Adult gifts- how do you decide what to buy?

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Do you choose a gift that you genuinely think they will love and appreciate, or do you ask what they would like and buy that?

I got my DH’s present wrong last year. I bought what I thought was a thoughtful personal gift that he would love, but he told me I was mean and unreasonable for buying something ‘essential’ for the house and passing it off as a gift for him. His reaction upset me. In an argument that followed he told me ‘it’s not about buying someone what you think is a nice gift; it’s about buying something that they actually want to receive’.

So I’m interested to hear others’ approach?

I’m thinking more in terms of adults because they don’t tend to do wish lists and letter to Santa in the same way kids do!

We just ask each other what we want and buy it? Much much easier

I wouldn't be buying your Dh a gift after that. Give him a few quid in a card and tell him to buy his own bloody gift.

We give each other a few suggestions. Last year I even bought some of my own gifts from Dh and wrapped them, as I was getting stuff online and it was easier to buy things all together. He did pay me back for them The romance of it all!! He gets me a couple of surprises but I generally prefer to send him a few links to things I'd like and he can choose a couple of things. Same with him, I'll ask if he'd like certain books, for example, and he'll send me a list. I'll choose from the list. So overall, while there isn't a huge element of surprise, at least we get something we like and get to open a few presents.

Gifts should be something you want but wouldn't buy yourself. I would love and appreciate a fancier hoover or warmer coat for work but would not like it as a gift as these are essentials.

Well, if my dp had said that, he wouldn't still be my dp this year.

Adult gifts - either do nothing, or do a token gift like food, booze or a plant, or ask what they might like.

We are both very good gift buyers for each other...we don't do mainstream gifts and have a budget of £200.
I don't buy for any other adults, bar a couple of small things for adult dcs.

I'm with him.
I'd rather get nothing than something that's meaningless for me.
(presents from my kids are never meaningless so those I cherish regardless)

I don't give gifts unless I know 100% the other person will like it/use it/need it/enjoy it and it's the right size/colour/material etc.
I don't see the point in wasting £1 or 1 minute on something I THINK is a good gift.
I want to KNOW and be absolutely sure.

And if occasionally I risk it I don't get butthurt if I got it wrong - still, usually it's a good call.
I got a bottle of Monkey Shoulder for DH on a whim for one Father's Day - he loved it. He's bought a few more bottles since.
Also a friend commented on a fruit bowl I bought, he really liked it so I got the same for her birthday. it occurred to me that maybe she was just polite but she had the option to exchange it and she didn't, she loves it.

if my DD dreamt about pink glittery shoes she'd get them even if I didn't like them (I would though). gifts are about making someone else happy, not yourself.
you get it wrong you failed, not them.

Exchanging gifts with DH is a very small part of Christmas for me- we set a limit if £25 and tend to get each other something quirky or a joke present. This year I have bought him an extending apple picker and a book about ghost signs.

We spent a lot of money last year on our 20th wedding anniversary gift so we agreed that will cover the next 20 years of birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases too.
problem solved. we still exchange a bottle of Bailey's and a big box of Ferrero Rocher though. but that's enough

I much prefer to give a list of what I want and people can pick from and to buy for others the same way. I would not be impressed getting something for the house either.

Fair enough. Most people seem to do a list or ask. I will start doing the same. I’ve grown up with the notion of it being ‘the thought that counts’ and ‘it’s the giving not the receiving’ so have always enjoyed putting lots of thought in and choosing something for someone I love. It’s what my family have always done. And my gifts have always been very well received in the past (even by DH!) so I had no reason to change. But this year, every time I try and think of something for DH I think back to last year and just can’t be arsed to put time and energy into it. I will just ask him to write a list of things and pick some bits.

@RussianRuby, the thing is it didn’t actually strike me as ‘something for the house’ at the time. I genuinely thought he’d love it, especially as gifts I’ve bought previously that to me are along the same lines, have been really well received. It did take me aback that it was such a big miss. I’m not talking about a hoover or something. And to be honest, I love receiving things for the house…I didn’t realise it was a big no-no!

I think lists are a way to go

also I could never in a million years guess which particular circular saw or brand & colour shirt DH fancies in a random given year.
it's best if he just buys it for himself.
He wouldn't have a clue about the difference between Manos Del Uruguay 4ply superwash merino/nylon sock yarn and custom dyed baby camel & silk lace from an indie dyer!

Lists.

I don’t want to buy someone something unless I know they will love it - otherwise, it’s just contributing to consumerism because they will be less likely to cherish it and adore it over the years, and more likely to bin it/ donate it at the earliest opportunity. “It’s the thought that counts” doesn’t mean you can’t use a list to find someone something they really love.

I think people overcomplicate gift-giving.

If you can think of an idea for someone that you are pretty sure they will like, get them that. If you can't think of anything, ask them what they want. If they don't say what they want then they get something they might not love.

It's not the end of the world either way and it's all just tokenistic with adults really.

What on earth did you buy him? Was it expensive? It does sound like he was ungrateful but if you spent a lot of money on something he really didn't want I can understand why he'd be frustrated.

DH and I do surprises for each other but have a budget of £75-£100 and buy a few smaller gifts out of that so if we get things wrong, which we both have in the past we haven't spent loads of money. If we want something that's more expensive then we discuss it and buy it ourselves as it's too risky to get wrong.

I do occasionally mention in passing things that I'd like, the other day I told him I really could do with a spirit measurer so we'll see if one turns up on Christmas Day. If it doesn't, I'll buy one myself.

@FireworkParrot, quick backstory…we’ve lived in our house for almost 10 years now and something DH has always wanted is a proper wood burner and last year after lockdown and facing the prospect of a slightly miserable Christmas of not seeing anyone, we bit the bullet and did it. We redid our lounge and had a wood burner installed. He was so excited about finally getting this wood burner he’d always wanted and we had it scheduled to go in on December 23rd. So I thought it would be fun to theme his Christmas gift around this. The main part of this was getting the fireside tools and given that he does like ‘upgraded versions’ of things I bought him a really beautiful set on a stand. I should add that it’s not that he doesn’t like them and they go unused…they get used loads. But his view is that part of having a fire is having the tools so we would have bought them anyway. I do get that but I really thought he’d love having something really stylish on show beside his beloved fireplace. Anyway he thought he’d been short-changed basically. What I still can’t quite understand is why when I bought him some BBQ tools one year (not Christmas), that went down a treat…but tools for his fire flopped completely!

Anyway, this year we’ll do a list!

I'm one of those who thinks gifts between grown adults is very childish.

So I don't do it, and don't expect anything either. Solved.... and I am all grown up now! Family and friends are relieved and delighted but I was the only one prepared to broach the subject. All agreed no exceptions.

The amount of brain space and time and money involved in this gift giving lark between adults is dreadful IMV, but each to their own of course.

‘it’s not about buying someone what you think is a nice gift; it’s about buying something that they actually want to receive'

Well, that's a stupid statement as you, obviously thought he wanted to receive it right?

It's not like you passively-aggressively bought a leg of lamb for a vegan.

I'm firmly of the belief that a gift is given on choice of the GIVER and the receiver should be grateful, it's never appropriate to dictate what you believe you are entitled to receive because you are not actually entitled to anything.

Now of course the giver is expected to put in thought and effort or they might as well not bother giving a gift at all but to kick off about a gift is spoilt entitled brat behavior and would see me not buying them anything again.

@tempchecked

I'm one of those who thinks gifts between grown adults is very childish.

So I don't do it, and don't expect anything either. Solved.... and I am all grown up now! Family and friends are relieved and delighted but I was the only one prepared to broach the subject. All agreed no exceptions.

The amount of brain space and time and money involved in this gift giving lark between adults is dreadful IMV, but each to their own of course.

It seems quite sad to me that some adults deem their loved ones not worth 'the brain space and time and money' in their lives.

I don’t know, it’s tricky.

If DH got me for example a Hoover for Christmas I wouldn’t not be please. It is something for the house that is essential (as in we would need to buy a new Hoover at some point) and something that’s a bit boring as it’s to do with housework.
However one year he did surprise me with a super duper food mixer/process set. Now it is something ‘for the house’ but I love to bake and cook and my cheaply one had broken. It was also something I wouldn’t just go out and buy as it’s not essential so it was a present that was very well received.

I think the fire tools are similar to a Hoover or dining rooms chairs etc.

If I was never given another present in my whole life, I would be so very happy. Anything I want, I will have researched a lot, read reviews and decided on which model and colour etc I want.

The chances of anyone in the world thinking up something I really want, that I just haven't considered for myself is pretty much zero.

In my family growing up, we were bought the basic version of whatever we needed (not wanted) and could use birthday and Christmas to have a fancier version of the school bag of coat or whatever it was.

I'm happy now I can buy myself anything I want. And I really don't want anything or I would already have bought it.

DH just loves Christmas presents. He loves surprises, would rather have surprises for the occasional one which is a winner and is perfectly content to be given things he doesn't really want in between the years of brilliant presents. He always expresses thanks.

It is not easy to reconcile these differing views. Sigh.

It depends on the people involved. Last year I said I’d like a stand mixer, he got me a kitchen aid and I love it! He also bought me Elemis skincare gift set which is something I love.
I can ask him what he wants and he can never think of anything, so I get him surprises but he really likes practical stuff and wouldn’t be bothered if it was for the house or not. One year I’d told him I’d like a really good carving knife, he actually got me a brilliant set of knives. A friend asked what he was getting me and she was appalled when he told her. I was delighted with them, use them every day.

So you got him something that you put thought into, that he likes and uses and it’s not good enough?

He sounds so ungrateful, does he always get you am amazing gift? I think I’d get him vouchers this year and not put more than an minute of thought into it.

FWIW sometimes I get dp something useful for his house, sometimes something silly or frivolous, sometimes something he’s asked for. He has never once been anything other than grateful and appreciative even though I’m sure not all the gifts are the best.

@FinallyHere

you are my gift-related soulmate.

I really despise stuff given with the motto "because you don't have it yet"
eurgh.
dude, if I wanted it I'd have it. the lack of LOTR & HP merch doesn't mean I'm desperately waiting for some Knight in shining armour to rescue me and give me what I don't have.
it's because I don't want it!

a friend used to give me bracelets because I never wore any so she thought she'd fill the gap. I hate bracelets because I'm clumsy so I bang my hands everywhere and bracelets hurt when I do that.
if only she had asked!

the first gift DH ever got me was terrible. it was a tight, fluffy purple top with short sleeves and long neck. (his cousin's suggestion 🤨)
I hated every single thing about it so I exchanged it for stretchy pull-on knee-length black velvety boots🤣
he learnt his lesson

@mam0918

"It seems quite sad to me that some adults deem their loved ones not worth 'the brain space and time and money' in their lives".

I really do not have to justify your ill informed judgment of me and my family. Let us just say that we don't value gifts much, but thoroughly value the love and care we have for each other all year round. That OK?

We do Birthday gifts no matter what age, that is not an issue, it is the absolute frenzy surrounding Christmas gift buying that we have solved by just agreeing amongst us all not to do it anymore!

My husband and I don’t buy for each other but with my sisters etc we give each other some ideas but also buy off list if it’s something we think they’d like .