My MIL is buying presents that I don't want in the house

[Rolf]

My MIL lives overseas and has a tendency to buy my children presents that are, to my mind, excessive and unsuitable.

When DS1 was little she asked what he'd like and we said "anything small and quiet" as we lived in a small flat. She bought him a large Bontempi organ and an abacus as big as he is.

She asked me last year if the boys would like Nintendo DSs and I said that whilst I really appreciated the thought I definitely didn't want them in the house. The boys are now 6 and 8 and MIL told DH last night that she had bought them a Nintendo DS each.

I'm cross as a matter of principle as I feel she is undermining my authority in my own home. But setting that aside (benefit of the doubt, Christmas blah blah) I really don't want these things in the house. We have an XBox 360 (also a gift - another story) and I don't let the boys use it very much but it is a source of arguments and DS1 in particular is very aggressive when he plays on it.

They will probably come from amazon so I can exchange them but she will be speaking to the boys over Christmas and will probably be visiting next year, so even if I wanted to be underhand about it (which I don't) I need to be pretty open about what I am doing. She is very competitive with her ex-DH and wants to give the boys something that will mark her out as the "cool, generous" grandparent. She also is, genuintely, very generous and is sad that she doesn't see much of them, and she knows how much the boys will like them.

I'm trying to be honest with myself about my reasons for being so annoyed about it. I really want to lay down a marker that if I say I don't want a specific toy in the house, she respects my wishes. And more specifically, I don't want my boys to have these toys.

Does anyone have any suggestions for an alternative present that would keep everyone happy? Or for a way of dealing with MIL that won't cause a family falling-out?

Perhaps if she doesn't associate with many small children, she doesn't know what's appropriate? I cringe when I think of some of the presents I bought for the children of my first friends to have kids, when I really didn't know anything about children (giant radio-controlled helicopter for a 2 yr old - the kid didn't even have the dexterity to dress or feed himself, let along fly this thing. WTF was I thinking?)

I think many GPs do think they have a right to spoil their grandchildren, but obviously they don't have the right to overrule/undermine the parents. I'm sure you're right in your belief that it's the desire to be the cool, indulgent GP that's motivating her, but it's got to stop. The most diplomatic way to handle it might be to tell her that you'd prefer it if she went for presents that will become heirlooms, rather than flashy electronic things that will be obsolete by June. Something like framed early Winnie the Pooh illustrations or Steiff teddy bears won't necessarily get the WOW!! reaction on Christmas morning, but in 20 or 30 years when your kids have their own kids (when she may not be around), they'll get them out again and feel the warm fuzzies.

Could you start an amazon wishlist for them? Or even suggest that rather than sending stuff that won't fit in your house and that you won't let them play with, she could fund a family trip to visit her?

Sorry, bit of an essay there, but with overseas ILs with a weakness for plastic tat, it's a subject that weighs heavily on my mind at the moment.

My Dad bought my mum a DS for her birthday and she's 62! I thought my dad had gone off his trolley, but my mum LOVES it. She religiously does the brain training every day and her brain age has gone from 70 down to 29!!! Lower than mine grrrr! So I think they're great. I don't think you should condemn them, but use them as a fun and educational thing - a bit like telly really.

omg this reminds me. my mil has got ds (6) the most awful large darth maul money box thing that takes 20 batteries. it's horrific.

my mum who is 61 also loves her nintendo ds - very keen on sudoku as well as the brain training.

My brother-in-law has bought my 4 year old twins a snooker table for Christmas! The small carefully and lovingly selected pile of presents Santa is bringing will look rubbish compared to this monster. God knows where it's going to go.
It's not like I can tell him to take it back because he lives in Australia!
At least a DS is small !!

I agree its frustrating when your opinion is disregarded but I agree with other posters regarding the ds its a great present .
Can you let them keep the ds but just monitor the games they play.
My dd has one and she just loves the dogs game and the big brain academy. My ds loves it too and they play together really nicely on it.

I think I am coming round to the idea that so long as I keep a close eye on what games they play, and how long they spend on it, things should work out fine.

My MIL issued the final insult yesterday though. She told DH that it would be "so much easier" if he bought it and she reimbursed him. And she will probably forget to reimburse him (not out of meanness - she really is generous). Talk about twisting the knife! Luckily we were able to laugh about it otherwise we could be looking at a family bloodfest to rival Greek Tragedy .

I have the last laugh though - I am pregnant and guess which of my mothers-in-law will be first to see the baby