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Original poster

Another “Help Me” post!!

38 replies

Twitchintervention · 13/12/2018 23:37

I have 3 girls who are 11 (nearly 12) 10 and 7. Eldest most like does not believe in Santa I suspect 10 year old is going that way too although, is adamant that she won’t be sleeping in her room downstairs on Christmas Eve!!! Youngest definitely still believes.

Santa always holds a present back for the table and through the years it’s alwasy been one of their main gifts...this year they are all getting fitbits/tracker style watches.

Eldest has irked me a little tonight as announced quite blasé that she though she would be getting her asked for Fitbit Versa (which yes she is getting) at the table!

To cut a long story short AIBU to wrap up 3 very similar size boxes for the table which are not anything they are expecting (and I need your help with, need to be rectangular In size) and keep the suspense of the Fitbits going till at least the end of the meal!

DH always thinks I’m mean with this kind of thing but a) don’t like the presumption that anything is going to be bought for them and b) think the Christmas’s they will remember will be the ones with a bit of fun.

OP posts:
MutedUser · 14/12/2018 00:58

You could buy little gift boxes and put £10 note in them with chocolate coins. Or a gift card maybe

Iloveautumnleaves · 14/12/2018 01:06

I wouldn’t. I don’t think it’s worth ‘putting her in her place’ in a way that may cause upset on Christmas Day and may spoil it for the others.

When she says ‘I thought that would be what it was’ simply say ‘It was a great guess DD 😊’. Let he be the older all knowing growing up one. It’s really not a big deal. Honest.

If you think she’s getting a spoilt attitude, then yes, deal with it, but not in a petty way on Christmas Day.

JaneJeffer · 14/12/2018 01:31

You said they always get a present at the table yet now you think your daughter is being presumptuous! Just give them their presents and don't be so vindictive over nothing. Happy Christmas.

Original poster
Twitchintervention · 14/12/2018 08:41

Wow I’m not being vindictive, she’s still getting it!

In this house they don’t know what gifts they will receive, they still write a “Santa” list (most so for the younger two) and know they won’t get everything and there definitely surprise’s amongst it all...

Eldest has asked for a really expensive Fitbit (Versa) and it’s been a push which I’m really glad we have managed to do but was quite shocked for her to already have mentally opened it especially as have played it down with “Dont think Santa will be able to stretch to that” Guess I presumed she would be a little more wowed.

OP posts:
LoveWasAccidental · 14/12/2018 08:48

What are you cross about exactly op? The fact that your dd guesses that you have bought her the present that you have in fact bought her?

When she gets the other box at the table, how are you hoping she'll feel? Sad? Disappointed? Foolish? I may have missed something but is that how you generally want your kids to feel at Christmas?

doodlejump1980 · 14/12/2018 08:51

Wrap up a chocolate orange?

apostropheuse · 14/12/2018 08:51

I wouldn't do that, it's a bit mean. She's excited at the prospect of getting a much-wanted gift and hasn't got the maturity of an adult to keep those thoughts in her head.

I woulsn't want to risk her being upset for no reason.

LizzieSiddal · 14/12/2018 08:52

But you said the table present has “always been one of their main presents”.

Your Dd guessing she may be getting a fit bit at the table, isn’t her being presumptuous and I really wouldn’t mess about with finding another present.

CrookedMe · 14/12/2018 08:53

Seems a bit unnecessarily mean. We teach kids to ask Santa for what they want, and now you want to somehow teach her a lesson for joining in?

If her dream for Christmas is that she'll get her Fitbit at the table, why wouldn't you just make that come true?

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 14/12/2018 08:55

Let it go! She guessed and that’s great that she is happy with the gift (can you imagine if she as saying ‘I really hope it’s not a Fitbit - I don’t want that rubbish!’).

LizzieSiddal · 14/12/2018 08:55

Sorry meant to add, I think you’re disappointed she’s guessed correctly. Instead of recognising our disappointment, you’re trying to teach her some kind of lesson, at the table in Christmas Day! Don’t do it, she’ll remember it forever, rather than the excitement of getting what she wanted.

JamAtkins · 14/12/2018 08:58

I don’t get it. If you’ve been encouraged to write a ‘santa list’ and received a gift from this list every year it’s not that presumptuous to think that will happen again. It doesn’t mean you don’t value the present or aren’t excited by it. I don’t know what you are trying to achieve. Make her feel like a brat? Teach her a lesson? Put her in her place?

Original poster
Twitchintervention · 14/12/2018 09:25

Thanks for the feedback I will take on board and possibly rethink the way I do presents...

I guess I just have a different different way at looking at things, £190 is a lot for us to spend on a present for one child so when she wrote it down it went along side the giant flying unicorn that my 7 year of wrote down, it’s not that I don’t want her to have it, thinks she doesn’t deserve it, want her to feel sad, on the contrary Im so excited but would just like a little more wow when opening...

I love giving and seeing my DC faces when they open gifts but I think the best bit (and what I remember as a kid) was the element of suspense, the magic and of course the surprise’s, wanting to make a little longer and wonder, trying to think of way to keep that going rather than her sitting in front of an unwrapped box already mentally wearing it.

I can assure you I’m the least unkind, mean person there is, I just want to keep Christmas as magical as possible.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 14/12/2018 09:31

I wouldn’t change things at all, I think saving a present for the table is lovely.
What you should have done when she mentioned getting the fit bit is say “oh no, I’m not sure about that“ she’ll then have doubts.

Maybe wrap the boxes so they don’t look like fitbits? Make them an odd shape?

CrookedMe · 14/12/2018 09:32

But kids don't think about Christmas presents in a financial way, do they? Especially not if you've encouraged believing in Santa. It's all the magic and elves isn't it?

It sounds like it's been difficult for you to afford the Fitibt, and you want her to be especially grateful and acknowledging of that. I don't think disappointing her at the table on Christmas Day is going to achieve that somehow.

Maybe a quiet chat about how lucky we are and a family trip to donate to the Foodbank would make your point in a better way.

Alanamackree · 14/12/2018 09:52

At 11 she’s exploring her ability to predict and judge and rationalize. These abilities are changing and growing with age. I don’t think she’s spoilt or taking things for granted; she’s figuring out probability based on previous patterns. If she did it in maths class you’d be delighted. It’s just uncomfortable in real life.
She’s also doing this with the social ineptness and lack of tact of a pre teen Smile
I think the best way to deal with this kind of thing is to gently correct the tone to guide her to express herself in a more socially appropriate way. “I think you mean that you hope Santa will be generous and bring you...” or whatever sounds right to you. The same way you would rephrase a toddler’s ^gimme now” by saying “can I have a drink please” but you wouldn’t withhold the drink. Or you could praise her clever deductive reasoning but point out that it sounds presumptious, gently because she probably hasn’t realised.

Don’t go down the road of being petty or vindictive. You’re facing into years of this! As the adult you’re going to have to hold the space for teenagers to work through their awkward, awful development. If you can see their behavior for what it is (appropriate on a developmental scale but needing guidance) rather than taking it personally or thinking of it as a reflection of your parenting, you’ll make it easier on everyone but especially on yourself Flowers

In the meantime enjoy your Christmas.

goose1964 · 14/12/2018 12:57

I agree with PP who said wrap it up so it doesn't look like a Fitbit, perhaps wrap some socks around it so it's squidgy

Tiredmum100 · 14/12/2018 13:13

I wouldn't give her something else at the table. I'd maybe just wait until after lunch. If she gets upset it could really ruin your day. I do understand where you're coming from but as another poster said children don't really understand the money side of things. My son asked for a drone as it's his birthday a couple of days after Christmas. I've said they're too expensive so he said he'd ask Santa for it instead. As another poster also said we teach them to write letters and ask for things so it's our own fault really. Again agree with another poster she hasn't got the maturity to play down her excitement in expecting a gift she really wants.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 14/12/2018 17:58

I didn’t read it as wanting to teach her a lesson, more as “she’s guessed, how do I give her back the surprise and joy when she gets what she wished for?”
If that’s the case, I’d keep the Fitbit in the original box, but wrap the box in bubble wrap to disguise the shape/ put the box in a larger box. That way she won’t expect a Fitbit when she sees the parcel, but will be pleasantly surprised when she opens it.

LiquoricePickle · 15/12/2018 00:04

I'd wrap it so that it looks like something completely different. Either a massive box or inside clothing.

I wouldn't give her something else - that's setting you all up for negativity and I also don't think that hoping she gets her top pick is presumptuous - it's what she's supposed to feel! For what it's worth, I don't think that your feelings are invalid either.

sunniest · 15/12/2018 00:24

I would actually give it to her earlier with her stocking/tree presents and switch a different thing out to be the table present. That way she will not be expecting to open it when she does so will be more surprised and she will have less idea/more surprise about what the table present will be. I agree about not messing about and making her think she hasn't got it at all by holding it back even longer. It will end in tears.

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 15/12/2018 00:34

I get where your coming from and why your annoyed with her mentally already 'having' it so to speak, but please don't withhold it till later. My mum did this the year I asked for a laptop when I was 12 and nothing else. She bought me a load of tat a lot of it similar size and shapes to laptop boxes and then laughed when I was upset it wasn't there, before getting it from behind the couch to give to me. I then 'upset' her by just putting it unopened on the couch beside my opened presents and going upstairs to have a good cry.

I wasn't upset about the other gifts and I was grateful for all of them because it was all stuff I liked, but I was hurt by her 'trick' and by being laughed at by her and my older sister. For context this was the second christmas after my dad died and she was trying new things to try to make christmas fun again, but that one really missed the mark tbh.

Reaa · 15/12/2018 08:43

You could wrap it, in a box, in a box, in a box, in a box Grin

steppemum · 15/12/2018 08:57

my older kids constantly try and secodn guess what Santa is bringing. The way to handle it is to treat it as banter.

So when she says she is getting a fit bit, you reply ina jokey voice with "What do you think Santa is made of money? He has a lot fo kids to buy for your know." Maybe he'll be able to run to a chocolate orange.

Never give out any information, deflect and make it into a joke etc. That way it keeps them guessing, and at the same time, keeps the surprise in.

It is pretty normal at this age.

Wrap it up in a different shape, so she isn't expecting it.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 15/12/2018 10:06

I agree with CrookedMe I understand you have had to stretch to make this Christmas present happen, and understandably you would appreciate some surprise, thanks and seeing your DD’s excitement at the gift, rather than a “yep, knew it” mentally wearing it already.

However, I think the way you are proposing to deal with it isn’t a good one. I agree with everyone who has said you can make the point with gentle hints about expectations, and Santa not being made of money etc.

Also if you want to retain the wonder for Christmas, why not put an envelope at her place instead, and that has a clue to a second clue etc as a treasure hunt to find the Fitbit. When she sees the envelope she will be a bit surprised and when she opens it and sees the clue it will be a game, and a way of bringing some wonder to the gift. I have payed this with my nieces (not with Christmas presents though) and frankly they love the hunt more than anything at the end. Make the clues age appropriate, so some can be tough. Investors done ones where they have to sing a song to a family member to eat the next clue, or things like who is the youngest uncle in the family, go to him and sing jingle bells for the next clue. Then the next clue could be “where does Santa enter the house (chimney or door)” and they race there for the next one etc.

Make them tricker if they are older. If should still only take a few minutes. As you are giving a Fitbit you could say in the last one Santa sees how much exercise they have gotten running around and thinks they should track it.....so here’s something to help?

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