Spending equal time with family

[PointeShoesandTutus]

Does anyone else begrudge the pressure to spend equal amounts of time and ‘special days’ with both sides of the family?

We’re under pressure to alternate Christmas Day - but I really don’t want to. My reasons for this are:

1. my parents are local, so we can walk there after breakfast, the children can sleep in their own beds, open presents, go to grandparents and then walk home after tea back to their own beds. The in laws live 100 miles away, so we’d have to stay over or spend copious time in the car.

2. my side of the family are catholic, and Christmas matters a lot. We go to mass as a family. The in laws are atheist. They celebrate Christmas in terms of the tree, presents, food etc but not the religious side. We’d miss mass, or have to excuse ourselves and go to an unfamiliar church near them.

3. perhaps this is the most sensitive, but we see my in laws twice a year at most. They never ring, they never ask after the DC. My parents have the children one day a week to help with childcare, are on call if we get stuck at work and the children are sent home sick from school, regularly buy necessities like extra clothes or suncream or silly little bits, just to help out. They are the children’s world, and to be honest I think certainly my DD would happily sell us out and move in with them!!! As such, we have a much less intense day with them, as it’s more familiar and the stakes aren’t as high. I also feel like they graft hard for our family, so deserve the quality time more. But that’s hard to actually come out and say.

4. Because we barely see the in laws, they’re virtual strangers. My SIL has 5 children and it’s a full on household. My SIL and MIL are both quite loud and intense characters, and my youngest in particular gets a bit overwhelmed and upset. Not ideal for a relaxing Christmas.

So...is it reasonable to say that actually, it might be ‘fair’ to alternate Christmas, but it’s not right for us. We’ll see them either 23rd or Boxing Day but Christmas itself is not going to happen.

What does your DH/DW/DP think? Who is putting pressure on you?

If your husband/partner wants to see his parents then he should get an equal say.
However if its just in laws pressurising you then why do they care if they don't see you the rest of the year.

Does your DP want to spend Christmas with his family? Does he enjoy spending time with yours?

I kind of agree that if you hardly see one side at all why do you have to go at Christmas but if my DP wanted us all to go I would. After lockdown last year we actually had a lovely Christmas with just us and the DC. Hoping to do it again this year. 🤞🏽

Why do you only see them twice a year?
They don’t call, do you call them?
It’s 100 miles, could you attend mass then drive to them afterwards?

We don’t split our time equally. We see my family more more than DH’s so it’s natural that we spend more time with them on special occasions too. Luckily for me DH agrees with this way of thinking though.

Christmas day with one family and boxing day with the other

Depends entirely on what your DP wants to do.

It sounds very unfair. It’s going to be a different relationship if they don’t live close but they are his parents regardless.

It's quite difficult to be a regular hands on grandparent if your grandchildren live away.
But I'm sure they'd love to see their grandchildren on Christmas mornings sometimes.

I'd put my money on you being more ready to travel and make compromises if your parents lived a distance away.

We call them weekly, possibly more (certainly over lockdown we called more). Sometimes they answer, sometimes they don’t. Usually they just want to talk to DH - which is fine, it’s his parents! They’re not bothered about speaking to the children on the phone - which I get, because young children on the phone are hard work. They’ve been invited to ours during the course of the year but say it’s too far. We drive over to them a couple of times a year but mainly so that the children have some point of reference as to who they are.

DH is keen to see his family at some point over Christmas, but he’s not bothered when. He isn’t particularly religious either so isn’t fussed about it being Christmas Day. The pressure is from PIL and SIL, but DH does suffer from guilt when they pile it on.

In terms of going after mass, that would mean the children being in the car for 2 hours right across lunchtime - so just isn’t practical whilst they’re little. Plus 4 hours in the car is a pretty miserable Christmas Day!

But food for thought, perhaps I am being unfair. If it was my parents I would probably make more effort. I just feel like my parents do so much for us, they should have the ‘reward’ of Christmas Day!

I'm with you OP, no children should have to spend Christmas Day driving here there and everywhere when they're little - have a lovely day with your parents and invite the in-laws for twixtmas!

Could you invite both sets of family to come to you for lunch and whatever else you do after mass?

So you Get up, do stockings, head out to Mass meeting your folks there. Meanwhile in laws get up, have a leisurely breakfast and then drive to your house. Everyone meets at yours at 11.30/noon. Lovely lunch, exchange gifts, nice family time for all. Grandparents and assorted other relatives head home. You do bedtime and enjoy a glass of something alone as a couple.

@grey12

Christmas day with one family and boxing day with the other

That unless one set lives hundreds of miles away. Or you could go to midnight mass on Christmas eve and then drive to in-laws in the morning.

Doing alternate Christmases seems fair if it can be organised to suit.

We do Christmas Day with my folks and Boxing Day with FIL.
It’s just a pattern we fell in to years ago, we did intend to alternate and can’t quite work out how it’s worked out like this, but it’s fine. It’s just FIL now as MIL died and we’ve tried to get him to come to my Mum’s on Christmas Day but he prefers to stick with Boxing Day and that’s his choice. He knows he’s always welcome.

Kids like it as they get Christmas Day all over again at his house (presents and food) on Boxing Day, and it’s a much quieter day after the (lovely) craziness of my family on Christmas Day!

Nah, I’d just go to your parents if they are more interested in the children, we see the in laws for an hour on Christmas morning (only 30min drive) then spend the day with my parents because it’s quieter and my eldest hates noise.
I maybe you could spend Boxing Day with your in laws and make it into a little party with buffet food and games for the children assuming they have cousins. It could become a new tradition?

Would your PILs make an exception and drive down to be with you for Christmas?

If they say no, then maybe they're not that fussed about the actual Christmas day and that means you could have a more relaxed drive the day after boxing day and go spend 2/3 days with them

In any case I don't think it's fair for you to forego going to mass because of them

Sorry when I suggested drive after mass I assumed you would stay overnight and not another 2hr trip - I know it’s over lunch but most people eat off usual schedule on Christmas Day.

However that aside the lack of effort yet pressure from in laws is off putting at best and if your husband genuinely isn’t very fussed then continue to spend every Christmas with your parents.

It would be mean to spend every Christmas with one set of parents and never the other when you know you’re wanted there.

Go to your in laws for new year.
Don't discount staying in your own home on Christmas day with just your immediate family though. We had to do this due to lockdown and it was my best Christmas day ever.

The way I see it is family is not just for Christmas and I wouldn't prioritize people who were only interested in me at Christmas. Rigid turn taking isn't a good thing to get into, it's better to take each year as it comes.

Invite them to your for Christmas. Then you can still go to your usual mass and don’t have to drive.

That’s of course if you are happy to see them. Your post comes across as if you don’t actually like them.

Stay in your own house for Christmas Day. Don't get into the habit of inviting anyone over or going to anyone's house for dinner. Call into your parents as they live nearby. As for inlaws, have a day trip to see them. Leave early on a day between Christmas/new year and stay til after dinner if they offer to cook, or suggest a meal out. Or better still arrange to meet them half way for a meal out. You don't have to bow down to any pressure from them. If Dh wants to go and spend a night or then he's free to go, maybe take the kids, but you don't have to go if you don't want to. Do they even have space to put you all up if you stay? My inlaws are 2 hours away. We go to see them a couple of days before Christmas Day to drop gifts. We don't visit anyone on Christmas Day and haven't had anyone to visit us for years. We prefer to be at home as do our families, so there's no expectations on anyone to leave their home.

I'd be spending Christmas at home.
It's not very nice arranging to go to your parents and your husband sitting there thinking about his family missing out on seeing his children.
It must be bittersweet for him to see the amazing relationship your parents have with his dc throughout the year and tbh Christmas day too is really putting the boot in.
On Christmas day I think you should stay at home for lunch.
You'll see your parents at Mass.

I am a pretty shy and wallflowery person but I have developed an uncanny ability to put my foot down when it comes to what's best for my DC.

We under no circumstances travel on Christmas day. If you feel your DC do not benefit, and actively lose out, by not seeing their local family whom they have a close relationship to on the day, then I would just say so to your DP.

Strategy wise, I would arrange early to see you in laws on boxing day or the 23rd. There's so much magic in those days with little ones anyway, the 23rd is full of anticipation of Christmas and boxing day is full of excitement over all the new stuff.

Think of it this way - you are losing out by going and they are gaining nothing. If you needed some kind of excuse I would lay on the religious element myself!

I think the post before mine is a little melodramatic. It's not owed to people who make less effort to be included, especially when it is so easy to arrange an equally enjoyable day so close to the actual event.

I see more and more on MN around Christmas time how the logistics of the day itself seem to be more political than anything and it becomes performative, when really adults involved could just be more sensible and realise that children should come first in those situations.