Blah! My mom and her bastard christmas lists

[JasminaPashmina]

I need a moan. Sorry.

Every year in August (!) my mom asks what me and DP need/want for Christmas. I tell her the same thing every year that we're financially solvent (this isn't a boast) so anything we want or need we just buy throughout the year.

I tell her that the surprise of Christmas presents is all part of the fun. I tell her that she should just go to a shop and spend however much she wants to on just random shit for me and DP. I tell her that a bagful of toiletries, random stationary, random food stuff, tonnes of chocolate will always go down well in our house and get used up. So, I tell her, do that. But then she says 'What if you don't like it?' I get that to some degree but I've told her the kind of stuff that will always get used up in our house. Plus, even if me/DP don't like it, it's just fun. His mom bought me an expensive perfume/body lotion set once that stunk of piss. It was fine, we laughed about it, I used it up and we moved on. My mom's financially solvent, it's not like she's putting her last pennies into these presents. Plus, I don't want expensive stuff, seriously, I'd be pretty happy with a £20 pound-shop raid.

But, nope. She wants a list of very very specific things. So, for example, last year I told her that DP likes rum so I said just go and buy a completely random bottle of rum even just from Tesco. We normally drink Appleton so anything that's not Appleton will be great. Nope, she wanted a very specific name from me. So I had to go onto Tesco website, find a random bottle and tell her that he very specifically wanted that one. Madness.

I just don't get it. Where's the fun in that? When she visits there's absolutely no surprise whatsoever in presents from her. Even then, as we're unwrapping she'll be saying 'Oh God, I hope its the right one. I hope it's okay. I can take it back if you need me to'.

It does my head in and it's getting more intense now as we hurtle on to Christmas. Fuck my life.

Would your mum prefer to give cash or vouchers?

Fair enough you like the element of surprise but she very clearly does not share that view! It makes her anxious, in fact.

So you need to offer something else that will a) satisfy the need for present-giving and b) not be a chore for you and c) not cause her anxiety.

Can’t you just whack up an Amazon wishlist of a variety of stuff and get your DP to do the same? Then she can choose from specific things, and you can get a surprise.

Amazon wish list sounds like the way to go...

I'm with you, it's nice to have suggestions eg Rum but the surprise is in the variety!

@NoSquirrels I think I overstated, it doesn't cause anxiety for her as such, she just doesn't want to do anything 'wrong' even though there is no 'wrong' answer.

She does like surprises though - she always says how much she loves that all her presents from us are a surprise. She just refuses to get that its true the other way round as well.

She won't give cash or vouchers because she likes us to have something to open.

I should've said, Amazon wish list isn't possible, she's not on the internet.

She's bloody impossible.

Well just write down a list of specific stuff, old school pen and paper!

I know you’d like a surprise, but I think you should just accept you won’t get one.

"Mum, I AM NOT making lists anymore. These lists are ruining Christmas for me and I'm not doing it again. Figure gifts out for yourself or feel free not to buy anything."

She's trying very hard to please you.
You can't even go online, pick out 3 things you might like, write down the name of them and the shop and ring her up or send it to her?
Really?
Probably take less time than posting on here and it would be the kind thing to do.

If you gave her a list of different things, then it would still be a surprise because you wouldn't know which one she was getting? Like "oh mum, this year I like the fingerless gloves by Powder, you can get them in Bert&Ernie's in the town centre, I like all of them but if you really want me to plump for one I like the ones with foxes on. I would also like Stranger Things on DVD or Lies Sleeping by Ben Aaronovitch, you can get them in a HMV or Waterstones, and I tell you what, I would really like a towelling robe, but I can't tell you what kind because I haven't been to the shops and looked at them." Then she can decide which one to get you and if the vagueness of the robe is too much she can go for the specificness of the book. Or won't she countenance a choice?
This may or may not be what I am telling my mum, by the way.

Just give her a few ideas and stop being so ungrateful.

I’m financially solvent, but I don’t want to waste my money on crap that will end up in landfill.

A £20 pound shop raid? Why?

Just tell her what you want.

Your title made me rofl! Reminds me so much of my dear late mum.. She passed away 3 years ago and would have been 80 this very day. She was a manic lister! I've inherited it too so poor DS and DH get severe punishment if they don't put things on the current list. They won't get it if they don't list it!

Just give her a list. She really wants to get it right for you.

Why don't you ask her for a voucher to a local restaurant that you & DH can enjoy together.

So much less hassle

Aww your poor mum.

Consider doing her the kindness of a specific list as part of your Christmas present to her. Because it relieves her of anxiety. She’s obviously not doing it deliberately.

Honestly every single person I buy for/buys for us asks ME what we ALL want. Very frustrating to have to mentally buy all Christmas gifts received. I totally get how you feel.

My mum buys herself stuff throughout the year (eg: a leather jacket in July) and says you and your brothers can get me this for Christmas 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️. My birthday is in December and she gave me my present in May because she saw a book I'd like. Weird behaviour. Your mums carry on would annoy me as much as mine does. Just get huffy and tell he not to bother with anything.

Yep, give her a list of 3 possibilities complete with links to the actual item and tell her to surprise you. That way it's a bit of a surprise, but she can be sure it is something you want.

Unless she then panics you might like one more than the other 2, and which one should she get because what if you don't like it as much as the other... and so on and so on

There are so many people who get random junk for Christmas that would love to have this problem.

I make sure to keep a few ideas available for family that ask for suggestions. I really think it’s just polite.

Your mum just wants to make you happy, that's what mum's do!! Be grateful you've got a mum alive and will also receive Xmas presents. Many of us haven't got either. Just give her a big list and ask her to pick a couple of items, that way you get a surprise.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I can't go online to choose things that can only be bought online because she's not on the internet, it has to be from a shop.

And my point is that I'd have to say 'Okay, I want a notebook that I've seen in paperchase. It's A4 with red willies all over it and a bit blue bow on the front'. Just saying 'A notebook from Paperchase' would not be enough. So then Xmas comes and I see an A4 shaped package but I know exactly what's in it. What's the point, I might as well have just bloody bought it from Paperchase myself as I walk past every single day.

@ImportantWater She'd end up bloody well buying them all for me! Even then if I told her to by me 'Stranger Things' on DVD (among other potential presents), she's never heard of it so she'd be like 'What's that? Can I get that from HMV? What's the exact name? What if there are multiple series? Do you want them all?' Just exhausting and no bloody fun.

@FunOnTheBeach20 That's the point, it won't end up in landfill. We'll always drink booze and eat food, I'll always use bath shit. I'm not being ungrateful, it just sucks any fun out of Xmas.

@Bluewavescrashing My point is that I don't have a list. There's nothing I want or need. Well, no, that's a lie. I want a surprise!

@purplepalace That's a brilliant idea but she lives a couple of hundred miles away so it's not possible. Otherwise, yes, this would solve our problem (though she'd still want to buy us stuff to unwrap).

@sunflofferes No, my mum doesn't want to make me happy. If she did, she'd do what I'd suggested and get me random stuff. She wants an easy life and not to get anything 'wrong'. As for your comment about being grateful having a mum who's alive, I'm sorry for your loss but surely the fact that others have lost their moms doesn't mean the rest of us can't moan about ours. If it's a top-trumps pity party, my dad was murdered when I was 14 so, yeah, I'm pretty luck

Just tell her exactly what you want then! It’s her way, she’s trying to be nice. My Mum is exactly the same and I can’t really get angry about it tbh. I’m grateful for her kindness.

You’re making way too much of a thing about wanting a surprise to open. I’m not sure if you’re trying to be lighthearted but you sound mean.

Write ten things you like on a piece of paper and ask her to choose a few things. Re the Paperchase notebook-I would ask for any notepad from Paperchase, then you’ve got something nice but still a bit of a surprise.

You need family Secret Santa.

That way she can’t ask, it doesn’t what it is and it’s genuinely funny,

Last year my dad chose an insulting gift, my mum a lovely present and my DH an over the top gift that was totally in keeping with his spend loads of dosh, try too hard approach and DSD a safe present. It’s more fun trying to work out who bought what.

@Rowrowboat Just tell her exactly what you want then! It’s her way, she’s trying to be nice. My Mum is exactly the same and I can’t really get angry about it tbh. I’m grateful for her kindness

But that's my point. Firstly, there is nothing that I want. Secondly, if there was something very exact that I wanted then I'd buy it myself. Why would I wait several months for something I could just buy myself. Plus, I have told her exactly what I want. Go to TKMaxx and spend a set amount on bath shit or go to Paperchase and spend a set amount on stationary. Anything. But, nope, it has to be exact descriptions. Last year, I told her I wanted socks. Socks. I said just normal, everyday, thin socks with some kind of pattern on. Easy right?! Nope, it was about 7 phone calls about these fucking socks. Where should she get them? What kind of patterns? How many did I need? What kind of colours? Sucked any ounce of joy out of it.

@fedup21 But I can't say 'Anything from Paperchase' because she won't take this. She wants exact information. Notebooks? Yes, a notebook would be great. Okay, what size? Any size. What colour? Any colour. Do you want it lined or plain? I don't mind. Do you want a pen to match? I don't mind. Okay, blue or black pen? AAAAHHHHH.

@Leflic There's only me, her and DP. It wouldn't work

For an easier, quiet life all around just pick a handful of things with exact details and tell her that's what you want, problem solved.

That way she won't have to make you feel hassled with constant questions and you can then donate the items to charity if you don't want them. You say yourself if you want anything you'll buy it yourself, so giving away what she does buy you won't be any loss to you but picking things for her to buy will make your life and hers simpler, so just do that even if you have to pick random things you don't really want.