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Original poster

How to avoid burning martyrdom?

28 replies

didireallysaythat · 14/12/2019 22:58

I've done the Xmas cards, I've bought DS1&2 presents (still need to work on the stockings), I've bought m-in-l presents, b-in-l plus wife plus kids presents, I've bought DH presents, I've sorted the online shop, I've defrosted the sodding freezer so it will fit, I've booked lunch out boxing day, and today I suggested going into town to do the last bits of present shopping.

So how do I get over the fact that noone even thinks 'oh I wonder if Didi would like a stocking for the first time ever' and the fact that I know the only thing I've got is a dull recipe book (which I almost wrapped while wrapping all the other f*ing presents).

It's like this every year and each year I say I won't let it happen again. But here I am.

If this sounds familiar but you've managed to change things, what's your top tip???

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 14/12/2019 23:05

Take yourself to Waterstones, choose a good book, have it wrapped there. Then go to hotel chocolat, choose some goodies, have them wrapped.
Have a nice stash of money and go wild in January sales.that’s what I’m doing.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 14/12/2019 23:08

Take DHs presents back for a refund. Tell him he’s cooking Christmas dinner.

WhatchaMean · 14/12/2019 23:09

There's only 2 ways to avoid martyrdom:

  1. Stop doing everything
or
  1. Ask for what you want (never assume they'll guess)
CornedBeef451 · 14/12/2019 23:14

I made it a rule early on that I do my family and DH does his. His weird family are definitely not my responsibility.

We share getting the kids presents but I do the wrapping as I enjoy it and I am considerably better at it.

I usually do food shopping but DH does the cooking on Christmas Day as he enjoys that sort of thing.

It seems to work out ok and I don't get the Christmas burn out lots of women seem to get.

Knittedfairies · 14/12/2019 23:14

You actually tell someone that Didl would like a stocking for the first time ever. Just say it; the sky won't fall in. A pound to a penny someone will say something along the lines of: 'you should have said/I thought you weren't bothered.' Then you ask for money or vouchers so you can buy your own gifts; not very exciting, but no disappointment either.

EL8888 · 14/12/2019 23:14

@WhatchaMean l think you have the options covered there

CornedBeef451 · 14/12/2019 23:16

I do often get slightly rubbish presents though, prefaced with "I don't think you'll like it...". This year I sent DH a link to some DM boots I wanted and they arrived yesterday! Much better than another heart necklace I can't/won't wear.

EL8888 · 14/12/2019 23:18

@CornedBeef451 same. I sort my family and he sorts his. My ex tried to get me to do it all and l politely declined

Hobbitfeet32 · 14/12/2019 23:18

So don’t do it all. Tell husband that he’s sorting his side of the family gifts out. I did exactly this this year and SIL and nephew have been given cash by husband and I haven’t had to bother sorting something out. We have also split a lot of the other Christmas tasks up and I am not worrying about the jobs he’s got to do.

AgeLikeWine · 14/12/2019 23:22

Sorry, OP, but I have very little sympathy for martyrs.

If doing everything is making you exhausted and resentful, the solution is as obvious as it is simple and effective.

Stop doing everything.

Problem solved.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 14/12/2019 23:32

Next year- November 1st maybe- sit down with DH and 3 pieces of paper. On the first piece you will have already written out a list of everything that needs done, bought, booked, arranged, ordered, posted, wrapped etc.

On piece 2 you will have written the names of your family members that you will be buying for/sending cards too etc.

On piece 3 you will have written the names of DHs family members that he will be buying for/sending cards to.

Then the two of you will go through the list on page one, item by item, and decide who will do which tasks and add that item to your own respective pages. Then you’ll both take your own lists and put them in your purse/wallet.

On the 1st of December you will both sit down with your lists and see what’s been done, what’s left to to and any issues that might need addressing.

On the 6th of January (or whenever you pack your decorations away you will pack all 3 pieces of paper in with the tree or wrapping paper or whatever so it’s already there ready for the following Xmas.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 14/12/2019 23:34

BTW the first name on DHs list will be your name. And you will both say to each other “anything in particular you’d like?” Before going off with your lists.

Tigger001 · 14/12/2019 23:35

I have to agree with WhatchaMean.

Either don't do it or be clear on what you do want.

There is nothing worse than being resentful of the good things you do. If you don't really want to do them, don't and talk to your family and dish out jobs and say you feel hurt and want them to put some effort in.

Schwibble · 14/12/2019 23:41

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory that sounds very tedious and I doubt OP's partner will co operate. Nice idea though.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 14/12/2019 23:44

More or less tedious than OP having to do it all by herself every year for no thanks? It’s a 10 minute sit down one two days.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 14/12/2019 23:45

on two days

fedup21 · 14/12/2019 23:53

I tend to do the bulk of it-the cards, food shop, meal planning, present buying and wrapping because I like shopping and I work part time so have more hours in the day to do so.

DH cooks the Christmas dinner though-am very glad as cooking is not my forte!

I do an Amazon wish list for me (as he does for him) and he chooses from that so it’s easy and I’m happy!

Original poster
didireallysaythat · 15/12/2019 00:39

Thank you all so much! I did just need a bit of sense introducing into it all. I guess I have guilt (actually I don't guess, I have it by the shovel!) this whole expectation of what Xmas should be, how it should be better than my childhood ones, but apparently only I can see this. You are all right, I will stop where I am. I feel like I was unfair complaining about having to do presents, as I don't do anything for my parents (my father died last month which is possibly adding to my general mood), and we don't do my extended family at all.

When it comes to presents for me, I don't think there's anything I really want. But that's somewhat different to wanting nothing, if you see what I mean. I guess I would just like someone, not me, to come up with ideas.

OP posts:
BrokenLogs · 15/12/2019 00:52

Dh buys the presents for DC, his family and me and I do his from me and DC.

He cooks Christmas lunch, does the tree with the DC and decorates the house.

I do do all the wrapping, but not sure we actually split it 50/50 now it's written down!

But there's 364 other days of the year I definitely do do more than 50/50 so I'm ok with it.

Chickydoo · 15/12/2019 01:05

No cards I gave up last year....hooray...my friends & family still like me
Order all gifts online. (I have not gone in to town once to buy any gifts)
Stocking fillers picked up throughout the year
Minimal but classy decs
Delegate jobs on Christmas Day if you are entertaining.
Set table the night before.
Lots of wine & plenty of laughter.
If you want a specific gift make sure the right person has a link to what you are after.
It's one day, try & enjoy it.

Montypontypine · 15/12/2019 01:16

Give your DH a list of 5 or 6 things with instructions he is to buy you 3 of them af least. Still a surprise but you get something uoy like or want.

Fatted · 15/12/2019 01:30

Definitely stop doing it all is the first step OP.

DH and I started out straight away with I do my family, he does his. Which is why my family get nice presents and his family usually get bugger all. We haven't even bought Christmas dinner yet!!

To be frank, I don't have a lot of time for complaining martyrs. I do think in a strange way it makes them feel wanted and it probably is quite upsetting to realise that's actually most of what they do isn't necessary. I genuinely think that if you didn't do half of the things you feel like you have to do, no one would actually bat an eyelid.

TheWayOfTheWorld · 15/12/2019 08:46

I give my DH a list of things I would like (even now though he is saying things such as "which things are you most hoping for/will be disappointed if you don't get" and is hinting he has gone off piste Hmm).

Also this year I have bought us both stockings and have told DC that they have to sort out my stocking with their father - and I will sort out his with them. We shall see...

ivykaty44 · 15/12/2019 08:50

Go and purchase yourself the most beautiful piece of jewellery & some very lovely perfume. Wrap up the presents and on the tag write...to the most wonderful didi thanks for all you do merry Christmas much live

Watch their faces Xmas day when you open them and exclaim how beautiful the present are😜 make sure there is plenty of gushing, oohs and rrrs

Carriemac · 15/12/2019 08:55

Why are you saying you don’t really want anything? Stop being a martyr, you want a stocking, and a thoughtful gift . Put yourself first.