How would you do this?! Need advice!

[boobicle]

DH has four children. We have a budget of £150 per child. Usually about £120 for presents and £30 for the stockings each.

I have several dilemmas.

1. DH always has to make sure each child has to have the same amount of presents and the same money spent on each child. Which is becoming increasingly difficult the older they get. For example DC14 & DC12 both wants things that are quite expensive now whereas DC7 & DC10 don't necessarily. They usually have between 10-20 Presents each which isn't working anymore as DC14 & DC12 end up with a bunch of cheaper stuff that they don't actually want just so they have the same amount as the other two DC.

1. For the DC; Christmas is literally only about presents. They don't even bother to look at the tags to see who the presents are from. We constantly have to remind them. They don't say thank you, etc.

DH always insists on letting them open all their presents when they wake up at like 6am and by 9am everything has been unwrapped, played with and they're bored already.

I've proposed before having stockings and one present in the morning and then making the rest of the presents last throughout the day to be opened but DH doesn't agree.

Anyway my dilemma here is that DH and I also have a DC now and I don't want my DC to have the same attitude to Christmas and presents. I want the greater spirit of Christmas and the meaning to be respected and appreciated. I'd rather my DC had five presents than between 10-20 because I don't want it to be all about the presents. Does that make sense?

Oh my. That was long. Sorry

I'm between the two of you.

We have tended when younger to make the number of presents the same, and the overall value. But don't go daft on it, and recognise that one year one may get something more expensive, but it evens out in the end. A couple of times we put some of DD2's presents into a shoe box and called it '1' present to make the piles look more even.

We also spread out presents throughout the day (and sometimes to boxing day too). We make sure tags are looked at and things appreciated.

However we don't 'limit' the number of presents. They end up with what they end up with.

I would go softly, softly, on this. You can gradually change stuff over 5 years and still be where you want to be when your shared DC is 5 or 6. By which time the next youngest will be 12 and the others teenagers.

Find something to compromise on. e.g. half presents in morning, half after lunch 'to spin out the magic'.
Or just do it for youngest DC baby. Maybe keep 1 present back for all the others, so when they see baby getting more after lunch (and complain?) you can say 'well, you had most of yours first thing, but I did keep something back', and then start to shift things?

For youngest, don't spend money for the sake of it, but if things have to be 'even' put some in a savings account.

The older dc are old enough to understand the concept of a budget, i.e if they want one item @ £50 that constitutes 1/3 of the total. 5 items @ £10 each would be the same. TBH I'm shocked that at 14 this isn't already apparent.

Re your own dc, I assume this is the first / second Christmas as you're only just facing this dilemma? If so, just buy the 5 things you want them to have and space out the opening (makes a lot of sense to me!). By the time your own dc is old enough to know what's going on perhaps his older dc will be better able to compromise 'their' way of doing Christmas?

Although tbh, I am in my mid 30s and to my mind there will only ever be one way to have Christmas and that's the way I've always done it. Now I have my own dc and i feel as strongly about that as ever. I guess it's just one of those things that some people really care about maintaining their traditions and those people aren't likely to be much up for compromise!

They don't need the same amount as they get older. They know that their smaller presents will cost more.
Can you keep a few presents back for the afternoon so they're not all opened first thing?

The older ones are old enough to understand value over number of presents in a pile. They sound spoilt and entitled, sorry!

The youngest won't give a monkeys about the presents, wrap up an empty box and stuff it full of paper. They'll play with it for hours and stick what you would have spent in a savings account.

I don’t understand why they need the same amount!?? Even when my twins were smaller I didn’t work out an amount to spend and certainly didn’t count how many they got each. I just got them things they would like. They were never ungrateful or noticed a difference.

@Pinkgeorge I never understood it either but my DH has always insisted we have to spend the same amount and they have to have the same amount of presents because otherwise they'll moan.

@ileclerc Yeah.

DC12 always asks for Lego sets that are £100+ and DH always refuses to get them for him as he wouldn't get any other presents as it's the top end of our budget so if we got him one, that's the only present he'd have. In a way, DH is kind of right because I think tbh, DC12 would be really angry and upset if he had only one present and his siblings had more despite cost.

Let them moan, sorry but they sound like entitled brats. Do they get the same again from their DM?

I've always spent the same on each child.
If one wanted a big present I'd say yes but that's your budget.
Nominate a present giver, one present handed over and the tag looked at, appreciated.
Then the next pressie etc
I hate the pile in situation.

@AlevelConfusion Yep. Same again from DM. If not maybe a bit more from her tbh.

Then there's DH's family. They always get the kids loads too and obviously their DM's family do too.

Why not have a conversation with them about the cost of larger presents and if the older ones really want an expensive Lego set then they need to understand they won't be able to get lots of other things. Mine used to prefer that arrangement than lots of tat. Obviously give them stocking fillers like chocolate etc to unwrap too.

@woolduvet I've stopped writing tags from DH and I. We just do all their presents in a different wrapping paper each and write their initial on the bottom in sharpie. They then dive in; retrieve all their presents and open each one barely glancing at what the present was inside the previous bit of paper.

We have to consistently remind them to look at the tags from extended family and say thank you, etc.

Wow. I've never compared the cost.
The year that my eldest asked for a sledge from FC that's what she got (£6.99) as her main present with a big bow. She could not have been more pleased.
It's about the magic for the little ones, not the price.
If a 12yo wants £100 lego then (provided it is affordable at all) that should be the main gift and the other 15 or so presents could be socks/smellies/stationery etc; ie things you might buy anyway.

But I've never gone for the big heap: we used to fill out the on-line FC letter where you could specify three things you really wanted. Then FC would bring one, I would get one and their Dad would get one (ie I would and put his name on it). Plus a lovely stocking . Other things were from relatives or something for the whole family.

I guess that once you have started big heap it's impossible to go back until they are old enough to talk to about it. The eldest at least should be old enough by now, then the 12yo may want to make a more grown up choice too.

@Andtheresaw that's just it. As this is how it's always been, I don't think there's anything I can do now to change it without causing a lot of upset

In our house we open the Santa gifts at silly o clock, and it’s all chaos and excitement and diving in and tearing off paper and rushing from one to another. It’s fun. So I’m with your DH on that part.

Then we have breakfast, get dressed, go to mass and they play while I get dinner ready.

Before dinner we open family gifts, one at a time. It’s almost ceremonial. Either myself or DH pick out the gifts from under the tree and they get passed to the recipient. We all wait to see what it is. They thank the giver and on it goes.

I was a bit when DH insisted on this as I thought it sucked the fun out of Christmas but I’ve come to see the advantages:

There’s an emphasis on gratitude
The dc give gifts as well and want to see if they’re well received and have a chance to explain what it is if it’s home made.
It’s as much about what other people get as about what you get

But best of all, it means that when the dc are bored with their gifts, there’s a fresh wave just when the grown ups are winding down. They can leave the table once they’ve finished leaving us to linger on for another hour, and then roll into the living room for a snooze.

I think if you approach this as an I’m-right-you’re-wrong situation you’ll get nowhere. And taking the moral stance that the dc are ungrateful will only polarize the discussion. Try and approach it as another way of doing things. And point out the advantages. See if you can sell it.

Sorry, meant to add that it can be a combination of both approaches rather than a my way or your way

@Alanamackree What you have just described is pretty much what I suggested to DH we do. The excitement of opening the stockings in the morning but then the anticipation of having to wait a bit longer for the rest of the presents, etc. As children can be impatient I can understand why that wouldn't appeal to kids initially but in the long run it works as you get to extend the present opening, fun, excitement, etc!

It was a massive no from DH. Said I was being mean to make them wait.

We really try to make sure that they have stuff they can actually play with on Christmas Day. We’ve streamlined dinner so that we can be assembling Lego with them etc. That minimises the ‘opened all the presents, bored now’.
We also go out for a walk, ideally using a new present, scooters or walkie talkies for example.

Could you hand over autonomy to the dc, giving them a set budget that they decide how to spend on themselves?
A more mature take on a Santa wish list if you know what I mean.

@Alanamackree Oh, I really like that idea but I suppose it wouldn't be a surprise would it if we did it that way?

Seems like they're beyond help OP. Just do it your way with your littlun and let the Dudley Dursleys get on with it

If your DH is completely intransigent then getting the dc to do something different might get a wedge in the door this Christmas, that you can work on next Christmas.

How old is your youngest dc?

Could you retain a portion of the budget for a surprise, or maybe do the stockings as the surprise. Or you could have that as an option they could put on their list if it’s important to one of them.

I think that your ds who wants the big lego set is the weak point in the defenses!!

@AlevelConfusion Poor Duddykins