Ideas for presents for 15yo trans DD

[cricketmum84]

Bear with me Cos this is a difficult one!

Our 15yo has recently come out as trans (Male to female). And I am completely stuck on what to get her for Christmas.

She has started to take an interest in things like makeup, she likes certain body shop products and hoodies but only sort of statement ones that send out a message of some type. Her younger sister has already asked if she can buy her some bits of makeup so that's covered.

She is still very sensitive about the whole thing and I'm not sure if buying "girly" things would cause upset but I know that buying "boy" things (lynx, anything that says boy/man) would cause even more upset!

I've asked what she would like and she shrugs and says I don't know.

I know it's a long shot but does anyone have any ideas of something really lovely I could get her that won't offend or be awkward?? I just feel at a loss!

Because you are so nervous about what to get her.

Kindle sounds good.

How much do you usually spend?

I think a kindle with a nice cover is a good idea and unisex perfume.

Is she into meditation or mindfulness? There's lots of trinkets and tbh tat in that genre. Have a look on not on the high st.

Does she have pierced ears,DDS having hers done for Christmas and plain sleepers as a pressie.What earrings she has after that is up to her.

@Thehagonthehill we are booked in to have her ears pierced next weekend so they should be healed enough for Christmas earrings. Great idea!

That sounds tough, OP, for you and the rest of the family as well as her.

If something as innocent as a well-intentioned gift could potentially result in an extreme response, she should be helping you to understand what it is you as a family can do to support her. You can’t be trying to second-guess her and then dreading her response on Christmas Day. I would be saying, “Please give me a list because this is all new for me - I don't want to inadvertently upset you with the wrong gift.”

Just be honest with her, otherwise this is going to be a longer and more difficult journey for your family than it needs to be.

And I hate to be a spoilsport but do check with the school about ear-piercing. Most schools ask that you have it done at the beginning of the summer holidays so you don’t miss PE lessons during the six-week healing time.

Just be honest with her, ask her to give you some ideas. Take her with you to find a perfume, if she’s getting into makeup ask if she’d maybe like to get a makeup lesson, get her makeup done. Just some ideas ☺️

Your child either gives you a list of ideas or they get vouchers.

I'm assuming she is seeing someone about her low mental health which is causing her to run away/have extreme reactions to small things?

I do my dd and ds a pamper hamper snuggle socks, bath bombs, bubble bath, last year a colour change bath light. Year before shower speaker, face masks. You could do chocolate scents of fruity put it in a bit basket make it look nice.

Ooh the pamper hamper sounds good!

Yes she is seeing someone about mental health. She refused to engage with CAMHS so we have gone down the SS early help route and have a lovely key worker who is referring her to a gender identity counsellor.

That's good. I hope she finds some peace of mind soon.

If it's still early days with her coming out as transgender, I would be completely upfront and tell her now that you're steering clear of getting her "gendered" gifts at Christmas unless she tells you she wants something specifically. You could instead get vouchers for somewhere like New Look or River Island (where she has an option to buy online as may be nervous about trying stuff on in shops) and offer to help her choose or give her your opinion on items if she wants it. Completely tiptoeing around it without telling her beforehand that you're not getting gendered stuff may make her feel paranoid and there will be tension on xmas day during gift opening. Let her know on advance this giving her the choice to make specific requests in advance.

kindle is a good idea, what about an 'experience' gift?

She is very fortunate - I work with vulnerable families and you wouldn’t believe how high the thresholds are for Early Help, never mind having a key worker and access to a specific counselling service. That would just not happen round in my area - I do hope she engages with them.

@FamilyOfAliens oh god so do I. She won't engage with the private counsellor I arranged or the GP so I just hope this time is different.

Good luck, OP. You sound very caring and compassionate. I hope it works out for all of you.

ACM do short courses in various music things...using pedals etc...they have colleges in Guildford, Birmingham and London I think. This list is out of date but you could contact them
www.acm.ac.uk/half-term-school/
Or perhaps a guitar pedal or two (which one depending on preferred style)

Hi OP
What about a jewellery box, if she is having her ears pierced.
Maybe a purse, with some gift vouchers in.

Hope she feels better within herself soon.

My dd is the same age, she not trans but identifies as pan. She likes quirky jumpers and t shirts with funny logo’s on them, she’s pretty gender neutral with clothes. I took her shopping today and she chose a couple things (jumpers), she also chose a onesie so that could be an option? There are several LGBT make up sets being advertised (rainbow pallets) or would that upset her? ,my daughter pretty open about everything and likes wearing rainbows, I have just bought her a denim jacket and she collecting iron on patches (mostly LGBT patches).

If she is musically talented and into guitar, I'd try and go along those lines, see if she is interested in any other instruments?

And do you know about the link between ASD and trans teenagers? With the sensitivity and anxiety and refusing to engage with CAHMS etc there are a lot of red flags for autism I would urge you to investigate before the trans route.

As your daughter is trans she will know herself to be psychologically female so just treat her to anything girly. She knows herself to be female so dont consider anything duel sex. What she will want, in my view, is something which is definitely female orientated and shows her that her true self is being respected.

What if she's not a stereotypically girly girl?

As your daughter is trans she will know herself to be psychologically female so just treat her to anything girly. She knows herself to be female so dont consider anything duel sex. What she will want, in my view, is something which is definitely female orientated and shows her that her true self is being respected

I’m “psychologically female”.

I generally dislike anything girly and the last thing I want for gifts is something “female orientated”. I have a wide variety of interests, the main ones being tech and sport.

My mother does tend to buy me pretty clothes, make up, nail vouchers etc. I don’t think it’s “respecting my true self”, it’s expecting me to look and behave a certain way, solely based on my genitalia.

What she will want, in my view, is something that reflects her personality and interests, and show you know her as a person, not as a gender stereotype.

@user1374384 we are waiting on an ASD diagnosis. Should be resolved by Xmas although our local authority has just written to us explaining they have totally changed the diagnosis pathway. Just waiting on further influx

A new purse (rather than wallet!) and pop some gift cards in there? Lush, wherever she likes to shop for clothes, boots (the make up counter ladies were amazing with helping my MTF trans friend with make up).

There's going to be a lot of experimenting going on whilst she finds her feet and what works for her (clothing styles, hair, make up etc) so having a bit of cash or vouchers to work this out will probably be gratefully received?