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Christmas

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Original poster

How do you determine where you'll eat?

44 replies

Window1 · 31/08/2021 21:41

Do you alternate between each side of the family? Do you have dinner at home just immediate family or do you host others?

At what point in the year do you work out what your dinner plans are and how do you decide?

We have history of a bit of a mish mash. We've had dinner just us and last year we was with DH side. One year we hosted my side. I guess strictly speaking it's the year for us to have dinner with my side, but we don't want to host. Does that mean we wait to see if we receive an invite?

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 31/08/2021 21:49

How would you like to spend Christmas?

RosesAndHellebores · 31/08/2021 21:52

Well DS was born on Xmas day. His first Xmas was in hospital. When he was 1 the in-laws came to us. When he was 2 we went to my mother and step. They went so over the top he eventually fell asleep at 5am (rubbish sleeper). After that we said we would always have Xmas in our own home and both sets of parents could join us if they wished. My step doesn't travel at Xmas so they never came, (we went to them for NY for years).

Have hosted MIL for 30 years - formerly MIL and FIL but he died in 2008. Missed 1999 (when my dad was in a hospice), 2009 when MIL went to SIL1 in Aus and 2020 Covid.

It just sort of happened. I have visions of the next 10 years if anything happens to Step - MIL, ma and step"s two widowed sisters. Oh fuck Shock.

Incywinceyspider · 31/08/2021 21:57

DP is a shift worker so we do whatever suits us depending on his shifts. Some years we stay at home. Other years I go to my mum with DS and leave him alone. We generally spend boxing day with his family

Original poster
Window1 · 01/09/2021 14:17

We're quite happy to have dinner at home as long as we aren't hosting for this year so probably plan to do that and consider any invites that may come our way.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 01/09/2021 15:32

From the very start of our relationship we made it clear (but not in an aggressive way) that we'd make a year-by-year decision on Christmas and wouldn't be drawn into the alternating as, sometimes, we might like to be on our own.

Over the years we've done a variety of combinations. As the kids have got older they've been involved in the decision making too. We try to find a balance between everyone's preferences. It's been affected by them working in pubs too.

Original poster
Window1 · 01/09/2021 16:15

I think that's a good point about not setting a precedent so expectations can be managed and there's no upset if you decide to have a quiet one at home.

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 01/09/2021 16:27

We do what - on balance - we feel we would be guilted over the least.

I'm aware that's not the healthiest of ways to make a decision.

AnnaSW1 · 01/09/2021 16:35

We spend every Christmas at home with no visitors. As soon as babies arrived we said that's what we'll be doing every year.

hulahoopqueen · 01/09/2021 17:43

We have DSS every other Christmas, and want him to be able to spend it at home with us. The years we have him, DH's family are invited for lunch, and the years we don't, my family are invited for lunch. We wanted an established routine before we had children together so it couldn't be seen to be unfair.
My mum got very stroppy about it as she liked to host and be the centre of attention, but when she gets unbearable about it I remind her that once she had kids we spent Christmas at our own home, and that's the way DH and I want it for our kids.

lazylinguist · 01/09/2021 18:08

We live a long way from both sides of the family, so hosting means staying for a few days, whoever does it! PIL won't come 'up north' at Christmas time (for some reason), so that excuses us from ever hosting them.

So we either host my family up here and then go down to see PIL after Christmas/for NY, or we go down for the whole shebang and do a couple of days at dsis' house (my parents don't host any more) and a couple of days at PIL's. We always used to alternate Christmas Day itself between my folks and his every other year, but it also depends on when dsis is seeing her PIL! We're in the process of deciding for this year atm.

HungryHippo11 · 02/09/2021 07:07

Alternate with in laws and my parents. They both only live 20 minutes away and we get on with them, so it's no hardship. We do Christmas morning at home and then travel there for lunch and stay over. Can't think of anything more boring than staying at home without any family visiting.

I usually just say "shall we come to you for Christmas" if its the in laws turn as they would never ask

WhereIsThisGoing · 02/09/2021 08:29

We alternate, but my family lives abroad, so there is no scenario that allows us to see both families in the same week. I do think long term it's going to be an issue that we're never home for Christmas but that is quite a few years down the line when the kids start not liking the travelling.

MollyVolley · 02/09/2021 09:39

We've gotten it down to a fine art now - Christmas Eve see my dad & his partner & generally get fed. Christmas Day is all to ourselves with just a short visit from MIL in the morning and then we go to MIL's for Stephen's Day (Boxing Day!) and have a second Christmas dinner there and presents. We get to see everyone and still have Christmas day to ourselves to enjoy my kids are 12 & 14 now but we've done this for a while and really enjoy the way it is spread over three days and we see everyone family wise without it being too stressful - our families are near enough so no big drives thankfully.

Famousinlove · 02/09/2021 23:17

To keep it easy for us, i eat with my family and DP goes to his family's When we have a place big enough, i think we will spend the whole day together and host anyone that wants to come to ours

MsSquiz · 03/09/2021 07:18

When DH and I first got together, we went to our own parents on the day, spending Christmas Eve, and Christmas night together. We then decided, once we got married, we would just alternate until we had kids.

Sadly my DM found out she was terminally ill in the September before we got married so that Christmas we spent at our house (DH, DM and me) and the one following our wedding and her death we had lunch at home just the 2 of us and visited his family at his parents at tea time.

Since then, we have always gone to SIL's who hosts for her parents, her brother, her husband (DH's brother) & their 3 kids, DH's sister (sometimes her husband comes along too), PIL, DH, me and DD! Her DM and I pitch in with prep and bringing dishes/dessert, etc.

This year will be the first Christmas since MiL died so I presume we'll be at SIL's as usual. But her mum is also terminally ill, so it will be a "play it by ear" situation in December. We have space to host other SIL & FIL, if SIL needs to be with her DM.

Luckily we all live within a 15 min drive from each other so it's easy to navigate and not take up chunks of the day in travelling.

I see my family (auntie, uncle and cousin) in the lead to Christmas when they come round for roast beef/turkey sandwiches

skippy67 · 04/09/2021 08:38

We've always had Christmas day at home. Me DH and our DC. Then see wider family between Boxing day and the New Year. Works for us, no dramas.

MrsPworkingmummy · 04/09/2021 08:47

Nowadays, because we live in the biggest house and have two young-ish children at home, we host Christmas lunch and a picky buffet tea every year. This has been the routine for about 10 years now. Both sides of the family attend so it takes a lot of organising.

NoWordForFluffy · 04/09/2021 23:28

Always at home, with or without DH's family, depending on their plans (mine are too far away and my parents can't travel / don't have room for us; we see them at some point close to Christmas).

I don't feel any guilt or pressure; it is what it is!

Original poster
Window1 · 05/09/2021 07:37

@NoWordForFluffy

Always at home, with or without DH's family, depending on their plans (mine are too far away and my parents can't travel / don't have room for us; we see them at some point close to Christmas).

I don't feel any guilt or pressure; it is what it is!

I first read that as I don't get any guilt or pleasure. Glad I misread!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 05/09/2021 07:43

Agree that it's best not to set a precedent by 'alternating' with different sides of the family, we've done all sorts of things including going to various sides of the family, hosting, volunteering, going on holiday, staying alone etc etc.

But it sounds as though you are 'expecting' an invitation but not prepared to invite people to you? Unless I've read that wrong.

Original poster
Window1 · 05/09/2021 07:57

@Ragwort

Agree that it's best not to set a precedent by 'alternating' with different sides of the family, we've done all sorts of things including going to various sides of the family, hosting, volunteering, going on holiday, staying alone etc etc.

But it sounds as though you are 'expecting' an invitation but not prepared to invite people to you? Unless I've read that wrong.

Yes that's kind of right. Expecting is probably too strong a word. We would be up for going to others if invited, but if not we will be fine at home. We hosted this side last time we all ate together and I wouldn't want to do it again so soon.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 05/09/2021 09:46

I swore as a child that I would never, ever do Christmas how my Mum did it. She was adamant that she shut the doors over Christmas and it was "just us". My heart broke for my paternal grandparents and disabled aunt every year. They had nobody else and I know that our cursory, distracted phone call on the 25th was probably so hard for them. Sadly, my Grandad died when I was at university but as soon as I could, I had my Grandma and Aunt for Christmas and oh God, it was perfect. My Grandma beamed and wept with joy all day.

Nowadays, oddly enough my Mum is desperate to see her grandchildren on Christmas Day and so we alternate each year and either she or I host everybody (11 or 13 usually). And my Mum loves it! She always says she wishes she had done it sooner. Grandma died in 2019 and I miss her desperately on the day.

Boxing Day we see the in-laws and do it all over again!

Martinisarebetterdirty · 05/09/2021 11:08

We discuss it, my sibling alternates so some years I get lucky and see them with my parents, others I don’t. If we host then anyone is welcome as long as they don’t expect to be waited on hand and foot, if they don’t pitch in or they cause friction they don’t get invited again. DP likes to be just us and the DCs, I love to see my parents and sibling - we discuss and balance it.

EL8888 · 09/09/2021 14:03

On what suits us best basically. This year we will have just moved house, recently moved jobs and about to do more IVF. So zero chance of us hosting or traipsing halfway up the country. I’m voting for posh lunch out. My mum conversely would prefer me to travel to her and cook lunch Hmm. That’s a no especially as we are busy, she has no support needs and doesn’t work but just can’t be bothered

AliceMck · 10/09/2021 10:30

At home with our DC, I refuse to go anywhere Xmas day, if extended family want to come over they are welcome but we do our own thing Xmas day and it’s 100% about our DCs. The same with my siblings. DHs family mainly go to his DSis after FIL and partner have been round all the DGkids and DGGkids, then Boxing Day at FILs.