Presents - help me word this nicely, please.

excitednerves · 2021-10-22T18:47:56+00:00

I’ll try to keep this short. Last year my “step sister” bought my children Christmas presents unexpectedly. My children were (last Christmas) age 1 and a newborn. Her children are now aged 11 and 10. I have never bought them presents, and hadn’t last year either. I say “step sister” in quotations as my dad has been with her mum for at least 12 years, before she had children, and I’ve met her once at my dads 60th birthday party, potentially one other time before that. I don’t want to start buying presents for children I never see. I don’t see SS at all or communicate with her in any way. My brother says she buys for their kids and they send presents back via my dad but I just don’t see the point?!? How can I word a message to her to politely ask not to buy anything this year?

Mix56 · 22/10/2021 20:11

Dear SS
We gratefully received your presents for DC last Xmas.
However we feel that as our families are only vaguely distantly related, & we barely know each other, that this isn't something that is necessary.
& we can'f really afford it.
So please lets not get into a habit of swopping presents.
I hope you understand.....

Justwalkyourfineassoutthedoor · 22/10/2021 20:13

Has she said she expects you to start buying presents for her children when you haven't previously? Did your brother speak to her about exchanging gifts or just send then via your Dad because her received some from her?

ThirdElephant · 22/10/2021 20:14

Just give them a selection box apiece, job done.

Atalune · 22/10/2021 20:17

Dear ss,

Thank you for sending the children gifts last year. This year we are politely requesting no gifts and will not be sending gifts either. We will be making a xxx donation to xxx. Warm Wishes excitednerves

Holly60 · 22/10/2021 20:18

‘Dear X. Thank you so so much for the lovely presents last year, it was so kind of you to think of us just after our littlest one was born. However please don’t feel you have to buy anything this year, as unfortunately we can’t afford to reciprocate. All our love at Christmas ..’

Monsterpumpkins · 22/10/2021 20:19

Hell just send a card and 2 selection boxes!!

poolblue · 22/10/2021 20:19

@Holly60

‘Dear X. Thank you so so much for the lovely presents last year, it was so kind of you to think of us just after our littlest one was born. However please don’t feel you have to buy anything this year, as unfortunately we can’t afford to reciprocate. All our love at Christmas ..’

This is a good reply

Holly60 · 22/10/2021 20:21

Or ‘because as much as we would love to reciprocate, we just can’t afford it..’

Raindancer411 · 22/10/2021 20:24

I would go with Holly's reply or a couple of selection boxes. Teenagers love chocolate!!

BrilliantBetty · 22/10/2021 20:26

Is it really necessary to send her a message about this?
I think it could come across as hostile and unkind.
If she asks directly about what the kids would like then yes, you could respond say 'oh let's not worry about pressies, we are keeping xmas super simple. Cards are lovely enough'.

If she just sends a present without communication before hand, don't reciprocate or give a small gift such as a chocolate santa. And she'll get the message. Or perhaps she enjoys buying for little ones and wants to make that effort.

Monsterpumpkins · 22/10/2021 20:29

My great aunt used to get me a box of Maltesers every birthday and Xmas... Small token gift but well received!! Quid a box op...

NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 22/10/2021 21:13

Just get two selection boxes. If she sends gifts then give them the boxes. If she doesn't, eat the chocolate.

00100001 · 22/10/2021 21:17

Don't even worry about it and do nothing.

She might not send anything this year anyway.

Monsterpumpkins · 22/10/2021 21:20

In years to come your dc may like having more relatives!! My dc have none!

Puffinhead · 22/10/2021 22:13

@BrilliantBetty

Is it really necessary to send her a message about this? I think it could come across as hostile and unkind. If she asks directly about what the kids would like then yes, you could respond say 'oh let's not worry about pressies, we are keeping xmas super simple. Cards are lovely enough'.

If she just sends a present without communication before hand, don't reciprocate or give a small gift such as a chocolate santa. And she'll get the message. Or perhaps she enjoys buying for little ones and wants to make that effort.

I agree with this. Don’t say anything. My cousin started buying for my DC which was kind but I didn’t want to get drawn into a reciprocal arrangement with her DS so I don’t bother (I don’t see her often).

RAFHercules · 23/10/2021 00:16

She is clearly reaching out to you, is there a reason that you don't want to get to know her better?
IMO you can't have 2 many friends, or people that like your children.

Original poster

excitednerves · 23/10/2021 08:12

Thanks everyone. Lots of lovely suggestions.

@Holly60 your response is lovely.

@BrilliantBetty this is what I’m worried about. I don’t want to be rude or unkind, it’s very nice of her to think of my children but it’s really unnecessary.

I might just go the route of small token gift (chocolate Santa, maybe one of the nice Lindt ones?) and then I’ve neither offended her or spent a lot of time and effort buying —tat— stocking fillers for pre-teens.

OP posts:

Original poster

excitednerves · 23/10/2021 08:16

@RAFHercules no reason. When we met she seemed perfectly nice, but we haven’t bothered with each other in the last 12 years or so. We were both adults in our mid/late 20s when our parents met so it wasn’t like we were living at home or anything.

OP posts:

Olivegreenstrawberries · 23/10/2021 08:17

I don't think any message could not be taken as rude. If you don't want to reciprocate I think that's fine. People shouldn't be giving gifts with an expectation to receive. By sending a message you are saying she's expecting something back which she might/probably isn't.

I would either not give any gifts back or give token gifts. I defo wouldn't be writing a messag. I think that would be the start of a fall out.

Cuntness · 23/10/2021 09:17

I hate surprise gift-givers!

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 24/10/2021 23:12

I agree don't say anything

Why can't anyone give a gift without being treated as an obligation!

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 25/10/2021 08:14

@Holly60

‘Dear X. Thank you so so much for the lovely presents last year, it was so kind of you to think of us just after our littlest one was born. However please don’t feel you have to buy anything this year, as unfortunately we can’t afford to reciprocate. All our love at Christmas ..’

Perfect

GreenClock · 25/10/2021 09:39

I think that she’d like to get to know you and your family a bit better and the present-buying last Christmas was her way of articulating that without actually saying it.

If you’d like a closer relationship I’d invite her & partner & kids for a drink at your house, along with your dad and stepmum maybe. If not, I’d do nothing. A text message could be misconstrued, as could a token £2 gift.

bananaboats · 25/10/2021 10:04

@Holly60

‘Dear X. Thank you so so much for the lovely presents last year, it was so kind of you to think of us just after our littlest one was born. However please don’t feel you have to buy anything this year, as unfortunately we can’t afford to reciprocate. All our love at Christmas ..’

I'd go with something like this too, its nice but too the point. I wouldn't get drawn in to sending chocolate Santa's back and forth especially if you don't see each other in person, seems a bit pointless.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 25/10/2021 10:31

@GreenClock

I think that she’d like to get to know you and your family a bit better and the present-buying last Christmas was her way of articulating that without actually saying it.

If you’d like a closer relationship I’d invite her & partner & kids for a drink at your house, along with your dad and stepmum maybe. If not, I’d do nothing. A text message could be misconstrued, as could a token £2 gift.

But then she might carry on buying presents and this isn't what OP wants.

Although I do see what you're saying.