Sister in law will only spend Christmas with her family

[Pinkfuzzyduck33]

My sister in law and I are both in relationships with two brothers from the same family. They are engaged and we are in a long term relationship. Unfortunately we live several hours away from one another, they have been invited to spend Christmas with our partners family. Her partner would like to come but she refuses as her nephew will be experiencing Christmas for the first time with her family. They have not spent Christmas with our partners family in 6 years and instead have spent it with her family. This is one of many times my sister in law has refused to engage with the family and put hers before our partners. I know this is upsetting my partners parents and I find this really upsetting on behalf of my partners parents and my partner as it feels like a big 'get lost' from her. Particularly as my in laws have said they will pay for them to visit. Am I being unreasonable ? Should I say something ?

I would stay out of it. It's between them and your partner's parents.

Keep right out of it. You’re “just” a DIL yourself. They can say something if they want to.

It’s between her and her partner and him and his parents. MYOB

What would you say? And to whom?

I’m really confused as to why you want to get involved in this.

Surely if anyone was going to stick their beak in it should be your partner, to have a chat to his brother about it?

It's really nothing to do with you op.

One of my SILs has always spent Christmas with her side. Her family, her Christmas, her choice.

You can’t try and tell her off on your DP parents behalf. It’s nothing to do with you. Make your own decisions about your Christmas and leave her alone.

Just because you are happy to spend every Christmas with the in laws doesn't mean she should be 🤷🏽‍♀️

It’s none of your business.

How your boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend chooses to spend her Christmas isn’t up to you, or your boyfriend’s parents.

Sympathy OP but don't get involved is my advice. My DD spends every Xmas with her inlaws so I never see my DGSs simply because we're Jewish and 'even though inlaws don't go to church they make a big deal about Xmas' and so DD, DSiL and 2 DGS spend a week/10 days with them over the Xmas hols. Families eh?

Stay out of it. Focus on your fam.

It’s none of your business.

She’ll be aware of what her actions are saying and likely doesn’t care.

It’s also a possibility that this is not coming from her. My DH family is not close, there are some issues there (although we stay quiet to keep the peace) and they are rubbish at doing Xmas. My family is very welcoming, stress free and everyone can join in or disappear to another room to watch tv. Plenty going on and great food, wine etc... by contrast at DH family, you’re looked at expectantly after dinner - almost like a “ why are you still here” type of thing. Quite uncomfortable.

However it’s it family and I have suggested we alternate etc but DH chooses my side for Xmas day every time.

But I do pick a day in Xmas and host all his lot so we do see them. Just not on the day. I suspect they think I am the reason they don’t get Xmas day, but it couldn’t be further from the truth !

We almost always spend Christmas with my family. Both bils and their families live abroad. Mil lives abroad. So three different countries. Fil and his partner go away for Christmas.

My brother & his family have never spent Christmas with either side - they don't even visit & both sides live a 20min drive away.

I joke & call him an anti social bugger he is & not only at Christmas but at the end of the day that's how they want to spend their Christmas.

I spent the first Christmas I was married with my in-laws & then never went there again. The fact I don't like turkey & they wouldn't cook anything else was the first straw... offering me tea, coffee or water with dinner was the last!

My friend has never spent Christmas at her in-laws because she refuses to eat her Christmas dinner off her lap when she has a perfectly good dinning table at home but they do at times spend Christmas at her own parents.

There are lots of reasons why people choose not to spend Christmas with others - maybe your SIL's reason is that her nosey interfering SIL will be there

Oh my goodness stay out of it. Absolutely nothing to do with you how your partners brother and his fiancé spend Christmas.

Nothing to do with you. Your BIL is perfectly entitled to spend Christmas with his family, but, it’s their choice!

I have this too OP. My brother and SIL always spend Christmas with SIL's mum. They do see my parents, but only because my parents go and spend it with SIL's mum on alternate years. Maybe this would be a possibility for your partner's parents?

Not your business

Be careful about being the best daughter in law, you’ll make a rod for your own back.

Unless your job is the 'Christmas police', then no keep your beak out. Unless of course you want her to tell you to actually get lost (rather than you feeling it via an internalised rage).

It's an invitation, not a summons.

It's also really none of your business.

Unless your job is the 'Christmas police', then no keep your beak out

As much as I dislike “beak out” I do like the idea of Christmas police .

You won't win yourself any friends by interfering. Keep out of it; it's between the couple and nobody else.

Stop looking for a fight where there doesn’t need to be one. Mind your own business.

Just joining the chorus of "Noooooo! don't say anything!!" It's not your place to tell your SIL how she should be spending Christmas and there is absolutely zero chance it will achieve anything other than to cause upset and awkwardness.

I would be very interested to hear her version of this. If she's avoided Christmas with her DP's family for 6 years there is bound to be a reason.

I would have a friendly chat and simply ask her why, without sounding judgmental.
Perhaps she has good reasons, perhaps she just can't accept the fact that her inlaws do Christmas differently to her own family. In any case, I wouldn't try and persuade her to spend Christmas with her inlaws, but I would talk to her about it. No harm in that.

I'd echo what others have said. Stay out of it.

What I will say is my sister's similar she always spends xmas with our side of the family and never her soon to be husbands and it is a sore point with his family, even my mum and others on our side say she's being selfish and itll end up i an argument one day. So, people will talk. But in the end it's between the couple to learn to compromise or do what they want, it may be they're fine doing xmas this way every year or it may be one of the things that leads to arguments or resentment.