No gifts for the grown ups

[LivingoffCoffee]

Is it super Grinch-y to ask our families that we skip presents for the grown ups from now on?

I'm a huge Christmas lover. Decorate like crazy. Scented candles everywhere. Love the Christmas meal and excited to be able to host now that we've moved into a bigger house.

But I just find it a bit tedious trying to find presents for my parents, PIL, BIL, SIL that they will like/appreciate/feels special/we can afford. I don't need presents. I'd be more than happy just having a lovely family meal and day together.

Our DS is the only child on both sides though, so don't know if it's unfair to say - I'm not going to get you anything, but feel free to buy my child something? Or just suggest no presents at all?

Just to add I have no input into my in laws presents. They are my husbands family not mine. They don't buy for the adults except for his one parents and one brother who doesn't have kids, as we have two boys and his brother and sister have two boys each all around the same age.

My mother was successful in getting a no gifts for adults in our side of the family, mostly because my eldest brother's wife us all the most ludicrous presents that you would even be embarrassed to take to a charity shop. I't just fantastic to share Christmas Day with people you love and not have to exchange presents. The DC still get presents.

DH and I suggested to his sisters that we would also do this but they wouldn't go for it, they suggested to him that we (me probably) were trying to kill Christmas, so the gift-giving endures. However, whilst I used to go to a lot of trouble to find them all a gift they'd really love, we've now we reduced it to a bottle of wine and a tin of biscuits per couple, or some years a theatre token. And they will give us something that's ALMOST lovely but doesn't fit or is completely the wrong colour for us or our home. And, they've always misplaced the receipt (cue regifted, reduced months ago). And, so the trek to the charity shop after Christmas continues.

We felt a bit Grinchy about this as we were the ones with no kids so we would have been buying and not receiving (I know, I know you don't give to receive but we are not bloody saints).

However after a few more years of body lotions I don't use, reed diffusers that set off my asthma, port DH doesn't drink and his parents know this, plus other exciting token gifts, I think we are both more than ready to give up on the gifts and buy for children only.

We don't need the presents. We don't like the presents. We like seeing our relatives and catching up.

So we are all down to kids presents in the form of cash, and ritual box of biscuits now, plus sit down for a good natter. It's been a huge improvement and we should have done it ages ago.

We do this in our family. No adult gifts are exchanged but we do let our kids pick something for their aunts and grandparents. Maybe as they have kids themselves we'll change that. Also make sure to buy a few bits for mil as she's single so wouldn't get much otherwise and is always so generous.

We’re doing a secret Santa for adults but with a £40 budget so we only get one gift and have to buy one gift each. But buying as normal for the kids, but me, my sister & step sister all have kids. We haven’t suggested anything to the in laws as we have the only child on that side of the family

Wouldn’t it be a bit late to say no presents considering a lot of people have already started buying?

@IvyRose77886

Wouldn’t it be a bit late to say no presents considering a lot of people have already started buying?

I know my family. There is 0 percent chance anyone other than me and my DH have even thought about Christmas presents yet

That’s good then... my family are the opposite and have probably already finished Xmas shopping😂

I think the giving/not giving has different meanings for different people. I know there is that ‘language of love’ research that shows people demonstrate their love through 5 main ways ( ie most people are one or two of the ways). So I think for some people gift giving is important which seems very strange for those for whom it doesn't have the same meaning .

My sister and mum are like this - place a real emphasis of their birthday being celebrated and were horrified years ago when I suggested no gift giving at Christmas. They are both generous and kind and thoughtful gift givers and also make an effort for other people’s birthdays etc so it’s not just a grabby thing. It really is important to them ( in a way it isn’t to me).

Secret Santa sounds like a great idea, do you have a family WhatsApp? You could suggest it that way. Or still buy gifts but set a limit, say £10 max.
I don't buy for my sister or BIL, but we have 2 kids each, so just buy for the kids. Then I get my brother beer every year and mum face cream. I keep it simple.

I think in the situation where you all have at least one child it's fine but perhaps this is a bit cheeky. I like the idea of Secret Santa that a few other people have suggested and that might be your get out. I completely sympathise though, we have always done this at my side as we were the last to have kids but we were so relieved when SIL had her first and we could do the same there. They were less receptive of the idea but agreed. However they still randomly send gifts for us (well mainly for husband) and claim they couldn't remember what was agreed but we just ignore and carry on. We were getting tired of getting ourselves into debt and stress buying for so many people only to receive complete tat back. I know you don't give to receive but it just wasn't worth the cost and stress. We do have 8 nieces and nephews though so as you can imagine it gets expensive if you add the parents on too.

We've done presents for children only for years on my side. Adults get charity goats. It's great. No stress (which for me works both ways as I find receiving even more stressful than giving) and you can do it all online in about 5 minutes flat.

I think it depends.

If you are an adult who is either single or has a partner who 'never knows what to get them', then the year can be long, boring and rather demoralising when you get no presents ever from anyone. Christmas, at least, you can look forward to a box of chocolates or a bath bombe from your inlaws.

If you have a partner who buys you thoughtful gifts on your birthday and Christmas, then you don't need the family to all buy gifts.

But I'm single and I bloody love having something to open on Christmas Day!

I hate this attitude, just because you 'dont want anything' as a reciever doesnt mean its not really important to others, some people dont have partners, parents or even workmate etc... to buy them stuff and its always them that get left out in these things

theres threads every year on stuff like this from single moms and single people or widows etc... and yet people still suggest it like its a genious idea thats doing everyone a favor and of course the people hurt by it never complain IRL because that would be deemed 'rude' so they just carry the hurt alone

I disagree

What’s better a single parents buys umpteen gifts for family in hope of a gift in return - probably stuff she doesn’t want or need

Or single mom buys herself something she does want?

Or pays the bills
Or ours food in the table
Or puts the spare cash towards a holiday or new clothes in the summer

It’s a waste buying for adults who can buy what they want when they want it.

@BluebellsGreenbells

I disagree

What’s better a single parents buys umpteen gifts for family in hope of a gift in return - probably stuff she doesn’t want or need

Or single mom buys herself something she does want?

Or pays the bills
Or ours food in the table
Or puts the spare cash towards a holiday or new clothes in the summer

It’s a waste buying for adults who can buy what they want when they want it.

you dont get to disagree with other peoples emotions, its not really debatable with your view of 'logic' if someone is hurt by it they are hurt by it lol

Or you could look at it from a social pressure to buy unwanted gifts regardless because it’s deemed essential part of Christmas traditions. Every year we see warnings not to spend on credit, don’t get into debt, don’t over extend, people who get themselves in a financial mess so Aunty doesn’t feel hurt because she didn’t receive her usual bed socks.

Long term pain for those struggling verses a year paying back debt? No contest.

Does everyone contribute towards the Christmas lunch or dinner that you are hosting by making and bringing their favourite Christmas foods ?
Secret Santa for adults worked for our family after we all found it too expensive ( 8 grandchildren, 10 adults) but now we just focus on kids(teens/young adults ) and grandparents, and leave out adults.

• there is one child for each family though

agree with others that leaving out adults seems more fair when all adults do have at least one child

My in laws instigated secret santa for the adults in that side of the family. We are the only ones with children, so I am really uncomfortable with it, though everyone else seems happy.

I tend to go against the rules and give them a token gift from the kids, which the kids have picked or helped make (e.g. painted gift box with chocs, plant pot, etc). I think it is important for the kids to understand gift giving, as well as receiving.

So if you did suggest no adult presents, I think you still need to give a little thing from the child.

We do this, no presents for grown ups over age 21, it is brilliant, everyone is happy with it and it makes Christmas a lot less stressful. I suggested it years ago when dh and my siblings had kids and we didn't, so felt comfortable saying it, not sure I would have if other way around.

Nope not grinchy at all although it is more difficult if people are buying for your child. I would be inclined to still get them a token gift of a box of biscuits or a bottle of something if they have no kids yet buy for yours. Me, DSIS and DSIL all decided to stop grown up gifts several years ago but we all have kids so it was simpler and no one feels guilty.

Our family has a mix of those who have children and those that don't. All still get presents but if its a family with children then the adults tend to get a foody gift, small hamper of bits or a large tin of biscuits where as the grown ups that don't have children still get an individual present.

Means that the budget stays similar even when more babies arrive. No one gets left out, we make the effort to get gifts but don't go overboard and with things like hampers etc its more about picking things those individual really like and making an effort with putting it together, which I get the dcs involved with, so feels more than just buying for the sake of buying.

Christmas gifts are much smaller than birthday gifts but are still meaningful, no tat for the sake of it.