Blah! My mom and her bastard christmas lists

[JasminaPashmina]

I need a moan. Sorry.

Every year in August (!) my mom asks what me and DP need/want for Christmas. I tell her the same thing every year that we're financially solvent (this isn't a boast) so anything we want or need we just buy throughout the year.

I tell her that the surprise of Christmas presents is all part of the fun. I tell her that she should just go to a shop and spend however much she wants to on just random shit for me and DP. I tell her that a bagful of toiletries, random stationary, random food stuff, tonnes of chocolate will always go down well in our house and get used up. So, I tell her, do that. But then she says 'What if you don't like it?' I get that to some degree but I've told her the kind of stuff that will always get used up in our house. Plus, even if me/DP don't like it, it's just fun. His mom bought me an expensive perfume/body lotion set once that stunk of piss. It was fine, we laughed about it, I used it up and we moved on. My mom's financially solvent, it's not like she's putting her last pennies into these presents. Plus, I don't want expensive stuff, seriously, I'd be pretty happy with a £20 pound-shop raid.

But, nope. She wants a list of very very specific things. So, for example, last year I told her that DP likes rum so I said just go and buy a completely random bottle of rum even just from Tesco. We normally drink Appleton so anything that's not Appleton will be great. Nope, she wanted a very specific name from me. So I had to go onto Tesco website, find a random bottle and tell her that he very specifically wanted that one. Madness.

I just don't get it. Where's the fun in that? When she visits there's absolutely no surprise whatsoever in presents from her. Even then, as we're unwrapping she'll be saying 'Oh God, I hope its the right one. I hope it's okay. I can take it back if you need me to'.

It does my head in and it's getting more intense now as we hurtle on to Christmas. Fuck my life.

But I can't say 'Anything from Paperchase' because she won't take this. She wants exact information. Notebooks? Yes, a notebook would be great. Okay, what size? Any size. What colour? Any colour. Do you want it lined or plain? I don't mind. Do you want a pen to match? I don't mind. Okay, blue or black pen? AAAAHHHHH.

I would refuse to talk about it after the list!

Firstly, there is nothing that I want. Secondly, if there was something very exact that I wanted then I'd buy it myself. Why would I wait several months for something I could just buy myself.

You must either buy a lot of stuff with unlimited disposable income or you have very very few desires!

I’m an adult and I can buy things but I can’t buy everything so I can always come up with random specific things I’d quite like to receive but aren’t high enough up on my priorities to buy them myself.

Just list some specific bath smellies (favourite bubble bath etc), some specific books, some specific socks from M&S or whatever. It can’t be as hard as you’re making it!

@JasminaPashmina.
Yes you can. You could:

1. Pick something out online,
2. write down on a bit of paper, the shop, the product description, (include the product code if they have one and price_
3. Then send it to her on paper, or read it out over the phone or whatever
4. so she can go to the shop, hand it to a shop assistant and get exactly the right thing.

Its only a question of picking 3 items.?

Seriously OP ’Fuck my life’ ?? I get that this is annoying, but people will always have conflicting ideas about how to ‘do Christmas’. Just give her the name of the perfume you use/magazine you read/booze you drink and be done with it. You’re the one sucking the joy out of Christmas by turning it into a massive thing.

You need to find a nice, small boutique where the assistants will help her. Tell her to set a budget and ask them to choose your presents.
Maybe she is just going into big shops and feeling overwhelmed by the choice and the loud shouty displays.
I understand your frustration, I dislike having to think of my own presents as well as everyone else’s.

MIL is exactly the same. It drives us potty and I have no solution, only solidarity to offer.

I'm not being ungrateful, it just sucks any fun out of Xmas

There's nothing I want or need. Well, no, that's a lie. I want a surprise!

Your mum will not get you the ‘surprise’ you want.

And you do sound a bit ungrateful, honestly.

You can make a list of really specific items.

Your DP can make a list of really specific items.

If you want chocolates, booze and bath shit list specifc brands - multiple specific brands - and tell her to ‘surprise’ you with one or two items off the list.

You only need to write it once and you can recycle it every year.

Your desire for a surprise is clouding your willingness to problem-solve the issue. You want your mum to do something she’s never going to do. So compromise.

I’ll swap you for my MIL, if you like, who consistently buys me clothes and accessories she likes but which are not my style at all. It’s always a surprise, though

Could you do a massive list whereby she couldn't buy everything on it, so there's a vague surprise. But only hand the list over when she gives you a list for her.

Ask her to buy you a turkey.

My mum used to do this. She also expected me to provide a list of what dh wanted, and then a list of what each of my children wanted. It had to be specific, with details of where to buy. But there also had to be several things on each list so she had a choice. And she refused to coordinate with MiL and SiL, who also wanted ideas (although they were happy with one idea each). And mum refused to tell me what she’d bought so, basically, I had to think up ideas for the children that they'd like, but wouldn’t mind if they didn’t get.

After a while I realised I was doing a LOT of work so that other people didn’t have to put any effort in. So I stopped. There was wailing but I ignored it.

Funny thing, none of them thought to ask DH to make lists.

Go onto the boots/next/m&s (somewhere she’ll go) website.. pick a specific set of something you like the smell of/use all the time for you and dp, write them down word for word and give her that.. chances are if it’s not in stock they’ll can order it in for her.

I have an aunt who does this so I set her onto the soap n glory bundle that always goes into a mega sale with boots.. there’s about 100 of them get delivered on a certain day so I know she’ll get it and they always change a few of the products so I still get a surprise along side the smellies that I like for during the year.

My mum is exactly the same. We seem to have reached a compromise where she gets me a shoe box or similar and fills it will odd random things. It’s fun to open and she loves choosing.

Things like some artisan coasters, mini bottle of wine, socks.

Previously she wanted to know exactly. I said hat, gloves scarf. Bright colours. She got old lady pink.

The random box is really good because she seems to get pleasure from buying all the little bits and carefully wrapping them.

Can your DH be in charge of your list, and you be in charge of his list? Then you still get a surprise each.
Unless you don’t really want ideas to solve the problem, and just want to complain about it, which I think is also legitimate.

After a while I realised I was doing a LOT of work so that other people didn’t have to put any effort in
YES, this is it! It feels as though she's putting no effort in at all You've articulated it perfectly thanks. I put in lots of effort for her presents. I always think of random things to surprise her with, I make her stuff, I buy her favourite perfume when she mentions (not asks for it) that she's running low.
It feels like a very specific list of stuff, shops to get it from etc. is basically saying the effort is physically going to the shops and buying stuff. I don't see that as 'effort' in terms of presents. Surely the effort is looking at stuff, thinking about it, thinking what the person would like etc.
The thing is I don't actually mind if I didn't get any presents. I'm really not that bothered. But, no, there has to be presents but they have to be very specific.

We seem to have reached a compromise where she gets me a shoe box or similar and fills it will odd random things. It’s fun to open and she loves choosing
Yes, see that's what I'd love! Just set a budget and buy random shit and shove it all in a box. It doesn't have to be expensive stuff, seriously I'd be really happy with a £20 box of pound shop shit.

@Thistly Nope, I'm a woman. Therefore, I must be in charge of everything

Buying for DP is a bloody nightmare because its his birthday in December so I have a list of ideas for him which I then have to share out between his birthday, his Christmas and his Christmas presents from my mom.
Fortunately she's not bonkers enough about birthdays and is willing to give vouchers!

People show love and ‘effort’ in different ways. Just accept your mum as she is, and you’ll be happier.

Tell your DP to write his own lists for your mum!

Jasmina,
You need to stand your ground. Don't let her spoil the fun of Christmas. Refuse to give any form of list. This year will be bad, but if you draw the line now, you will benefit from it in future years.

Alternatively, give her a specific list, and then show her how upset you are when you come to open the present and you already know what’s in it.
Or just look at it, say, ‘thanks for the ted willies notebook’ and don’t even unwrap it. When she says, ‘open it’ you can tell her, ‘what’s the point, I know what it is!’ She might say
‘But i want to know I got it right!’ so you can say:
‘You didn’t get it right. I asked for a surprise. This is not a surprise.’

I didn't mean my post to be a 'top trumps' of loss, I ment it to be a it's more than the gifts post. Just give her a list and then stop the stress with yourself, it's not worth it. There's so much stress for everyone around Christmas. Be happy in yourself and make happy memories in other ways. Enjoy the time not the consumerism. I'm sorry if I offended.

My husband is just like that. DD once said that her dad made her make a detailed list and I'd get stuff that wasn't on it.,like a sweatshirt with a Robin on it.