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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

what would you do?

78 replies

pinklemonade84 · 14/10/2018 16:37

Ok, I don’t really want this to come across as an in laws bashing thread, but I’m feeling a bit upset to be honest

Myself and dh have always made it clear that we wanted to buy dd’s first bikes and that we were planning to buy her a balance bike for her 3rd birthday in April.

We’ve been at the in laws today and fil has just come out and announced that he has bought a balance bike for dd for Christmas.

I’m feeling a bit upset because it’s something that we really wanted to buy for her and that fil has form for this, where he will go out and buy things that he knows someone else is going to be buying.

So now I’m not sure what to do. We were planning on buying her a wooden toy kitchen for Christmas, but do I now put that on hold because I can’t think of anything else as a big present for her to be honest.

What would others do in this situation?

OP posts:

sparklyfee · 15/10/2018 20:18

When it comes to her bday tell FIL she's been after a family merlin pass. That's your years entertainment sorted

AvoidingMarking · 15/10/2018 20:18

Off topic, but we have the Asda wooden kitchen. I was really impressed with it.

My brother bought my daughter the pots and pans they sell too and her godmother some wooden food to match.

naivetyisthenewblack · 15/10/2018 20:24

You need to start playing him.

Casually drop into conversation that you're getting her loads of duplo / a ride on toy / a garden house

See if he gets it. Take bets with your OH on whether he will or not too, I would! Turn it into your entertainment.

If he does get the same as you, don't feel you have to keep it. MIL does this. She buys big things without asking. Not deliberately stuff we're going to get, but things like first bike etc. She got an unsuitable bike for DS's first bike and he was late learning to ride as a result.

Now I'v learnt, if she gets something unsuitable I don't let it stop me getting the one I want the DC to have.

Momasita · 15/10/2018 20:37

Op I know what you mean and to some people some things are special.

Of course your going to see bike buying as something you want to do if that's what your deceased parents did. I agree with poster saying don't get too hung up on what happened to you but it's reasonable enough to want to do some special things that are special to you with your own dc!!

Some people don't care who makes their dc bday cake, but some mums really want to make it themselves it's special to them, and they really don't like self appointed Mil cake makers.

Or mils who rush out and buy everything for the new arrival when not asked. Some people would be and are grateful but to some mums they want to choose and that's part of their excitement so who is anyone to judge that?

Those mums will also be cool about many things that matter to other posters.

My Mil has appointed herself main present giver too. She didn't used to ask and just give until one year, we got dd a certain gift (from fc) which she got here first, went to mils later and she brought the same thing.

(she told dissapointed dd she would get her something else but she never did.)
Now they ask.

Different pils as the unique humans they, we all are do come at things with different motivations.

Ours definalty have to be the best.... Mil gets very tetchy and touchy when we give gifts to our dc and when we thought we were doing a nice thing by asking her if she would like to do dd party cake... She got bad tempered when she saw we also made a cake for her actual bday!! Our own dd!!

We all get little clues as to people's motives...

Ragwort · 15/10/2018 20:44

Honestly, try not to over think this, my DC is a teenager now & I look back at cringe at some of the 'happy memory moments' I tried to engineer. . Just appreciate the bike for what it is, a very generous gift. Your DD won't know or care who gives it to her, and you could start dropping hints about other 'big ticket' toys you would like for your DD.

user450246 · 15/10/2018 21:48

Yes your strategy here is obvious if FIL is so predictable - talk up a big ticket item you do want him to get/it would be helpful for him to get. I do understand why it annoys a you (the cake analogy) but isn’t it better to bend the tendency to your ends rather than get cross and confront about it? At the end of the day he’s getting his gc a nice present

BasiliskStare · 16/10/2018 02:25

OP - I do sort of understand what you are saying - it was a thing you wanted to do. I had a similar thing before Ds was born , and had picked a cot I wanted for him. PILs bought one and delivered it without asking . I stamped my foot momentarily and then thought , Oh well , they are excited too & we used it. Saved us some money ( I do not mean that to sound mercenary) But - things sometimes seem not so important in retrospect.

We always had "Father Christmas" presents ( i.e. the biggest present ) with little children ( including me in the mists of time ) so could you possibly say that the bike is the big Father Christmas present, delivered via Grandad - would he agree to that ? and then she gets something else from Mum and dad. Otherwise I'd leave it and let him give it to her. I agree with others - she won't really care whose given what. & if there is something you feel strongly about giving her in the future - keep mum about it.
I think you can remember a lovely Christmas if you buy her a kitchen just as well as a bicycle. In fact on Christmas Day , other than the obligatory ride up and down the road , I reckon a toy kitchen will afford much the better experience - just make sure you get her the requisite pans for making perfect roast potatoes and then she can join in ( what is in our house ) the usual ( ahem) discussion as to how they should be done

I wish you well

acivilcontract · 16/10/2018 02:42

OP I agree with pp, your DC really isn't going to remember who bought her first bike, I fact she probably won't remember her first bike much if at all. I spent a long time obsessing over Xmas presents being perfect in the early years, honestly the DC don't remember any of them, the memories you are making are just for you.

acivilcontract · 16/10/2018 02:43

The toy kitchen from ikea wore really well and was well used in our house.

Ohanabanana · 16/10/2018 03:45

Ha this thread reminds me so much of when DCs were little and I wanted to buy their advent calendars but my mil made a big thing about how she wanted to be the one to buy advent calendars and bought them and presented them to dcs weeks before December. I felt so annoyed because I wanted to get traditional picture ones like I had when I was younger and she always got Thornton’s ones! Anyway, don’t know what the moral of this story is but I had to have a word with myself to not appear an ungrateful arse. Over the years the pils have bought some lovely gifts which we couldn’t afford ourselves and kids really don’t care about who stumps up the cash. Try not to spoil your relationship with your pils over something as insignificant as this.

PaulMorel · 16/10/2018 05:06

That is really annoying. Next time don't tell him what are you planning to buy for your dd.

BasiliskStare · 16/10/2018 05:42

So @pinklemonade84 This is not exactly what you are talking about but re " just want dd to have a magical time, I know it’s not about the amount under the tree, but in actual fact the quality and thought behind each item, the memories we will make playing together etc."

and it is not quite the same , but - my son is 21. Every year we have bought a new Christmas decoration to go on the tree and they are wrapped up and every year he has always " Oh I remember when we got this one " ( Of course now it's a little more low key given his age ) but of Christmas memories I think the tiny and not very expensive things we hang on the tree have lasted longer as memories than any present* & it wasn't done as a making memories thing - we just happened to buy one or two in earlier years and then it became a sort of tradition ) - I still buy him one every year and he is 21

*(Possibly with the exception of the yellow plastic pedal driven digger with working shovel - but that aside)

If the bicycles are important I would put folding money on her remembering a bicycle she can use in later years than her first. I know that is probably not the point . & Your FIL's attitude is something you need to deal / come to terms with. But I have to say , getting a kitchen on Christmas day when I guess you all might be cooking etc sounds fabulous to me.

BasiliskStare · 16/10/2018 05:45

I am with acivilcontract and ohanabanana - obviously I cannot comment on the important of the first bicycle in yoru circumstances but as I posted above, in hindsight some of the things I really remember were not those I thought they may be at the time .

Aus84 · 16/10/2018 05:58

OP totally get what you are saying. My in-laws used to do this for my children only they would get a different version of what we were going to get, or a different colour to what my DD/DS had wanted. I started having to lie and tell them that we had already had the big item ordered.

Now in lieu of big Christmas/birthday presents they pay towards a weekly activity e.g. DS's karate, DD's dancing etc They enjoy seeing them progress and knowing that they are a part of that.

P.S - if your DD is anything like mine was - she will enjoy the kitchen way more than the balance bike at that age.

Robin2323 · 16/10/2018 06:16

My ex bought our daughter a bike one Christmas.
Lovely I thought
She was never that interested
Step dad taught her how to ride it eventually.
She barely used it.
Some years later her younger brother got it - Almost brand new lol
The barbie house I got her was played to death though.

He's probably done you s favour
Maybe the bike things a red herring.
Maybe fil has boundary issues.

fraggle84 · 16/10/2018 08:06

The Ikea kitchens really good.

Something to think about for her birthday would be a good scooter, we use them much more than bikes as easier to pop in the car. I'd recommend a 3 wheeled one, the micro scooters are fantastic

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 16/10/2018 11:04

@fraggle84 I love the idea of a scooter as she tried to use the 2 wheel one that belongs to the little girl next door the other day, so I think that is something she would really like, thank you xx

@BasiliskStare I love the idea of buying a new special decoration each year, I might have to take that idea on top as I think dd would love being let loose in the decoration section

OP posts:

catshart · 16/10/2018 12:46

@Ohanabanana I'm having the exact same dilemma right now! This year will be the first year dc will be old enough for advent calendar, and she's decided she's buying one and gone and done it!
Pissed me off because I want to do it for my dcs, and I don't want them to end up with loads of advents because then they lose their specialness. I also wanted to get them a picture one.

Op I get exactly what you are saying, it's the principle of it all. I'm having the same issues already. Last year I said we would get a certain thing, and then they decided they would instead. I was like well it wasn't an idea for you, it was what I was getting
I try not to come across as ungrateful because their heart is in the right place. But they've had their kids, and did it all with them but they can't let go and see we want to do this with ours. Drives me mad

girlywhirly · 16/10/2018 13:13

John Lewis used to do accessories for the mini micro scooters, little bags to hang from the handlebars, water bottle holder, bell, streamers for the handles etc, I don’t know if they still do them. The DC across the road from us had fabric ‘dragons’ that fitted over the handlebars and the steering column but I don’t know who sells those. Personally, I think your DD will get much more and longer use from the scooter than the balance bike, I can see the bike being relegated to the loft/shed/garage after a few months. Of course, when it is no longer used you can sell it on!

Also the toy kitchen will be used a lot for a much longer time.

northlaine · 17/10/2018 00:06

Maybe you have to be really blunt then? Ie say: We want to buy this thing for DD - it's really important to us to get it and important to us we are the ones to buy it so whilst we know you love her / are the best GF etc etc please would you mind not duplicating?! Thanks for understanding - we knew you wouldn't mind... Then give a list of "other things you know she would love but you can't afford to get as well". Would that stop him?? Kill him with kindness but make it obvious that if he does it again he's basically being v inconsiderate to you?

quietly1 · 17/10/2018 12:21

I understand your disappointment, it sounds very irritating when you have carefully and thoughtfully planned a gift. But the scooter idea is a great one and really will get more use. Suck it up this year but as others said either don't mention it, or even better - use it to your advantage in future.
I kind of wish my mother and step father were like this with their gift buying. They have lots of money but their way of doing things is buying as much tat as physically possible.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 18/10/2018 19:32

I just want to say thank you for all of the suggestions, I really do appreciate it

Sorry I haven’t said thank you before now, we’ve got a poorly girl who’s come down with bronchitis and is currently on steroids, antibiotics and an inhaler

OP posts:

Angelcd · 18/10/2018 21:32

When my grandama was alive id say ideas what to get my kids and then she would steal my ideas ,diddnt bother me.maybe she just wanted to get something she knew that u wanted for your daughter,she maybe should have asked u first tho ,tbh i think a little girl would rather have a kitchen than a bike x

cookiesandchocolate · 18/10/2018 23:09

From my opinion, I bought a second hand balance bike for a fiver and my 2 year old (3 in Feb) loves zooming around on it for the last couple of months.

It is shit when you want to do something especially for your DD but honestly she will much prefer the kitchen and the bike is useful to start asap (although I'm aware all kids are different as my eldest is only getting to grips with it now and I wish I'd started her on the bike much earlier)

It sounds like your FIL is keen to do his bit as he wanted to get it last year also. If this is a one off then I would let it go this time

cookiesandchocolate · 18/10/2018 23:11

Also make sure you get the helmet of choice and don't let FIL interfere with that part

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