First single parent Christmas...

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

Hi, I split with exDH at the start of this year... I'm not really looking forward to Xmas, we always had really lovely ones, we're good together for these sorts of occasions...just the day to day slog we couldn't do well, plus I just don't have any love left for him...we were together 18 years.. I like him, he does annoy me but we get on. He's much much sadder about it all than I am... So it's going to be hard, a bit weird... Bloody awkward to be fair.... I'm skint, so can't do all the things we used to, he's coming for the day, we are going to be sad of course but also need to be chipper for the DC, 5 and 10. Plus you know, bastard covid.

Just wanted someone to look at my plans to see if this seemed OK really...

Xmas Eve, I thought I might offer him an afternoon out with all of us, local castle for a walk for an hour or so... Then drop him home, go home wih kids. They always have new pjs, film, bed. Run around like blue arsed fly Wrapping presents 😂
Kids have all presents bought, we've split the big ones between us, both bought them stocking stuff... I thought they could have stocking stuff from me on the day, then he would get a taxi here around 10am. Do presents once he's here. If he's got stockings for them, might be nice if they're at his house.

I'll give the kids 10 quid and ask them to pick some tut for a stocking for him. He's getting a bottle of gin from me, a calendar of pictures of the kids (not sure about this, I've been making them for 10 years for family, but does he want reminding of the year we split up... 🤷‍♀️) and drawings they've done of the 3 of them, framed. My parents are coming for lunch, have bought him beers and socks. No idea if he will have got them anything or me, but not the point really.

I might ask my mum to take them to the £ shop to pick stocking stuff for me too..

I've got the kids to pick out decorations from our house to take to his, special ones, so they feel at home there too.

I've invited him and my parents and my brother... I'm doing turkey, he's providing all veg and sides, parents are providing starter and pud.

When parents leave at 6 ish, theyll drop him and kids at his. I'm happy to spend Xmas night doing whatever, he's more likely to be lonely. I'm hoping my newish bf might be able to come over (he's my support bubble and my brother lives with my parents, before anyone says anything 🤷‍♀️) but if not, I'll be totally happy by myself.

Boxing day they might stay over night, I'll see bf and then have time to myself before getting them back... I'll do all holiday childcare as I'm off so I want them to have time with him.

Does that sound OK? It'll be the longest time weve spent together in months.. V nervous. Don't really want to spend the day with him to be fair... But want to get the right balance of normal but not properly together, don't want to confuse the kids but want them to have a nice day.

Trying to think if I've missed anything.. I'll escape for an Xmas day run for an hour mid morning too, might persuade him to take them for a walk too before dinner.. Get him out of my way.

Hoping it kind of strikes the right balance... Never was going to be easy but just wondering if I've not thought of anything... Not really planning on this every year, hoping it'll just be separate from next year.
Thoughts?

Sounds like you are being very considerate to him, far more than most people would be. That's quite a long day to spend with someone you have split with.
I split with my ex almost six years ago so done a few years and he only came here first year as youngest was a baby . He just came for presents and was working after anyway. After that we just split the day between us so one gets them xmas eve to Christmas morning and we swap every year.

Following with interest as I'm in a similar position, but split more recently and not keen on doing anything together tbh. I can maybe tolerate a dinner together.

Last year was my first year as a single parent.
He came to see them Christmas Eve, gave them their gifts from him & spent some time with them.
It's different for us as of course they don't stay with him, at all but that's a whole different thread.

The first year, I can't lie, you will find yourself experiencing moments of sadness. Especially when the kids are in bed (or whenever they're at his).
Doing the Christmas eve thing - putting presents out etc. It was harder than I thought it would be (mentally/emotionally) so I was glad I had in a few 'treats' for me to just relax with once it was done.

You've been very considerate this year but do think about how you want Christmas in future to look. Are you always going to have him round yours?

It seems like you are holding on to a lot of guilt. I understand - I was like that with my ex-DH. I think it is harder when you don't hate their guts re: guilt - but it is much better for the DC of course when you get along.

The problem with your plans are I think it will be confusing for the DC. And you'll be miserable. The DC will pick up on that. Your ex will probably also feel awkward and the DC will pick up on this too. They will have a much happier day if you are happy and not having to pretend to be 'chipper'.

Have a lovely Christmas Eve just you and the kids. Enjoy Christmas morning opening your presents to them. Not sure what time you have lunch but perhaps have it at 2pm and then he can come and pick them up at 3pm/4pm. They can have their presents and tea with him. Then you get some time still with company if you have a wobble after they go. Then some lovely adult time and a lie-in in the morning before they come back. You are important too and it is important you are happy and enjoy yourself. The DC would want that for you.

This is my first single parent Christmas as well.
I've agreed that exh can take them out Christmas Eve afternoon for a few hours and drop them back off with me then they'll be with me till 5pm Christmas Day and only me.
Like the previous poster I think it would be too awkward to be all together too much has happened and the children need to get used to the new normal.
Then he'll have them through till teatime Boxing Day (think he's doing his own Christmas Day on Boxing Day).
I have a mix of feelings about it all, sad that this year is so different to last year (we also broke up beginning after the year after exh affair), I'm sad for the children. On the other hand but I'm looking forward to the new traditions I have planned and I also have a new boyfriend so am looking forward to seeing him as well in the evening.
You have my sympathies OP it's a hard time of year and hard to try and be fair and keep it all happy for the dc.

You’ve missed something really important. Presents for yourself. My first year as a single mum I rushed round making it lovely for everyone else and had nothing to open on Christmas morning, because my husband always did that.
So make sure you spend what you would have spent on XH on yourself. Wrap it up and put it under the tree.
Okay, you know what’s in there, but it’s still nice to have a treat on Christmas morning. Please don’t be sat empty handed.

Yes, I've thought of all that...
I am still feeling guilty... I'm so much happier, still in the family home while he rents.
But, I agreed to it when we were breaking up.. I can't go back on it.
Hopefully just this year, after that I'll be pushing for separate Christmas.
He's got no one else.. He is Irish and parents are there, friends he can't see. All our social circle are my friends really.

I honestly think the kids will be fine, they see us together and are very relaxed about it... Plus they are very very attached to me... They don't do well not seing me.

I'll just grin and bear it this year..

And oh yes! I will buy myself presents... I'll have a stocking, I've bought myself a robot vacumn... Happy days may have already opened it as hate hoovering

I feel sorry for your ex. You're kids wont even believe in santa etc in a few years. He's on his own and he's done anything terrible. I think compassion is important even as coparents. I say this as a single parent who coparents.

I'm saying this most to the posters who are saying everything should be kept separate, rather than your actual plans.

Are you worried that he's not moved on?

Hi op - this will be my third Christmas as a single parent.

One thing I would say like PP is how tiring getting all the stuff done on Xmas eve is! Definitely don’t underestimate that.

I think everyone who compare mrs does Xmas differently. My ex left me following an affair. The first year he stayed over Xmas Eve which didn’t really work. Now he has the DC night before Christmas Eve and brings them back here mid afternoon. He does still come in the morning for presents as mine are young so we still do Santa presents. We also do joint presents from us as well. He then tends to head back to his new family after that. Previous years I’ve always had friends round Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day. Kids then head to his Boxing Day afternoon - although sometimes they ask to go the morning after instead. I do do a few very small gifts just from me on Boxing Day ( we always had Boxing Day gifts in my family so it works!). Ex does something similarly small at his.

Obviously the above only works because my ex isn’t abusive or particularly difficult - and also because I’m not that bothered about Christmas myself and don’t have family near. I think the main thing is not to put too much pressure on yourself this year, don’t have massive expectations and then just gradually get to where you are comfortable in the following years. And don’t let anyone tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing!

One small thing - my ex got me a similar photo family calendar the Xmas he left. It was very painful for me ( I was actually quite hurt by it) - again thought your ex may love it!

Sorry that was WAY too long!

The first one was very painful for us all. I invited ex who'd left a few months previously over on Xmas Day morning. He's wanted the kids at his.late afternoon but they didn't want to break up the day and it didn't seem fair to them. He was aggrieved about that (had them boxing day till new year btw) and we were not.particularly amicable. I went off and had a long bath and rang a friend while he spent time with them and gave them presents. I then steeled myself and made us coffee etc and we spent time with the kids. It made the kids sad, said they liked us all being together, then he left. I cried.privately in the kitchen then family came over. It was a very sad day and I think Xmas really highlights who is missing. You're.spendong a lot of time together and seem very amicable.Maybe just be very clear with the kids that you have split up as mine certainly said they felt upset by it all.

Start wrapping presents now otherwise you’ll find yourself watching the In-betweeners in the early hours of the morning while you finish wrapping presents then up at the crack of dawn with excited DC.

What’s your ex contributing to the Christmas dinner? Is he bringing dessert or something? Will he get you a present or will it be all one way? It sounds like you’re being extremely considerate but will that be appreciated? Also if you do all this this year are you happy for this to become the expected normal?

My first year of being a single parent I stupidly invited ex to stay over Xmas Eve so he could see the dc open their presents, it was awful and it just reminded me why I ended it, he was grumpy the whole time, made Christmas all about him and how unhappy he was which made the kids miserable. He then went somewhere else for his lunch and I felt awful all day for him messing up Christmas.

Since then I have had the dc Christmas Day and he has had them Boxing Day, he calls them Christmas morning. They are now teens and don’t really want to see him at Christmas as they want to be at home. We have a nice relaxed Christmas just the 3 of us and it’s much better than it was when he was here.

I think what you have planned sounds lovely. You’re making a huge effort and it’s really well thought out.

My XH has been here for Xmas lunch every year since we split up. Kids go to his in the morning, his parents go too. Then kids and their dad come here for lunch. The kids disappear to their rooms, leaving me with him. He falls asleep in a chair, snores and confirms all the many, many reasons why we are not married any more.

Sounds like you will be doing most of the hard graft, but carved out some time for yourself too.

Just be aware of setting any precedents for future Christmasses.

Just to add, however you do it, it’s going to be tough. It might be great, it might be utterly shit. You’re doing your best. That’s all you can do.

Ex and I split when DS was 7 months.
He lives 300 miles away, and due to health issues can’t have DS alone (takes heavy painkillers for historic spinal trauma/nerve damage and is ?alcoholic- cant take the risk) been at mine for Christmas for TWO WEEKS every year since. Except last year when he’d just met his girlfriend and so left soon after Boxing Day...

((He used to come to see DS once a month, and stay for a long weekend ... we’ve seen him twice this year. He’s used Covid as the excuse but it is just that. An excuse.))

ANYWAY this year, I’m moving house the week before Christmas, and he’s kicked off that I’m “unreasonable” for telling him he’s only able to come from the 23rd and must leave by New Year .... Despite there clearly being nowhere for him to stay, while I pack up one house, pack another, look after DS, and try not to use any more of my meagre holiday allowance.
Now he’s taking his bat and ball home and saying he won’t come at all.

I tell you this only to say ... be careful how accommodating you are OP. I don’t mean be difficult- I mean, don’t make this working round him, the precedent and the standard.

I thought I was doing the right thing, bending over backwards, opening up my home, putting my feelings to one side, so I could foster a good relationship between DS and his dad.
I was just setting myself up for massive problems down the line.

It sounds way too intertwined and like neither of you have quite moved on, despite you mentioning a BF.

I don't think spending that much time together is healthy or in the kids interest, having separated parents can be hard but it's not the worst thing in the world either.

Carve out your own space with the children alone and let him do the same. Start new traditions. Don't drag on old ones, you are no longer a couple and it's a bit weird to act like one.

I don't mean this to sound harsh. Last year was my first Christmas after separating but I was still very angry with my ex so couldn't have even contemplated time together. We have both mellowed now and get along but I'm glad we didn't set a precedent we may have come to regret.

I think you are being too considerate, Christmas day sounds fine if a bit long but why the family outing on Christmas eve, I realise you are trying to be nice to ex and dc but this often results in confusion, you also may be starting a precedent. My ex used to come for breakfast and opening of presents and this worked well ( surprisingly dc quite happen when he went) I wouldn't bother with presents from you or your parents but a yes from the dc

If you are having your Xmas support bubble as your parents household and your xdh then you cannot have your bf too. Xmas bubble is 3 household's, not changeable, for the whole 5 days. They have to be the same 3 households.

Pre-established support bubbles are one household tales not two. So OP is fine.

@GaryTheDemon

Pre-established support bubbles are one household tales not two. So OP is fine.

Its not, you can only mix with 2 household's for those 5 days regardless of support bubbles, he is household number 4 so therfore its not allowed. And this is why we are gonna be locked down in Jan cos people bend the rules to suit themselves

The children going from one parent to another doesn’t count so even if it’s unwise in relation to their separation, you can’t argue that the ex being there is increasing anyone’s risk.

@TalesTheCat

No that’s incorrect. Support bubbles still count as one household for Christmas. Check “the rules”.
Theoretically 6 “households” could come
together, if they were 3 x support bubbles of two households.

That first Christmas is always hard. I split from kids DF when they were only 3 and 2 years old. He spent the day with us Christmas day and had lunch with us before he went home. It was awkward but the kids really enjoyed it and I think he was really glad to not be alone. The following Christmas he crashed on my sofa so he could watch the kids open their gifts. That only happened once though as he felt out of place sleeping on the sofa of a home he no longer lived in. We continued spending every Christmas together until I met my partner. Ex decided it would be too weird for him to be with us on the day so for the past 4 Christmases we've been taking turns having the kids on Christmas day. I think you have a lovely day planned