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Christmas

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Original poster

Niece turned 18 this year, to buy a Christmas present or not

47 replies

GooseberryTart · 10/12/2020 20:06

My niece lives in the same town and turned 18 in April we don’t see a lot of her and never really have as my sister and I are totally different people (her words not mine) but we are. She has only ever wanted money for Christmas and birthdays since she was aged about 8 and does send a very short thank you text.

Their is a sixteen months age gap between my niece and my eldest DS and almost 2 1/5 years between my niece and DD. Niece has always been awkward with my two always playing one off against the other and when they were little she took turns winding one of them up and had them in tears every time she saw them. When they finally wised up to her she looked down her nose at them. If my children and myself went to my mums my niece was almost always there, always holding court, interrupting or tutting if anyone else tried to speak etc. When younger she would sit on my mums knee and demand a cuddle or want me mum to get her a drink, a toy or put her a video on to distract her from my two. Latterly she just ignores me or them, scowls at us or tries to talk over us etc.

Would I be unreasonable to stop buying her a Christmas present (money) now altogether and still buy her sister age 10 (who also now only wants money) or should I continue on with it for life or until 21?

OP posts:

JoeWicksSurvivor · 11/12/2020 06:40

I reckon stop at 18, 21 or 25 so choose whichever you are most comfortable with. I would prob choose 21 but mention it in the year or two before that it is the plan.

TheTeenageYears · 11/12/2020 06:59

I think in your circumstances I would probably stop buying for the older one but continue for the 10 year old. If you were closer I would probably buy her some alcohol as a token gift but if you don't really see her that seems a bit pointless. If you stopped buying for the younger one now that would be treating the sister's differently which I'm guessing wouldn't sit well with you but your DSis would probably be happy with that.

ChristmasWitch · 11/12/2020 10:59

@Bikingbear

Christmas witch I think many families stop at 18 because beyond that point it can become complicated, especially when they're multiple children. They become adults, do you buy just them or do you include their boyfriend, ok maybe not, what about a spouse, what about their children? If they are working they could be earning the same as Auntie with no responsibilities.

My aunt and uncle haven't stopped buying for me and my siblings, it just evolved over the years. Sometimes it's a voucher, sometimes a food hamper. There's nothing complicated about it! My niece has a boyfriend, I included him on her Christmas card and she was thrilled! I got them a mug each with a sachet of hot chocolate inside and then popped a voucher in her card. What's complicated about that?

Bikingbear · 11/12/2020 11:32

It's fine when you are buying for just one or two neices and nephews, but many people are buying for 4 plus, start adding boyfriends / partners then kids.

If they hadn't cut off in my family my parents would be buying for 15 adults, all of whom are on higher income than them, about 7 great nieces and nephews, a great nephews partner and now a great great niece!
That before they look at their own DC and GC.

Do you reciprocate and buy for your aunt and uncle? Many neices and nephews don't.

Cherryrainbow · 11/12/2020 11:42

I would maybe do this Xmas as the last one and then speak to your siblings about the cut off point being 18. They might be a bit funny if you didn't say anything to them and bought everyone else something but not your eldest niece, and they may have already bought things for your family.
I know in my family there has in the past been offence/behind back comments about random stuff like this.

Bikingbear · 11/12/2020 11:42

As a child we had one Great Auntie buy for who knows how many Great Nieces&Nephews. She was buying all year for kids that she hardly ever saw and didn't really know so it just became a nonsense.

FourTeaFallOut · 11/12/2020 11:48

Don't buy her a gift, you don't like her. Honestly though, I despair of adults holding a grudge against a child's behaviour.

Viviennemary · 11/12/2020 11:51

I don't think there is a correct answer. When present buying becomes a chore and you feel it's not appreciated then it's time to at least think about stopping. But there needs to be a bit of discussion first in order to avoid hard feelings.

sashagabadon · 11/12/2020 11:54

I still buy for my niece who is nearly 30!
Normally just money though.

sashagabadon · 11/12/2020 11:55

I like to get her a gift. She is a lovely young lady. I think I’ll maybe stop when she has her own kids ( assuming she does) and I’ll buy for them instead

Redwinestillfine · 11/12/2020 12:00

I would probably continue to get a token gift while she's at home. It doesn't have to be money (and she shouldn't be asking at 18)

ChristmasWitch · 11/12/2020 12:22

@Bikingbear I buy for all the adults in my family. Aunts, uncles, cousins.. even just a token thing is always appreciated.

Bonkerz · 11/12/2020 12:27

Please buy one this year and then have the conversation about no more.
My in laws all stopped buying for my children at 18 with no prior chat and it caused a lot of confusion and hurt when not even a card turned up for them. (Eldest is autistic too so that added to the high emotion of being 'forgotten')

ArabellaPilkington · 11/12/2020 12:37

I just read this feeling deep sadness.

My niece is 22 and I love her dearly. She's finally past the age of wanting cash so I've bought her some fabulous stuff from Anthropologie and it's given me much joy.

Don't care how old she is - want to show her I love her.

Bikingbear · 11/12/2020 12:38

ChristmasWitch it was stopped on one side of my family at 18 and the other side at 21. TBH I'm quite glad not to be changing tokens with about 11 other extended family households.

If it was a small family I could understand it but most families feel a need to draw a line somewhere.

movingonup20 · 11/12/2020 14:34

If she's still in school then I wouldn't stop this year, but I wouldn't stand for the demand for money

Original poster

GooseberryTart · 11/12/2020 23:19

We don’t see them to exchange gifts and have never spent Christmas together.
She is very grabby and looks down her nose at anything other than money.

OP posts:

MrsPear · 13/12/2020 09:19

I will continue to buy until they are independent adults not in education etc

TheGremlinsAreComing · 13/12/2020 12:36

From reading your posts, OP, it doesn't really seem to be her age that's the point here. You haven't had one good word to say about your niece and actually appear to dislike her, so I'd hazard a guess that that's your driving force behind questioning whether you should stop buying her a present. If you liked her or were close at all, I don't think it would be an issue. You'd probably pop her a voucher or £20 in a card (for example!) and that would be that.

BerthaBlythe · 13/12/2020 19:14

We stopped buying for nieces’/nephews’ birthdays and Christmas at 21. By then they all had jobs or pt jobs for a while and hadn’t reciprocated gifts or sent a card, so it seemed time to end the childhood tradition. If one of them had reciprocated I’d have continued the exchange but it felt weird to be giving a chunk of cash that, with a mortgage and small dc, we really felt to a young adult for whom it was just spare change for the pub (they were all still living at home).

It’s up to you and 18 isn’t unreasonable but I’d probably let it go a little longer myself.

Newmum0322 · 24/12/2022 19:31

Notcoolmum · 10/12/2020 20:14

She was a child. I think the way you've described her is quite upsetting. My 18 yo DD would be upset if my siblings stopped buying for her in that way. It's not about the value. But about feeling loved.

I agree with this. I think you’ve got a view of her (probably not unfair) that she was a bit spoilt and perhaps sly. But I think she was probably jealous from what you’ve said. 8 year age gap between her and her sibling whilst your DC were quite close in age. I think she probably felt a bit left out and played up for grandma etc…

It’s not to excuse her behaviour but as she’s older now it might be a nice opportunity to get to know her a bit. Maybe don’t give her money but buy a gift experience, afternoon tea for the family for example so you can spend a bit of time together. Just a thought. But in general as children turn to adults it is reasonable to stop spending as much on them.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 24/12/2022 19:53

I'm an only child so no nieces and nephews but I do intend to stop buying for my godchildren when they reach 18. They get vouchers now anyway but I'll get a bigger present when they turn 18 and one when they are 21.

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