How to stop giving presents

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

How do you stop giving presents?

I have given presents to a friend’s children for years and years. I don’t have children myself. I receive nothing back from friend, ever, not even a cheap bottle of wine or a box of chocs. I want to just stop, how do I do that diplomatically.

Can I say something like - the children are now over 10, so I’m going to stop Xmas gifts. I appreciate you don’t give to receive but I have given for over ten years.

I would just say something along those lines- “just a wee heads up- I’m trying to cut down this year so I won’t be buying wee gifts for Johnny and jemima.”

I would tell your friend that you've decided to stop xmas presents for friends & only doing family gifts. Do you buy for these children at birthdays?

Give a selection box or similar this year

Do you need to announce you’re not buying? How often do you see this friend / her children?

You’re certainly not ‘obliged’. This reminds me when I was asked to be godmother for a child and then the mother (a friend but not especially close one) threw a right strop when I only sent cards for her (and her siblings - Not god kids) birthday. Presents at Christmas. I didn’t agree to be a god parent to be a source of consumer goods!!!

Yes I also buy birthday presents.

Yeah I mean i someways I don’t need to give a heads up as it’s not like I’m getting anything back.

As it's not a reciprocal thing I wouldn't feel obliged to say anything tbh but if you feel awkward then go with Isadoras suggestion.

TBH (and I know some will disagree) I don't necessarily think she should reciprocate. I've had a couple of friends with no dc who have bought for mine over the years, despite me saying there was really no need and my dc already got plenty. I really would have preferred they didn't but it was something they started and carried on, I presume because they want to. That's not to say you should continue though!

It can be a bit awkward actually when people decide to give gifts to your dc when you've not done gifts between the adults previously. You either have to then include them in your gift list (something I've been trying to reduce over the years) OR you risk somebody feeling a bit unappreciated as you do.

See I do have some friends who have children who I gift to and they do give back (something small).

However I do take your point and tbh have been happy enough to gift anyway, but I am now slightly done. It’s the lack of effort at other times as much as the not getting anything in return.

Maybe all this time I have been irritating her by buying gifts for her children unsolicited 😁

Just get them something really tiny just like a token gift... as others have said, literally like a selection box or something or a little decoration or something similar for a couple of pounds each off Etsy

I don’t want to get them a token gift, I don’t get a token gift back.

Or alternatively if you really don't want to buy anything then just don't😂 she's probably pretty unlikely to actually say something about it!

Or maybe a charity gift (world vision or something... goat, mosquito net, school supplies)

Oh I wouldn't say I'm irritated by it but it just can feel a little but awkward. I certainly make the effort with my friends in other ways but if you feel like the relationship is a bit "all take, no give" generally then I can certainly understand why the gift thing feels indicative of a bigger issue.

Just don't do it this year. She can hardly pull you up on it without looking like an entitled arse!

Well if the issue really is about them not giving back and you want to have something in return then your only option really is just to not give anything! I'm sure your friend won't bring it up

Send a blanket text/ WhatsApp or email out and say something like:

In the spirit of helping the planet and a cause dear to my heart, I have decided to give a donation to (charity/ good cause of your choice) this year instead of buying gifts for loved ones.

I’m probably touchy too, she is v in your face about how she’s part of a “family”. I’m not considered to be part of a family as don’t have DC. So no gift for me but she spends on our other mutual friends who have children. I feel like just making a point tbh (struggling to conceive atm).

Charity idea is a good one.

@C305 - it’s not about the “getting” per se, but even a token gift is an effort she doesn’t make. It’s about the effort/thought. And generally feeling dismissed because I don’t have DC.

Just stop. Don't explain or you'll sound petty and mean. If they ask then they are rude.

We should give presents for the pleasure of giving, with no expectation of anything in return. It’s meant to be altruistic.
If you don’t want to give then simply don’t give. No explanations necessary. They won’t ask.

There’s always one @CherryPalova.

Have you read my whole thread? I have given both Xmas and birthdays for ten years, don’t think I’m the one who is not altruistic/generous.

It can be a bit awkward actually when people decide to give gifts to your dc when you've not done gifts between the adults previously. You either have to then include them in your gift list (something I've been trying to reduce over the years) OR you risk somebody feeling a bit unappreciated as you do

This is a hard one - 80% of my friends definitely say that you don't have to buy for their kids, but would be pretty upset really if you didn't. I suspect they don't want to make it look compulsory; and that they don't want to get asked over and over again for gift ideas! Especially as I have no children yet and some have four.

I don't buy to get something back but I don't think I could let someone buy a gift for part of my family and not get them anything back, I'd feel really mean! It probably wouldn't be anything huge (I'm always trying to reduce my list too) but I don't think I could do nothing... that may be the people pleaser in me

Sorry to hear about your ttc issues OP. Just tell her you have decided to only do birthday presents. I have a friend who now has small children & my child is alot older. She always bought for him but I always bought for her as it was the right thing to do & she's a great friend. If your friend pulls you up on it,she's no friend. Also kids get so much at xmas.

Am in the same boat tbh 🙄
It's very difficult to drop to them l find 🤗

Just stop. If she asks say ' I've decided to only give presents to family from now on' and its environmentally sensible.

@BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay and there’s always one that doesn’t understand that generosity and altruism is about attitude not the gift. You can give a tiny, homemade gift with generosity and love. You can give a really expensive thoughtless gift without any notion of love towards the recipient. I know which I prefer.

If you don’t want to give, that’s fine. Absolutely fine. What’s odd is the expectation of a reciprocal gift.

I don't buy to get something back but I don't think I could let someone buy a gift for part of my family and not get them anything back, I'd feel really mean!

Anchor that's kind of the problem! Because somebody else has chosen to give to my dc I either have to buy for them or feel mean and wonder if they think badly of me. It's about feeling you now have to reciprocate (even if you're short on money or time or ideas) and the whole thing becomes about expectation and obligation.

Every year there are dozens of threads from posters who have been buying for so many people for years and really want to stop but other family and friends don't want to. Those posters then feel they have to carry on because, like you, they don't feel they can receive and not give. It potentially turns 'thoughtful and generous' into 'obligation and bad feeling'