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Original poster

No adults presents - works both ways?

68 replies

Gweipo · 10/11/2018 17:30

My Dad has told me he is no longer buying presents for adults as it is too much hassle. Fair enough, I agree with this as it is all getting too much. He is only buying for the young DC in the family.

However, he has told me what presents he wants off me and what I should buy for his girlfriend. This is going to come to about £100.

Now that I have thought about it I am a bit Hmm. I appreciate the presents he is buying my DC but they don't need anything. A chocolate Santa will suffice. Now we have had the difficult discussion about not buying adults, started by him, I am thinking that actually I don't want to buy adults either.

OP posts:
FeedMeTikka · 10/11/2018 23:36

Just reply saying that as he suggested you won’t be doing adult presents this year although the children will be getting them a gift their budget doesn’t stretch to that amount/they’ve already chosen gifts for their family and friends.

Methenyouplus4 · 11/11/2018 08:00

This is tricky. Firstly, if money is a struggle, just explain that you are comfortable spending X amount, and what would they like in that price range?

We spend about £100 each (if not more) on my parents but they provide childcare for us before/after school x3 each week, so really it is a way to show gratitude for that. My dad has really specific hobbies so I don't mind giving him cash so he can put it towards something he really wants (e.g. new camera lense).

Other than my parents, we tend to just by those adults who go 'above and beyond' e.g. disabled son's TA, Beavers leaders, lovely postman etc.

Presumably they can afford what they have asked you for, could you politely suggest they buy that for each other as you are just doing token gift for adults? Or invite them for a special dinner at your house instead?

Good luck, it can be tricky with family.

Lordamighty · 11/11/2018 08:18

Just be direct so there is no misunderstanding. “We are no longer buying for adults, like you I find it’s too much hassle. So presents for children only from now on.”

Original poster
Gweipo · 11/11/2018 08:51

He is not broke nor is it a mobility issue. I think the issue is that he has too many people to buy for. I know for a fact that whatever he buys his DGC, he buys his GF's DGC the same thing from him. He even asks me for ideas for them as our DC are similar ages! His GF has never, ever bought my DC a gift, but I am expected to buy her a decent one. She has 8 DGC and he goes there for a few days over Christmas to spend time with the whole of her family so I doubt he is not taking presents for adults too. He would be embarrassed. It is coming across that I am grabby. Its not that. If we are going no gifts then I should be able to enjoy that liberation too. I know that I am also disgruntled at never having the opportunity to spend Christmas with my dad. Them opening lovely, thoughtful presents on Christmas day, selected by me whilst I sit at home putting on a brave face on Christmas day feeling sad at the situation, makes my blood boil. My DH thinks my dad is lousy.

I need counselling, clearly.

OP posts:
AvoidingDM · 11/11/2018 09:04

Have you tried inviting both of them to yours?

I'd try to think of them as a couple. He maybe doesn't put her name on gifts but sees them as from then both iykwim. Likewise I'd be surprised if they bought individual gifts for her side surely they gift jointly Confused

However your still not being unreasonable to think it should cut both ways. Have you replied to him yet?

HollowTalk · 11/11/2018 09:09

No you need to be firm here. "Dad, you said no adult gifts, so that means you and your girlfriend as well."

He should be buying for his GC because he's a loving grandfather, not because he expects a present in return.

BlueJava · 11/11/2018 09:17

So presents for children only means children only both ways in my view and we do this with all my DH's family(my DH has 6 siblings we all have 2+ children!). But for my MIL (FIL passed away) we always get her something too, not massive but maybe a book she would like, or luxury chocs or beauty stuff. For my family we don't do children only (less people I'm an only child, our 2 DS are the only grandchildren my parents have) so we do presents all round. My parents would never ask for anything though.

However if my MIL asked for stuff (as you are being asked) then absolutely not! He hasn't got the concept!

Holidayshopping · 11/11/2018 10:05

I don’t think you need counselling, you just need to do what most people in this thread have said and just say-‘are we doing presents for adults then or not?’.

Have you done that?

HeddaGarbled · 11/11/2018 10:12

He is buying decent presents for your children, though. I would get him a decent present in return. I’d just get his girlfriend a token present to be polite.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 11/11/2018 20:02

Hmmm, I’m a little unsure about this. We have a no adults rule between siblings...but up until a couple of years ago I didn’t include one of my brothers in that rule because he didn’t have children. It didn’t seem right that he was spending a fair bit of money on my children and getting nothing in return. We don’t have the no adults rule with my parents, but if I did, I don’t think I could let them spend a lot of money on my children and get them nothing in return. Having said that I think giving you a list worth £100 is out of order. I would get them a token gift and nothing else.

KC225 · 12/11/2018 07:08

Assuming you have siblings, did he mean the list from all of you. If he asks you for advice for her grand children then I think he may see you as the Christmas organiser.

I would also assume that the gifts he has bought are from both of them. If you are going to ignore the list, let him know now, so there is no upset later on.

NoWordForFluffy · 12/11/2018 07:18

When I had DC, my sister and I agreed no adult gifts any more, so don't buy for each other (I do give a token 'family' gift of nice biscuits or something though).

DH's family do an adult secret Santa between them, though we don't join in so don't get any adult presents from his side (DH was tired of getting stuff for the sake of it, so we stopped joining in!).

I still give presents to my parents and we also do a calendar of the kids for the GP. I also give some nice biscuits to my in laws with the calendar too, because I just think it's nice to do.

However, your dad has clearly stated no adult presents, so just knock that back to him instead of causing yourself angst over what to do!

EK36 · 12/11/2018 07:22

It works both ways! Just tell him, that you're only buying presents for the children. He said it to you..so say it back!! By the way this is what we do too. Kids only at Xmas.

CherryPavlova · 12/11/2018 07:26

My MIL does this. Tells my children no presents after they reach 21 then submits a list in March for her April birthday. She gives secondhand gifts but expects a new coat, a holiday or a Kenwood.

We don’t argue and just tell the children to smile graciously.

Holidayshopping · 12/11/2018 07:49

We don’t argue and just tell the children to smile graciously

Does she get the expensive gifts she’s requested?

CherryPavlova · 12/11/2018 08:10

Yes usually. I would hate to be quite so mealy mouthed and mean spirited. We like giving and do so with an expectation of anything in return. I don’t need lavender scented Bronnley soap - she might well need a new coat but not be able to afford it. The children don’t need a bargain basement tapas cookery book but they do need to learn the pleasure of giving, of generosity and of caring for our elderly.

Original poster
Gweipo · 12/11/2018 08:44

KC, no he means gifts from me. My DF gets lots of presents. He get's them off my sibling, my older nieces and nephews and his GF's family. I reckon he gets about £600 worth of presents every year. He gets more than my DC put together. He expects this and he is generous back. I know for a fact that the presents he buys his GF's GC are from him. He goes out alone to buy and wrap them from him. I've seen him do it and most of the things he buys he has got the idea from me. I am not an organiser. He asks me what I am buying my DC or in a conversation I may mention something they have been given or a book they have read and he will actually go get a pen to make a note. He once asked me to sort out his Amazon account and when I logged in I saw a whole load of presents that he had bought which he had searched after I mentioned them.

I have actually had quite an upsetting weekend. It is not just about the no adults thing. For some reason I am upset because this time of year feelings come to the surface about how he has never spent a Christmas with us since my DC were born (or before), only GF's extended family and now its no presents and I had to negotiate dates when he was available in December for us to visit. He is only free after Christmas, he can't fit it in beforehand.

In the past I have called him out on some of the things which I think are unfair but he then gets upset and I get calls from brothers telling me I have been horrible etc. and they fall out with me. Then I have no parent or sibling support so I avoid this now. I hate being the only girl in the family. It is the run up to Christmas and I am just feeling so sad about shit family relations. My lovely husband always tells me how it is and when I am in the wrong and he says this is a total bullshit situation.

OP posts:
AvoidingDM · 12/11/2018 09:44

Op I bet your brothers (& partners) are feeling the same thing. Do you think its worthwhile trying to build better bonds with them?

I don't even think it's the money and gifts thats bugging it, it's being pushed out in favour of the GF's family. If your brothers are good at getting o your case maybe the other way to deal with it is get them on your Dad's case.

Another way to really put the cat amongst the pigeons is to set your own new rule "I'm only buying for people who I'll see on Christmas DAY'.

Original poster
Gweipo · 12/11/2018 10:11

Yes, you are right Avoiding. I feel more pushed out now.

I think I like this ""I'm only buying for people who I'll see on Christmas Day" rule.

OP posts:
BlueOooChristmas · 12/11/2018 14:25

We have a rule between siblings that we buy for each others children only. This cuts out buying for 3 couples. However I could quite understand my mum saying she was only buying for kids (as we have 8 between us) and I would still buy for her. If not she'd be spending £100s on the kid and getting nothing in return.

Having read your updates I think this is more about feeling pushed out than the Christmas gifts. Oh and no one should ask for expensive gifts like that so you can absolutely tell him no to that.

KingLooieCatz · 13/11/2018 13:52

On both sides of the family, gift requests are usually around the £15 mark. Any more and it's suggested people chip in for it. Bit taken aback at the £100 and holidays flying around.

Original poster
Gweipo · 13/11/2018 14:06

Since my last post I have actually had strong words with him as he called me up and started banging on again about his and GF's presents off me. I actually lost it and told him since he never spends it with me I won't be buying big presents for them and be following his lead. I didn't want to lose it but he called me up about it!!!!

I am so over Christmas before it has even got started.

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 13/11/2018 14:19

Good on you op, that needed to be said.

Your dad sounds like a selfish, selfish man - your dh has the measure of him.

Angelkd · 13/11/2018 14:43

You are not in the wrong ,he shouldnt be telling you what gifts to buy esp at that price.dont let it spoil your christmas x

AcrossthePond55 · 13/11/2018 15:59

You were absolutely right to say what you did!

He's like a child! Gimme, gimme, gimme but I'm not going to do what I should.