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Original poster

My MIL is buying presents that I don't want in the house

32 replies

Rolf · 15/12/2007 09:53

My MIL lives overseas and has a tendency to buy my children presents that are, to my mind, excessive and unsuitable.

When DS1 was little she asked what he'd like and we said "anything small and quiet" as we lived in a small flat. She bought him a large Bontempi organ and an abacus as big as he is.

She asked me last year if the boys would like Nintendo DSs and I said that whilst I really appreciated the thought I definitely didn't want them in the house. The boys are now 6 and 8 and MIL told DH last night that she had bought them a Nintendo DS each.

I'm cross as a matter of principle as I feel she is undermining my authority in my own home. But setting that aside (benefit of the doubt, Christmas blah blah) I really don't want these things in the house. We have an XBox 360 (also a gift - another story) and I don't let the boys use it very much but it is a source of arguments and DS1 in particular is very aggressive when he plays on it.

They will probably come from amazon so I can exchange them but she will be speaking to the boys over Christmas and will probably be visiting next year, so even if I wanted to be underhand about it (which I don't) I need to be pretty open about what I am doing. She is very competitive with her ex-DH and wants to give the boys something that will mark her out as the "cool, generous" grandparent. She also is, genuintely, very generous and is sad that she doesn't see much of them, and she knows how much the boys will like them.

I'm trying to be honest with myself about my reasons for being so annoyed about it. I really want to lay down a marker that if I say I don't want a specific toy in the house, she respects my wishes. And more specifically, I don't want my boys to have these toys.

Does anyone have any suggestions for an alternative present that would keep everyone happy? Or for a way of dealing with MIL that won't cause a family falling-out?

OP posts:
LadyOfTheHollyAndTheIvy · 15/12/2007 10:01

Does she know that computer games make DS1 aggressive?
I know how frustrating it is when MILs undermine you, mine used to but not with gifts.

mrsflowerpot · 15/12/2007 10:06

Oh what a difficult situation. When you've said specifically that you don't want them to have something it's just wrong of her. What does your DH say - this might be one he needs to deal with if he agrees with you.

As for an alternative, what about something outdoorsy - you could get something really decent for the garden for the price of 2 DSs (the Nintendo ones, not suggesting you sell your sons obviously).

Astrophe · 15/12/2007 10:08

hmm, that sounds hard.If she wants to be generous,maybe you could suggest something equally expensive and appealing to your sons that she could buy instead? Bikes? A trip somewhere (theme park?).

Although I can see how hard it would be, I think you need to say no to her, i the nicest, most appreciaive way possible. She needs to respect the fact that you are the mother and what you say goes. Wil DH not stand up to her?

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 15/12/2007 10:13

Yes, she is being disrespectful of your right as a primary paret to decide how to raise your children. It would make me angry as well.
You could reaffirm to her that you think there has been a misunderstanding, that you had not wanted her to buy them, and that you would be really grateful if she would get the boys something else instead.
It is only fair. She is just ignoring you, would make me

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 15/12/2007 10:14

Oh it is very difficult. You could research other games consoles, like a Wii, for example, which are supposed to have games like sports and stuff where users have to move around (so are at least exercising at the same time) and the games aren't solely about killing hordes and hordes of little computer men and suggest that to her as an alternative.

But in general I agree with you. If you specifically say you don't want something in the house, she shouldn't inveigle it into your house. Just sell them on ebay and get your DS's something else and tell her that's what she's done. Yes she'll be furious with you, but tbh there is no negotiating with someone who has deliberately chosen to do the opposite of what you have requested. She's not worried about causing a family falling-out, is she?

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 15/12/2007 10:15

..reading it again, perhaps she thought you wouldn't mind if they were a year older, or something?
Be firm though. They are your children.

Saturn74 · 15/12/2007 10:19

You DH needs to tell MIL that your decision to not have Nintendo DSs for your DSs still stands.

I think it is really important he shows her that he considers your decisions and opinions regarding your children to be paramount, and supports you in this.

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 15/12/2007 10:20

Oh she hasn't given the presents yet.

Get your DH to ring her and tell her to change them. Get him to tell her, that as soon as they come, they will be exchanged as you don't want them in the house and you're sorry if there's been a misunderstanding, you thought you'd made yourself clear.

But yeah, this is where you ahve to draw a line in the sand. And it's got to come from both you and your DH, so it's not turned into a "evil DIL vs misunderstood generous MIL" scenario.

cheeset · 15/12/2007 10:27

Agree with LittleSleighBellasRinging.

Re the xbox that you have, maybe they argue over it because they have to share it?

My ds has a DS, ps2,wii, psp and uses them occasionally. He was bought them because he wasn't an 'outdoor' kid but now chooses to be outdoors all the time on his bike!

My point, havent got one really but I dont think the electrical items are at fault. They do get bored of them and are able to find other things to do.

mrsflowerpot · 15/12/2007 10:29

Theme park or some big treat when she next visits is a v good idea.

I really really do think that it has to come from dh if possible if you don't want it to drive a wedge between you and MIL.

Astrophe · 15/12/2007 10:32

cheeset, your DS has 4 consoles???

BettySpaghetti · 15/12/2007 10:38

Could you suggest she buys something like an annual family pass to some local attraction /cinema/ bowling etc.

You could "sell" it to her by saying that it would be an all-year round present, something they love doing but you can't normally afford to go often, how the boys would think of her and what a great Granny she is etc everytime you go to wherever it is??

captainmummy · 15/12/2007 10:48

My MIL does this - she will happily hnd over about 50 presents each (I've got 3) which makes our 2-3 presents per child look a bit stingy. dh hs told her and told her, but he has to actually get annoyed/shout at least once a year, at which point she goes all hurt (like she hasn't a clue what he's talking about) and then turns to me in a quiet corner to say 'so what do you think? can I give x,x,x, and x to them?'

Original poster
Rolf · 15/12/2007 11:28

Thanks for all the replies - very helpful.

I agree that it should really be DH who is the interface but he gets so worked up about it and regresses into bewildered teenager whose parents are splitting up. He becomes completely incoherent and she takes advantage of it by acting all offended and hanging up on him.

I know this is what happens, as last time (when she pretended she didn't know FIL was coming over for the birth of DS2 and annouced that as a "surprise" she had booked her flight) she didn't speak to us for over a year and ignored DS2's existence for about as long.

Anyway...I suggested to DH the idea of a season ticket or some other outdoorsy activity that we can all do together. They would like riding lessons, for example. He thinks that she would like to give them something tangible and "flashy" and slightly illicit (hence the DS, possibly. I don't mind some of this at my expense, just not to the extremes she has taken it. I dont really want a Wii but would prefer it to a DS

will finish in a bit, sorry...

OP posts:
LittleSleighBellasRinging · 15/12/2007 17:12

God she sounds like a nightmare

Your tone is admirably measured, considering the provocation

Weegle · 15/12/2007 17:25

hmm, is it conceivable the she has the right to give it to them but you have the right to not let them play on it very often? e.g. once a week for half an hour on a Friday after school? that way you're not actually doing anything wrong or being ungrateful but your boys still don't get much use of it. Also, it can be used as a privilege to withdraw for bad behaviour. Therefore if DS is violent after using it then he loses his next session.

NotEvenHopingForAWhiteXmas · 15/12/2007 17:31

When DD1 was almost 2 yo MIL said she was going to buy her a dolls pram for either her birthday or Xmas (I forget which- bday in Feb). I said no thanks. DD not a dolly girl and far too young. Also our house far too small for big toys.

So she bought one . It was a beautiful coach-style metal pram suitable for a child of 6. It took up all the available space in our living room. DD decided to ride in it about a week after she got it, and broke it beyond repair

MIL continued to ignore me every Xmas/ birthday and I stupidly expected DH to sort it out and he never did.

If you are able to tackle your MIL directly so much the better.

ChristmasPresence · 15/12/2007 21:49

Maybe if the Xbox makes your DS aggressive then he's playing the wrong types of games? My DS is only 5 but loves his sister's DS, particuarly Brain Training and Cooking Mama, so it's not all violence and aggression. I know it's really annoying when parents undermine your authority, but maybe you can turn it into a positive instead of thinking it's a bad thing? just a thought...

ISawSantaKissingKerrysNorks · 15/12/2007 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Desiderata · 15/12/2007 21:55

Whilst I agree with the broad thrust of your OP, it's worthwhile remembering that boys are aggressive, and it needs to be addressed, and worked through.

It isn't necessarily a bad thing that your boys get aggressive whilst playing (depending on the substance of the game). In moderation, and in conjunction with normal, outdoor play, it may be a positive.

poppy34 · 15/12/2007 21:59

christmas presence is right -there are loads of games on ds (and wii) that aren't particularly aggressive but are more sports/skills/puzzle orientated.

The wii in particular is a really big hit at our house - my dsc are a bit older but love the games (The various sports ones and there is a singing/dancing one)_

llareggub · 15/12/2007 22:23

You should give the wii a go, you know. We bought one and often bring it out on christmas day, easter, BBQs etc and is always a big hit. The best "wii-er" in our house last christmas was FIL, who at 60 was playing his first ever electronic game.

It sounds like we are all a bit anti-social, playing computer games at a family gathering, but it wasn't like that at all. It generated laughter, conversation and kept us all awake after lunch!

poppy34 · 15/12/2007 22:27

llaregub - its very playable - It sort of has more board game family appeal than your average computer game system

Original poster
Rolf · 16/12/2007 09:35

We have only 1 XBox game and that's lego star wars! I don't want games that have a rating higher than "U".

Although I'm cross about it, I suspect that I will end up either following Weegle's advice (accept it but heavily controlled) or exchange it for a Wii. I reckon it would be easier to control use of a Wii as it isn't portable in the same way, and it also strikes me as more sociable.

I agree with the poster who reckons the boys will love it! I know I am being the Scrooge of the outfit.

MIL raved about the DS saying that her other grandson loved is, is addicted to it and it's great on long car journeys . The addiction i can do without, and the children are fine on long car journeys.

Although I feel sorry for DH he is also quite excited about it as he likes those sort of toys and I am very resistant to them as he gets transfixed by them.

My MIL is otherwise a very nice woman -I don't usually post MIL rants - she just becomes rather unhinged over some things

Thanks so much for the suggestions. It's very helpful.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 16/12/2007 17:56

I know you don't want your childen to have DSs. But there are actually loads of games that are sutable for young children ( well children of your Childrens age) and they would get a lot of fun out of them. They can also inteact with each other. Last Christmas one of my DDs and my nephewwsand niece al played the brain train game together taking turns in ansering the questions. The childen were aged between 7 and 14.
So I say let them have the DSs and just restrict them.

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