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Christmas

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Original poster

Getting his mother to wrap my present???

33 replies

noirchatsdeux · 12/12/2021 12:29

Don't know if I'm being unreasonable, put this has pissed me off this morning....

Background: I have a partner of 12 years, he lives/works 200 miles away. Suits me as I never want to live with another man full time again. He lives in the same city as his parents, he's an only child. I'm 53, he's 51.

He always asks me what I want for Christmas - I don't like surprises (neither does he) so I usually pick what I want and he pays for it...and vice versa. He used to work most Christmases, but was promoted in his job and we will be spending this Christmas Day together. This year, I've ordered a ring online and had it sent to his address. It arrived this morning, and I mentioned that I hoped he'd wrap it up nicely to give me on the day (he has form for just giving stuff in the envelope/box it arrived in)...

His reply "Well I'm not as I am crap. Mum will." That reply has really pissed me off! For one, I've been NC with his parents for 7 years (his father in particular is a homophobic, racist xenophobe who thinks GB News is the best thing since sliced bread) who treats everyone like crap. He particularly doesn't like me because I'm a foreign divorced woman who doesn't have and never wanted children. I gave up trying to have a relationship with them after the time I went for a pre-Christmas meal at their house and partner's father decided to sulk in their bedroom for the whole day/evening - rude as hell and I'm too old for that type of bullshit from anyone. What hurt even more was that I've got no family here and partner was working that Christmas, so I was going to be spending it totally on my own...that was essentially my Christmas Day that year.

The other reason is that I just don't want his mother seeing my gift! It's none of her business. Was I being unfair when I replied " Don't get your mother to wrap it! FFS you're a man of 51 not a bloody 15 year old!" ?

OP posts:

Sn0tnose · 12/12/2021 15:17

I don’t really understand this sort of gift giving.

But, assuming he has full use of both hands and no conditions that would restrict him, I’d consider a grown man who was incapable of putting a piece of paper around an item and securing it with sellotape to be quite pathetic. You’ve chosen your gift, you’ve ordered it, you’ve had it sent to his address. Wouldn’t he like to put some type of effort in somewhere?

Did he suggest you were being unfair?

Soontobe60 · 12/12/2021 15:26

He’s not your partner, he’s your boyfriend. You sound controlling TBH. Neither of you seem to make much effort with gifts. So why would you bother who wraps it up? Or indeed that it’s even wrapped up? It’s hardly going to be a surprise is it?

Lou98 · 12/12/2021 15:30

While I agree he should wrap it himself, your reasons seem quite petty - sounds like he's still in contact with his family so saying you don't want his mum to see your gift is ridiculous

furbabymama87 · 12/12/2021 15:32

Overreaction about nothing. I'm crap at wrapping, I'll get my husband to do it as he's better than me. It's not like she bought your gift.

Original poster

noirchatsdeux · 12/12/2021 15:42

I thought my original post was long enough as it was, perhaps I should have explained more about why I'm pissed off - my partner (as a 53 year old twice divorced woman I'm not calling him my boyfriend) has a history of blabbing too much to his parents - if it was just about his personal stuff I wouldn't care, but he's shared stuff about me that's extremely sensitive and private...stuff I haven't even told my own mother.

They know all the ins and outs of his financial situation, which to me is totally inappropriate...he's gotten better at keeping this information to himself. His father in particular is the sort that 'knows the price of everything and the value of nothing'. His father also thinks I'm a 'golddigger' which is absolutely hilarious as partner earns what would be a good wage in the rest of the UK but is considered low for the city he lives in.

I don't want his mother seeing this ring as it cost 60% less than the usual price, but it does look expensive. I just know if she sees it he'll get a lecture from his father about spending money on me (it's happened before).

OP posts:

Original poster

noirchatsdeux · 12/12/2021 15:43

I'd also like add I have never and would never even try and stop him seeing his parents. That's up to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

noirchatsdeux · 12/12/2021 15:48

@Sn0tnose He's only just replied (at work today) ..."True. I'll try my best."

He's not big on presents tbh. His is the only present I will be getting - my mother doesn't bother anymore and my brother never has. Even though I will know what it is, just once I'd like to be handed a wrapped present on the day.

OP posts:

FlyingOink · 12/12/2021 16:00

I find this whole story very sad. You should have just bought yourself the present and not bothered posting it anywhere, OP.
It's not from him really is it? I get that you don't want to live with him but it all seems very low-effort, back burner stuff.
What do you get out of this relationship, after twelve years of long distance conversation and presumably the odd dirty weekend? I don't think I'd bother.
Each to their own though.

Avarua · 12/12/2021 16:10

So romantic! After exchanging gifts, I hope you'll firmly shake hands?

80sMum · 12/12/2021 16:13

I don't get it. Why bother with all the faffing around pretending that the ring is "his present"?
DH and I haven't bought each other presents for about 20 years. We're both perfectly happy with the arrangement. It means neither of us wastes time and money on a present that the other one doesn't like or doesn't want.
If we want something and can afford it, we just buy it for ourselves.

SoItWas · 12/12/2021 16:29

"They know all the ins and outs of his financial situation, which to me is totally inappropriate..."

You think it's inappropriate, but how does he feel about it? I'm fairly open about my finances with my family, and close friends.

I do see why you'd be annoyed at him passing on things you'd told him in confidence, but that's his doing, not his parents. Him asking his mum to wrap your present, was his idea, not his mums. And his father does sound like an arsehole.

Does he see his parents more than he sees you?

handslikecowstits · 12/12/2021 16:34

From what you've told us, you both sound profoundly ill-suited.

LeroyJenkinssss · 12/12/2021 16:35

I don’t think it’s that big a deal tbh. If you are in the habit of exchanging known gifts (which I do with my parents - we let each other know what we want and sometimes it’s a list of one) then who wraps it is rather immaterial. If he had used a wrapping service would you have minded?

Also you don’t get to say whether he should be open with his financial situation. I chat very openly with my mom about our finances and I’d be pretty cheesed if DH decided unilaterally that I shouldn’t be.

1967buglet · 12/12/2021 16:38

He could put the ring in its box in a small gift bag?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 12/12/2021 16:40

Best she swaps it for a Poundland one before wrapping!!
Man child who can't manage his own life make me vomit..

Kitkat151 · 12/12/2021 16:46

You sound controlling....my SIL gives me his presents to wrap for my daughter from him.....no big deal....he does stuff for me....so what if he talks to his parents he’s obviously close to them....maybe do you both a favour and split up....then you could both move on with your lives

ThinWomansBrain · 12/12/2021 16:47

Oh well. at least you didn't buy yourself a vibrator as a "present" from partner for mummy to wrap.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 12/12/2021 16:47

This relationship sounds so not fun, Do you really like,love and respect each other OP?

viques · 12/12/2021 16:48

Well you are the one who wants it wrapped prettily . Next time order from somewhere that does gift wrapping.

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 12/12/2021 17:15

This sounds exhausting. He can tell his parents about his finances if he wants.
Are either of you happy?

Original poster

noirchatsdeux · 12/12/2021 17:42

Bloody hell, I didn't expect to have my whole relationship called into question just because I expect my partner to wrap his own damn presents and not get mummy to do it for him!

We don't live together because I don't want to live together - I'm bipolar, live in a tiny flat and sharing it wouldn't do my mental health any good. He earns far more where he is than he would in my city anyway. I work freelance and (pre-covid) that involved quite a bit of travel abroad. He accompanies me on these trips when he can.

I don't think wanting to have a bit of privacy in your relationship about finances or anything else is that unusual, especially for people in their 50s. It's not reciprocated, he knows fuck all about their finances. Add in that his parents are very judgemental about me, my childhood and my parents (the last two being none of their business and were beyond my control anyway) I don't think I'm unreasonable to ask he thinks before he speaks. Which he has got far better at doing.

@Avarua 'Shaking hands'...is that what the kids call sex nowadays?

@SoItWas No, he spends a good 90% of his free time with me. Living in such a small country helps massively with that. We are only 2 hours away from each other. That's nothing to an Aussie.

@Kitkat151 I told my partner what you posted. He's stopped laughing long enough to say he's very happy, thanks.

OP posts:

mam0918 · 12/12/2021 21:08

How is that a gift?

You bought it so it's just something you bought, him reimbursing the cost of an item you already own but posted to his house 200 miles away is unnecessarily complex and doesn't make it a gift.

Wrapping it when you bought it yourself is even more baffling, its not a surprise so the paper serves no purpose.

Back to the actual issue, I couldn't really be bothered to get upset by that (me and IL had a strained relationship for a decade, its a bit better now they realised I'm here to stay so they might as well play nice) but I couldn't waste energy on being mad at DH relationship with them.

If it's really that much of an issue tell him to wack it in a pretty gift bag or stocking with some sweets, it seems you are not backwards about being forwards with him so just tell him thats a suitable option.

mam0918 · 12/12/2021 21:12

@noirchatsdeux

Bloody hell, I didn't expect to have my whole relationship called into question just because I expect my partner to wrap his own damn presents and not get mummy to do it for him!

@Avarua 'Shaking hands'...is that what the kids call sex nowadays?

@SoItWas No, he spends a good 90% of his free time with me. Living in such a small country helps massively with that. We are only 2 hours away from each other. That's nothing to an Aussie.

@Kitkat151 I told my partner what you posted. He's stopped laughing long enough to say he's very happy, thanks.

Shaking hands is referring to the fact you describe your relationship emotionlessly (well not as anger is an emotion) like a business deal... no reference to sex but rather the exact opposite, more the end of a financial company merger.

BashfulClam · 13/12/2021 00:50

I wrap my husbands gifts and he gets his mum to do mine. He’s not good at it but he’s great at other stuff I can’t do so it balances out.

Iwonder08 · 13/12/2021 01:16

There is no need to get angry OP. You asked if it is unreasonable to expect a grown man to wrap his presents? Obviously not, nobody would argue with that. People however are rightly surprised why does it matter given you have chosen, ordered, arranged a delivery and instructed him to wrap it. There is nothing in this set up that involves any surprise, romance or even effort from his side. So obviously it doesn't matter to you. Perhaps next time just order a gift wrap with your purchase

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