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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

Extended Family presents

46 replies

FoxInABox · 04/11/2018 19:41

Just wondering what does everyone else do regarding extended family presents? Also, has anyone had to negotiate a new way of doing it when it started to get too much and how did that go?

In my family, we’ve always got each other a present (so my parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews) but now some of the ‘kids’ have become adults and have children of their own (great nieces & great nephews), which is making it more expensive each year. The kids that have become adults do not buy presents - at Christmas or birthdays for anyone else and seemingly view their parents presents to everyone else as from them also. I have to say this does wind me up a bit, and so I have tried to start negotiations on a new way of doing it from next year. As you can imagine this hasn’t gone down well with those who currently aren’t buying presents but are happily receiving them, as each option is either just buy for the kids or to do a secret Santa or similar that would involve them having to finally buy a present for someone. My children are younger but I have bought for my nieces and nephews all of their lives - since I was younger than they are now, but they are saying it’s unfair as my children are still under 18 so would still get presents under any proposed new rule- I don’t agree that it’s unfair as I have bought for all of them as I said all their lives, and I still am buying for them now they’re adults with their own children. I don’t expect people to continue buying for my kids when they are adults.

So, I’m wondering what systems people use? What is the most fair? And how do I go about starting this change?

OP posts:

Idontmeanto · 05/11/2018 18:05

I remember minding when my sil suggested doing secret Santa when i’d bought her kids gifts into their twenties and mine were, at the time, young teens. I don’t object to the principle though.

wombatron · 05/11/2018 20:17

I buy for immediate family, grandpa and BIL. And my husband. So 6 people. I've stopped buying gifts for friends kids the last couple of years, and I don't extend it past the family above. Christmas is cheaper and less stressful

Original poster

FoxInABox · 07/11/2018 14:03

Idontmeanto I think part of the reason some of my siblings are objecting is for the opposite reason to yours- my children are younger than theirs. Their children are now adults who have their own kids. I would hazard a guess that once my own children are adults and have children of their own, my siblings will soon want to change the rules. I’m more than happy to continue buying for the kids under 18, but I think they somehow think I’m suggesting swindling them despite the fact we’ve bought for them their whole lives- and in fact they’re all well over 18 now so will have been bought presents for longer than they would have to buy for mine if we now stop at 18, if that makes sense. Nothing has been resolved, I think everybody is reluctant to bring it up again, so I guess we will have to wait until next year. I am determined now to make a change though as their grabby attitudes have put me off completely, particularly my DN who declared they wouldn’t want to buy for any of us whilst being extremely vocal that we should still buy for them. If my siblings want to continue buying for everyone forever then that’s up to them.

OP posts:

IggyAce · 07/11/2018 14:14

In our family giving gifts stop at 18, the only adults I currently buy presents for is DH, DPs and my GF. My aunts stopped giving me gifts at 18 but they now give presents to my two Dcs.
I would just say from next year your cutting back and only give to those you want to or give a family gift.

Original poster

FoxInABox · 07/11/2018 15:14

That sounds exactly like what I would like to do, to me it makes perfect sense. Otherwise there will be a point when we are each buying for 30 or more extended family members- at the moment we are already at 20.

OP posts:

apostropheuse · 07/11/2018 15:32

I'm always amazed at the number of gift people buy for. My family stopped buying for adults a few years ago and it's so much better. I buy for my 6 grandchildren and that's it. My children buy for their own children, but not for neices and nephews. Everyone's happy with this and it takes some of the stress off people.

Original poster

FoxInABox · 07/11/2018 15:49

I think it gets out of hand very easily- I completely agree with Martin lewis when it comes to gift giving and the guilt that goes with it making it an ever increasing number of people you end up buying for.

OP posts:

Idontmeanto · 08/11/2018 06:37

Interesting Foxinabox. My nieces and nephews don’t have children yet. The previous generation have done quite a good job of establishing that adult-children-with-a-partner get a joint present and once their children come along they get the gift.

AvoidingDM · 08/11/2018 06:51

I think you decide what your rules are.
Whether it be you announce on DHs side we only buy for under 18s so doing the same on my side.

Or say I'm only buying for my siblings as the kids get far too much.

Decide who you want to stop buying great neices and nephews is bonkers.

Another option would be suggest rather than buying stuff have a family party out for dinner somewhere - child friendly!

Bellabutterfly2016 · 08/11/2018 13:46

My family is really small so not too bad but my best friend has a large family and about 4-5 years ago she suggested they all just buy for their own kids (she has 5!) and her siblings (2 sisters and a brother) all have kids.
They all meet up at Christmas and have a meal all together (all pay their own) and maybe go bowling 🎳 or something - she said she doesn't know why she didn't suggest it sooner!!!!!!!!!!!
I think secret Santa 🎅 is a great idea, it's not just about cost but the time taken to shop, wrap then all the extra stuff everyone ends up with in their houses!! Xx

DelurkingAJ · 08/11/2018 13:51

We never got presents from DDad’s family except for big birthdays...he was one of 7 so it would have been madness. DMum’s family bought for us until we left uni then (quite rightly, in my opinion!) reverted to buying only siblings presents.

DH’s family we do secret Santa at our generation which is fab. One really nice present rather than three random ones! They all buy for our DC (2 and 6) and I feel mildly guilty as none of them yet have DC but I’m assuming that will sort itself out over time.

KC225 · 08/11/2018 15:26

I still think you should make a stand THIS YEAR. I would not be dictated to be an ungrateful grabby nice. Why are you letting her control your wallet? Do a group email link the Martin Lewis video and state politely, that now they have had time to digest your initial/opening conversation this is what you will be doing. Name and shame the neice 'Grabby neice seemed disappointed that she will not be receiving presents from us but having provided gifts for 25 years we feel it is time scale back and concentrate on our children. After all Christmas is not all about presents. Hoping to see you all during the festive season'

Gweipo · 08/11/2018 17:13

If they throw a wobbly over it just start cutting back every year on what you buy them. Our families threw their toys out the pram when we said we were cutting back. They think because my DH has a good job that he should buy them all massive presents. I just started to reduce the budget for them year on year. Now I buy them something half the price of what I did 5 years ago. They have noticed, but not said anything but the cats bum faces say it all. I am yet to receive a present off any of them because again, since my DH has a half decent job, I clearly have too much already.

Original poster

FoxInABox · 09/11/2018 18:03

All very good points, you all reflect exactly how I feel so it’s good to know it’s not being unreasonable.
Gweipo we have a similar issue (another possible reason that some of the family have taken so negatively to my suggestion) in that they view us as the ‘rich’ ones in the family, despite the fact we live month to month ourselves. I think that is a good idea to reduce it and I will start this year.

OP posts:

Misty9 · 09/11/2018 18:25

On my side of the family we only buy for adults if we are seeing each other (maybe every 3/4 years) otherwise just the children. On dh side the adults still give us lists expect presents but I've asked him to have the conversation with his mum and only buy for the younger ones (dh half siblings).

We are also seen as the well off family amongst dh family...

With that kind of grabbiness from your nephew I'd be cancelling his present for sure! He'll be getting that attitude from his parents though...

I'm trying to cut back in general this Christmas but it's hard with young kids and lots of family!

AvoidingDM · 09/11/2018 21:17

Fox what so you want? Who do you want to ditch off the list?

Jist tell the family money is tight this year need to cut back
A) We are only buying for under 18s
B) I'm cutting out anybody with children
C) I want to exchange tokens with siblings only
D) Insert your own rule.

You either say now or January (my kids got too much stuff) so cutting back
A, limits the years you are buying
B, not everybody will have kids
C, Might be nice,
D,

poppyseed2 · 09/11/2018 21:38

Normally I'd say unfair to change the 'rules' so close to Christmas, and a lot of people more organized than me will have done their shopping. However, since these gifts have never been reciprocated I would just go ahead and make the change.

Original poster

FoxInABox · 10/11/2018 00:04

AvoidingDM ideally I would like to just buy for children or until they have their own kids then the present goes down a generation to their kids. I would also still buy for DM and DF. I’m open to ideas for my siblings of either secret Santa or token gifts. I wanted to find a solution that everyone was happy with so asked my family for their suggestions, to implement from next year as I get it is too close to this Christmas to change ‘the rules’ this year. It seems to have created a divide however, so I think pp’s were correct that making it a discussion was a bad idea, and I should have just announced what I was doing next year and then left it up to them to do what they wanted. It feels to me like things are set in stone in my family and making any change is difficult.

OP posts:

AvoidingDM · 10/11/2018 00:39

I think what I'd do is hand over gifts this year, cutting down to a token bottle of wine for couples with kids and buy just for the little kids. You can decide if you wish to keep the token or not.

I think its quiet cheeky for adult nieces and nephews to expect gifts for them, partners, kids and not even get your LOs in return.

Gweipo · 13/11/2018 15:07

One thing I am doing is converting gifts. So for example, instead of a present I am baking and then giving this with a bottle of wine.

If I get any negative feedback on receiving a thoughtful cake that took me ages to bake then I am going to be really sad and tell them my feelings are hurt and make them look really bad. The meanies

AliceRR · 17/11/2018 14:35

I am really considering just doing less this year. I buy things then feel like I need to buy more but ends up costing hundreds!

I’ve got specific things for my parents, brother, DH and some good friends.

For my aunties (mum’s sister’s) I’ve got them each a Yankee candle (6 for £20 deal on Group - you can’t choose the scents but I’ve got mine and they’re all nice - I recommend), a Caudalie beauty cracker and an “Angry Mother” oven cleaner also from Groupon which is meant to be a fun gift. Might also buy them some choccies but I don’t really need to

This is the first time I’ve bought good from Groupon by the way

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