Daughter dilemma - spending equally when one has a child.

[keely71]

I have two daughters.
Always spent equally on them obviously but last year dd1 had a baby. I’ve spent £100 on my grandchild plus about £80 on my daughter. ( I usually spend about £200 on each daughter but due to strict budget can’t spend £200 plus extra on grandchild iyswim )
So I’m a bit cofused now as to what I do about dd2. Do I spend around £100 like I have for dd1, or do I spend £200?
My dilemma is I haven’t spent £200 on dd1, I’ve spent half on her baby.
Oh god this is confusing.
Please someone help

If you were spending £400 in total on your dd’s pre grandchild, I’d reduce the amount spent on both dd’s as they’ve effectively moved up a generation (and everyone knows that you get less spent on you as an adult!). So I’d spend £150-£175 per dd leaving £50 to £100 to spend on the grandchild (although a baby mightn’t need this much yet). Then reduce your dd’s accordingly each time another grandchild comes into the equation and still aim to spend £400 in total. Tbh your dds probably won’t notice much difference between say a £200 and a £175 gift.

I'm not sure how you spend £100 on someone under two years old, but I would suggest opening two savings accounts - one for the children of DD1 and one for the (future) children of DD2. Every Xmas put in an equal amount to both, and add more on birthdays or special occasions where a gift is usually given. Just buy small trinkets to give physically.

Once each DD has decided they are not having any more children you can make sure that the money is evenly distributed among all DGC in a few years time, and they'll have a nice little pot of gold for when they hit 16/18/whenever.

My mum had always spent equally on her children, then spends equally on her grandkids, she spends about the same on my dh as me too, but he's been part of the family for 25 years, my siblings are single no kids, they don't resent this (I think) as they made my DD's the beneficiaries of each of their wills, knowing full well that they aren't included in mine as my spouse gets everything then my kids. (DB is my kids named guardian for their trust fund until 25, just in case - I don't want them to inherit too young!)

My parents have 5 children and 15 grandchildren, the grandchildren more than us but have the same amount as each other and we and our partners have the same as each over but less than our children

I have had this dilemma before as one DD is married with two children and one is single. I tend to spend the same on both DDs, a bit less on son in law and grandchildren. Yes it costs more but I don't want to reduce the single DDs budget but equally don't want to scrimp on married daughter.

Surely it’s the thought that counts not the value of the gift.

So buy gifts which are thoughtful and within your overall budget. Sometimes you spend more on one and sometimes less.

My dcs don’t know what I spent on each of them and I try and teach them it’s the thought not the price which matters.

I always find some people’s way of thinking on this issue shocking and clearly a chip on their own shoulder. But this grandchild is a human and an individual and equally as valuable a human as anyone in your family. She’s not just some appendage to your daughter. Whether you need to spend equal on a child as an adult is the only thing you need to consider.

If you have a total budget of £400 I would go with £40 for grandchild and £180 each on your DD’s.
Seems a lot to spend on dgc if it’s their first Xmas. If you have any more dgc you wouldn’t be able to maintain a budget of spending that much per grandchild.

She buys lovely presents for the children and I try really hard not to mind... But the disparity is so great that it can be really tough.

It isn't a disparity jn some ways as if they are spending x on each 'family' then your family gets the same as your siblings.

I would spend £150 on each dd and then £50-£100 on your dgc

You’ve already spent £100 on grandchild.

So I’d spend £150 on each daughter.

Which isn’t that different than what you’d normally spend on each DD.

I agree with Believeitornot.

I thought NemoRocks made a good point too. Some parents never have any money to buy themselves a little treat, because everything goes to their kids; if one of my kids was in that situation I would want to be indulgent at Christmas. Equally, I have one son who just not at all materialistic, and wouldn't care if he didn't get any presents at all.

I don't think that how much money is spent on each person needs to matter.
Money =/= love, and confusing money with love creates so much misery.

Spend the same on each child. The dc with a child probably needs more of a treat than the childless one.

First Christmas for us with same situation. I have kept spending level the same as normal for both dc then dgc is being treated as separate individual. Have noted what I have spent on dgc so that if/when other child has offspring I am fair to both so keeping the parity that way.

Since I have had DS who is 4, my mum has spent less on me because she has an extra to buy for. Which I don't mind at all :)

My sister's still had the usual amount spent on then but when they have children, the same will happen to them.