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Original poster

what would you do?

78 replies

pinklemonade84 · 14/10/2018 16:37

Ok, I don’t really want this to come across as an in laws bashing thread, but I’m feeling a bit upset to be honest

Myself and dh have always made it clear that we wanted to buy dd’s first bikes and that we were planning to buy her a balance bike for her 3rd birthday in April.

We’ve been at the in laws today and fil has just come out and announced that he has bought a balance bike for dd for Christmas.

I’m feeling a bit upset because it’s something that we really wanted to buy for her and that fil has form for this, where he will go out and buy things that he knows someone else is going to be buying.

So now I’m not sure what to do. We were planning on buying her a wooden toy kitchen for Christmas, but do I now put that on hold because I can’t think of anything else as a big present for her to be honest.

What would others do in this situation?

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Veganfortheanimals · 15/10/2018 16:28

Bloody hell,I've read another thread like this lately,you people must have more money than sense....surely you greatfuly recive the gift and save your own money for something else ...unless ofcourse money grows on trees in your garden?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 15/10/2018 16:31

@Veganfortheanimals maybe take a look at my last post where I say that we don’t have a lot of money, so I have to plan and try to get the most out of it for dd!

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E20mom · 15/10/2018 16:33

I would have just said (lied) straight away and told them you'd already bought one. So they'd need to return theirs and get something else.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 15/10/2018 16:34

I just want to make it clear that I haven’t been ungrateful towards fil. Yes I’m disappointed and upset, dh is angry because fil always needs to be centre of attention and the first to do anything special with dd! But we haven’t let that show and we most certainly won’t be stopping dd from using it or changing our original plans to get her a play kitchen.

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MNOverinvestor · 15/10/2018 16:37

Your DD won't know or care who provided the bike, she will remember the people (you and your DH) who taught her how to use it.

If I'm honest, I wouldn't get too hung up on always doing things exactly the same way as your parents did - it can be a mental straightjacket. Incidentally, could FiL be aware of you not having much money and thinking that he's helping by buying it?

sparklyfee · 15/10/2018 16:46

I'd just gratefully accept the bike and put the money towards something else. DD won't know or care, she'll just be happy she has presents!

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 15/10/2018 16:46

@MNOverinvestor honestly I wish that was the case, I think it would make it easier to just forget about and get on with if that makes sense? Fil is one of those people where if you get something, he has to go one better. He has to do everything with dd first, with no thought to dh or myself wanting to do things with her.

I wish it didn’t come across as this huge competition. But, liked I’ve tried to explain (probably not very well), we don’t have a lot of spare money, so I do try and put as much thought into things as possible and plan as much as I can. Which is why I had agreed with dh to do the kitchen for Christmas and bike for her birthday

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sparklyfee · 15/10/2018 16:49

He might think he is helping. And really, if you don't have much money and want a balance bike then he is helping!

Better than buying her a load of junk you don't want or not bothering with her.

Just don't tell him what you are buying her if it's bothering you that much.

Let him buy the big stuff and use the money to take her to fun places instead

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 15/10/2018 16:54

I think another way I can describe it too is that mil said that she REALLY wanted to buy dd a doll and a pram this year. So, even though they were on our list of possibilities for dd, we held back and let mil buy this for dd as we knew it meant a lot to her. And to be honest, it hurts to think that fil can’t be bothered to show the same care and consideration to us over something that meant a lot to us

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Wait4nothing · 15/10/2018 17:05

I’d just change what you buy - if money’s tight and space is limited - get pil to buy toys and you buy experiences (annual pass to local attraction is best - zoo, farm, children’s theme park) - that way they get the toys but also trips that you may not be able to afford day to day.
Wooden kitchen - Aldi is lovely! Looks great. Wilkos do lovely food to go with it.

KittensAndCake · 15/10/2018 17:14

I just don't get this at all Confused He's her Grandad, let him buy her it and get her something else for her Birthday. It's not a competition.

I'd cheerfully accept the bike, leave it on the spare room to gather dust and give my own as planned in April

That's just really mean and weird Hmm

MNOverinvestor · 15/10/2018 17:18

pinklemonade I've had competitive relationships in my family so I'm sympathetic but I think you're worrying unnecessarily. Who buys what, I eventually realised, didn't matter - children really don't remember or care who bought them what. (After about 10 minutes).

Their childhood will be defined by the people who loved them in all their different ways. It's sad that your FiL is such a pain and you feel it so much but you're not going to be able to change him. What your children will remember is that you took them to the park, bandaged the knees, cheered them when managed to cycle. I know it sounds sentimental but it's true. Those are the values your kids will remember and are - frankly - the important ones.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 15/10/2018 17:23

@KittensAndCake you’re not getting what I’m saying, he’s the one who seems to see it as a competition as he’s always been the same

The only reason he was aware we wanted to buy the bike was because he tried to buy it for her last year and we said that it was something we were wanting to do and that we would probably leave it until her birthday. Weird how he’s suddenly bought one the Christmas before the birthday we had planned to aim for Hmm

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user450246 · 15/10/2018 17:29

I’m not quite getting this - I’d be glad not to have to spend the money and I’d buy something for myself if dd’s got her main present - perhaps you should treat yourself and tell FIL you have done as you’d been saving for months for the bike.

I’d encourage it - you don’t have spare cash, as long as the gifts are planned and delivered and he doesn’t renege, why fight it?

Didiusfalco · 15/10/2018 17:34

Your fil sounds like a bit of a dick, but honestly your 3 yo won't really register who has bought her what. If she is anything like mine, she won't give it much thought at all, particularly with all the chaos and excitement of Christmas, and Father Christmas in the mix as well. Plus the other thing I've realised over the years is that the thing you think will be the great present they love often isn't so fil probably won't get the shine he is expecting.

KittensAndCake · 15/10/2018 17:37

The only reason he was aware we wanted to buy the bike was because he tried to buy it for her last year

So it was his idea first? I just think you should count your lucky stars your DD has doting GPs that love her and are willing to buy nice presents, lots of kids don't Sad

sparklyfee · 15/10/2018 18:06

I also noticed it was his idea to get one before OP told him about it. He probably didn't realise it was such a big deal who bought what.

He respected your wishes a year ago not to buy her a bike and as a long time has passed since then could've forgotten what you'd said?

You seem really touchy about him. But at least he's showing interest in his GC. I'd go with the annual pass idea as presents from you. Something to look forward to all year if you are short of money

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 15/10/2018 18:15

actually @KittensAndCake it’s something that we had been speaking about for a while and myself and dh agreed that we would wait until this coming birthday. So no, it wasn’t fil’s idea first as you put it

Yes I’m aware that some children don’t have grandparents that love them and want to buy things for them, but that’s not a very fair thing to say when both of my parents have passed away. I’m not objecting to him buying presents for her, I’m objecting to him buying things that he knows full well we had planned to buy for her!

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sparklyfee · 15/10/2018 18:24

I think you've misunderstood kittens there. She wasn't referring to kids that don't have grandparents due to them passing away. She was referring to the GPs that are alive and well but don't care about their offspring at all 

Honestly, you're overthinking the bike thing. You did say in an earlier post that he wanted to buy her one (so his idea) but that you told him no, that you were going to wait a year and get her one for her bday. He probably didn't think it mattered who bought it. Because in the end it really doesn't

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 15/10/2018 18:36

I know she didn’t mean children with grandparents that had passed away. It came across as a comment intended to guilt trip me to be honest

It wasn’t his idea, it was something that we had been planning for ages. He’s done this with other big token items in the past that we had planned to buy and we let slide. But, why should we continually let it slide?

I’m not going to stop dd from using the balance bike as that would just be petty. But I think from now on, I’m not even going to engage with fil when it comes to things like this as he will just try to upstage us all the time and that is what’s so frustrating

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northlaine · 15/10/2018 18:57

I'd tell him she's desperate for

user450246 · 15/10/2018 19:14

yes i agree with northlaine, why can't you simply ask him to buy a high priced item she'd like, and get your DD something else she'd also like? My parents often spend a lot more on the DC than we do, and I'm grateful because it saves us a lot of money and the DC don't care who got them the thing.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 15/10/2018 19:54

I did give them plenty of ideas, for example, she is obsessed with Paw Patrol at the moment, so I said anything related to that would go down very well

What I’m trying to get across is that it’s so tiring having to deal with this. He doesn’t ask if he can get her something, he just announces that he’s going to do it, and even if we say that it was something we had planned to do, he still goes ahead and does it anyway, despite our alternative suggestions. So it’s not even as if we bring it up in conversation for him to go and try to beat us to it if that makes sense?

I just want dd to have a magical time, I know it’s not about the amount under the tree, but in actual fact the quality and thought behind each item, the memories we will make playing together etc. But, wanting to get the quality right is part of why I try so hard to plan and get things within budget that we know she will like

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sidsgranny · 15/10/2018 20:00

She certainly won't remember who bought her balance bike so I really wouldn't stress. A kitchen sounds a much longer lasting gift and one that she'll use more.

When is her birthday? My DS is May and we always found bikes to be a better b'day than xmas present for him as he got to use it more straight away.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 15/10/2018 20:11

@sidsgranny her birthday is April, we had the same way of thinking as you that bikes would have been better for her birthday

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