Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Worried about Christmas, DM and MIL

55 replies

LewisMam · 19/11/2018 17:02

A couple of years ago MIL did something truly awful to me. I went round to (politely) discuss it and took DM for support. MIL lost her temper, screamed at us and threw us out in the street.

Fast forward to today. I’m civil to MIL for DH’s sake. DM refuses to have anything to do with her. This is our baby DS’s first Christmas and our first Christmas in our new home, so DH wants to host dinner for DM, MIL and his siblings. DM refuses to come because MIL will be there.

Problem 1: I don’t want DM to miss DS’s first Christmas because of a bitch like MIL. If I have to put up with the cow then I don’t see why DM can’t. She needs to learn to cope with MIL because she can’t miss the baby’s birthday and every other event just to avoid MIL. And I don’t see why I should host Christmas in my own home but not have my own family there. Alternatively if we can only host one of them why is it automatically MIL? We’ve spent the past ten Christmases with MIL so surely we could spend a Christmas with DM for a change.

Problem 2: DM is retired and pops in most days to give the baby his lunch and give me a break for an hour. MIL works full time and goes out a lot with friends and online dating, she rarely visits and maybe sees the baby once every 3 months. DH is worried that the baby has a relationship with DM but not MIL. He giggles and interacts with DM and says Nan Nan to her, but blanks MIL because she’s a stranger. MIL is very huffy and DH is worried she’ll take the huff at Christmas when she sees the obvious warmth between DM and the baby.

So what do we do?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 19/11/2018 18:16

To be fair I would assume the OP would have tried on the dress before the wedding, or was MIL just adding embellishments etc? Did MIL not tell you she was struggling to get it done in time?

ineedaholidaynow · 19/11/2018 18:17

Sorry cross posted

TwistedStitch · 19/11/2018 18:20

We’ve spent the past ten Christmases with MIL so surely we could spend a Christmas with DM for a change.

Even without all the hostility this should be enough for you to be able to say 'actually DH it's my Mum's turn'. Why shouldn't you get a Xmas with your side of the family?

NerrSnerr · 19/11/2018 18:21

The theme throughout this thread is your husband telling you this, your husband telling you that...

Don't you ever get a say?

ny20005 · 19/11/2018 18:27

Why on earth do you still speak to mil ?? I'd be non contact after that. No excuses & no matter what my dh said !

Have Christmas with your dm & if dh wants to see his mum, let him go in the morning without you

Valasca · 19/11/2018 18:28

I don’t think the MIL planned to ruin it and I also don’t understand how embellishments could fuck it up so much. You must have picked the dress because you liked the shape, so how was it not possible to simple wear it without embellishments? You and your mum sound like bloody drama queens. It is just a wedding. But you’re managing to make it a life time feud and even risk affecting her relationship with her grandson over one stupid dress you wore once.

Original poster
LewisMam · 19/11/2018 18:28

I bought the plain dress months before. MIL took it apart to embellish and was also going to do the final fittings.

MIL didn’t say she was struggling to get it done. Weeks passed and I asked repeatedly are you sure you can do it? I’m happy to take it away and just get a seamstress to put it back together as it is. She insisted she could and got very upset, told DH I was questioning her ability to do it and she was insulted that I didn’t trust her. DH asked me to sit tight and trust her because he trusted her. Right up to the night before the wedding she was still insisting it would be done. The only reason she put it back together on the morning of the wedding was because DH made her.

This thread has become about my wedding dress instead of Christmas dinner!

OP posts:
Original poster
LewisMam · 19/11/2018 18:33

Why on earth do you still speak to mil ?
For DH. Because it’s mean for me to refuse to have anything further to do with his family. I grit my teeth and keep it as infrequent as possible.

You must have picked the dress because you liked the shape, so how was it not possible to simple wear it without embellishments?
I could have worn it. But MIL was once a professional costumer and really wanted to contribute. I thought I would be special and nice for her to be involved so I accepted her offer. Of course once she’d taken it apart and started working on it I couldn’t wear it any more - I was stuck waiting for her to finish.

OP posts:
Romanmonkey · 19/11/2018 18:37

There is no way I would have MIL in my house after that, OP, let alone host her at Christmas at the expense of my Mum.

californiascreaming · 19/11/2018 18:43

I think you have a DH problem here...
I would be hosting my mum and out of politeness i would allow an invite for MIL to pop round after lunch for a mince pie/Christmas cake.

XiCi · 19/11/2018 18:48

OK, so from what you have said there is no way in hell that you are going to have a good Xmas day if you are all together. In fact it's a recipe for disaster, any fool can see that and tbh your DH is a dick to be suggesting it. Go to your mil with the baby at breakfast, spend some time with her then return to yours with your mum for a relaxing Xmas dinner. Mil sounds a bloody nightmare.

LyraBelaqua · 19/11/2018 18:48

My sister has an absolutely vile MIL who the whole of my family try to avoid but if our paths do cross it is always extremely uncomfortable for us and for my sister, niece and nephew so I would strongly recommend not letting her and your own DM spend Christmas together incase it ends up with Christmas ruined (not what you want for sons first Christmas). I believe the grandparents who are most involved should get to spend the day with your little one and the MIL should have Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Your husband should let you decide on this one. Just because you normally spend Christmas with the old cow doesn’t mean it always has to be this way, what better time for a change.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/11/2018 18:52

Your husband "made" you wear the dress? You're civil to MIL to keep your DH happy?
I'd struggle to spend Christmas with either your DH or your MIL tbh. What about your happiness, decisions and preferences?

SnuggyBuggy · 19/11/2018 18:53

MIL sounds like a psycho. Your DC won't benefit from a grandparent like that so I wouldn't feel a desperate need for her to be included in your DCs Christmas.

I think you and DH have serious problems.

Mrskeats · 19/11/2018 18:53

I would be NC with mil after that. Can’t understand why your husband would think that sort of behaviour was ok.
Loyalty should be with your mum who clearly puts the effort in (and is not unhinged)

NerrSnerr · 19/11/2018 19:17

I personally think that if you've spent the last 10 Christmases with MIL and you clearly don't like her and your mum won't come if she's there you should just invite your mum.

I don't think you will though as I have a feeling your husband will have the final say won't he?

CottonTailRabbit · 19/11/2018 19:21

It is your mum's turn this Xmas irrespective of anything else. MIL gets Xmas Eve or Boxing Day.

ghostsandghoulies · 19/11/2018 19:22

It's all about what your h wants. It's shocking that you are accepting your MIL's awful behaviour. She wouldn't be setting foot in my house. If my h was still seeing her then it would be for a couple of hours in the morning or whatever time was convenient. Your mum is right not to be a doormat and forgive your MIL. Your anger should be directed at MIL and your H not your mum.

As your mum is an integral part of your day to day life I think that she should be invited over MIL. How sad that you've spent the day with MIL for TEN YEARS!!

RolandDeschainsGilly · 19/11/2018 19:26

Your MIL is a nut job and your DH is a complete dick.

10 years of Christmas with MIL? It’s more than gone past your mothers turn. That’s without adding in her fucking awful behaviour.

DH needs to grow a fucking spine.

SilverDoe · 19/11/2018 19:44

So despite you never being able to forgive your MIL for what she’s done, you’ve had to spend a decade’s worth of Christmases with her?? How do you feel at Christmas time, is it enjoyable?

Gosh I must be quite selfish because I refuse to spend Christmas Day with anyone but my partner and DC since we had our first baby 3 years ago. Is that not an option? Or at least splitting the day/Xmas eve with MIL and your family on Xmas day? I agree with a PP who said that everyone should enjoy themselves at Christmas and it’s not really fair to inflict and awkward/tense day on everyone, however good your or your DH’s intentions might be.

LilMy33 · 19/11/2018 20:11

I’d insist on sacking off the MIL completely and having only your mother over. If your (quite frankly controlling wanker) husband objects he can go his precious mothers for Christmas.

LilMy33 · 19/11/2018 20:13

Also I’m not surprised your mother can’t bear to be around your MIL. Not only did she behave the way she did and ruin your dress but she’s basically got away with it, there have been no repercussions at all because her son has no balls whatsoever and you want to keep the peace.

hamzilla · 19/11/2018 20:45

I'm with everyone else who has said your problem is DH. Of course you don't want to spend the day with your MiL, of course you want to spend it with your mum, and obviously your mum would not want to go anywhere near your MIL. So why has he even put any of you in this position? Why do I get the impression that your husband may not actually be aware that you still have resentment towards your MIL?

rainbowquack · 19/11/2018 21:02

There is no way in hell I would be having Christmas Day with your MIL. Christmas Eve is a nice gesture, for the sake of the bairn, and leave it at that. I would have no issue in playing bad cop here, for the sake of a more relaxed and peaceful Christmas.

Our parents involvement with DC is very uneven, and the kids relationships with them/enthusiasm for them is a reflection of that. We spent years trying to make it even, but at the end of the day, one set of grandparents were more invested than the other. You can not change it. It's up to them to put the effort in.

Good luck.

shortgreengiraffe · 20/11/2018 11:03

I can understand you deciding to keep the peace for the sake of DH. I was in that position once before too with a similarly awful MIL. The marriage didn't last but I don't regret getting on with things as I did.

It sounds like MIL has nowhere else to go on Christmas Day hence you spending it with her every time? I've been there too. And either you've already asked her or it is just assumed she is coming. If she does have other children and they just never invite her because of how she is I would ask your DH to fix that - everyone should take turns at having their Xmas ruined!

What other posters have suggested is with regards to dividing the day is good. I would recommend seeing MIL first to get it out of the way and ideally at her house so you can leave.

If that really isn't possible then I would tell MIL that you're inviting your mum this year since you haven't spent one with her for many years. Say you are happy for her (MIL) to come along if she would like to but stress you want no trouble. This way MIL feels like the one who is imposing but with you still looking accommodating.

Finally I would ignore all the first Christmas stuff. Baby won't remember it but if it's a disaster, you will. So just work out a day which you can all manage and take it from there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread