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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

How much do you spend on your adult dc?

36 replies

Fantasisa · 10/12/2019 18:14

DH has three adult DC and we have two primary aged DC.

He, rather understandably, has always been keen that we spend the same amount on all the DC. The issue now is that all of his adult DC are in full time professional careers, one with her DP out earn me and DH.

DH and I can comfortably pay the bills every month but we haven't been on holiday for four years etc so we aren't exactly flush. I would like to spend £50 on each adult DC but DH thinks it is mean when we spend around £100 on our DC. In the past we have done experience gifts (theatre, escape rooms, etc etc) but this year we are planning vouchers towards their chosen interests in the name of giving gifts we know will be used.

What does everyone else do when the DC grow up? I understand DH's position but I think surely when everyone has their own homes then things change a little?

For context, we always tell them not to buy for us to save their money and only to buy for the DC (their siblings).

OP posts:

lifeisgoodagain · 10/12/2019 18:19

I only have adult dc, both students and I'm giving them £150 each plus stockings. Don't know what I would do in your situation, it's not arisen (yet at least, never say never!)

RuthW · 10/12/2019 18:25

My dd is 23 and in full time work. I have spent approx the same as before she was working. All are your children and should be treated the same. ( either same value or same amount of presents, whichever you do)

Original poster

Fantasisa · 10/12/2019 18:30

I think we would spend the same, no question, if we weren't trying to be careful. DH and I don't get each other presents and haven't for years for example to cut back on the festive cost.

The other related issue that crops up is that whenever we go for a family meal we always pay for everyone including partners because obviously for years as the parents we paid for them. I would like to move away from that too now they are all in professional career jobs too but not sure how to!

OP posts:

hiredandsqueak · 10/12/2019 18:37

We spend £100 on adult dc and I do them stockings which cost probably another £30/40. We spend significantly more on our youngest who is still at school. My older ones live away and have independent lives working and buying whatever they choose. I think they would find it strange if I bought them as much as the youngest because it's a rite of passage and a sign they have grown up.

FinallyHere · 10/12/2019 18:39

£100 first generation, £50 each on their kids

We are comfortable and think we are contributing to their university or first house funds. Of course, we can't know

Jeleste · 10/12/2019 18:41

If its a money thing then i would just even it out.
For example if he has 2 adult children and you have 2 smaller children instead of spending 2x50 and 2x100 just do 75 for each?

ineedto · 10/12/2019 18:43

I have much younger siblings. When I moved in with then DP my parents started cutting back on my Christmas gifts. We now get a £50 voucher, pyjamas and socks each.

Original poster

Fantasisa · 10/12/2019 18:47

That is a good idea, but our DC only get presents at Christmas and birthdays from us and we are both from small families so what they get from us is mostly their lot and I don't want them to miss out

We may not change anything for this year, but it is good to get a sense of what others do.

OP posts:

brassbrass · 10/12/2019 18:52

I really think they'd understand if they are in careers that earn more than you?! Surely you just need to have a conversation. As for the meals you really need to stop that if you can't even afford presents to each other. What you save on meals out would go towards making your Christmas a little brighter. It's not teaching them anything by picking up the tab every time. Adults contribute. I'm shocked they don't insist on paying their way.

Original poster

Fantasisa · 10/12/2019 19:06

I think they would understand actually, or certainly 2/3 would! It is more DH who needs convincing, he wants to be fair and make Christmas special for everyone. They are all comfortable and have (as they should at this age!) several holidays abroad each year.

We now go out for very few meals with them as we cannot afford to pick up the tab. I think we used to offer (they were in university, low paid jobs, tradition of 'parents' paying) but now I think we'd prefer it if everyone covered themselves but I'm not sure how we would bring it up. We host family events now which is still expensive but a fraction of the cost of eating out.

OP posts:

Autumnfresh · 10/12/2019 19:09

You're not letting your adult children grow up. As the oldest child I fully expected to get less value gifts than younger siblings who wanted stereo's and tvs. I had those things when they got a car or doll to play with.
I would also be mortified if my parents paid for my meal in a restaurant unless I had been pre-warned that 'this is my treat' kind a thing.

Lovemusic33 · 10/12/2019 19:12

My parents spend about £30 on me and have done since I turned 18. I wouldn’t expect them to spend more, I’m a adult, I work and have my own money. I’m sure if I needed anything or any help with money they would help me out but I don’t see why they should spend £100 on me.

I think £50 is plenty but I know others won’t agree. We just don’t spend a fortune on adults in our family.

BarbedBloom · 10/12/2019 19:14

Our families spend same on us as they always have, MIL in particular is very generous. My mum also spends the same on my sibling as on me and also buys his children gifts, so I suppose she spends more on that side but that doesn't bother me. I think I would keep it the same but lower amount for everyone to give a bit more money to play with. If I had kids I couldn't see myself spending less but I like spoiling people at Christmas so that is more my own personal inclination.

WeirdCatLady · 10/12/2019 19:36

OP, it comes across that you want to spend less on your DH’s dc than on ‘your’ dc. Imho the fact that some are adult and some children is irrelevant and they should all be treated equally. But I suspect that isn’t what you want to hear at all.

LolaSmiles · 10/12/2019 19:40

I think it's reasonable to spend less on independent adults than younger children.

Our parents spend less on us now than they did when we were younger children. That's the norm in our friendship circles too.

Is your DH proposing spending hundreds indefinitely every Christmas or just until the younger children are adults (so they don't get the same length of time with large gifts)?

Sprinklemetinsel · 10/12/2019 19:42

I'm shocked at these responses! My DC's are 19 (student but also earning) and 23 (earning and living at home). They'd be mortified if we treated them like children! They get a stocking, and a gift from each of us. I've spent about £30 each, so that would be a total of £60 and a stocking. When they were younger, we spent much more.

thecalmorchid · 10/12/2019 19:45

£150on each child adults included.

thecalmorchid · 10/12/2019 19:46

And stockings for children and adult children are about £30-40 each.

WhereverIMayRoam · 10/12/2019 19:46

There’s no way I’d spend the same on earning adults as on primary school children on the basis of “fairness” . Yes, they’re all DHs children but the three adults are at a different life stage to the school children.

I bet they don’t realise they’re potentially limiting what can be bought for their younger siblings, surely any adult would be mortified if they thought children were getting fewer gifts, or their parents couldn’t afford to treat themselves, all so they could have a set amount spent on them!

I wonder if some of this is about your DHs pride, seeing himself as the head of the family sort of thing? My dad can be a bit like that - he seems to feel like he should cover the bill if we all go anywhere when actually we’re most of us quite comfortable and find it really awkward that he won’t treat us like adults ie equally responsible for the bill (or god forbid allow us to pay).

AuntieMarys · 10/12/2019 19:50

I spend about £400 each on my adult dcs. No idea what dh spends on his. The dcs never see each other at Xmas so dont go " ooh you've spent more on them than us".

Msgiggles30 · 10/12/2019 19:51

I'm 31, 2 sisters in late 20s. Mum still spends around £150-£200 each on us. I tell her she shouldnt and that we are all adults now (2 of us earn more than her!). I would in noway begrudge just having a token gift and would rather money be spent on the little ones for me thats what christmas is really about. Not the adults, spending quality time together is what's important for the adults in my eyes!

WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl · 10/12/2019 19:53

My Mum doesn't get me anything. She declared a couple of years ago that since DBro and I both had two kids it was getting too much for her to get us gifts as well so we now get nothing. Not even socks.

Nonnymum · 10/12/2019 19:54

I spend about £100 or sometimes bit more on my adult children. One has a partner and children and I buy for them too but I don't see that as any reason to spend less on them.

MysweetAudrina · 10/12/2019 19:55

250e each on ds26, sd25, sd23 and around 600e each on dd11 and ds10.

lalaloopyhead · 10/12/2019 19:58

I think spending the same on adult kids is madness! I assume they have had 20 odd years of £150 budget, and what makes it fair is younger kids getting same amount of years surely...

Again assuming a fair age gap between younger and older children, does anyone really think OP and her DH should spend more than they can afford until adults are 30-40 just so they don't feel left out???

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