How much do you spend on your adult dc?

[Fantasisa]

DH has three adult DC and we have two primary aged DC.

He, rather understandably, has always been keen that we spend the same amount on all the DC. The issue now is that all of his adult DC are in full time professional careers, one with her DP out earn me and DH.

DH and I can comfortably pay the bills every month but we haven't been on holiday for four years etc so we aren't exactly flush. I would like to spend £50 on each adult DC but DH thinks it is mean when we spend around £100 on our DC. In the past we have done experience gifts (theatre, escape rooms, etc etc) but this year we are planning vouchers towards their chosen interests in the name of giving gifts we know will be used.

What does everyone else do when the DC grow up? I understand DH's position but I think surely when everyone has their own homes then things change a little?

For context, we always tell them not to buy for us to save their money and only to buy for the DC (their siblings).

@WeirdCatLady I do want to spend less on them, my OP clearly states that. Not because they aren't mine but because they are adults.

When DS starts secondary next year, we will want to get him a laptop for Christmas. We wouldn't spend the same amount on our DD that year, surely the spend has got to be about need/capability rather than a blanket equal spend for all?

Dd12 and Ds 26 - Dd is mine and DH, Ds is mine and ExH. I’ve never spent the same on them, when dd was small and Ds was a teenager his presents were a lot more expensive than hers, now Dd is older hers cost more. DS no longer lives at home and has a GF who we obviously buy for as well. They are well off ( 3 properties between them). They also get presents from ExH ( although that was never a factor which was considered when he was at home so he in theory got more)
I’ve never really considered that dd gets more as feel Ds had it at the same age and I don’t think it would even cross DS’s mind that his sister has more at the moment. I think it all evens out eventually.
Im sure the adult children wouldn’t expect to have the same amount spent as your younger 2.

And imo I don’t think your OP comes across at all that you want to spend less on your DH’s children because they’re not yours. I assume you’re probably also buying for any partners they have?

OP I'm in a similar predicament but all 3 are mine.

DD1 is 20, doesn't live with me & hasn't really asked for much but gets loads from her partner

DD2 is 18, still at school & although hasn't asked for a lot it's definitely more than her sister but she really only gets presents from me

DS is 11, has asked for a few expensive tech items but will also get presents from his dad & stepmum & their families

I said DD1 was only getting perfume & pjs (around £150) this year as she's an adult but when I looked at the piles the "there's not enough" panic set in & she now has around an extra £100!

In principle I completely agree with you that adults do not need to get the same as actual children but obviously putting it into practice isn't as easy as that!

The meals out thing definitely put a stop to that - DD1 mostly pays for herself & I certainly wouldn't be paying for her partner (he earns more than I do!)

Yes, @Nearlyadoctor. Two have live in partners so we buy for them and the other one is single. We usually spend around £25-£30 on partners so brings the total higher too.

We have spent out on them for years including the usual driving lessons, university support, as we will for our own DC although DH and I have always been happy to pool our resources, I would now like some wiggle room to treat ourselves from time to time too. We are comfortable paying the bills, but we have to be careful.

Grown up children get less. The younger get the same in relative terms that the older ones got growing up.

I'm 30, my aunts, mum and grand parents still spend on me at Xmas what they did when I was a child. I really really wish they would stop! It's embarrassing that I can't afford to return the favour. I have two young children and they spoil them too, I wish they would buy for children only.

Speak to them about it, explore now they are grown up you're thinking about cutting back. They should understand.

Do they spoil you and dh with gifts at christmas?

No, we have told them not to buy us at Christmas because they buy for the DC and we want them to save their money.

They do get DH for his birthday but not me (only one remembers my birthday, but I don't blame them because they were already young adults at uni when I met them, the youngest used to live full time with us and never forgets).

I keep all my children equal even though there's big age gaps, my mam did the same with us too

On the flip side my mam (who also had big age gaps) still remembers the inequality she had growing up and it lead to massive resentments and loss of contact - granted my mam is a drama queen but I do still see her point as well and could never treat my own kid differently on stuff like this.

I've got a much younger sister, we have different dads. I'd find it really bizarre if she spent the same for me and my sister! I've never even given it a second thought.

If he really thinks his independent, money earning adult DC would tantrum/huff/feel hard done because you spend more on the actual children at Christmas, I think I’d be telling him to reflect on his own shit parenting because something clearly went wrong