Daughter dilemma - spending equally when one has a child.

[keely71]

I have two daughters.
Always spent equally on them obviously but last year dd1 had a baby. I’ve spent £100 on my grandchild plus about £80 on my daughter. ( I usually spend about £200 on each daughter but due to strict budget can’t spend £200 plus extra on grandchild iyswim )
So I’m a bit cofused now as to what I do about dd2. Do I spend around £100 like I have for dd1, or do I spend £200?
My dilemma is I haven’t spent £200 on dd1, I’ve spent half on her baby.
Oh god this is confusing.
Please someone help

In my family the children who haven't got married or had children of their own receive more and that's okay. We go on the theory that they have less people to share Christmas with so they still deserve to be treated by family more.
I have a few siblings, the ones with children get a small gift and then all their children get gifts the ones without get a bigger gift. I've never had any complaints and my parents do the same.

I'd say equal for the adults, grandchildren are separate. Yes, it means you spend more on the family - but also consider that your DD with a child likely has a lot less spare money to spend on herself throughout the year than the one with no children.

It's probably best to treat each person as an individual and try to be fair within reason.

So I would spend roughly the same on each dc.

You have to work within your budget. And there are more people to consider now. Later, if there were 6 grandchildren, it would be best to treat them all equally. Otherwise, you would end up always giving the firstborn the most just because precedent was set that you bought expensive presents because they were the only one and you could afford it then.

I would give the same to each child and then grandchildren are separate.

I don’t know actually. Is dd2 likely to have children? Because say for instance dd1 goes on to have a couple more children but dd2 doesn’t, that means every year she gets less and less because her sister chose to have more children.

In this instance I’d perhaps not spend £200 but a bit more than DD1.

I think DD1d budget should be split between her and her child
Not fair to half what you would usually spend on your other child because someone else had a baby
When I have a baby I would expect my family so spend money on my child instead of me- I wouldn’t expect my child to impact on what my sister gets

We have no idea what our parents spend respectively on siblings - so have no idea whether they have spent more on my siblings who don’t have children. Are you sure it’s going to be that obvious what you’ve spent?
But as far as I am aware, my parents spend similar amounts on all of their children - the grandchildren are treated as separate people. However, they spend a lot less than £100 per grandchild (more like £30-40). At a very rough guess, they spend about £150-250 on each child. So the grandchild spend is less relevant.

I think in your situation I’d just ensure you spend a similar amount on your children (ie £100) and keep the grandchild separate.

My mum has told me presents for my partner and baby will come out of the budget for me, so I’ll get less than my sister.
I wish she hadn’t told me to be honest, as it’s not like I would have sat totting up the value of our respective gifts so I doubt I would have noticed! Now I just feel a bit like I’m less important now I’m a mum. And then I feel guilty for caring at all.

So if you do do it, maybe just don’t tell her?

Woollyheart makes a good point. First grandchildren probably get more spent on them for the first few years, then more grandchildren arrive and grandparents find themselves cutting back because they can’t afford to give the same amount to say 4 grandchildren as they had done for 1.

Thank you everyone.
I think you’re right. Spend equally on dd’s and grandchild separate.
It wouldn’t be such a problem if we didn’t all spend Christmas Day together opening the presents! I know my dd’s aren’t lithe type to sit there adding the presents up in their head, they’re not like that at all - it’s me, I just want to be fair, & being 1st grandchild wasn’t sure what to do.
And yes, I could have 6 grandchildren in years to come so can’t keep this up!

Why don't you spend £150 on each DD and £50-100 on DGC. Then you still keep in your budget & everyone gets a decent present.

I agree the previous poster, spend the same on each child, so plus a present for your DGD.

I’d spend £200 on your DD who doesn’t have a baby but talk to your other DD about it and explain that you have a budget.
I wouldn’t mind if my mum did that but I’d probably appreciate knowing ahead of time

I wouldn't mind at all, but I think it's probably best to spend the same on each DD. Just thinking further down the line if DD2 ended up with 3 kids, and you still stuck to your £200 per DD and offspring, are you really going to spend more on one grandchild than the others?

FWIW, my sister is s good bit younger than me and I think had more spent on her for a while after my mum reduced what she spends on me. I think now we're all adults she spends to same on us all irrespective of kids. I genuinely wouldn't care if she spent more on my sister though (but then my sister will always be a child in my eyes, she still gets allocated a child budget by me even though we've stopped buying for all other siblings 😂).

Each individually.

Gc is individual.

You have to be careful how far you go with this sort of thing.
I mean dc one was born a long time before dd 2. So... Do I back date that to be fair to dd2?

Now I presume they are both adults maybe cut down both of their costs to £50-100 each and have a budget of £30-50 per grandchild from now on, that way you have set guidelines for all christmases per person and you don’t need to feel guilty about spending differently on them for example if one has one child and the other has 6 it would be uneven as some grandchildren would then get more than others.

I've got 2 DDs, one of whom has a baby. The other has a stepdaughter. He's too young to know about Christmas. I will spend the same on my girls, as always. I also spend equal money on their partners, but less than on them.
Baby will get a little gift because he doesn't need anything! Stepdaughter will get a few nice gifts. Probably of much greater value than the baby.
I think it's important to treat my girls the same, even though one is a much higher earner than the other. ( they tend to spend similar amounts on each other)

I personally would give equally to each of my children . When I have grandchildren I will give them a separate amount. This would stop problems etc if on of my children has 3 and the other has 1 . I would hate to think how awful the family with 3 kids would feel that I spent more on the other grandchild as they was only 1of them IYSWIM

Personally I think you should spend the same on your daughters and treat grandchild separate. She is a new member of the family and shouldn't be seen as part of the daughters pot for gifts if that makes sense?

My mum splits her budget between who she is to buy for.

She has 4 dc and 6 gc, so if she’s saved, say £1000 then it would be £100 per gc and £100 per dc (and partner)

I do similar myself. I save £100 per month for Xmas and after I’ve bought food and extended family presents I split what’s left between the dc. When I had 2 dc I’d spend £300 ish each, now I have 3 it’s £200 ish each.

I think you’re right. Spend equally on dd’s and grandchild separate.

Think you've got the right idea here, but remember this is the first grandchild, don't over do it as once you have more you don't want to be spending £100 on each of them or worry you didn't spend the same on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or more dgc!!!

I would spend the same amount on my daughters' gifts regardless of how many children they had and then buy the children presents too with a separate "grandchildren" budget.
I do find this idea that if my mum spent $100 on my sister and $100 on a gift for my sister's child then she should spend $200 on childless me very strange.
A child is a person in their own right and wouldn't you want to buy them a special gift regardless?
A gift for a grandchild is a gift for that grandchild not a gift for the parent.
And childless people have more money to buy stuff for themselves so less need.

My mum has a budget per household. So my sister gets more spent on her than me, because she's buying for my dc. And my other sibling gets less because there are more children in the house. She's on a tight budget and I have no issue that my sister gets more, after all, she also has a bunch of nieces and nephews to buy for too.

I think this is really difficult. I am one of three girls. I have four dc, my two sisters have none. My mum stopped doing me a stocking as soon as I got married (about two years pre children) and still does my sisters one now.

The daft thing is they have tonnes of disposable income whereas I never spend anything on myself. So they get stockings stuffed with really nice bits... Make up, perfume, lovely stationary etc. But they already have loads of that stuff and I actually can't afford it. Then they get a big "main gift". For example last year dsis had her car converted to a hard top by them, cost £400. In contrast, I got some tea making bits and a cake stand (and I don't drink tea!). She buys lovely presents for the children and I try really hard not to mind... But the disparity is so great that it can be really tough.
What I would say is that the baby is only at most one years old. There is no way that he needs £100 spending on him. I would probably prioritise spending on my daughter, and spend £20-£30 on dgc.