Adult gifts- how do you decide what to buy?

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Do you choose a gift that you genuinely think they will love and appreciate, or do you ask what they would like and buy that?

I got my DH’s present wrong last year. I bought what I thought was a thoughtful personal gift that he would love, but he told me I was mean and unreasonable for buying something ‘essential’ for the house and passing it off as a gift for him. His reaction upset me. In an argument that followed he told me ‘it’s not about buying someone what you think is a nice gift; it’s about buying something that they actually want to receive’.

So I’m interested to hear others’ approach?

I’m thinking more in terms of adults because they don’t tend to do wish lists and letter to Santa in the same way kids do!

@YorkieTheRabbit

one year DH got me an upholstery kit that I wanted. similarly to yours a friend of mine was shocked. as if her opinion mattered even in the slightest.

Zing exactly he told her I wanted a knife and she said it was a totally crap present

Totally agree with Finally - I really, really don't want or need any presents, anything I want, I would much prefer to choose myself and get it exactly right. I would never buy a present for my DH, I can't be sure I know exactly what he wants and it if it's some obscure bit of kit for golf then surely it's much better that he chooses it for himself? I am the same with our 20 year old DS, I might be a few very cheap, stocking type fillers but even then I usually get it wrong, when he went back to Uni in Sept I cleared out his room and found all of last Christmas 'stocking gifts' including miniatures of gin unopened and unused.

Likewise if someone buys me a "surprise" I will of course, always thank them profusely but it doesn't mean I like what they gave me, like most of us probably I have a drawer full of unwanted gifts that get recycled or given to raffles.

And those of you who say 'My gifts are always appreciated" - how do you know? I have a dear friend who prides her self on being a great present giver .... she really isn't but of course we all thank her politely for whatever she give us. . Fortunately we have finally agreed to stop exchanging gifts ... it took over 50 years to have the discussion though .

We do Birthday gifts no matter what age

but

I'm one of those who thinks gifts between grown adults is very childish.

Seems strangely inconsistent. I get that you don't like what you describe as the Christmas frenzy, but why are Christmas presents for adults childish but birthday presents aren't?

Anyway... definitely lists, OP. I don't mind getting surprises, and I've rarely had a present I haven't liked, but it's hard to think of your own ideas for thoughtful gifts for everyone at Christmas, so lists make it easier.

@YorkieTheRabbit

did you say: "crap? let's test it"

mwahaha

@lazylinguist

We do Birthday gifts no matter what age

but

I'm one of those who thinks gifts between grown adults is very childish.

Seems strangely inconsistent. I get that you don't like what you describe as the Christmas frenzy, but why are Christmas presents for adults childish but birthday presents aren't?

Anyway... definitely lists, OP. I don't mind getting surprises, and I've rarely had a present I haven't liked, but it's hard to think of your own ideas for thoughtful gifts for everyone at Christmas, so lists make it easier.

Ah sorry, I failed to qualify that I was referring to Christmas Gifts (on a thread about Christmas gifts the title of which doesn't mention Christmas either).

It is the frenzy of buying multiple gifts for multiple adults at Christmas that to our family is daft and immature.

Birthdays involve ONE gift only from everyone, so it is easier to do IMO. Birthdays have great sigificance in our family, but adults expecting gifts from all and sundry and stamping feet when they are not exactly to their requirements on Christmas Day is the immature aspect!

For DH, I buy things I know he likes or needs.

With SIL1 & me, we have a list of items that people can choose from - so gifts we'd like but still a little surprise element of who gets us what.

SIL2, BIL1, BIL2 - all ask for specific items or money towards a more expensive item

Sorry but your dh is an ungrateful twat.

Don’t buy him anything this year, buy yourself something instead and tell him to buy his own gift.

My OH is one of those "buy me whatever" kind of guys and luckily he's a big old nerd so it's pretty easy to buy for him. He has asked for a ps5 game so I got him that as well as a few other bits.

I find if I don't send him suggestions he buys stuff that isn't my style or like...what the heck? like the time he got me a unicorn onesie in a size 8.. I've been a size 14 for as long as he's know me lol. Sometimes he does nice surprises but 70% of the time it tends to be a miss rather than a hit lol.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

😀

Me and DH don’t buy Christmas gifts for each other. There is nothing we want or need. If we needed anything we would just go and buy it.

Instead we buy for our children and grandchildren and treat ourselves to a short holiday later in the year. Suits us.

We do lists but I learned to be very specific as otherwise DH would get what he think he would like or be practical not what I would want. Best example was a iPod console. I wanted a certain type but DH bought me speakers, pointless. In his opinion It was better as they could be placed around the room, space saving and the quality was better. I wanted one with a clock to use it as an alarm clock.

We both learned our lesson.

There is no point on “grateful receiving “ if the thing ends in a drawer and is not used. The giver spent money for something which is not used.

Thanks for replies. I’m reading them with interest.

To the PP who asked whether my DH always buys the perfect gift…he has his moments of doing really well, but generally no! It brought to mind a couple of years ago when he asked if there was something in particular I wanted for my birthday. Generally when asked this I say no not really and love a surprise, but for once there was something. I wanted a pair of really lovely pretty PJs - something to make me feel a bit special at bedtime. I had a look around, found some I liked and sent him a link of the ones I wanted. He heard ‘PJs’ and then took the DC shopping and let them choose me some! I ended up with a pair of shorties with an elephant design on the bottoms and a silly slogan on the top! Not what I wanted at all…but I still received them gratefully and wear them two years later 😂 There was also a time when I asked him for a specific book by an author I loved…at the time I’d just had DC2 and DC1 was a toddler. DH decided I didn’t really have time to do reading as I was too busy with the children, so bought me a book on identifying trees for when I went out walking with them! I’m actually laughing as I type because I’m remembering all the truely crap presents he’s bought me over the years! The difference is I’m just one of those people who is programmed to be grateful that someone has thought about and bought something for me I don’t actually care what it is!! But yes to lists. The way forward!

OP, I gave my husband iron fire tools for our iron anniversary and he loved them. I think your other half is being a bit daft insisting it’s not a present for him if other people get to use it.

DH will be getting a tripod for his firepit (which reminds me, I must order it!) He's asked for one though so this year is easy.

Generally, we keep Christmas presents low key nowadays - we'd both rather spend the money on DD than on each other.

Both me and my husband have particular interests. Mine is Lego (obviously from my user name). His is another craft thing. So I get Lego, he gets his thing. We've found it's easier to actually get what we want for ourselves because it's easier to know what we already have. We give ourselves a budget of £20 or so. We both get a pressy we want and pretend my Lego is from him, and his thing is from me !!
The only other adults needed to buy for/receive pressies from is my parents, mother in law and my sister. I always ask if there's anything particular they would like and they ask me. I don't understand the concept of buying something if you really don't know if that person will like it or not. It's such a waste.
We have done it sometimes (especially between me and my sister) where we get each other 2 or 3 random paperbacks but from charity shops. So one year I got 3 for £1. That can be fun and the books can be re donated back to a charity shop after. Sometimes you end up loving an author or genre you hadn't considered before, sometimes the book isn't great. But when it's 3 for a quid who cares?

OP that’s a lovely gift IMO. It’s not like you just picked up a cheapy standard set.

I think your husband was really rude and quite hurtful actually, and I think it would be good for you to talk to him about this. He’s made you feel nervous about choosing him another gift in case you get it wrong, which is an awful position to be in. Sometimes with all the thought in the world, people don’t get gift buying 100% right and he should have appreciated that you really tried. Instead he was shitty about it. I don’t think it would do him any harm to hear that he too has got it wrong in the past, but you had the grace not to be an arsehole about it.

Thanks for the replies. I find it interesting that some people think it was a lovely gift and others think it was on par with a hoover! I guess that just highlights that everyone is different and has different ideas about what a gift should be.

@Aderyn21, thank you, I appreciate that. And you’re right, the whole thing has made me feel nervous about ever choosing him another present, and also like I can’t be bothered to put thought into it because of his very ungrateful and ungracious reaction. It was his birthday recently and there was one thing he specifically asked for which I got, but then picked up a few other bits myself. But with every gift I found myself wondering if he could take issue with it, which kind of takes away the enjoyment of choosing a gift anyway! We did talk and argue about it a lot last year so he know how much he offended me. I didn’t bring up his previous naff gifts though.

As with other adults, I only tend to buy for my parents (don’t buy for siblings) and we’ve never done lists either. But maybe I will suggest it. I’m now wondering how many previous gifts are sitting unused in a drawer!

[quote tempchecked]@mam0918

"It seems quite sad to me that some adults deem their loved ones not worth 'the brain space and time and money' in their lives".

I really do not have to justify your ill informed judgment of me and my family. Let us just say that we don't value gifts much, but thoroughly value the love and care we have for each other all year round. That OK?

We do Birthday gifts no matter what age, that is not an issue, it is the absolute frenzy surrounding Christmas gift buying that we have solved by just agreeing amongst us all not to do it anymore![/quote]
Ill informed?

It's literally a direct quote of your words lol.

Anyway he thought he’d been short-changed basically I do understand this. I’d equate it to DH buying me accessories for the hoover. He’s got a bloody nerve though, unless being able to teach your DC about trees is one of your unfulfilled ambitions? How did you not laugh? In your shoes, I’d have offered to swap his gift for the tree book, and then you’d both have something you thought was necessary.

What I still can’t quite understand is why when I bought him some BBQ tools one year (not Christmas), that went down a treat…but tools for his fire flopped completely! I’m completely with you on this though, it doesn’t make sense. Unless he thinks that the fireplace is a household thing, so you benefit from it too, while the barbecue is his domain, where sausages are grilled in a manly fashion and women should stand back at all times?

We do lists in our house, ranging from stocking fillers to big presents so that the other can pick a few bits and they’ll still be a surprise (including where it can be bought from, item number and price, if it’s something specific, rather than socks etc). That way, we’re both happy. We both go off list as well, but we’re both very easy to buy for.