AIBU to not buy MIL's gifts ?

[Whoopstheregomyinsides]

Message today from MIL saying "please buy and send to me the gifts for whoops sons" my DSs. As it's easier for her. Also she's decided she's not buying us gifts this year and giving money as easier and they want vouchers. Adult gifts I can't get excited about - but I do think exchanging vouchers for the same value to each other is insane and you may as well not bother. The kids, I get she can't be bothered trying to think of stuff but I usually give ideas and links. She is in good health, proficient eBay user and online shopper, having recently tested three supermarkets using introductory offers and drives to shops 2/3 times a week. She can't be bothered. I get it. But why should I when I'm working full time and am also expected to cook her Christmas dinner. Every single year. Would it be bad to say no - I'm too busy and ask for her to just get them a voucher. Kids are 12 and 7 so they'll miss out on opening gifts but equally why should I have to do double shopping? Gah. I used to love Christmas...still love shopping for my children and friends and love the bargain threads though!! What to do? I want to go out for lunch too but can't broach that yet!

What I think you should do - though I'm not sure I could bring myself to - is just don't engage with the bit about buying and sending.

Reply quickly & briefly, as if she'd just asked what they wanted. Send a few links as normal and finish with "or xxx vouchers if that's easier".

She might respond by sending gifts unwrapped to your house and expecting you to wrap them.

And isn't it your DH's turn to cook this year?!

Why not send back a message saying “let’s have a chat about Christmas arrangements when I see you next?”
Best to do these things in person rather than by text.

If she’s a bit jaded by Christmas herself she might be sympathetic to you wanting to go out for it.

In person, saying “is there any point to us exchanging vouchers of equal amounts, maybe it’s time to drop the adult gifts altogether?” in a pleasant tone while bonding about Christmas exhaustion is completely different to trying to do this by text.

Is she trying to give you control over the dc gifts? My dm also helpfully delegates the shopping in the genuine belief that we’d all prefer to pick our own gifts. It does my head in, but maybe I should do the same back to her as she’d possibly prefer that? Honestly I’d love Christmas if it wasn’t for most of my relatives

I'd take the kids to buy them, 'grandma asked me to buy your gifts off her,what would you like'.

If she doesn't find out, kids are happy and know you basically get presents each year. If she does find out she won't ask you again.

Our family live all over the country so each family make an Amazon gift list for their DC so we can order something they will actually like, but we can pay for it ourselves (and if we know we are not going to see them we can get it gift wrapped and delivered.) Could this be an option?

I think this is a fab idea! I'd either tell her no, you won't have time or do as above and take your boys out to pick their own gifts. May give you a better idea what to get them too 😊

My dh would handle this in our house. ‘Your mum wants us to buy the kids gifts, can you sort out please?’ Hi mil dh is onto it x

What does yours do?

I buy the family gifts from my mum but she’s 84 and riddled with cancer and can’t get to the shops. Your MIL is just displaying how little effort she plans to put into things while allowing you to put it all straight for her. If she expects hospitality, she can jolly well come to the party and pitch in.

I don't understand why it's an issue. Can't you just buy it when you're getting their presents from you? At least then you'll know they're not just getting tat.

I agree with the money/vouchers thing though. It's always awkward knowing how much to put on a gift card or whatever without looking stingy or going OTT.

I also think she should be doing the washing up if you're cooking Christmas dinner!

Honestly I’d love Christmas if it wasn’t for most of my relatives 

He hee, me too

I'm proposing to send this :
Dear MIL

Please just get the boys a voucher each for x as that would be easier for me. Firchristmas lunch we will eat later and I will be buying more prepared stuff in a pared back version of what we usually have to get a bit more time back for the family in the morning.
Love Whoops

Sound ok?

It's an issue for me to do because she wants it all buying and sending to her then she'll pay me after. She'll be enrolling asking what I'm buying and it's two lots of shopping when I know she's totally capable and just choosing not to do it

And your dh does what exactly?

She's being lazy. Personally I'd be blunt and say that 'I'm sorry but I've got too much on already with hosting and making Christmas dinner and all my own shopping to do. I'm happy to send you a list of things they would like as usual but if you can't be bothered please just get them x vouchers to spend in the sales' I also don't think you should be apologetic about the Christmas dinner, frankly when you're hosting it's up to you and if she dares to criticise she shouldn't be invited again.

DH doesn't do anything for Christmas or birthdays- other than for me and the boys. To be fair he'll pick up bits for boys but he's pretty crap. This is something I rage about but usually don't mind doing - I do however mind doing his family shopping when his family decide not to do anything for us other than come and get fed (whilst giving me helpful tips such as calculating how long I need to cook turkey for, asking for it to be thinly sliced, carrots not to be al dente, advising what they will and won't eat "if starter is prawns we won't be eating it" and the old favourite "FIL doesn't think 3pm is a proper meal time and wants to eat at 4 or 1"
I'm not trying to drop fees here but they're hard work

I've changed my mind following your update tell them to fuck off!

I've changed my mind too. Fuck them all. Go out for Xmas lunch. They can sort themselves out.

Too many typos there. Drip feed I meant of course. And forgot about the fact she hasn't ever cooked Christmas dinner according to DH and is very much "you're good helping whoops" if he does anything at all. She thinks it is all wife work

Reply and say "well actually I've been busy with work so was hoping you'd do all the shopping and I could give you the money. Oh and I thought it'd be nice for us to come to you on Xmas for a change. We'll see you at 2pm"

I think that email sounds ok, a little PA because it's so early in the year to be choosing the carrots but it does get your point across without being overtly rude.

However I do think timeisnotaline had the best idea - pass her request straight on to DH (mention it to him first) and just reply to that effect. He can decide whether to bat it back to her or do it. It may not be something he'd normally get involved in but something clearly needs to change.

She sold her table and chairs to avoid ever catering
Also SIL Hosted them once and she got drunk and it all went wrong (too outing to say why) and then said she’s never doing it again so she doesn’t and her, BIL and DN go to his parents and don’t do anything at theirs. Like mother like daughter ...

How about something like this:

"Hi MIL! Please just get the boys a voucher each for x as that would be easier for both of us. I'm trying to cut down on all the jobs this year so we can enjoy more family time. We're going to be eating later on the day too - make more of the morning together. Looking forward to it! xx"

Send her Amazon links to things they'd like.

The ridiculous thing she's asking, is that you send the things to her. She can order online and get things straight to her door, ffs.

Well phrased @SandAndSea
I wasn't going to ask her about carrots! I know it's eRly but I like to start early and get organised so I guess I brought on the conversation..

Yeah I know... it just comes over a bit petty to say that you will be buying more prepared stuff, especially as early as Sept! Sandandsea's build is good.