Worried about Christmas, DM and MIL

[LewisMam]

A couple of years ago MIL did something truly awful to me. I went round to (politely) discuss it and took DM for support. MIL lost her temper, screamed at us and threw us out in the street.

Fast forward to today. I’m civil to MIL for DH’s sake. DM refuses to have anything to do with her. This is our baby DS’s first Christmas and our first Christmas in our new home, so DH wants to host dinner for DM, MIL and his siblings. DM refuses to come because MIL will be there.

Problem 1: I don’t want DM to miss DS’s first Christmas because of a bitch like MIL. If I have to put up with the cow then I don’t see why DM can’t. She needs to learn to cope with MIL because she can’t miss the baby’s birthday and every other event just to avoid MIL. And I don’t see why I should host Christmas in my own home but not have my own family there. Alternatively if we can only host one of them why is it automatically MIL? We’ve spent the past ten Christmases with MIL so surely we could spend a Christmas with DM for a change.

Problem 2: DM is retired and pops in most days to give the baby his lunch and give me a break for an hour. MIL works full time and goes out a lot with friends and online dating, she rarely visits and maybe sees the baby once every 3 months. DH is worried that the baby has a relationship with DM but not MIL. He giggles and interacts with DM and says Nan Nan to her, but blanks MIL because she’s a stranger. MIL is very huffy and DH is worried she’ll take the huff at Christmas when she sees the obvious warmth between DM and the baby.

So what do we do?

What did MIL do? Is DM right to not forgive her?

I guess it depends what she did and how bad it was.

Can one come over for breakfast, one for dinner?

They’ll just be an atmosphere of they’re together so keep it separate. Mil won’t see the interactions between ds and dm. You still get to see everybody.

Your mil will miss out in the long run with your son, but that’s her choice, don’t worry yourself about that x

Basically MIL ruined my wedding dress. I was devastated, spent half the day crying and can’t stand to have any wedding photos on display. DM won’t forgive MIL for ruining my special day and throwing us out of her house. I’ll never forgive MIL either but have to be civil for DH’s sake.

If DM comes for dinner the atmosphere will be frosty, DM will be moody, and MIL will be jealous over the baby. If DM doesn’t come for dinner it’s mean and unfair on herself, me and the baby.

Oh god, what did she do to it?

What did your MiL do - do you think your DM is justified in still not wanting to see her? As for your point that If I have to put up with the cow then I don’t see why DM can’t I completely disagree with this - she is not your DM's MiL so why should she put up with her!

Sounds like your DM should have your loyalty here, as she had your back when you needed her to. Can you say to your husband you'll have his mother round on xmas eve or boxing day instead?

If I was you it would be dm round for lunch then dh can take the baby to see mil after lunch. Fuck the festive spirit.
No way would I have let what she did go.

I think your Mum is owed more loyalty that MIL and under the circumstances, I am not sure why you would ask your mum to suck it up? Why should she? Why is MIL even invited to Xmas after that performance?

Why does what your DH wants take precedence to what you want?
Tbh your new baby won’t know it’s Christmas anyway, though I get the new house, new baby thing. If you’ve had Christmas with MIL for ten years then it’s about time your DM got a look in.
Can’t two adults behave themselves for a day? I’d have Christmas on my own and sod the lot of them.

MIL wouldn't be crossing my threshold after that carry on.

It's MILs choice not to make any time for her DGC at other times- she doesn't get to bowl up and make demands when it suits her. Let me guess, she'll take lots of photos for FB?

Perhaps Santa will bring DH a spine for Christmas - why should you all have a miserable day to prevent an adult woman having a 'huff'?

Why did she ruin the dress? Was it on purpose?

How has DH reacted to MIL's behaviour?

If your DM won't come, I think you have to respect that regardless of whether you think it is right or wrong.
What is your husband's view of his mother's behaviour?

I think it depends if MIL destroyed dress maliciously or by accident.
Accidents do happen. If it was by accident then I think this has blown out of proportion.
If malicious then I am surprised you managed to be civil to her!

I think you’re angry at the wrong mother.

MIL wouldn’t be welcome in my home full stop. DH can visit her if he wishes. He can even go to her for Xmas dinner. Me, my child and my mother would be happy at home.

And it would stay that way until MIL apologised for the dress incident and the throwing you out incident to you and your mother.

Honestly I wouldn't invite either of them. Have your own family Christmas and give them times they can drop in if they so wish (one am one early evening to avoid crossover), if they get huffy that's their problem.

I don’t mean to drip feed. My question was about Christmas, the main point is that DM and I don’t like MIL - why we don’t like her is irrelevant.

BUT...

MIL offered to hand embroider my wedding dress. Except she didn’t finish it. The night before the wedding we went to fetch it and it was still unfinished. I panicked and cried, and MIL threw me and DM out, and threw the pieces of my dress into the street after us.

DH made MIL sew the pieces back together on the morning of the wedding because I had nothing else to wear. He brought it to me 30 minutes before the ceremony, crumpled in a pile, no time to iron it. It was sewn too tight so it was visibly pulling at the seams. I said I was going to wear jeans to the church and tell everyone what MIL had done, but DH made me wear the dress.

I hadn’t wanted him to see me before the ceremony. The photos are hideous, I look like shit. My face is red because I’d cried all morning. I won’t have any photos on display, I refused to have a photo album.

I don’t expect DM to forgive MIL because I’ll never forgive her myself.

How did she ruin the dress? Was it on purpose?

If I have to put up with the cow then I don’t see why DM can’t. She needs to learn to cope with MIL because she can’t miss the baby’s birthday and every other event just to avoid MIL

Your mum can do what she wants. We don't see all the grandparents on birthdays and Christmas, we stagger it on other days and no one gets offended. No one should be forced to spend time with anyone they don't want to.

Jesus wept. I wouldn’t have her in the house again either. Is she always such a complete and utter cow?

That was awful but what on earth were you doing leaving it to the day before? And why didn't you just go and get a dress from somewhere like monsoon that morning? Spending the whole morning sobbing rather than doing something about it makes you sound a little high maintenance, sorry.

I wouldn't want MIL in my life after that. I'm with your DM

It seems strange you want to invite them all if they don't get on. They need to enjoy Christmas too and it doesn't have to revolve around your child for them to enjoy themselves.

Erm no it doesn't. Presumably OP could only take her MIL's word for it that the dress would be ready. To be honest OP, your husband doesn't come out of this covered in glory. I think it's time to put your foot down and potentially take the baby to your DM for the day. Leave the pair of them to it.

@bluefolder Victim blaming in a nutshell

Bluefolder , that’s a shitty comment it was her fucking wedding day and her mil ruined it by not telling her about the dress or even having any remorse about it! Like it’s easy just to pop to the shops for a new dress, Jesus wept

what on earth were you doing leaving it to the day before? And why didn't you just go and get a dress from somewhere like monsoon that morning?
I had no money for a replacement dress. MIL insisted right up to the last minute that she’d finish it, and DH insisted I had to trust his mother and give her a chance to do it. Otherwise it would cause a rift if I wasted all her work so far.

By the night before the wedding I was shitting myself. MIL was still insisting it would be done by tomorrow and I was crying but when will I have my fitting? So she said fuck it and fuck you, I don’t need this hassle, and threw the pieces of my dress in the street.

When I got home DH was utterly furious. He took the pieces back to MIL and said we can’t afford another dress, fix it or I’ll never forgive you. I understand he made her stay up all night.

Wouldn't you cry on your wedding day if you were still waiting for your dress with no guarantee it would turn up or even fit? I don’t think that makes me high maintenance.