Extended Family presents

[FoxInABox]

Just wondering what does everyone else do regarding extended family presents? Also, has anyone had to negotiate a new way of doing it when it started to get too much and how did that go?

In my family, we’ve always got each other a present (so my parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews) but now some of the ‘kids’ have become adults and have children of their own (great nieces & great nephews), which is making it more expensive each year. The kids that have become adults do not buy presents - at Christmas or birthdays for anyone else and seemingly view their parents presents to everyone else as from them also. I have to say this does wind me up a bit, and so I have tried to start negotiations on a new way of doing it from next year. As you can imagine this hasn’t gone down well with those who currently aren’t buying presents but are happily receiving them, as each option is either just buy for the kids or to do a secret Santa or similar that would involve them having to finally buy a present for someone. My children are younger but I have bought for my nieces and nephews all of their lives - since I was younger than they are now, but they are saying it’s unfair as my children are still under 18 so would still get presents under any proposed new rule- I don’t agree that it’s unfair as I have bought for all of them as I said all their lives, and I still am buying for them now they’re adults with their own children. I don’t expect people to continue buying for my kids when they are adults.

So, I’m wondering what systems people use? What is the most fair? And how do I go about starting this change?

I understand what you are saying and our family is similar in a sense but I don’t like the notion of buying gifts out of a sense of obligation that it sort of is. e.g. I bought them presents so they should buy my children presents or you should give gifts if you expect to get them.

I have come to a realisation recently that I will buy gifts for people if I want to. If I genuinely want to buy something for someone and will spend what I feel like spending otherwise I won’t bother. What’s the point?

I do get being annoyed at the now grown up children who don’t buy but expect gifts. I say either give them a gift because you want or or don’t bother.

OR you could suggest a secret Santa if you think you have the kind of family that would be up for that. I don’t think it would work in my family.

I buy for my parents, siblings and inlaws. Aunties and uncles and grandparents haven't bought for us since we turned 18. Instead they now buy for our children and not for us. My parents in turn buy for our cousins children but no cousins.
I don't recall a discussion about it, it just happened!
My cousin asked me one year if we were doing gifts for our kids between us and I said I'd rather not as they get enough. All has been fine!

In terms of what we do, we are kind of similar as I’ve said. I buy for my mum, dad and brother and husband, for example.

My mum has four sisters and we have always given “family” gifts to the household eg chocolates etc except when the kids were young they got money, usually £10, and it was almost always the same amount. There was the same thing of the “kids” getting to a certain age and then it seeming like they were “old enough”.

Now I’m married and in my own home, the first of the “kids” to be in that position, and I found last year I was treated a bit like one of the sisters. So for example the sisters gave me gifts as a separate household to my parents but then I also bought something for all of them. I will do the same this year.

I don’t buy for all of my cousins individually and they don’t for me. It depends on whom of them I’m close to at any given time to be honest.

For DH’s side of family, a bit different as he had four siblings, and they all have their own families. DH has typically bought for all of them individually but can be a bit hit and miss with it. They don’t really buy for us. MIL has previously given us M&S vouchers each and I have bought something for her this year. The kids usually get money for birthdays.

We've more or less stopped all gifts now apart from children (immediate nieces, nephews and Godchildren only) under 18 - and they all get a £20 note from Aunts & Uncles (teenagers). Grandparents give more generous cheques to the DGC.

Saves so much angst, hassle and money. We still enjoy getting together for nice meals, drinks, board games etc but none of us 'need' anything, we all are lucky enough to have comforable life styles and can treat ourselves to nice things ........... everyone seems happy.

Just do a Secret Santa lucky dip. One £10 present for those present on Christmas Day. Saves a lot of money and hassle.

Just stop. You have put it out there now. If they don't go for the idea of a secret Santa. Stop. I am truly stunned that grown adults, having had gifts all their lives would begrudge children a gift under your suggestion and to top it all, they are complaining having never ever returned a gift to you or your children. That alone would make me stop.

I would buy for the parents but not the others, use the money you would have spent to take your children to a film or a panto to make for it. After all you will have saved on the choosing/paying/wrapping.

You don't have to get them to agree, just decide yourself what you're doing and then do it. I agree with pp about buying out of obligation but I'm surprised that adult DNs haven't already either joined in the gift giving tradition or spread the word that they don't expect gifts anymore. I'd be mortified to accept gifts from other adults every Xmas and birthday yet not reciprocate!

Growing up we didn't receive gifts from aunts and uncles and didn't expect them. It would have cost them all a fortune as they almost all had bigger families. I think if you must do gifts for extended family then a token gift like a box of nice chocs is plenty.

We currently buy for DNs but I've been clear that I only do gifts until 18 and then something for 21st, 30th etc and I will stick to that. To be honest if I'd known we'd end up with 10 of them I might not have started . Agreed with siblings years ago that we'd stop buying for each other at Xmas and just token gift for birthdays eg wine, candle, chocolates.

Same here. This year, for the first time, I'm cutting back. Some will get token presents between them and their partners (£3 between them eg mini dip bowls pack), if I know they're coming to the evening party. Those I don't know are coming will get nothing. I haven't discussed this. Tbh they won't care. Also tbh its left me feeling a bit flat. I normally love thinking what I'll get everyone, now there doesn't seem to be so many to buy for! I think I buy presents because because iit gives me a challenge and pleasure. However I am sticking to my plan. Its like you say, they're twenties and thirties and have never got my kids a thing.

Either

• buy for under 18s only

Or

• buy for youngest in family, so over 18s get presents until they have their own kids, and then presents move down a generation

I like the idea of just stopping and not getting anyone to agree, I can just imagine how well that will go down though too- as badly as the discussion went! I really like the idea of youngest in family etc or just under 18s, and big birthdays. I’m surprised it has caused such a problem trying to discuss it- the adults with grown up kids are very against it although everyone else is happy with it.
I think the thing that’s annoyed me the most was one grown up child’s attitude about it- despite never having bought anyone else a gift, and them having their own children.
It seems such a tricky issue, and no matter what I do I feel like it will cause upset unless I stick to the current formula, and I’m not happy to do that now I’ve seen that reaction.

I know it's easier said than done Fox but you have to stop caring about how they might react. You're an adult and you get to decide how you spend your money. Nobody else gets to dictate that and frankly the attitude some of your relations have demonstrated when you proposed a change should actually help you to not care!

They've made it very clear they feel entitled to the money, time and effort you would spend buying for them yet they don't consider you worth the same . Of course you don't give to receive but with people as selfish as these you'd be an absolute mug to carry on. If grown adults choose to get upset because you didn't buy them a gift then that's up to them. Stick to your guns.

Once everyone got married we started doing secret Santa between siblings / spouses with a set budget. We then did a joint present (between siblings) for parents.

Now we just do presents for our parents and kids.

Meant to say one of my siblings suggested the secret Santa as the number of presents (and cost) was getting out of control. We all thought it was a great idea

Findingmywaytoday your family sounds much nicer than mine! I would be really happy with that way of doing things.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe you’re completely right. I need to stop letting people make me feel guilty for not doing what they want, which is a big part of this I think.

My sister and I stopped with presents a few years ago. We were basically exchanging £20 notes, and it seemed a bit daft. We buy for our parents, and for each others' DCs. Parents buy for each of us and for the GCs. It's been nice as it's much more straightforward.

DHs family buy for siblings, parents, and nieces/nephews, but spend more on their siblings than on the kids, which I find a bit odd. Also, they do literally just exchange vouchers.

I think there comes a point where someone needs to say "let's rethink this, it's getting out of hand". Scaling back is nice, in my experience, as it makes the day calmer - there's not the pressure to look delighted at a pile of presents, and it takes the focus off gift-giving and into just being together.

I absolutely would not expect my aunties and uncles to be buying me presents as an adult. One auntie did start buying my children gifts when they were born but I asked her to stop a couple of years ago as she now has 11 great nieces and nephews and it just gets silly. She still gets them a selection box as I think she feels guilty not getting them anything but at least she's only spending £1-2 per child rather than £15+ so it's not as bad.

Just say as of this year you are scaling back Christmas and have decided from now on you are unable to buy everyone gifts as there are so many. You decide who you can reasonably afford to and more importantly want to buy for and the rest will have to lump it. As someone said above no one gets to decide where you spend your money other than you.

Watching with interest.

We have a similar bit of nonsense on dh’s side of the family and I’ve hesitated to say anything because a) it’s his family and b) we’re the only ones with young children. Only the “children” get gifts despite the fact that some are in their mid twenties with no financial responsibilities, wearing designer clothes while we’re paying a mortgage and raising a family. Never mind reciprocating; this lot don’t even text to say thank you I really don’t want a pile of gifts for my dc either but any gentle attempts to rein that in result in re-doubled efforts from sil to fill my house with plastic tat she actually said that the whole point of Christmas for children is to get a massive pile of plastic that breaks almost immediately. (How do you negotiate with that???)

On the other hand the upside of the arrangement was being able to shop early. They don’t talk about Christmas, or agree spending limits, until mid December and dragging a child with asd through the shops in December is not fun.

In your case I’d suggest giving it a little bit of time. sometimes people’s immediate reaction to change is like a 2 year old shouting “no” to everything, and then backtracking when they realize you were offering a sweet. Give it a few days to sink in and see what happens.

Years ago I just announced (around September) “by the way I’m not doing presents anymore, do you want to do a secret Santa?”

My mum had already bought for the kids (???!) so it was half arsed for the first year 😬

Our secret Santa amount is very little, to be honest I don’t spend much on my dcs either, just one gift so it felt insane spending more on others.

I think your mistake is to discuss it. So much better to just do it.

Buy for the household. Box of biscuits or if you want to spend more buy a family board game. Then reduce it to a box of biscuits or selection box as the years go on.

Pull named

Oops. Names

buy for youngest in family, so over 18s get presents until they have their own kids, and then presents move down a generation

This is a great idea. I still receive presents from aunts and don't send them presents. They don't expect them as my parents will always give an expensive present from the 'family'. I now have a DS so am uncomfortable with them buying me presents, I would much rather them just buy something small for DS. We are a close family and until I moved abroad, always had Christmas together.

I have just agreed with BIL's wife that we will not do Christmas presents for each other when we are not together for Christmas, only for the kids.

We do a sibling secret santa and anyone with kids buys them an extra thing "from the extended family" if they want to. We still buy for our parents and they now give us money at Christmas and birthdays

My dads side of family do secret Santa (although me or my blsiblings have never been asked to participate. But this tends to be for my grandad, dad, aunty, her husband, their 6 children and their partners. So in total there is 16 people and the budget is roughly £25 to spend.
I guess my aunty and her husband had this idea because 6 children, 6 In laws and 13 grand children could get expensive. So they just buy for their grandchildren