My in-laws this Christmas - should I be upset or am I daft?

[Janus]

Not really had the best relationship with my husband’s parents (mum and step dad), mostly because they live a plane journey away and so being close is hard. But we used to go to them for Christmas when children were small and we only had 2 but now we have 4 and the logistics of getting there for 6 and presents means we haven’t been for years. They haven’t wanted to come to us as getting on and now MIL has dementia.
Anyway, we send a card and nice Christmas hamper each year, not very exciting but they both like food so seems a good choice. I always write something nice in the card.
I’ve just got a card this morning saying ‘to the family, happy Christmas’ from them. None of our names, no little £10 for grandchildren (they are millionaires so It wouldn’t make them bankrupt!), no nice words about hope we are all well, hope we all have a lovely Christmas, etc.
My husband flies over about every 1-2 months to see his mum who is not really well and he has a hard relationship with his step dad. I’m tempted to just hide the card as I know he’s going to be hurt about lack of anything nice said, etc. Didn’t even sign the card ‘mum’ but put his mother’s name.
It’s a bit shit isn’t it?

Yes it’s that distance rather than Australia. Husband runs his own business and is away abroad for most of the month, so home with us about 8 days a month so him going once every 6 weeks I don’t think is slack though, do you? It’s not my parents and they don’t know me that well so she wants to see her son not me (she honestly would not know who I am) but she does have moments where she recognised my husband so it’s important for him to go. Does that sound the right amount of visits? He would honestly struggle to do much more without the business going under though. I did offer last year to my husband that they come and live over with us but it’s way too difficult with 4 children coming and going and doors being left unlocked and we live on a main road. All the rest of her children and grandchildren are where she lives so we’d then be isolating her from the rest of her family. I don’t know how to help to be honest when she doesn’t know who I am and I have no one to leave my 4 children with to go and help, I would have to have my husband here for me to go but it’s really him she wants to see.

OP this has happened to us just this week, but instead it's my DH's aunt that is ill not his mum (his mum sadly passed away a few years ago).

Aunt's partner has written the Christmas cards this year; ours was addressed to my DH and then the name of my sister-in-law (BTW we've been married 20yrs). I was a bit upset, and I knew my DH would be upset: but because it speaks of what they are going through, and what her partner is having to cope with, and how bloody awful it must be. Not because of some perceived slight.

Daisydoesnt very sorry you have an ill family member. As I’ve said, I know I was being an arse!

Aww I do feel for you. We can all be a bit self-centred at times. You love your husband and it's natural to pounce on people you're not close to when you feel he's not being treated as well as he should be. I get it.

If I were you, I would thank the stars you didn't post in AIBU and then hide the thread before this gathers enough comments to hit trending and the less diplomatic -vicious- posters then come over for blood .

To be honest they don’t have a great relationship at all, he has not been a great step father to him and husband was told to move out at 17. There have been some awful rows in the past so that’s why I worry about how my husband will feel.
Yes, thank god I didn’t do this in AIBU! But I do still say I was being a bit of an arse too.
I’ve asked thread to be removed too but thank you for your kind words.

In fact the last row they had about a year ago step father said he has never considered my husband his son which is why he didn’t ever try and adopt him despite being with my husbands mum for 40+ years now. So i guess I am a bit sceptical.

Can your MIL still read? With my limited experience of advanced dementia it seems likely to me that she doesn’t remember names so calls relatives family and perhaps she doesn’t associate the name or word mum with herself anymore so uses her name. Maybe she told her husband what to write or perhaps he hasn’t had to do the cards before and either couldn’t remember everyone’s name (or spelling) or genuinely thought it was an acceptable card.

@ Janus sorry , my comment came out harsher than I intended but I was just trying to understand the distance involved .

I don’t think she can to be honest, she can’t really talk very much any more, it’s very advanced. I do wonder actually if postcards maybe a good idea though, she can be read to and may enjoy that and can keep them to look at.

I wish I had saved a few of Mums cards over the years - just to see "love from Mum" you never think to save these things till its too late.

try postcards with your own photos - I am sure there is an online thing you type message in and upload photo - Mum loved photos at the end - they were all over the bottom of her bed (She also had dementia)

Don’t worry Oldbutstillgotit, I didn’t see it as harsh but just trying to get an understanding. I really don’t think husband (with hideous amount of responsibility, own business, working with time zones that also work on a Sunday so never switches off) can manage any more than every 6 weeks. Husband really is trying to be involved and loves his mum dearly.

Brilliant idea, I shall send postcards with the kids on the front. We have sent a Christmas card our youngest made at school which I think she will like too.

Aww op

It’s hard isn’t it? you’ve been so sweet and gracious on this thread, a rarity these days. I’m sorry you and your dh are going though this losing someone you love is hard enough but when their carer is hostile it makes it doubly so. I have a friend who experienced similar with her dad and step mum. A really difficult situation all round.

MadameButterface You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. I have a real problem admitting anyone has faults and have stuck up for this man consistently, even when all siblings haven’t agreed with me. I do still think that he does absolutely have a huge amount on his plate though and none of us are perfect.
Thank you for the kind words and understanding.

It’s hard to watch someone be almost blocked from even beginning to deal with their grief and sadness because they are constantly waylaid dealing instead with anger and frustration at how their ‘conduit’ to their loved one seems to want to push them away or make life difficult. It’s understandable to me that this card with its cold sounding message might encapsulate that whole complex situation really. It’s ‘just a card’ on its own but it’s also part of a bigger picture to do with your dh losing that closeness with his mum, and it’s very sad. So don’t beat yourself up too much for having a seemingly disproportionate response to it i reckon x

Thank you again Madame, very wise and comforting words. It pains me so much to see how upset my husband is but also feels anger with it all. I will make a real effort to send postcards and make a firmer connection from our side.