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Original poster

Niece turned 18 this year, to buy a Christmas present or not

47 replies

GooseberryTart · 10/12/2020 20:06

My niece lives in the same town and turned 18 in April we don’t see a lot of her and never really have as my sister and I are totally different people (her words not mine) but we are. She has only ever wanted money for Christmas and birthdays since she was aged about 8 and does send a very short thank you text.

Their is a sixteen months age gap between my niece and my eldest DS and almost 2 1/5 years between my niece and DD. Niece has always been awkward with my two always playing one off against the other and when they were little she took turns winding one of them up and had them in tears every time she saw them. When they finally wised up to her she looked down her nose at them. If my children and myself went to my mums my niece was almost always there, always holding court, interrupting or tutting if anyone else tried to speak etc. When younger she would sit on my mums knee and demand a cuddle or want me mum to get her a drink, a toy or put her a video on to distract her from my two. Latterly she just ignores me or them, scowls at us or tries to talk over us etc.

Would I be unreasonable to stop buying her a Christmas present (money) now altogether and still buy her sister age 10 (who also now only wants money) or should I continue on with it for life or until 21?

OP posts:
ProbablyFault · 10/12/2020 20:08

I'd really like to know the answer to this too 😄 - do we just need to do it forever 🧐?

Sally872 · 10/12/2020 20:10

No you don't need to send a gift 18 is a reasonable cut off because she is now an adult, don't have to justify the reason as because you never liked her.

miserableannie · 10/12/2020 20:11

When I saw your title I thought I wouldn't stop buying my nieces and nephews at 18 (I know a lot of people do) but on reading, I would have stopped giving her money years go. Nasty little cow

Mycircusmymonkey · 10/12/2020 20:12

My nieces are early 20’s I’ve been gradually reducing the value of gifts the last couple of years and hoping to end it altogether. this year will be a bottle of wine and a card!

stepintotwitmas · 10/12/2020 20:13

If you don't give a present (cash) then give warning and explanation.
Maybe wait another year if she is still living at home at school? Sounds difficult. Do you like the younger sibling? If not, then give both less so you resent it less? Doesn't sound worth causing a family fallout about so you might be stuck doing cash until the younger one leaves home - or change the rules and just get each a box of sweets.

Bikingbear · 10/12/2020 20:13

Your choice, I'd carry on to 21 if she's still in education.

user686833 · 10/12/2020 20:14

I didn't get all the way through her shortcomings, but it seems like you are trying to justify her turning 18 as a reason to stop buying for her when really you don't like her/have never bonded with her.

I think, in that case 18 is the best time to stop. It was always quite traditional in my working class family to stop buying for nieces, nephews and grandchildren when they turn 18, so it's not out of the ordinary.

But I've been thinking about that recently and although I'm not very close to my niece's and nephews, I don't want to stop buying for them at 18, in fact one of mine is 20 already and I sent something this year. But I think a big factor is that these days family is much smaller. I have only 4 nieces and nephews. My parents/aunties and uncles had 15 nieces and nephews to buy for and of course that's even more grandchildren, so you had to draw a line somewhere.

Notcoolmum · 10/12/2020 20:14

She was a child. I think the way you've described her is quite upsetting. My 18 yo DD would be upset if my siblings stopped buying for her in that way. It's not about the value. But about feeling loved.

stepintotwitmas · 10/12/2020 20:14

I think I was trying to say the same as monkey above.
Just because they want cash, you don't have to give cash.

SingaporeSlinky · 10/12/2020 20:15

In our family, it’s agreed in advance. Everything stopped once we turned 18, but you should tell your sister in advance, then she’ll know to stop sending for your DC at that age too.

Twinpeaksdancingman · 10/12/2020 20:17

I’m 40 and my Aunts still buy gifts for me Xmas Grin

However I do think it all depends on the family dynamics, if you are not particularly close then I would say 18 is a good cut off point.

Superstardjs · 10/12/2020 20:17

Why would you buy a present for someone you so clearly dislike?

YouDidWHATNow · 10/12/2020 20:34

Do you still give your sister something? Do you give any other nieces or nephews who are adults anything? If not, stop.

XiCi · 10/12/2020 20:42

I couldn't even comprehend stopping buying my niece a present because she reached 18. I love her, she's part of my immediate family I'm never going to stop buying her xmas gifts.
It sounds that this is motivated not by finances but by the fact that you intensely dislike her which is quite unpleasant. The way you speak about her as a child sounds very spiteful.
I imagine just stopping would be very hurtful if she is expecting a gift from her auntie on Xmas day so I would either set expectations now or buy her a token gift

WeAllHaveWings · 10/12/2020 20:51

Do you buy for adults in your family, if yes then she should start buying for you now she is an adult. Maybe ask her if she wants to exchange gifts.

We agreed in our family to not buy for adults (Christmas and birthdays) and only buy for kids until they were 21. 18 is not an unreasonable cutoff either.

If you haven't had the discussion maybe get her something small this year and talk about it for next.

XiCi · 10/12/2020 21:00

Oh yes good point WeAllHaveWings. I do still buy for my niece at 26 but she also has bought presents for me since around age 18 as well. Though I do think I would carry on regardless of whether she bought me a gift or not.

veeeeh · 10/12/2020 21:06

It might sound odd, but as a family we all agreed not to buy for the adult siblings, or those over 18 who had a job and were set up.

Makes Christmas so much more enjoyable, as seeing each other without the hassle of gifts (except for the little ones) is great, well apart from this year anyway!

ScottishStottie · 10/12/2020 21:11

My mum suggested to my auntie this year that they could both stop sending xmas presents to the 'kids' and my auntie was very against it, saying it was nice to give gifts to us, and her kids liked the presents from my mum.

Im 30 and one of the youngest of the cousins 😂

OP, if shes going to be there when exchanging presents, then bring a bottle of wine and a card or something, and then make a joke about her being one of the grown ups now or something. Dont let it become an issue. If shes not going to be there then dont bother with anything.

Original poster
GooseberryTart · 10/12/2020 21:21

No we just buy kids for Christmas or for adults without kids.

She is at Uni, but had a part time job before going and no she has never bought me or mine anything or sent so much as a card ever.

I used to buy for my sister and niece for birthdays and Christmases although my sister decided we should stop buying gifts for each other once I had children (said she couldn’t afford to, but I carried on with a smaller token nice gift for her wine and nice chocs) and as I had two children and she only had one I spent twice as much on my niece.

My sister announced last Easter to stop buying Easter gifts completely as older niece too old.

Its strange and seems different in different families probably depending in how close they are. The reason I was asking is because a good friend of mine with 4 children whose kids I buy for, said to me to stop buying for hers at Christmas once they turned 18. Hence, why I was asking. I think my sister would like to break away from us completely and any effort to keep in touch is almost always on my part.

OP posts:
Chailatte20 · 10/12/2020 21:40

I'm 44 and my uncle still buys for me too. I did suggest that he shouldn't as I'm not a kid but he gave me the death stare..........! Grin

Original poster
GooseberryTart · 10/12/2020 21:43

Also my sister always spends far more on my nieces than we do on our two and on herself and her partner and they always spend a lot on crazy expensive purchases for each other at Christmas and throughout the year (far, far more than we do). Yet she is always pleading hard up, insinuating that we are rich and its ok for us and but if she didn’t buy gifts in September she wouldn’t be able to afford it etc. We aren’t rich we just don’t make lots and lots of large crazy expensive purchases all year round and then complain to my mum and other family members that we have no money.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 10/12/2020 21:49

I don't buy presents for anyone I don't like. I don't feel the need to offer any explanation, they can work it out for themselves.
Has she ever bought you a small present?

Amira19 · 10/12/2020 21:55

Don't buy her if you dont want to. There's no need for the character assination, she was a child. Youre dislike for youre sister has passed on youre niece.

ChristmasWitch · 10/12/2020 23:28

I don't really get not buying presents for nieces and nephews once they turn 18! My aunt and uncle still buy token presents for me and my siblings and we're adults! My eldest niece is 17 and I can't imagine not wanting to get her something for birthday/Christmas even if it is just a voucher or whatever small.

Bikingbear · 11/12/2020 06:32

Christmas witch I think many families stop at 18 because beyond that point it can become complicated, especially when they're multiple children.
They become adults, do you buy just them or do you include their boyfriend, ok maybe not, what about a spouse, what about their children?
If they are working they could be earning the same as Auntie with no responsibilities.

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