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Original poster

Saying no to brother coming for Christmas?

35 replies

Funkyslippers · 16/10/2018 19:57

We had my brother over for Xmas day last year, it went ok but it meant I had to collect him from his house and take him home later (2 hours driving in total). We get on ok but he didn't lift a finger - just sat in the same chair all afternoon. I also had to cancel some charity driving I was going to do as it would have meant I was driving for another 90 mins on top of that. I think he will ask if he can come again but I'd like to do my charity driving as I missed it last year but don't want to be driving for over 3½ hours! I'd feel awful if he was on his own though. He can't really stay over as he goes out on Christmas Eve evening.

OP posts:
CrazyBaubles · 16/10/2018 20:09

I wouldn't say no, I would say he was very welcome but he would need to organise his own way to your house and back. From your post it doesn't appear he isn't able to do this, just that he won't because it doesn't suit his plans for Christmas Eve (obviously correct me if I'm wrong).

Perfectly fair to be happy to see him and host but not not fair of him to expect taxi service too!

Singlenotsingle · 16/10/2018 20:10

Tell him if he wants to come he has to organise his own transport. QED.

Haffdonga · 16/10/2018 20:16

Agree that you invite him but he chooses whether to make his own way or sleeps on the couch on Christmas Eve.

And give him a job so he can't sit there doing nothing. In fact give everyone a job, . A does the veg, B does the pudding, C sets the table etc. It makes it much more fun.

errorofjudgement · 16/10/2018 20:17

How about if he stays over on Christmas night so you don’t have to take him home?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/10/2018 06:39

Could you brother host Xmas for everyone at his house instead

continuallychargingmyphone · 17/10/2018 06:40

Blimey charity begins at home! Confused

Public transport isn’t exactly plentiful on Christmas Day!

ZenNudist · 17/10/2018 06:43

Havr him stay instead. Itd unfair to expect you to collect and drop off as well as host.

ZsaZsaMc · 17/10/2018 06:46

Does he have to go out on Christmas Eve? I would have him to stay on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day overnight so you’re not doing driving on Christmas Day / can do your charity drive.

If he would prefer to go out on Christmas Eve that’s his choice! He can’t expect you to run about after him on Christmas Day.

How old is he l?

ZsaZsaMc · 17/10/2018 06:46

He not he I*

NashvilleQueen · 17/10/2018 06:48

Can he drive and does he have a car? If not then I’m not sure how you expect him to do an hour journey with no public transport and taxi fares running at double fare.

Assuming he doesn’t have a car it does sound a bit odd that you would prefer to drive for charity purposes but not to allow him to join you on Christmas Day.

Could he stay over?

I get the impression that there may be more issues in your relationship which you haven’t set out.

continuallychargingmyphone · 17/10/2018 07:05

Posts like this just make me think people really don’t want lone adults at the table at Christmas. It’s just a way of ensuring they don’t feel bad; it’s about them rather than the other person in other words.

Actually tell him he’ll have to stay on his own because you didn’t like waiting on him and you are committed to your charity work. I’d rather know the truth.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 17/10/2018 07:10

Posts like this just make me think people really don’t want lone adults at the table at Christmas

It depends, doesn't it though - my brother is single, but he
-asks what he can bring
-clears away/washes up/peels veg/chases kid around/makes tea/empties dishwasher
-makes his own way to and from

He doesnt sit on his arse and not contribute at all, nor need a lift.

continuallychargingmyphone · 17/10/2018 07:13

Sure. But some people aren’t great at knowing when to pitch in and when to not do so. With my brother it’s different, but with a friend or acquaintance I wouldn’t just barge into their kitchen. If they asked me to do something I would. But I can just imagine not being asked and then being grumbled about.

So is it that guests are welcome if they help? Because genuinely I would rather know the terms and conditions so to speak of accepting dinner at somebody’s home.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 17/10/2018 09:20

Yes he possibly could stay over Christmas Day night. He doesn't drive. It's not that I would rather do the charity driving, it's just I've done it for 2 years and had to cancel last year as I was collecting him & taking him home. So I'd like to do it this year again as I feel so bad for letting them down last year. I don't see much of him and we're not close. He has a girlfriend so I might suggest he arranges something with her this year

OP posts:
Original poster
Funkyslippers · 17/10/2018 09:22

And yes I appreciate he might feel awkward pitching in and helping but just asking 'is there anything I can do?' would have been nice. He stayed with me for 2 nights earlier in the year and he was more of a hindrance than a help. He didn't even put his cans in the recycling or bring his coffee cup over to the sink!!!

OP posts:
merrygoround51 · 17/10/2018 16:33

Its Christmas for goodness sake. If he wont stay over Xmas eve then tell him you will collect him but he has to stay Xmas night as you cant spend the day driving.
We have always had family members who sit in the chair doing nothing, they are what they are

Number12 · 17/10/2018 17:42

OP this is your brother, why can't you just say, oi lazy get your mug in the dishwasher! Or just tell him the carrots need peeling.

Is he one of those that arrive expecting go be waited on hand and foot as he's a guest.... Tough he's family he can muck in!!

Methe · 17/10/2018 17:44

You just said “ you’re welcome to come but I can’t come and collect you. Why don’t you stay over on Christmas Eve?”

Then you’ll know what his priorities are and you’ll be absolved of any guilt.

KC225 · 18/10/2018 11:47

Agree with Methe above that single question tells you all you need to know. Also, have a word with him - give him a task, taking the kids/dog for a walk, peeling veg, laying the table, setting out glasses etc. Tell him to put cans in recycling, put cups in the sink. I wouldn't take that from my 11 year old twins let alone a grown adult.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 18/10/2018 15:58

Yes good thinking. Thank you for the advice. Last year I collected him around 12.30pm so the table had already been laid, food already cooking etc. He's a bit of a man-child so has everything done for him - eats out for all meals, as far as I'm aware has never cooked a meal in his life therefore no washing up required!

OP posts:
TheGhoulWhoOoOoLived · 19/10/2018 12:05

But he’s your brother! I would WALK 2 hours and back on Christmas Day if I could have my brother here

TheGhoulWhoOoOoLived · 19/10/2018 12:06

(Oh I reread that and it sounds like he is dead... which isn’t the case- I just meant if he was on his own at Xmas)

PiggyPoos · 19/10/2018 14:41

I'd let him come but ask him to sleep Christmas night too.

If he isn't very good at pitching in could you ask him to bring a specific thing or just say would you mind doing x or y?

SnuggyBuggy · 19/10/2018 14:51

If he can't make his own way to you I would give him a lift in your terms. If he would rather go out for Christmas Eve than have you drive him over then that's on him

gamerchick · 19/10/2018 14:53

But he’s your brother! I would WALK 2 hours and back on Christmas Day if I could have my brother here

Sorted OP, theGhoul has offered to take him for Christmas day Grin

Just tell him you can't taxi this year. So he's welcome to come but will have to make his own arrangements. Whether he stays over or whatever.

I sympathise, none drivers and this lift business is getting right on my tit ends so I might be projecting a bit.