Heading for a lonely Christmas with DH's family

[nibdedibble]

So before I start I want to say that they are not unreasonable, they aren't toxic, they are just quite far up themselves in a lot of ways.

We've been invited as part of DH's small family for Christmas at the in-laws' again. DH loves it, because he's quite a socially unaware person (bless him) and it's his family, so it all goes quite well for him.

I haven't got much in common with any of them, apart from a couple of decades of being in the family. MIL has a big ego and want to talk about herself but emphatically nothing difficult and it's all been a bit difficult this year with my job and the kids' school and my family and the world in general, so I know not to bring any of that up (even though it's kind of all-consuming).

BIL is in media, bit shallow, and I have tried, believe me I've tried for 20 years but he has the personality of a stick. SIL is lovely and I like her a lot but nobody in that family can hold a conversation for longer than two minutes so I've never got to know her properly. I strongly suspect I am just DH's wife and they do the polite thing but we will never be close (which is fine, we are different).

The men all do the cooking and in past years I've tried to get involved in that side but, you know, they're all fine. There isn't a place for me. They are nice about it but they want to hang out together and talk food and politics. I can be on the periphery. I've tried showing my love with food, which is what they do - nobody's that bothered. It's ok if I make stuff but it tends to go into the fridge/in a cupboard and get forgotten.

The kids don't need me, they need wifi and a quiet place to look at their phones.

I knew this was coming, and in the summer broached the idea of going away for Christmas but it didn't go anywhere. It would just be rude to bring a book, which honestly would be my preference WWYD?

Could you find a way to get to know your SIL a bit more? If the others have their "job" for the day, is there anything the two of you could do together? Drag her and the DCs out for a winter walk?

Are you sure it would be rude to bring a book? If they do their own thing and are fine with it, and are socially unaware, maybe they’d be ok with you reading? (I’d pop on a Christmas hat, make it a cheerful book so I’m smiling, take something as a bookmark so I’m fine with interruptions, and make sure to occasionally brightly offer to make a round of tea)

And does your DH know how you feel? If you are supporting him to visit his family then surely he should make an effort to make you included.

Our niece won't really let SIL have a conversation tbh, and neither will MIL - she tends to breeze in, interrupt everyone, get the attention on her, then waft out again. (She is annoying.) DN is little and particularly attached to SIL, but at least her neediness is age-appropriate

DH knows my feelings, but he isn't really equipped to help me here. We all get on ok, he will default to the cooking unless I specifically ask him to pay attention to me - which I don't want to do. I do ask him to intervene if I'm alone with MIL for too long because she does my nut.

I'd love to do the book thing It would be odd in their family though.

Jigsaws and drinking?

I love the idea of jigsaws and drinking

So sometimes you need to write it down to work it out...

It's MIL I am least keen to be with/near. I just had a minor adrenaline rush at the idea of her interrupting all the time and banging on about herself theatrically. Two nights/three days is too long in her company uninterrupted.

I think I'm going to get a mild virus and nap upstairs a lot (with a book and maybe a stash of chocolate).

Options:
Get a book and find somewhere quiet to have a read.
Sit in the corner and get sloshed
If its only for the day, arrive say hello, go for a walk to stretch your legs, back for lunch, go for a walk after lunch, go home.
Let DH go, you stay at home watch what you want, eat what you want, drink what you want.

Drink, op, drink.

Drink is a foregone conclusion, sadly for me, who is trying to cut down. (It's Christmas though.)

It's just struck me that everyone else rattles around 'doing jobs' and perhaps this is their way of dealing with MIL.

I'm going to go over it again with DH the effect she has on me and how I can't just get on with stuff if all the stuff is being done and I would far, far rather be put to work than left to fend for myself with MIL.

He may finally get it...you never know. He finds it really hard to imagine himself in anyone else's shoes.

You could make elaborate, time-consuming and unnecessary chocolate truffles as your ‘job’ then take them away with you at the end

Two nights/three days In that case I would take 2 or 3 books that you can hide away with!

How about some seasonal cross-stich or something. Will keep you busy and you can keep it or give it away at the end

You say 'again' OP. Do you have family you could visit. Do you take turns to spend Christmas with your relatives?

I would take an activity to do there. Either as pp have suggested, a jigsaw, which you could take in one of those roll up things so that you don't have to take over a table, or maybe start a new hobby like crochet, cross-stitch or macrame. It seems to be more socially acceptable to do a craft while sitting chit-chatting to other people than it is to read a book. Probably because it's easier to look up and focus occasionally on your companion(s).

Just a thought, do you know the difference between active and passive listening? Sometimes people who rattle on do it from habit, but usually because they don’t feel heard. Maybe give her an hour (don’t wince) of really committed active listening, look up the technique. Really face her, sit with her, open posture, and hear what she says. It might just meet her needs. Once you’re done, after a set time, go and do something else - post a letter, whatever. Thank her for the update, bring it to a close.
It might work, I’m not promising.

What about decorating a gingerbread house or a village (if one isn’t enough) with the SIL. Your DN can watch or even help if she is capable.

Can you do shopping runs that take you out of the house for a while?

Get a dog and walk it a LOT

or

Enter a new year running event and go out running a lot. Just wear trainers and jog to the pub if you like, they’ll never know

Flashbacks to when I did make chocolate truffles and they sat at the back of the fridge till February. They're just not a sweet-toothed family. It's painful to me

They would NOT like a dog because dogs are too needy for them. Cousin's family have a perfectly lovely dog and if they ever bring it round then people are still talking about it six months later.

I think it would be odd if I sat and did craft while people cooked.

Herocomplex I understand what you're saying, and actually I do always end up having about 30-40 minutes of attentive listening when I visit her and it does go well. Thank you for reminding me. It relies on there being no distractions for bird-brained MIL though, and not too much booze. Hmm.

They are perfectly cheerful but there is some joy missing, isn't there? You can do X but definitely not Y. You can have mini sausages if we say they're for the children but you definitely can't have chocolate truffles. I guess all families have their quirks.

Definitely going to take running shoes, headphones, an audiobook - and I like the gingerbread house idea a lot, thank you!

Do you have the sort of job which could mean there is an emergency at work and you have to write a report? Then hunker down with cheese and port and chocolate and mumsnet and a great book.

How about a couple books of crossword puzzles/sudukos. I think that is a perfectly acceptable thing to sit and do (more so than a book as you can dip in and out pretend to be listen and join in with the chit chat a bit.

If you try and get others involved helping solve the odd clue than you are not doing something anti-social iyswim. If they chose not to engage then it is them not engaging - you can just carry on doing your thing.

I agree with maybe trying to get the SIL and DN out for a walk. Even a short one will give you a sense of escape.

Sympathy OP. I’m facing a Christmas with in-laws with different issues that are, mild-in-the-greater-scheme-of-things but tedious. It was more manageable when my dc were small and needed me and I could hide out with them a bit, but they’ve gone past that stage now. Mildly dreading Christmas and my lot are strictly tee total as well

Is there a Christmassy ‘outing’ you could plan for Boxing Day nearby. Eg lots of National Trust places open Boxing Day and have things on for kids (not sure how old DN is?) see if a couple of them would come to that with you. If you’re walking round looking at things then it’s not such intense chat/listening. Gives you a change of scenery etc.

My in-laws are a bit like this but I have to do all the cooking. I think you are getting off lightly if you can take a book.

You sound quite hung up on what will be perceived as odd. Given that they’re not making much effort to include you, is there a reason you’re particularly bothered?

I think in your shoes I would (politely) embrace my oddness. Clearly announce that if there really is no space for you to pitch in and help then you’re going to get on with your book/puzzle/embroidery/Nordic wood carving/whatever takes your fancy.

Don’t be passively ‘odd’ and miserable as a result. Embrace it and make it work for you.