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Christmas

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Original poster

Should men get out of Christmas prep if they are sole earners?

48 replies

Onedropbeat · 13/12/2020 18:04

Overheard parents talking as DM said how stressful she finds the run up to Christmas and it’s all she thinks about and wakes up in the night thinking of things she has forgotten

DF said that he shouldn’t have to do a thing for Christmas because he works full time and is the sole earner as DM is SAHP

I personally disagree with this attitude. It’s possibly an old fashioned one so probably not worth challenging as I am assuming most people share out a few jobs at least

Am I wrong? Is this still the way most people deal with Christmas? The SAHP dealing with 99% or more?

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2020 18:07

I'd say no but is DM actually a SAHM with children at home or had she just not worked since she was one?

If she's at home with no children to care for and he's working full time, is be a bit now sympathetic to his arguement but would still say he needs to do his part.

If she's home with kids then she also has full time "work" so anything done outside of the time he's at work / she's partnering alone they should do it together

TheQueensGambit · 13/12/2020 18:19

As a SAHM, I agree with the pp; if she is at home without dcs, then I sort of see why he would say that. If she has dcs, especially any not yet school age, then he should be helping, or expecting less.

That said, my mum was a SAHM till my youngest sibling was 18! My dad helped out with Christmas prep. Well, with the tree really. She did all the shopping and cooking.

Butterymuffin · 13/12/2020 18:22

What would your father do about Christmas if he was alone?

MummaBear4321 · 13/12/2020 18:23

I automatically assumed she is a SAHM with kids to look after. If she has kids and is very busy looking after them then he should split the work of Christmas with her. If her kids are grown, then she is just unemployed tbh and has lots of time. She would have more than enough time to get everything sorted before the day. On the day with cooking etc, I never understand why everyone cant pitch in.

RedskyAtnight · 13/12/2020 18:24

Depends what else the SAHP is doing.
My DB is the sole earner in his family and regularly works 8-7 type days.
SIL is a SAHP and her youngest child is 11. Doing all the Christmas prep is absolutely her "job". If she had 1 year old triplets, I'd expect it to be split.

Popcornriver · 13/12/2020 18:27

I agree with you OP. I couldn't sit there and enjoy the day knowing my OH couldn't enjoy it properly because of all the stress of doing everything himself in the run up. Plus the Christmas prep can be really enjoyable if it's not overwhelming.

ShirleyPhallus · 13/12/2020 18:30

Agree with the others

But I also really don’t understand how people get so wound up in to there being “SO MUCH” prep and being all stressed about it. It really should be fun and not stressful and if it is, do something about it to make it less stressful. Buy a Christmas pudding from Tesco instead of putting pressure on yourself to make the perfect Delia one, that kind of thing.

audweb · 13/12/2020 18:30

I’d like to get out of it as the sole earner.. oh but I’m also the sole adult 🤣

I think it’s a terrible attitude, things like Christmas prep should be shared, and it’s not exactly hard to fit in around work, plenty of us do it. Surely it’s much nice to do it together? I know I would sometimes like another adult around to share in it, as it would be more fun.

anon444877 · 13/12/2020 18:30

It's fair for the sahp to do the Christmas prep if they have more downtime, not if they're looking after under 5s whilst the other person is doing their ft job.

rhowton · 13/12/2020 18:30

My mum hasn't worked since 1988 and does everything. My dad probably expects it tbh. I do most of the Christmas prep in our house and I out earn my DH. He is cooking right now whilst I'm watching Pearl Harbour and on MN.

irregularegular · 13/12/2020 18:30

Work and responsibility should be shared out roughly equally, so everyone gets roughly equal time "off". So it all depends on what else your mum and dad are doing. If there are younger children at home, or elderly parents to take care of, or major voluntary work, or if your mum is disabled/ill in some way, then your mum and dad might need to share the household admin including christmas. If not, and your dad is working full-time, then I think it is fair enough that your mum should do the vast majority. On the other hand, it's not a nice attitude for your dad to take, and it would be nice if he took an interest in the preparations and was supportive, even if your mum actually does almost all of it.

Your mum does sound like she's getting overly anxious though. Is she normally like this? Christmas really doesn't have to be that difficult - and this year it's not as if she can be planning big parties or anything.

KatnissNeverseen · 13/12/2020 18:33

I have never had any help from my DH even though we both work but he earns more money than I do. Every year I feel more annoyed about his attitude and wonder what he would do if I wasn't here to buy all the presents, cards and do all the food shopping etc. I think he probably would not bother because a lot of single men just do nothing at all at Christmas. I know one man in his 60s who lives alone and will be happy once Christmas is over for him. It is mainly women who make Christmas happen imho.

ippydippay · 13/12/2020 18:34

I am a stay at home parent with two small children, a teenager and two step children who live with us three nights a week. I do and always have done all the prep in the run up as well as the cooking on Xmas day, my DH works full time and has no idea what Christmas entails in terms of preparation, I've always felt slightly put out- it is a very stressful time for me with five kids and lots of extended family but then on the other hand I'm not expected to help him if he has a stressful work deadline.

I'm following this post with interest....

Nhsisfucked · 13/12/2020 18:34

I don’t really know but why the hell is anyone getting that’s stressed about Xmas, doesn’t sound like much fun for anyone!!

burnoutbabe · 13/12/2020 18:37

But would these men be fussed if actually it was no prep? Ie just a normal roast oh the day? No decorations up? No cards sent to everyone they ever met?

Probably would be perfectly happy with a much more minimal event.

user1493413286 · 13/12/2020 18:40

I wouldn’t exactly say that men should get out of it but depending on your circumstances often the stay at home parent does have more time to do the prep. I’m currently on maternity leave and have a 3 year old and I’ve had more time to do online Christmas shopping than DH has and to research and book Christmas activities. I’ve made sure he buys for his family as I don’t see that as my role and he’ll help with the Christmas food shop (most likely one of us will do it while the other stays with the kids one evening). It helps though that he will cook Christmas dinner so it’s not an additional stress for me to think about.
I do think Christmas as is as complicated as you make it though; there feels like a lot of pressure when you have DC to “make memories” but I’m trying to push back on that a bit.

Pyewhacket · 13/12/2020 18:40

I'm working Christmas Day and Boxing Day so I'm not doing any of it but I'd happily swap.

BerthaBlythe · 13/12/2020 18:45

I’m a sahm and I do 97% of the prep for Christmas, and I’m fine with that. I think every couple has to work out the division of labour in their relationship. It helps if there’s a bit of mutual respect though - December is dh’s busiest time of year and he’s very grateful that I sort out this stuff. And I’m very appreciative of the fact that we benefit from the hours he’s putting in. I’d probably feel very differently if he thought he was entitled to leave it all to me which is a completely different attitude.

Once he gets holidays, and a good lie in, he pitches in with the food prep and any last minute bits. I think we both come from a place of wanting to help each other out as much as we can.

formerbabe · 13/12/2020 18:48

@RedskyAtnight

Depends what else the SAHP is doing. My DB is the sole earner in his family and regularly works 8-7 type days. SIL is a SAHP and her youngest child is 11. Doing all the Christmas prep is absolutely her "job". If she had 1 year old triplets, I'd expect it to be split.

Totally agree.

I'm a sahm of school age dc. I do all the Christmas prep, choosing and buying gifts, wrapping, food etc. I think it's totally reasonable.

Gorbie · 13/12/2020 18:48

I do absolutely everything for Christmas, shopping, sorting Christmas gifts, wrapping and all the cooking. I work 4 days a week and have 3 children 14, 5 and 2.5. My husband and I (he works there I don't) own a whiskey and gin shop so December is the super busy month and he works 6 days a week during the last 3 weeks in December so I'm single parenting in dec as well as sorting absolutely everything out for Christmas but you know I just get on with it, he's super busy and I don't resent it at all, it is what it is. I must confess I'm a little bit of a control freak and I know if I do it it gets done!! He's absolutely no idea what any of the kids have got for presents I just sort it all, some times in love you just have to suck it up and get on with it

1forAll74 · 13/12/2020 18:51

Some people don't like any help when doing all the Christmas stuff, and that means me included. I can never understand why people get all stressed up about these things. The stressed up types, may need some help. though, as they always complain about others not doing much.

My late Husband always kept the fire burning brightly, and carved the turkey on Christmas day, but he always did the washing up after..
(the good old days ha ha)

Pipandmum · 13/12/2020 18:54

My husband worked 10hour plus days and I was a sahp. He did Christmas dinner. I did the house decorating and present wrapping. He bought for his family I bought for mine. I did the cards. It's not something we discussed, but he loved to cook, and I loved to decorate and wrap presents.
There's also that rule that he/she that cooks doesn't tidy up after...so maybe he can be given that chore!

TheCrow · 13/12/2020 18:56

I don't think it matters who is working or who has more spare time, I'd be worrying that your DM expressed something that she finds stressful and anxiety inducing and your DF was so dismissive and didn't offer to help to reduce the stress in any way, basically stating it's not his problem because he's working 🤷 even if he thinks it's something 'small', if it's keeping your mother awake at night she obviously doesn't think of it like that. Maybe the stress isn't just the Christmas planning but the fact that she feels like she's not getting any help or support from your DF. Does he help with anything else around the house or do all the other domestic tasks fall to your DM because he works full time?

PronkWine · 13/12/2020 19:08

I'm a SAHP with DH the sole earner, he buys my presents, his family and helps me cook on the day, day before. Everything else is my remit.

Pretty much the same as any other time of the year, I run the house (and children) and he earns the money.

There's a very equal division of labour, yes we both get irked at points but then we talk about it and resolve it.

DrunkenKoala · 13/12/2020 19:31

I’m a SAHM to school age children so I take the bulk of it. I’m happy doing it as I can organise myself and then get on with it. DP’s main job is going out to get the tree and digging out the decorations from the loft. Sometimes DP works weekends so I have to organise which weekend is best for him to go and get the tree otherwise it’ll be Christmas Eve and he’ll suddenly realise we haven’t got a tree. He also helps with booking days out and activities, ordering presents, both for DC and extended family. I do the wrapping.

I sort out everything from food, delivery/collection slots, presents/vouchers that are shop bought, cards, wrapping paper, Christmas jumpers/party clothes.

It works well for us but I’m hoping to go back to work later next year so we’ll have to look at how it is shared out. My only issue is my dad really. A few years ago we had a couple of years of him announcing early-mid Dec that he’s put a cheque in the post expecting me to go out/order the DC’s presents and wrap them for him. I’ve had to be really firm with him that I don’t mind sorting out and wrapping presents but he needs to get the cheque to by very early Nov as Dec is too busy for me with activities for the DC.

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