Getting his mother to wrap my present???

[noirchatsdeux]

Don't know if I'm being unreasonable, put this has pissed me off this morning....

Background: I have a partner of 12 years, he lives/works 200 miles away. Suits me as I never want to live with another man full time again. He lives in the same city as his parents, he's an only child. I'm 53, he's 51.

He always asks me what I want for Christmas - I don't like surprises (neither does he) so I usually pick what I want and he pays for it...and vice versa. He used to work most Christmases, but was promoted in his job and we will be spending this Christmas Day together. This year, I've ordered a ring online and had it sent to his address. It arrived this morning, and I mentioned that I hoped he'd wrap it up nicely to give me on the day (he has form for just giving stuff in the envelope/box it arrived in)...

His reply "Well I'm not as I am crap. Mum will." That reply has really pissed me off! For one, I've been NC with his parents for 7 years (his father in particular is a homophobic, racist xenophobe who thinks GB News is the best thing since sliced bread) who treats everyone like crap. He particularly doesn't like me because I'm a foreign divorced woman who doesn't have and never wanted children. I gave up trying to have a relationship with them after the time I went for a pre-Christmas meal at their house and partner's father decided to sulk in their bedroom for the whole day/evening - rude as hell and I'm too old for that type of bullshit from anyone. What hurt even more was that I've got no family here and partner was working that Christmas, so I was going to be spending it totally on my own...that was essentially my Christmas Day that year.

The other reason is that I just don't want his mother seeing my gift! It's none of her business. Was I being unfair when I replied " Don't get your mother to wrap it! FFS you're a man of 51 not a bloody 15 year old!" ?

Is this really what people spend time being wound up about?!

@Iwonder08

There is no need to get angry OP. You asked if it is unreasonable to expect a grown man to wrap his presents? Obviously not, nobody would argue with that. People however are rightly surprised why does it matter given you have chosen, ordered, arranged a delivery and instructed him to wrap it. There is nothing in this set up that involves any surprise, romance or even effort from his side. So obviously it doesn't matter to you. Perhaps next time just order a gift wrap with your purchase

^ This You basically swap money. Next time just order your own gifts and get them gift wrapped! Voila!

@80sMum

I don't get it. Why bother with all the faffing around pretending that the ring is "his present"? DH and I haven't bought each other presents for about 20 years. We're both perfectly happy with the arrangement. It means neither of us wastes time and money on a present that the other one doesn't like or doesn't want. If we want something and can afford it, we just buy it for ourselves.

This. If he's not been involved in the choosing, buying and wrapping, how is it 'from him'?

Especially as presumably you will be buying him something of similar value, so you've still effectively paid for the ring.

Just don't bother with 'proper' gifts when they serve no purpose whatsoever, it makes no sense. You can still mark the occasion by exchanging token consumables to show you're thinking of each other and putting some effort in.

I'm finding it hard to believe we are discussing the relationship of 2 people in their 50s here. But yes I suppose it's pathetic a 51 year old man can't wrap (or choose, or order) a present, but likewise you seem very invested in his relationship with his parents in what is quite a casual sounding relationship, I really don't get why you're so bothered about what they know about money etc when you have been NC with them for 7 years?

@handslikecowstits

From what you've told us, you both sound profoundly ill-suited.

It does all sound rather joyless.

@BarbaraofSeville Nope, he's spent far more because he earns far more than I do. My job is freelance in the travel industry, so suffice to say this last couple of years I've had hardly any income. His gift will be a surprise to him, it's something he's mentioned he'd like but because I've very little money he won't be expecting it.

@Iwonder08 I'm not angry, just amused. All the time on here women are moaning about their men not doing their fair share of the 'mental load' or housework etc. I suggest a 51 year old man shouldn't outsource his present wrapping to his mother and next thing my relationship is apparently on the rocks!

@mam0918 It's a gift as he's paid for it. It's a ring I've been eying up all year, it got reduced in price by 60%, I mentioned it to him and he offered to buy it for me.

I'm not 'mad' at his relationship with his parents, I just don't want him involving them in anything to do with me. I don't want anything to do with people who think it's perfectly acceptable that women and children drown in the English Channel.

@Etinoxaurus There's plenty of joy. If there wasn't, I would have got out of this country and back to my own many years ago.

Also surprised that no one on here seems to have heard of Living Apart Together (LAT). There's plenty of articles online, but I've posted this one.

www.brides.com/living-apart-together-5189895

For what it's worth living apart isn't odd to me and I find it odd how worked up others get about it.

Someone once told me my 10 year marriage with kids didn't count and wasnt 'as real' as their 3 month relationship because they jumped straight into sharing a tendency and we didn't lol.

My family have always done it as my grandfathers were in the army and deployed often so thousands of miles away for years at a time sometimes.

My parents had both had very bad divorces and lost nearly everything previous and owned their own houses now + had custody of their own kids so they didn't want to risk combing everything again until we were adults (frankly just wise parenting).

For me and DH it wasn't finically feasible to live together for a long time as I live in a private tenancy which had a rent cap due to disability if it was just me but not if he moved in but his income couldn't cover the price rise and he lived in a shared house with his brother that was not suitable for us.

It really just the present giving is bazaar (whether he reimburses you or not under no definition is the ring a gift) and more so you describe the relationship very angrily and like an irritant rather than a loving relationship (and yes your right many other women here do post the same angry message but they also get told to LTB or to break up because they are stringing him along too... non of the posts ever end well).

If you are NC with his parents I dont see why you care what she thinks if your gift.

He could just stick it in a gift bag and save himself the headache of you moaning about it.