Anyone feeling a bit inadequate?

[TwistedChristmas]

(Waxing lyrical tonight, sorry and each to their own before anyone jumps on me. This is just my musings).

After reading about how much people spend on Christmas presents for their DC?

I know some people can afford it and it's their choice etc but is it really a good thing or a good message to give to children?

People, and children in particular, especially teens, seem to be getting more grabby as years go by. Eyeshadow for a young teen costing the same as a weeks groceries? New games console every couple of years? Latest gadgets and mountains of expensive plastic tat?

Society has changed with less family time and I wonder if masses of presents/expensive presents go some way to try and make up for that. Or is it pressure to ensure your child fits in by having the latest thing? I certainly used to try the "but EVERYBODY has got one/is getting one and I'll be the ONLY person without one" line but my parents thankfully didn't tolerate such nonsense.

My parents didn't have much money when I was growing up but I always had wonderful Christmases and loved my presents. Back then it was one main present off my list and a surprise from Father Christmas. I had other family who bought for me too and I still remember lots of the presents I received and loved. Still have some of them and I'm
42 now! A favourite being a book of Christmas stories.

Are we trying to fill some kind of emptiness with material possessions? Do children know the price of everything but the value of nothing? Are we buying things to make up for lack of family time and assuage modern life guilt? Do we really need all these material things to be happy? Have we conflated money spent with love?

Then there's the environmental impact of all the plastic tat that is played with for 5 minutes then forgotten about only to make its way to landfill eventually, the masses of wrapping paper and tape, the packaging that can't be recycled etc.

And the extra food with all the packaging and wastage as lots of people seem to end up throwing food away. I remember meat and cheese being binned as a child as the amount needed was misjudged.

I love Christmas although I find it a difficult time of year for many reasons but it's the family traditions, time together, and magical anticipation that makes it special for us along with all the memories of Christmases long gone. I'm on benefits so don't have lots of money to spend on presents but even if I was working I wouldn't spend any more on presents because it's simply not necessary. I'd do more in terms of outings by train/weekends away to do Christmassy things instead. I'm lucky that my 3 DC don't expect expensive things or lots of things and appreciate everything they do get as it's chosen with care and purpose rather than buying for buyings sake.

Has it all got a bit much? Can society ever go back to more simplified Christmases with the focus on togetherness rather than consumerism?

I think it’s not a ‘one size fits all’ argument. You can’t put the emphasis on ‘togetherness and family time’ if you have none!

I’m an only child. My mum and dad were both only children. Dp is an only child. We don’t have extended family - my dc don’t have any aunts and uncles and cousins to share Christmas with. Our friends have their owns families who they travel to visit.
Christmas is a lonely time for some and I think putting the emphasis on people rather than the special food, gifts and outings, in my case at least, would leave my dc with nothing.

I don’t go overboard with presents but I spend a lot. I have no one else to buy for and they have no one else to buy for them. The plastic tat and consumerism as you put it is what makes the day different and special for us.

Totally agree OP.
There seems to be a total absence of restraint with some present buying. Like spending £500 upwards on a child under 10. Setting the bar rather high......if life goes tits up how will that kid manage later in life?
What on earth do you buy them at 18+?
I wonder if it's an attempt to justify long hours at work, maybe to smother the guilt.

You are being a bit disingenuous I think, as your thread title is about feeling ‘inadequate’ but clearly from your post you don’t feel that way at all, you think your way is the right way and others are doing it wrong... even if I was working I wouldn't spend any more on presents because it's simply not necessary.
Yeah sometimes I’m surprised by the figures bandied around on here in terms of Christmas spend... we could afford to spend more but actively choose not to. That’s not to say that I think people who do spend more are raising a generation of entitled brats though, it isn’t necessarily ‘things’ that make someone spoiled.

I think you should stop watching and worrying what everyone else is doing/spending and mind your own business. If someone wants to spend £500+ on this child then it’s up to them.
You do know that children can still be brought up to be grateful and decent and polite even when you spend money on them? You do what works for you and let them do what works for them.
All these judgy posts really suck the joy.

We've had a strict budget of £100 per child for all their gifts, and stuck to it. I think people go into some serious debt over Christmas and is just unnecessary.

My DC are young though (3 and 5), so easier to buy cheaper things for and keep them happy. I can imagine it being extremely difficult and expensive with older DC asking for the latest phone or gaming console.

God you sound like my friend. She’s getting her kids pants, wellies and a satsuma.

I’m a foster carer and so have seen a lot of children through Christmas into adulthood. I can see any evidence that spoiling or the other extreme which most of my children have experienced sets them up for difficulties in adulthood, I think it’s down to personality and overall life experiences. In general my foster children are much more brand focused and materialistic, because they lack self confidence and tgese things have become fantasies that they maybe thought would fix their lives. My birth children are not materialistic at all, even though I’ve always been generous ( because I’ve wanted my foster children to have nice things). My son is having my old iPhone ( with a new battery) for instance.

I definitely agree that Christmas memories are not about the expensive gifts, but often more about small surprises or activities, but the big presents are also part of their memories - being able to join in playing fortnite with their friends or posting make up pictures is part of belonging too.

I really think people should worry less about what others do and not judge - if you can’t afford or don’t want to spend too much, be happy with your choice and leave others to theirs. Parenting is about the job we do of living our children all year round.

I was always aware that spending too much would set a precedent for future years. We've spent about £200 each on DDs, one main present and then things like slippers, PJs and several smaller gifts so that they have a number of things to open, as we also don't have a massive family buying them lots of presents.

Well clearly you don't feel inadequate, more like superior to those who choose to spend more on their DC Christmas presents than you choose to do.

Some parts of your posts such as the mountains of plastic unnecessary tat I agree with, but in regards to how much people spend equating to spoilt entitled children?

Bollocks.

It's how we raise them and the lessons we teach them that impacts that.

GandalfsRing that's a good point but surely those with no family wouldn't be spending much anyway as no one to buy for? We are a family of 5: me, my three children, and my mum. I'm NC with the rest of my siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles. Grandparents all passed away many years ago, and my dad died 6 years ago. My siblings do send money or presents for the children though. My son doesn't see anyone from his dad's side and has only ever met him once (his dad didn't want him) so I'm conscious of the fact there's not many people to buy for him. That's why the togetherness is so important to us-because we are so tight knit the 5 of us. I watch the Christmas movies with the huge families or amounts of visitors and wonder what it must be like to have a very full and busy Christmas (hell on earth if some threads are anything to go by ).
I'm not saying there shouldn't be any Christmas tat, special food or a little bit of spoiling (I've spoilt my mum this year as no one else does much for her and she never treats herself) but the sheer amounts that some people spend is quite obscene and it makes me wonder why.

So you don’t feel inadequate at all then?

Why don't you spend a tenner then and leave others to spend what they want to?

There's no reason why I spend lots on my kids. Or rather , the reason is 'because I like to and can afford to'

I don't judge you wanting to just get a few bits. Sounds a bit miserable though

I do feel inadequate when I read of the amounts spent because I don't have that kind of money to spend and worry that I'm not getting them enough even though I know they'll be happy with what I have got them. That doesn't mean I would spend it if I had it though. I think no matter what is spent as parents we will always worry there'll be something missing they really wanted. One dd wants a laptop and a horse but there's no way she'll get either. I can't afford riding lessons never mind a horse!

Parents are under such a lot of pressure and many get into debt to buy what their children ask for.

I said in my OP each to their own and that this was just my musings

The poster who said about the foster children liking branded things struck a cord with me. As a late teen and young adult I viewed branded things or expensive things as symbols of having made it past my financially restricted childhood and I enjoyed buying myself all the things I could only have dreamt of as a child and put value in possessions over people as possessions didn't let you down and were a tangible thing that filled an empty space in my life. Now I'm older I'm trying to cut down on "stuff" and my values are different.

Everyone is different and that's ok but I do wonder at the reasons for and consequences of such materialism.

I think as well it depends on your own childhood christmasses. My parents were wealthy by 1980s standards yet I was the ‘want need wear read’ child at school. I never had a bike or roller skates or anything ‘special’ - everything was practical. We never had Christmas crackers or party hats as it was a waste. And that’s what I felt like too.

I could afford to spend a lot on my dc but I have a a set budget. And no one else to buy for. My dc know the value of money and are greatful. And like a pp said, having an Xbox the same as your friends so you can join in is not being spoiled, it’s a part of life for children today.

Each to their own. My DC don't go without anything but they are decent people and seeing as I have worked really fucking hard this year (hello GDPR) I don't see why I shouldn't treat them. That doesn't mean we don't have family time, of course we are a close family.

I will spend more than the average from what I see on mn but I will also take 2 weeks off work to spend with my family. I won't get into debt and I could spend the money on something more worthwhile but I love picking stuff out for them and suprising them and it's a habit now that is just what I do at Christmas. I save all year round. I have an account for hols and Christmas.

I think it's great that some people don't feel the need to spend much even when they have the means and likewise I don't don't have a problem with those who go a bit mad and spend what they have. I do feel bad for those who would like to spend more but can't and who feel they are letting their children down because of it.

You sound more judgy/smug than inadequate.

Surely if you’re going down that route then it’s volume rather than cost that’s distasteful? Mountains of tat vs a few expensive bits.

I don't think the amount spent on a child makes them spoilt. Being spoilt is down to behaviour and parenting. Children, like adults, can have a whole host of things and as long as they see that hard work provides them and they reap the rewards of that they will remain balanced individuals.

You claim it's all about traditions and carefully picked items but people who spend a lot can do that as well. Its not unique to the thrifty.

I expect it will make the children go the other way quite honestly.
Same as drinking and smoking.

I really can't understand how my parents did such a massive Christmas spread on their poor wages. It's breaking me. I think food is cheaper than ever but yet I need to buy so much. I think a lot of it is thinking Baileys for example is a "right" at Christmas. We got through three bottles last year. Whereas previously it would have been a treat for down the pub or something. The expectation that I can do a full three days of resturant standard food drink and entertainment maybe.

@SheWoreBlueVelvet try Asda/Aldi/Lidl for their knock off baileys. It's lovely and £3.85 ish a bottle.

Food is getting more and more expensive. I'm glad we don't eat meat as it's extortionate.

I don't think you need to feel inadequate OP if, as you say, your children will be happy with what you have bought them. It's not really fair to judge others negatively though just because you perceive that they are spending more on their children than you are.

We spend quite a lot on our children at Christmas and birthdays. We can afford to because I budget carefully and buy in bits over a few months. It's not excessive but it is generous and they all get (we have 4 dc) pretty much everything they ask for and then some.

I love giving my children big exciting Christmases and birthdays, I never had them as a child as grew up poor. My children are not spoilt, they are lovely generous and brilliant at sharing and giving to others. It certainly is not a replacement for time spent together or magical Christmassy moments either, it's in addition.

I agree to a certain extent, Christmas has become over commercialised and people get sucked into the advertising and demands but then every family has the right to spend what they chose without being judged and looked down on. Christmas is what you make it. If they chose to spoil their children with thousands of pounds and they turn into ungrateful brats that’s their doing, you can spoil them and raise them to be respectful and grateful people too and no one should feel bad for spoiling their children at Christmas if they can afford to as It’s not anyone else’s business.

I work hard on a low wage job and I save all year so my children get what they asked for (within reason) Im good at bargain hunting so I never pay full price for anything and they have a lovely pile under the tree each for barely any cost. They are grateful for everything and as a single parent with not many relatives it’s the only time they do get spoilt. They never expect anything on their list and that’s because I’ve taught them value. One wanted a Nintendo switch but i think it’s too expensive so we compromised and she understood. My parents were poor but still managed to scrape together to give us great Christmas, it’s not the gifts I remember but the excitement family time and happiness on my parents faces and made me continue it for my own children.

If you would chose to spend the same if you had a job then I wouldn’t suggest you feel inadequate but possibly a bit resentful you can’t afford to do those things? If you couldn’t afford a single present id get it but you say you have spoilt your mum so your post becomes judgy. Perhaps when you get a job and it’s your own earned money to spend you may feel more proud?

These type of threads appear every bloody year and I'm always by how some posters can take just a tiny amount of information about others ie 'we spend X at Christmas' and draw all sorts of ridiculous conclusions about strangers lives.

They know precisely sweet F A about posters values, their morals, how they raise their dc, their finances, how much they value family or friends or experiences, what they do for charity or the environment, yet based only on the fact that some spend more than they personally approve of, they draw invariably negative conclusions and feel very free to pass comment and judgment.

It would be completely unacceptable for me to post that I think those buying just one gift or three gifts are mean or to suggest that they're somehow causing harm to their dc by not giving them more yet apparently it's absolutely fine to make sweeping statements about anyone who chooses to spend more than you at Christmas.

Often too, posters who wouldn't DREAM of spending more will concede that actually their dc do have things like expensive lego sets or Barbie houses or phones or consoles, it's just that they don't flippin pay for them! Oh no, generous grandparents and relatives provide those gifts in quite a few families leaving lots of posters to smugly declare that they only spend tuppence ha'penny and everyone has an amazing Christmas .

We all think how we do Christmas is the right way and by comparison those who do something very different can just feel wrong. Other people's Christmas isn't right or wrong, it's just different.

Well said CantSleep! 👏