkenty]@TallulahsCurse I think it's a good reminder (to me at the very least) that just like any other group, just because we have one terrible event in common, bereaved parents are not a hive mind and we all feel differently about things and we all want to remember our children differently.

I need to remember that as well. [/quote]
I think as well it also depends on the families religious or spiritual beliefs. So I know loads of people (you always know too many when you're in this community as you will know) who are very much along the lines of believing in "Angel babies", that they see signs of their children - feathers falling etc, that they're in heaven or somewhere where we as living family could eventually join them. And I respect that, and I respect that they also then want their child included as they are still in some way there, although not on Earth I suppose.

We have no beliefs as such, nothing, we are atheists and we believe when you're gone you're gone, so to me I wouldn't want a card addressed TO my son (even without my own emotional response) because I don't believe he is anywhere now and I would find any suggestion that he is upsetting, as obviously I would do anything I could to get him back.

So maybe that's why I don't like a card addressed TO him, but I would he more ok with 'remembering" if that makes any sense.

The problem is op, that everyone is different. Some people would like it acknowledged one way, others another, some prefer not to receive Christmas cards at all, some don't want their bereavement mentioned. Unless you know the person very well it's a bit of a minefield and you can easily do the wrong thing.

Then there's the consideration, for how many years - first year yes, I think most people would think that was appropriate, by 2nd,3rd ... not all families would want it written on Christmas cards.

I work with bereaved people and it's so hard to generalise anything, I think the only advice is to know your friend/family member and do what's right for them

@Musicaltheatremum

That's my experience too - I work with lots of widows (occupational hazard!) and most are incredibly matter of fact, they do mention they late husband's but are very much living now and do not expect cards etc referencing them. Some even have gentleman friends that I know about but their families do not (discretion is important in my work!)

I am very sorry for your loss. I think it may depend very much on the person. I know I would be upset by someone including my lost relatives in a Christmas card, and wouldn't treat their not doing so as meaning that they'd forgotten them. It might be different if I were religious; but to me, and I think many people nowadays, Christmas is mainly an occasion for family fun and merriment, and I would feel that including a lost relative was twisting the knife.

Instead, I would suggest that, either in addition or instead of a Christmas card, people might send a separate card, non-merry, non-Christmassy, with a message on the lines of 'Thinking of X. Best thoughts to you and the family' or similar.

If the bereavement was recent, it's best IMO not to send a card saying Merry Christmas. That could imply that they're expected to be merry in the face of a loss. 'Best wishes for Christmas and the New Year' might be better,

@gogohm

The problem is op, that everyone is different. Some people would like it acknowledged one way, others another, some prefer not to receive Christmas cards at all, some don't want their bereavement mentioned. Unless you know the person very well it's a bit of a minefield and you can easily do the wrong thing.

Then there's the consideration, for how many years - first year yes, I think most people would think that was appropriate, by 2nd,3rd ... not all families would want it written on Christmas cards.

I work with bereaved people and it's so hard to generalise anything, I think the only advice is to know your friend/family member and do what's right for them

Very much agree.

I would agree with the advice to avoid “merry” Christmas cards, which would be heartless in the extreme.
Many charities sell lovely cards where the message is “wishing you a peaceful Christmas”, which is much more appropriate.
As a widow of 30 years standing, I would have been very hurt by anyone addressing a card to me and my late DH - I would think they’d forgotten he was dead, or were being thoughtless. However, a note saying they were thinking of him, or offering prayers or support, would have been kind and suitable.

@feelingkenty I totally understand about loosing children being different to a spouse. Emotions totally different.
I'm getting married again next year and we do speak of my late husband and my children are around so it's their dad we talk of.

Thus post brought another memory to mind ...a very sad one. I still vividly remember the first parents I looked after on the day their son was stillborn. It was in may 1991, I was a junior doctor in obstetrics at the time. I remember his name to this day and remember how important it was to talk to them using their son's name. Gosh he would have been 30 now. It has had a lasting impression on me.

I work with bereaved people and it's so hard to generalise anything, I think the only advice is to know your friend/family member and do what's right for them

This.

I have sent Christmas cards to bereaved friends and family over the years but choose them carefully.
No ‘Have a cracking Christmas’ , ‘’Eat, drink and be Merry’, ‘Have fun this Christmas’ or ‘Hope all your Christmas wishes come true’
Cards obviously.

‘Wishing a peaceful Christmas’ or the like is better - A winter, Holly, snow scene with no wording is what I usually go for.

Just my observation as an older person. Sadly several close friends have been widowed in recent years, and it would never occur to me to put their late husband's name on the card, nor do they. However I do try and make a point of remembering their loved ones in conversations or text, recalling lovely Christmases we've shared etc. I think as a parent it must be difficult seeing a name left out. When our Children leave home and send their own cards we automatically leave their name off cards, but a child who never "left" is still with us emotionally.

Sorry if I have expressed myself awkwardly. OP if you mentioned your child in a card to me I would gladly respond. If you didn't, I wouldn't. Most people I hope would be sensitive enough to take the lead from you, but some may find it difficult.

As a widow it’s also very difficult to receive cards with the unthinking “Happy Christmas !”

For people in similar positions, I normally try and wish them a “peaceful Christmas” but have actually stopped sending cards altogether.