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Original poster

Is it OK to leave MiL Home Alone at Christmas?

78 replies

TrashieB · 01/08/2021 22:44

Advice needed!! Had Ps and ILs all of married life 20+years, celebrations, christmas, anniversaries, birthdays, easter, nearly every Sunday, but really want to get away at Christmas for a holiday with H and kids now they are older. Is it OK to leave MIL home alone? H and I work full-time, kids are growing up and I just want to avoid all the stress and get away somewhere nice. Its just two weeks away at the end of the day, but is that OK, or should we take her with us?

OP posts:
MoreAloneTime · 04/08/2021 08:17

@Saidtoomuch

When ops post a question giving basic information, get lots of feedback and questions in return but don't reply, even to say thank you, I always think its a journalist.
I never trust an OP that posts and doesn't come back
Ragwort · 04/08/2021 08:19

Talk to her ... what sort of personality does she have? My own DM confided in me that she really doesn't enjoy 'big, boisterous Christmases' and is very happy to stay alone. My own DH & DS went skiing one Christmas and to be honest I loved the chance to just chill on my own at home for two weeks Grin although I did go out for lunch on Christmas Day.

I would genuinely be very happy alone at Christmas - I go to Church, so meet people for a friendly chat, I have volunteered at community Christmas Day lunches in the past and would do so again, have a walk and a nice meal on my own and my choice of tv. It sounds appealing- no mountains of cooking, piles of presents (just a couple of carefully chosen treats for myself), tedious board games that everyone can manage (I love board games but finding something that suits everyone is a pain) etc etc.

I have an only DC - a DS - and want to be very careful not to impose myself as a needy MIL in the future.

golddustwomen · 04/08/2021 08:46

If she would be totally on her own there's no way I would do this. I'd feel shit if I was on my own Christmas Day.

sadperson16 · 04/08/2021 10:57

Lordy, I would be well able to enjoy every second of a holiday without worrying about oldies back home.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 04/08/2021 11:00

Ffs do people actually do this to their close relatives who live alone? How cruel!

ineedaholidaynow · 04/08/2021 11:03

For those saying they couldn’t possibly leave someone on their own, what do they do if their parents are separated and don’t have anyone else (and they wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with their ex)

sadperson16 · 04/08/2021 11:07

Its 24 hours in the dead of winter.
Maybe the oldies love it , home alone.

Choux · 04/08/2021 11:13

Presumably MIL lives alone and spends lots of time alone / with friends?

If she is expecting to spend Christmas with you based on previous years and you want to change things she needs plenty of notice to make alternative arrangements (if she wants to) and ideally a substitute Christmas get together with you either in Dec or Jan.

If she has had a Christmas with you in mid Dec and is then spending the day with her neighbours Beryl and Edward or alone with some great food then you will have done right by her. No one should expect to spend every Christmas with their child and his family.

Lockdownbear · 04/08/2021 11:41

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Ffs do people actually do this to their close relatives who live alone? How cruel!
Exactly seems very selfish not to include unless their is an incredible back story.

Fast forward 30 years when it's you home alone. And your DS thinks nothing of it, well my mum and dad didn't mind leaving Granny home alone for a fortnight in the horrible dark winter.

sadperson16 · 04/08/2021 12:30

Why is it OK to be home alone on the 27th but not the 25th?

ineedaholidaynow · 04/08/2021 13:36

@Lockdownbear that’s a bit melodramatic

Lockdownbear · 04/08/2021 13:42

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Lockdownbear that’s a bit melodramatic[/quote]
Maybe so but what goes around comes around.

BorderlineHappy · 04/08/2021 13:49

Maybe the mil would love some downtime from a big noisy Christmas.
I know I would.

TooBigForMyBoots · 04/08/2021 13:53

Make sure she has enough food and drink, leave the TV on and get someone to take her for walks. She'll be fine @TrashieB.

Oh and don't leave tinsel around. It can be dangerous.

sadperson16 · 04/08/2021 14:16

Does MIL need carers? Is she a lady with a bit of life about her?

Its 24 hours, most of which are dark.

tara66 · 04/08/2021 14:21

Not read many PP but as one gets older the less appealing all the ''stuff'' of Christmas becomes. Some older folk don't feel very well either and don't feel up to the ''big day'' and are more than happy to spend it alone. Not everyone of course.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/08/2021 21:02

Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Ffs do people actually do this to their close relatives who live alone? How cruel!“

If/when I’m finally alone, hopefully not for a few years yet, I would relish a Christmas to myself after doing the family thing for decades. I would light the candles, eat what I wanted, watch what I wanted and raise a glass or two to my beloved husband, should he go before me.
To think that all MILs living alone need to be organised at Christmas is a huge misjudgement.
I’d find it cruel if they insisted I came!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 04/08/2021 21:12

Im torn. On the one hand, it's your Christmas too and you should have what you want occasionally. OTOH, it would be horrible for her to feel that no one wanted her at what is a key family focussed celebration.
Was mil the type to please herself at Christmas when her kids were younger? If so I'd feel less guilt. Does she have other family who would offer? Even if she declines, it is nice to be asked and feel wanted.
I don't really think you are doing anything wrong but whether it's totally right depends on her personality and if she'd be okay or really hurt and also whether she is a good guest or a total pita. If she's really hard work then crack on and put your wishes first for a change.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/08/2021 22:50

What do people do if they don't have children?

saraclara · 04/08/2021 23:16

@ineedaholidaynow

What do people do if they don't have children?
They don't have expectations of being with family, and so don't feel hurt when they're left out of the family Christmas that they've had for decades.

(Though most people get to have Christmas with relatives of some kind. My late DH's single and childless 92 year old auntie always comes to me or SIL or both)

sadperson16 · 05/08/2021 13:39

People who don't have children are sad lonely outcasts during The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.
Not for them the Dickensian feasting,the huge tree resplendent with twinkly magic,the carefully curated gift.No they are banished to a Salvation Army soup kitchen or left alone with a ready meal for one and The 2 Ronnie's.

Lockdownbear · 05/08/2021 13:50

@ineedaholidaynow

What do people do if they don't have children?
Niece and nephews or at least that was the case in my family. DH grew up with his Grannys pal coming to Christmas Dinner too.

I just think it could be very hurtful to be left alone at the most family orientated celebrations.

sadperson16 · 05/08/2021 14:45

It could be or it could just be rather dull.

MattDamon · 05/08/2021 15:58

Could you have a fake Christmas and make a fuss over her before you go away?

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/08/2021 16:01

I love a quiet Christmas, my plan for old age does not involve being with family every year. I'd rather see them before or after and take the pressure off them. I may also book myself in a hotel every now and then too.

Speak to her, she may love a change to the routine and have not felt able to raise it with you.