Spending equal time with family

[PointeShoesandTutus]

Does anyone else begrudge the pressure to spend equal amounts of time and ‘special days’ with both sides of the family?

We’re under pressure to alternate Christmas Day - but I really don’t want to. My reasons for this are:

1. my parents are local, so we can walk there after breakfast, the children can sleep in their own beds, open presents, go to grandparents and then walk home after tea back to their own beds. The in laws live 100 miles away, so we’d have to stay over or spend copious time in the car.

2. my side of the family are catholic, and Christmas matters a lot. We go to mass as a family. The in laws are atheist. They celebrate Christmas in terms of the tree, presents, food etc but not the religious side. We’d miss mass, or have to excuse ourselves and go to an unfamiliar church near them.

3. perhaps this is the most sensitive, but we see my in laws twice a year at most. They never ring, they never ask after the DC. My parents have the children one day a week to help with childcare, are on call if we get stuck at work and the children are sent home sick from school, regularly buy necessities like extra clothes or suncream or silly little bits, just to help out. They are the children’s world, and to be honest I think certainly my DD would happily sell us out and move in with them!!! As such, we have a much less intense day with them, as it’s more familiar and the stakes aren’t as high. I also feel like they graft hard for our family, so deserve the quality time more. But that’s hard to actually come out and say.

4. Because we barely see the in laws, they’re virtual strangers. My SIL has 5 children and it’s a full on household. My SIL and MIL are both quite loud and intense characters, and my youngest in particular gets a bit overwhelmed and upset. Not ideal for a relaxing Christmas.

So...is it reasonable to say that actually, it might be ‘fair’ to alternate Christmas, but it’s not right for us. We’ll see them either 23rd or Boxing Day but Christmas itself is not going to happen.

Thanks for all the input. I’ll use some of it to open a dialogue with DH to establish if he really does have a view one way or the other.

In terms of some of the questions -

I do like MIL a lot. FIL is very quiet, but very kind.

I don’t really know my SIL as we’ve seen her so infrequently. She comes across as a little bit self centred and our parenting styles differ hugely, so I’ve not really pushed a relationship there to be honest.

PIL won’t come to us on Christmas Day unless SIL can come too - but our house won’t fit PIL, SIL and her children in, no matter how much we squeeze mattresses into rooms! They won’t come for the day. They don’t have space to put us up either - so it’d be a day trip or overnight in a hotel. Usually we have PIL to stay before Christmas or over new year, and do a day trip to see PIL with SIL. What they want is for us to come over on Christmas Day for about mid morning, stay for lunch and the afternoon, then head back in the evening.

Ils have no right to assume sil and her brood need to visit also!! So she isn't prepared to alter her Xmas plans but expects you to?
Invite them. If they don't show it's down to them.
Dc aren't pizzas imo. Aren't delivered to bloody order!!

Fuck that! Only shit g'patents would want their grandchildren to spend several hours travelling on Christmas Day!

Just get your husband to say: actually we think it would Be a bit unfair of us to expect x and y to spend most of Christmas Day in a car!

I refuse to get in to turn taking and take each year as it comes - mixing up seeing either side and being home just us.

Both sides of the family are local so we don't have that worry. I would refuse to do a long drive on Christmas Day itself. My DH has (not so fond) memories of being piled in the car every year and says he would never make our kids do that.

But that would involve you bundling the kids in the car as soon as they wake up, then you and DP not being to drink at all and if it were me, I wouldn't even be able to eat much knowing I had a journey home after a busy day.

Do they not see that that is pretty selfish?

What they want is for us to come over on Christmas Day for about mid morning, stay for lunch and the afternoon, then head back in the evening

Well that will be a very straightforward No. Whatever about doing that on another day either side of Christmas, the day itself should be for the kids. Dragging them away from their toys is unfair. Tell them you'll do it another day if it suits you.

No I wouldn't go that distance. We have family a distance and would always stay overnight on Christmas eve and then drive in the morning but stay over Christmas night / Boxing Day (when we've visited). It's not fun for your kids and it's not fun for you - when do you drink/celebrate?

Is SIL putting on the pressure saying she’d love the DCs to get to spend Christmas together? If so maybe suggest starting a new tradition for the DCs to spend time together.

So either a late or early Xmas.. Ooor a summer get together every year - a weekend somewhere in the middle of you both at a less hectic point in the year but something that brings the kids together and allows them to develop a relationship? You could bring this up as an alternative and say you want the kids to get to spend time with each other and with GPs every year but at a time that is less fraught

Seems like your SIL is part of the problem. Does she not have a DP to spend Christmas Day with, or his family?

When DH and I started dating I insisted that we always spent at least part of Christmas Day with my mum as I'm an only child and all she has. DH has siblings so his parents were always catered for elsewhere. Now, we host my mum and PILs for Christmas Day. We don't have any great distance issues though.

I think you need to be led by your DH on this one.

@PointeShoesandTutus

Thanks for all the input. I’ll use some of it to open a dialogue with DH to establish if he really does have a view one way or the other.

In terms of some of the questions -

I do like MIL a lot. FIL is very quiet, but very kind.

I don’t really know my SIL as we’ve seen her so infrequently. She comes across as a little bit self centred and our parenting styles differ hugely, so I’ve not really pushed a relationship there to be honest.

PIL won’t come to us on Christmas Day unless SIL can come too - but our house won’t fit PIL, SIL and her children in, no matter how much we squeeze mattresses into rooms! They won’t come for the day. They don’t have space to put us up either - so it’d be a day trip or overnight in a hotel. Usually we have PIL to stay before Christmas or over new year, and do a day trip to see PIL with SIL. What they want is for us to come over on Christmas Day for about mid morning, stay for lunch and the afternoon, then head back in the evening.

Simply say ‘as you know it’s too much to come for the day, we understand that’s why you don’t do it’.

I wouldn't want to travel that much on Christmas day either. Christmas day is meant to be enjoyable not stressful. Think it's also a bit cheeky expecting you to do all the travelling and when they're not willing to do the same. Sounds like you'd have a much enjoyable time with your parents. Like others have suggested would you be able to visit with them on boxing day instead?