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Original poster

My in-laws this Christmas - should I be upset or am I daft?

42 replies

Janus · 18/12/2019 12:28

Not really had the best relationship with my husband’s parents (mum and step dad), mostly because they live a plane journey away and so being close is hard. But we used to go to them for Christmas when children were small and we only had 2 but now we have 4 and the logistics of getting there for 6 and presents means we haven’t been for years. They haven’t wanted to come to us as getting on and now MIL has dementia.
Anyway, we send a card and nice Christmas hamper each year, not very exciting but they both like food so seems a good choice. I always write something nice in the card.
I’ve just got a card this morning saying ‘to the family, happy Christmas’ from them. None of our names, no little £10 for grandchildren (they are millionaires so It wouldn’t make them bankrupt!), no nice words about hope we are all well, hope we all have a lovely Christmas, etc.
My husband flies over about every 1-2 months to see his mum who is not really well and he has a hard relationship with his step dad. I’m tempted to just hide the card as I know he’s going to be hurt about lack of anything nice said, etc. Didn’t even sign the card ‘mum’ but put his mother’s name.
It’s a bit shit isn’t it?

OP posts:
Selfsettling3 · 18/12/2019 12:31

Sounds like the card has come from step Dad rather than MIL. Maybe MIL is too unwell to sort gifts and her partner is either unkind, crap at Christmas gifts or struggling with looking after MIL.

Peaseblossom22 · 18/12/2019 12:34

Not wanting to be harsh but do you have any idea how hard it is living with someone with dementia let alone caring for them . Frankly I think they have done well to send a card , perhaps he is struggling , no amount of money can compensate for the cruelty of this disease

Original poster
Janus · 18/12/2019 12:36

Yes definitely step dad, mil can no longer write. It’s honestly a desperately sad state, I honestly fear this maybe her last Christmas, I guess he will just remember that last card. I feel shit for him.
(Step dad has carers in every day for about 10 hours each day but I think resents that we don’t do enough which is very hard being so far away. This has been a previous argument and maybe this card is just the way he feels about us all in all honesty.)

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Original poster
Janus · 18/12/2019 12:39

Yes I do see that he has a tough time of it but he does have very good carers and other children that live there and help an awful lot. I totally agree it’s an awful, awful disease. My husband comes home from every visit very upset that his mum has disappeared. I guess that’s why I just wanted the card to say from ‘mum’ not her name but maybe I’m being ridiculous.

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WeeDangerousSpike · 18/12/2019 12:42

Is it possible they've sent you the wrong card? It's the from 'name' rather than 'mum' that makes me wonder if he's got them mixed up?

KitKat1985 · 18/12/2019 12:44

Is it possible he's never really had to 'sort' Christmas before because prior to being too unwell MIL has always done it? I know widowers / male carers that have never really had to organise anything for Christmas previously as their wives had always previously done it, and they literally have no idea what it comes to Christmas what it was that their spouses normally did or what the family 'norms' for gift giving are?

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 18/12/2019 12:47

I do think you are putting far too much on this card. The man has alot on his plate, he probably has no interest in the rules of Christmas

Original poster
Janus · 18/12/2019 12:47

I don’t think so, I think he is also struggling with memory and we have so many childrens names to remember!!! I think he’s genuinely pissed off with us but I cannot see a way to actually help, husband flies over as often as he can but I don’t think he thinks that’s enough.
I think I need to get over myself!! To be honest I think I’m feeling very stressed with Christmas and getting everything right and everyone’s bloody ill in our house that I’m just bloody frazzled and emotional and this has just hit a nerve for some reason!

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Selfsettling3 · 18/12/2019 12:47

I think you are being precious over the Mum thing. If it’s her last Christmas then even with carers in 10 hours a day his life must be really difficult and he is dealing with his wife being terminally ill.

Original poster
Janus · 18/12/2019 12:52

Yep, ok, I see it. It’s hard for the children too though. But I agree he has enough on his plate, I’m often the one telling my husband that as they do rub eachother up the wrong way but I shall put it up and remind husband how hard it is for him when I think he may get upset. Thanks for getting me to see it more from his side.

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purplecorkheart · 18/12/2019 12:54

I would wonder did they ask one of the carers to write cards for them?

Original poster
Janus · 18/12/2019 12:56

No, I recognise FIL’s writing. It’s ok, I realise I’ve over reacted!

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user1494670108 · 18/12/2019 13:15

My dad has dementia, last year I put cards In front of him to simply sign his name. He managed a few but not many and put his name in the wrong pace no matter how clear I tried to be. This year even that is totally beyond him.
However, I have put a note on my own cards to those relatives to explain that he is happy and well cared for.

Original poster
Janus · 18/12/2019 13:17

user1494670108
I think that’s exactly it, just a little note saying something like ‘mum is well and keeping us on our toes!’ would have been wonderful to hear. I’m so sorry for your Dad and you, it really is such a cruel disease.

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stridesy · 18/12/2019 13:21

To be honest my parents forgot my brothers birthday...my dads had cancer and my mums had a spell in hospital. I wouldn’t dwell on it...they clearly have a lot going on and it’s difficult to focus on the small things.

LifeSpectator · 18/12/2019 13:32

Honestly, i think you got exactly what you deserve, you're not involved with them, your step fil has enough on his hands just sending you a card, without thinking ..oh her son who turns up maybe 8-10 times a year ..would rather i signed it mum..he was clearly writting a batch of cards and you got one, its just another hjob he feels maybe he has to do as obligated but would have been his wifes job, im sure he didnt mean to cause offence, if your dh feels bad as you think he will, maybe this is a sign he should do more, a lot more...

CloseEncountersOfTheTerfKind · 18/12/2019 13:33

I can't believe you are complaining someone living in these circumstances didn't send you enough "nice words" or money for your DC, which you helpfully say they wouldn't miss as they are millionaires HmmThey are caring for their terminally ill wife with dementia, FFS and you're feeling upset and complaining they didn't write enough in the card, or put money in!

I can see you realise you're in the wrong with your reaction, but I'm seriously astounded you even thought this.

I think it's fair enough to say you are worried that this is a sad reminder to your DH that his mother is slipping away, but that really really isn't how your first post came across. I think you will get a lot of posts from people reacting to that as it came across so badly and so self centred, and it's a sad subject for so many.

reginafelangee · 18/12/2019 13:42

I think you are massively over thinking the card and massively under thinking the impact this is having on step PIL

Original poster
Janus · 18/12/2019 13:46

Yes, I agree, I messed up, I did honestly think this will upset my husband.
And they live a plane journey away LifeSpectator, he flies there as often as he can, roughly once every 6 weeks, time off from work etc, I don’t know how much more regularly he can go than that?
But yes, I had a self centred moment. I CAN SEE THAT.

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Original poster
Janus · 18/12/2019 13:51

Honestly, the replies really have made me step back and get a grip, I do value your replies. Sometimes you need to be told you are being an arse.

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Hotpinkangel19 · 18/12/2019 14:23

My mum was terminally ill and my DF was her main carer, although carers came in to help and I helped where I could. I saw how much he struggled and how broken hearted he was to be almost waiting for his wife to die and see her fading away in front of him. The last thing I would have ever wanted him to worry about was pleasing other people - if we didn't get a card I wouldn't have cared less! Yes, she was my mum, but she was his wife. I'd still have my husband and kids once she died. If you're not involved in how hard his day to day life is, you'll have no idea. Give the poor man a break.

Original poster
Janus · 18/12/2019 14:27

I see that hotpink, it must be absolutely awful to see your other half slowly disappear. Honestly I was being an arse. I guess I was trying (badly) to say this does affect the children too but I see that he has much better things to worry about than us lot. Sorry for your mum and dad.

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Besidesthepoint · 18/12/2019 14:38

I really feel that you should try to go tgere with the kids sometimes. It doesn't have to be christmas and it doesn't have to be every year oif it is far away (how far away is it?). But not seeing them for years sounds like abandonment to me. I have family in Australia that I try to see every 2-3 years. These are your kids grandparents, they should at least meet them.

Original poster
Janus · 18/12/2019 14:45

We did all go last summer and plan to go next year, we do go about once a year, not for Christmas any more though as just too much for everyone. She is however upset by crowds or maybe disruption to routine now and I’m not sure she’d like us to go, she didn’t know who I was or any grandchildren were the last time we saw her which does upset/confuse her??

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Oldbutstillgotit · 18/12/2019 16:50

You say a plane journey but there is a big difference between flying to France/ Spain and flying to Australia. I have a friend whose parents live in Spain and are both frail and she flies over every 3 weeks- Friday morning - Monday evening.

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