MIl and Fil have refused dinner invitation as we won't be able to have them the whole day...

[Quadrophenia]

they are now going to go to sil's even though they haven't been invited there. Am really fecked off, decided to invite the in laws this year, it is our turn, however my sister will be spending xmas in town for the first time in years so we have accepted a tea invitation with my family. My mil doesn't want to mess around with taxis and toing and froing so won't be coming to ours for dinner, I have offered not to drink and then drive them later but no not good enough. I wouldn't mind but in the ten years I have known her she has never 'done' xmas herself, waits for everyone else and then moans about the arrangements.
Just to be clear the toing and froing involves at the most a ten minute car journey.

this was a few weeks back, it only came to light yesterday that there was a problem.

since when did an invitation for lunch automatially mean all day... I think the OP has a perfect right to expect to see her own family too

thank you

when caught in a difficult situation, it is best to do what your own family wants to do, I think. Main problem is dp not agreeing rather than mil.

dp will change his mind at least a hundrend times between now and xmas, one minute I'll be the PITA, next it'll be his mum, then he'll blame my family. TBH he is a very hard to please person in these siuations, I guess it because he feels very torn. It will work itself out, I'm sure of that, but I don't want bad feeling.

Could DP stay home with his family whilst you go out with your sister?

Well, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You've done your bit and issued an invitation - how fortunate they have declined it, no?

Quad, just a thought - how much of the Christmas preparations does your dp do? Does he play an equal part in all the cooking? If the answer to this is No, then he is on very shaky ground expecting you to cater for people who seem to be very ungrateful and determined to make you feel uncomfortable. Your mil sounds extremely manipulative. Any normal person would understand why you want (just this once) to see your sister.

I don't see what your husband or your mother have to complain about. You asked the in-laws to lunch, making it very clear that you had other plans for teatime. They presumably accepted under these terms. They live 10 mins away, you have offered to take them home. There really is no problem, they are just making a problem.

In our extended family we always make it clear what an invitation means. My mother in law often invites us up for Boxing Day - some years she has said come for the whole day, other years she has specified for lunch and some years we have been invited for lunch that day and then tea another day over the festive period. Similarly, this year we have invited them for New Year's Day but have specified lunch only and they're quite happy with that.

I think the main problem is your husband - his mother sounds awkward anyway and likely to be a problem whatever, but it's sad if you and he are falling out over it. He should support your wish to spend time with your family. To be honest, what you have suggested is the ideal compromise and I can't see how he can't recognise that.