Does anyone have an 'only' rather grumpy older teen with them this Christmas?

[Pommelhorse]

If so, any tips on how to make Christmas good for them?

I love my teen to death but let's just say they are going through a "difficult" stage. Other parents of teens may recognise the grunts instead of conversation, the preoccupation with phone, the up and down moods.

They have lots of good aspects to their character too; but let's just say as parents we don't get to see a lot of that side of them atm . They reserve that for other people!

Last Christmas was a bit of a trial tbh, especially as we didn't have extended family with us. Looks like this year may be the same.

Teen very much insisted we did the whole traditional family Christmas for just the three of us but then sat there grumpy and monosyllabic for most of it. My heart broke for them and at the same time, having made the effort, I felt a bit put out too!

Any tips or ideas please? Should we change things up a bit?

They do have a good group of friends btw, who they will be seeing before and after Christmas, but a lot of them are with their families for Christmas itself.

We're in a similar boat, teen has requested to stay here for Christmas as doesn't want to be sociable, but utterly spoilt last year (DH and I had turkey alone, and we didn't open any presents until 26th, she bought DH something but not me, and it's just a continuation of the vileness all year - again, small but at least a present for DH birthday, not even a bar of chocolate for me).

I have no answers.

Watching with interest... We were similar last year and looks like we're going to be the same this year.

One of the weirdest things about teenagers is that they ' hate everything' yet are the world's biggest traditionalists. DS won't let us change a thing about our traditional Christmas yet moans all the time. Suggest eating out or going away though and he's horrified...

Last year we made sure he bought presents by each parent sitting down and going on amazon with him separately. Yes, it's shit doing that for a 16 year old but it makes Christmas Day easier and role-models acceptable minimum behaviour.

A walk is essential - luckily we have a dog - which really helps break up the day.

And wine. Lots and lots of lovely wine.

Had to laugh when I read this

One of the weirdest things about teenagers is that they ' hate everything' yet are the world's biggest traditionalists

Tis true. I know this probably doesn't help right now, but mine did grow out of it, and is a nice normal adult now. I am reminded of Harry Enfield's teenagers, who were lovely and articulate for everyone else, but monosyllabic for parents.

The only thing I can suggest, apart from wine, is deep breaths, and long baths away from the atmosphere.

Sorry to hear that BiddyPop. That sounds tough going.

Is it worth having a word with her beforehand? Like now, so it is far enough away for the message to have sunk in by Christmas?

I keep thinking there is some magic trick to this like us all volunteering for a homeless project or something? But I know in reality from a close family member that it is more hassle for these projects having people who only volunteer at Christmas and they would probably ruin that experience too!

Maybe DH and I should do the activities we want to do and they join in on or not and I try and detach myself from the guilt? But that seems harsh at Christmas.

Maybe there isn't a solution as such and we just have to ride it out?

One of the weirdest things about teenagers is that they ' hate everything' yet are the world's biggest traditionalists

Oh yes, this is so true and has made me laugh too

Long dog walk a very good idea.

Not sure how old your teen is, but if 15+ could you do something special like mimosas for a Christmas breaky, presents then long dog walk, a traditional dinner with Xmas music (to distract from the silence) or do this at a nice pub so it’s less work for you, and then Xmas movies in the eve so that is christmassy but no one needs to talk

If your teen reads, can they get new books on Xmas eve and just let them sit in the corner reading, soaking up the atmosphere but not having to contribute much in the way of syllables?

Those are all good ideas, thank you Allsorts!

They would enjoy going out for a "weak" cocktail at a smart hotel I think, maybe before Christmas eve, just for the experience.

I spoted a hotel near us that had a heated terrace and fairy lights so I will check out their menu and reviews.

I am going to plan to cook some different international dishes at various points over the holiday as well as have the traditional dinner. Maybe a seafood platter?

Maybe go to sung midnight mass?

They are usually a big reader but have lots of revision to do this holiday.
But we will watch some Bond films perhaps? When will the new one be available on streaming?

I need to do a bit of planning I think. But not get too invested in case they don't like the things I have planned.

I think the answer is to make them responsible for somethings.. Ask hem now to choose an activity, and plan 1 meal that they will make, and to make the pudding another day. And tell them that Santa will still come to them , but there will also be an exchange of gifts after dinner, and they must have suitably wrapped presents for the other members of the household. We set a £10.00 limit for that bit. And if they like games have a league for splatoon or something. The worse you are, the better they like it. Maybe an irresistible movie. Definitely one dog walk.
But apart from that tell them that you know they want to spend every second with you, and just let them be.

I’m in a similar position and I find that the best thing is leave them be and it shall pass. Charades is always a good one

When we were growing up, my best friend's parents would always host a mini Christmas party for us teenagers, before we headed out to the pub. I realise now that they were probably lining our stomachs

I wonder if you could suggest (if you are willing) to host a bit of a Christmas get-together in Dec or run up to the big day for them and their friends (obviously make yourself vaguely scarce after making sure they have food etc), given that you will have a family focussed Christmas Day etc. Might earn you some brownie points from your grumpy teen

Our only DS(16) has a part-time job in hospitality. He was eyeing up the increase in pay over the Christmas period and is wondering about working on Christmas Day! Maybe that could be a solution for some of you.

My two DS’ are 20 & 18 now, never go anywhere with us, never want to do anything, just like being at home on their computers/PlayStation at the weekends. DH & I go out on our own. Had family visit in Sept, they were polite, but didn’t want to go out to the pub for a meal together. They are really lovely sons, will do anything to help at home, polite, never given us any bother etc. But just get on with their own things. All part of growing up.

Thank you everyone. It is good to know this phase will pass given time!

I shall suggest a Christmas hospitality job but they have a lot of revision and already work two nights a week, but the opportunity to earn a bit extra would go down well I know!

And that is a good idea about the soiree! It is not much extra work with the house already gussied up! And it might give them and their friends something to focus on other than January exams ... .

What's your family attitude to boardgames? I don't mean the simple roll-and-move type games like monopoly & cluedo but more complex and strategic games, some of which require teamwork and/or negotiation, subterfuge and intrigue. There's been lota of threads on mumsnet where people have asked for and got dozens of recommendations, but I would suggest things like Pandemic or Spirit Island fir cooperative games and Terraforming Mars or Scythe for strategic competitiveness.

The huge advantage from getting into complex ganes like this is that it provides a structured way to gather around a table and communicate with eachother within a defined scenario that isn't emotive or personal to anyone. These complex games take a few hours to play so you end up having spent some good quality time together. And it provides topics of conversation for non-playing times too.

I reckon the Christmas period would be significantly improved with judicious application of the right games.

Yes pretty much the same scenario here Roselilly36 ... I probably shouldnt think of it as being grumpy... but as a normal developmental phase ... .

We are not huge players of board games tbh SinoohXaenaHide as it used to end in tears when said teen was about eight and didnt win but we could revisit them and I can see the plus points now you have described them, thanks!

Agree on games. There's three of us this Christmas, my 17 year old, me and my cognitively impaired mum. She can't be left alone and can't walk too far so that rules out a lot of things. We'll have Die Hard 2 on Christmas Eve, bucks fizz for breakfast, carols and lovely music, trash TV and phone calls to other family. I think low expectations are probably key but I'd agree that a small wrapped present for everyone and joining in with defined clearing up jobs are minimum expectations and would force those.

How about doing an escape game - Thinkfun mystery at the stargazers manor on Amazon was good fun with teens. Or there are online escape room games if you Google. Good activity for a few hours.
There might even be a escape game type walk you can do, depending on where you live.

Get them to do sth like make and decorate Xmas cake or yule log, or Xmas day special breakfast.

Christmas crackers with activity inside? Magic trick or musical whistle or balloon or wind up toy race - good even if only 5 mins of fun!!
You can also get matchbox "favours" / challenges to have on table.

Definitely agree with idea of doing sth a bit grown up and different - weak cocktail good!!

Plus plan things you would still enjoy even if they don't!

Get them involved!
They will be much more enthusiastic.
We all have jobs in our house

Get them involved in the shopping so they can have some input.
The table, let them lay and decorate it, sort crackers etc.
Christmas Day starter is their responsibility.
Do a quiz and everyone has to come up with a round or two of questions.
All choose a film or programme for everyone to watch.
Spend some time with him 1:1 not just as a family. I think only children often feel an outsider in a family so time spent with just Mum or Dad is important.

Honestly, he may moan like hell to be given a job but believe me, it definitely improves the mood.

Just because they're grumpy doesn't mean they're not enjoying it! After a really painful holiday with D's he declared on the way home it was the best week ever

Just make the day nice, enjoy it and don't look to them for any type of acknowledgement that the day has been fun,that way you won't be disappointed.

I agree with weak alcohol as they're growing up now. Always goes down well

It'll pass, poor thing, it's shit being a teen sometimes.

We also play Vertellis every year.
A real eye opener

Some good ideas on this lovely thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/Christmas/4378004-Christmas-traditions-for-teenagers

How old?