No gifts for the grown ups

[LivingoffCoffee]

Is it super Grinch-y to ask our families that we skip presents for the grown ups from now on?

I'm a huge Christmas lover. Decorate like crazy. Scented candles everywhere. Love the Christmas meal and excited to be able to host now that we've moved into a bigger house.

But I just find it a bit tedious trying to find presents for my parents, PIL, BIL, SIL that they will like/appreciate/feels special/we can afford. I don't need presents. I'd be more than happy just having a lovely family meal and day together.

Our DS is the only child on both sides though, so don't know if it's unfair to say - I'm not going to get you anything, but feel free to buy my child something? Or just suggest no presents at all?

I don’t think it’s “grabby” to suggest no adult gifts. Speaking as the adult without children, I have no objection to spoiling the kids (or even just one kid) and getting nothing back in return.

BUT I’ve also been put in the same position as @Bluewavescrashing We’d agreed no adult presents in advance but SIL bought all the adult gifts anyway. Whhhhyyyyyy? Cue much awkwardness which is all I really remember about that Christmas, particularly as young DN asked loudly and persistently where his mum’s present was and she piously declared it was better to give than to receive

My husbands family have said this. I think it's a bit grinchy to be honest but at least we all have equal numbers of children. He also has a huge and close family so we buy for all his cousins children as well. The children just end up getting loads. I don't think it's fair if you have the only child really. Maybe ask to buy joint presents for couples to keep costs down?

I've tried this for years with DSis and BIL but she buys all year and enjoys it, though honestly most gifts go to charity.

I bought gift certificates last year and DS response was 'oh lovely to have instead of tat'.

Cheeky bitch!

I am not buying vouchers this year, back to that. Yes, I am petty

@YerAWizardHarry

We do a "secret Santa" with DP's parents and his brother and SIL, we write down 3 gifts each upto the value of around £50 (i guess you could increase or decrease the amount) and then you're given the name of a person and buy them one of the items on their list

That's a good idea. At least then there's some surprise

Sounds a brilliant idea but make it clear that you don't expect presents for your son.

It depends if you're seeing them on Christmas Day or in the immediate run up. If you are then you should do something Secret Santa or do as the royals supposedly do cheap and silly jokey gifts.

Something homemade or home cooked

If you don't see them until Easter then just get an Easter Egg or something

I like the themed idea here.... We are in the exact same position that we are the only ones with DC, and last year we tried a secret Santa but everyone just said what they wanted and so there was no surprise or actual meaning/thought behind any present.

Maybe I'll suggest the edible/drinkable theme this year... Unless anyone has done other themes which have worked well?

I want to do the exact same with mine and DH relatives, we have so many of us. It’s not cheeky at all to give a small kid in the family presents just because adults dont get them. I don’t get that at all. It’s never been a straight swop, unless the DC in the family are currently gifting to the adults that gift to them?

Lazy we did themes for a few years - before we stopped altogether. One that worked well was spending no more than £10 in a charity shop ... there were some really fun and interesting gifts (helps that I manage a charity shop ).

You just can’t say adults only if you have the only child!
As pp have said Secret Santa, Price cap, Charity shop Bad Santa are alternative ways to reign it in. And definitely split up the wife work!

I like the charity shop idea. Christmas is all about giving and thinking of others after all.

My issue with this is it gives children the message that they just receive. There's nothing about giving. I intend to take my DS shopping when he's older so that he can be involved in choosing something for other family members. I think it's important, even if it's something small

I am a childfree adult and would find this suggestion really CF-ish.

@Wherearefoxssocks this is one of the reasons we still buy for grandparents. Our DC love choosing and wrapping presents. They also ‘buy’ a gift to DH (he does the same for me with them) and they absolutely love it, they are 8 and 11 (at Christmas) and are still just as bad at keeping it secret

@Wherearefoxssocks DS is only 1, he's got no idea what's going on yet! Once he's old enough to understand there will be cousins to be buying for - that absolutely I'd get him involved with

I don't think it's unreasonable to speak to family members and ask, however as you're the only ones with children I wouldn't be surprised if others weren't a receptive to the idea.
In my family once my sisters and I all had children we stopped buying for each other and just focused on the children. However as the last with a child, they kept buying for me just not each other as they didn't see it as fair that their families got money spent on them and I didn't.

Three years ago we started doing secret Santa for all the adults on my side of the family. Everyone puts their name in a hat, with any suggestions of things they might like (not required, and person who pulls your name is allowed to use or ignore suggestions as they see fit), there's a £30 limit, and we usually exchange at the family Christmas get together (not sure when it will be this year!). It means everyone gets a present but you don't end up buying and receiving loads of unwanted gifts.

Definitely worth suggesting to your family, although definitely sooner rather than later as people may have started Christmas shopping!

My sister tried this one year. My siblings all have 3 or 4 children each. I have none and was single at the time so would have received no presents.

I'm not in it for the presents but I told her to stick it. As did my remaining siblings bless them.

We went the other way and now just buy one present for each family.

We agreed not to buy gifts for adults over 10 years ago and have never looked back. If I want something I'll have bought it myself, I don't need lots of surprise toot. When you have children you're much more interested in the joy they're getting from gifts and I found myself disinterested in any gifts I received. Luckily all my family agree. Our Christmas spirit is about spending time together, sharing amazing food, singing, talking, playing games and country walks.

I’m an only child but husband is one of 3. Since we all had kids we all happily agreed to just buy presents for the children. Happy days if you ask me but perhaps bit odd if other couples don’t have kids.

My gran is now buying only for great grandchildren and grandchildren who don't have kids.

You should still do gifts, its important that children see other people getting gifts, that they give as well as recieve.

If you are struggling for ideas, stop thinking. Go to somewhere like Seasalt or John Lewis and buy everyone socks. Cabin socks, fancy socks, patterned, plain. It can be the thing of 2020, you get everyone the same, thing, just a bit tailored to them. Next year, scarves. Year after, pjs. Pick a thing, everyone gets a version of it. Do this each year. Free up head space.

I've agree no presents with siblings and sibling in laws as it got completely pointless to all buy each other£30 worth of present off each person's Amazon wishlist. Didn't feel like a present really.

We now buy for children only, we have one DS and SIL has three but I don't begrudge it- not the DC's fault!

We must be weird because we all buy for each other and always have done. I have 2 sisters, an adult niece and nephew and my mum so it's not many people really. Usually the BILs just get smellies or socks lol. I have two young children that everyone buys for including my niece and nephew, so I buy them all something. We don't spend loads on each other, just what we can afford.

If you know they are getting your DS something then you could get something for them

You might say "no gifts" but they might feel bad not buying for a child and end up out of pocket

But at the same time I don't think you should have to buy out of obligation

I want to spend less this Christmas too but it's been a tough year so I do want to treat the people I care about