don’t want another Christmas at the in law’s

[pinklemonade84]

We were at home for all of 3 hours yesterday, long enough for dd (2 next year) to open and play with some of her toys. And then we had to rush across to the in law’s for dinner and the rest of the day. Dh decided that we should stay there for the night so that we could both have a drink, not have to pay an extortionate taxi fee and dd could go to bed at her normal time.

I always knew that it would be a difficult day with it being the first since losing mum back in January. But I honestly didn’t realise just how difficult it would be and kept having to take myself off to the spare bedroom for a cry. I kept getting comments if I gave dd a chocolate, or if I got myself a fresh drink (from the supplies that I had taken with us) and just generally made to feel unwelcome and in the way

We’ve been home for a few hours and have spent that time taking the tree down so that we could organise the living room to fit in the ridiculously big toys that have been bought by the in laws for dd (despite them knowing we have very limited room).

I sent mil a picture saying we had taken the tree down so we could start organising and got some horribly snotty comments back that it was still Christmas and why didn’t I wait until new year. I said it was because the front room was cluttered and that it hadn’t really felt like Christmas this year and she replies with “Good job you only have one child just think if you had 2 or 3”. I’ve ignored it as I feel like she’s not really taken on board how I feel given the circumstances. Dd doesn’t know the difference this year and I’m hoping that next year I will feel more festive and happier to keep things going for longer.

Anyway, I mentioned to dh would he like to try something new next year meat wise and he frowned at me as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. So I asked if we would now be expected to go to his parents every single year from now on and his reply was “probably, knowing them”.

Now, I really don’t think it’s fair of us to be expected to drag dd away from her toys every year. I’d like to be able to do our own thing, start our own traditions. But, I can see this going down like a lead balloon and causing so much resentment. Dh says when they were children they never went anywhere in Christmas Day, people always came to them. Why should I be expected to fall in line and do what they want every single year?

Sometimes one needs to cause resentment. Some people never get what they want because they are always the one trying to avoid conflict. While everyone else merrily gets what they want because they ask for it.

One year is for you, one for DH. He's had his. Next year you choose. If he sulks and whines and argues to get his way, I would be seriously considering why my DH cared so little for me.

What does he say when your ILs give you nonsense for having a drink?

He was joining in. Commenting that I’d had more to drink than him. I had 5 cocktails, but with minimal alcohol as I hate being able to taste it. It was like he was keeping count, even though it’s been years since I had a drink because of being pregnant and breastfeeding

I'd say that nows the time to start having Christmas in your own home. You are a family, and like you say, you can start your own traditions (that hopefully involve being allowed to eat and drink what you like ). Your DH has to appreciate that he can't always have it his own way every year.

Christmas at home from now on, I would text mil ASAP telling her just that. Then she has a year to accept your new plans for your family. And tell dh as YOUR dh, not hers, that his place is in his own home with his own dc.
Since he is as disrespectful as her for not sticking up for you then next year is your way to ensure YOU get a Christmas.
Or he can buggar off to her house for good.

I think you have your own family now. It’s time to take a stand invite them over at some point either to share lunch if you have room or if not for a coffee and slice of cake just before, just after or whenever fits in with your plans.
We have always spent Christmas Day on our own since having kids and used to be expected to whizz off to in laws (3 hours drive away minimum) every Boxing Day. It kind of spoiled Christmas Day eve. We always got stuck in Boxing Day sales traffic as they live close to a main shopping centre. One year it took over 6 hours to get there. MIL knew this and she asked if I had been to the sales today. No I have been stuck in traffic since breakfast then here I thought.
The same year she did a buffet with nothing suitable for children to eat then did a main meal of beef in red wine and all veg in garlic butter for two under two’s to eat and complained that they didn’t eat shallots or mushrooms. She had the heating on full, fire on full both our DC both babies were listless and we were all very red in the face. I had to strip them down to nappies to cool off. After that I invited them to ours but they wouldn’t come as guess what they liked to stay at home over Christmas.

Once we had DC, DH and I decided that Christmas was for being in our own home so that DC could open presents, play with them and not be bundled around the country. We spend a lot of time the rest of the year travelling and, quite frankly, don't want to spend the holidays driving hundreds of miles.

We also wanted a chance to have our own Christmas traditions for our children.

We told both families before the summer, it wasn't a huge announcement, just a statement of fact. Anybody and everybody is welcome to come and join us, people can stay if they wish and we will feed anyone that wants to come.

There were a few grumbles but it was generally accepted. Some years we have had a house full of people and chaos and other years we have been on our own which is fine.

Be polite but be firm. Give the in-laws enough notice that next year will be different and be willing to play host if they would like to join you.

Note - this works if you and DH are in the same page - more difficult if he just wants to go along with his parents.

My late FIL had a very useful phrase for these situations. It was ‘How does fuck off grab you?’ I find myself employing it more the older I get

Don't text your MIL about next Christmas - that's unnecessarily aggressive. Just don't respond to this or to your DH's comments.

Truly, that was a shit Christmas but it is done. Let it go. And the tree and the disappointment. Let it all go.

Next year it will all be different but do not try to have that conversation now. Sometime around June/July just tell your DH that you are going to do Christmas at your house. If you want to be nice, you can invite the in laws to you. Ignore all complaints.

Why are you sending her pictures and giving her the opportunity for yet more arsery? She's his mother. Let him deal with her but if you don't want to go every single year make it clear now or you will be.

Apart from that unasked for large presents would have been staying at the IL's for a visit treat when mine were small. Fell for that one once and burned with resentment for years...

I sent the picture because I thought she would be pleased that we were making the room for the presents that they bought

I’ve just brought it up with dh again next year and said if he doesn’t want to cook then I will happily save and book us a meal out somewhere. He’s actually said that he would be more than happy to cook here for us and do what we like food wise for a change

Do whatever you and your DH want...we decline an invite to both sets of parents every year and do our own thing, just the 4 of us on Xmas Day (2 and 4yr old), as I refused to drag the kids away from their toys. Our routine now is...Xmas Eve see one set of grandparents and exchange and open presents. Christmas Day on our own, but treat ourselves to going out for lunch, so no cooking just playing with the kids. Boxing Day at our house but with other set of grandparents to exchange and open presents. It means present opening is spread out over 3 days but makes it more manageable, but most importantly we have plenty of time to spend with the kids on Xmas day going through what Santa brought. My parents completely accept this and are happy for us. DH's parents still get a bit huffy and sound surprised when we decline a Christmas Day invite...but hey, ho, we've got to do what works best for our family now.

Well he's part of the issue then! Just tell him next Christmas is at home and ride it out. Don't give in.

We don't go anywhere on Christmas Day! I'm the mum now and I have two small children who wake up in their own house every Christmas and relax all day. No rushing about, no long journeys. 4yo DD stayed in her PJs all day yesterday, played with her new toys and ate far too much chocolate. Family are welcome to visit us but I've told both sides that we won't visit them. My DP don't have room to host us anyway so aren't put out and my PIL are the most chilled out people I know. As long as we see them at some point between the 24th and the 1st they aren't fussed.

X-Posted! Sounds good. Stay home!

I think it’s awful that this was the first Xmas without your mum and your H and PIL did fuck all to help you get through it.

You’ve dine your bit this year, TELL your H that next Xmas you’ll be staying at home with your dc.

Just mention in passing that you think MIL had it right and staying at home with dc so they can play etc is the right way to go.

Tell both MIL and dh that you’re going to take a leaf out of her book and stay home next year and from now on as you agree dc should be home to play with presents.

You have all the cards, her Son and Grandchild and ML knows this and probably feels threatened. Whatever you do next will set the scene for the next 20 years so you need to give it some time and give it a lot of thought? You love her Son so you have common ground, but you need to be fair but firm with both of them. Discuss Christmas with your partner in a few months time when it's not so raw, Christmas day at yours and Boxing day with ILs could work well or even alternate years. Don't pass the buck speak to ILs together and tell them this is what you both want to happen for your new family life together. Work as a team and Be united but Be kind too, they are his parents and important in his life. Remember ML was a DL once upon a time and probably had a ML to cope with too!

I wouldn’t even mind skipping a drink until later in the evening so that I could go and collect them and they could come to us for a few hours in the afternoon (if they wanted to). So, I might offer that as a compromise.

I asked dh what they used to do on Christmas Day and he says mil’s parents would come to them for dinner and then he would walk round to fil’s parents for an hour or so in the afternoon (it was never expected, he’s just close to fil’s Parents).

He agrees that it’s not going to go down well. But, he’s excited about getting a nice joint of beef and doing Christmas dinner his own way

Definitely do it your own way. I am married with young DC and sick of being ordered about. Last year drove one hour in one direction only to turn and go 45 mins another so both parents saw grandchildren - then dh wants church (fair enough)
No drink, crackers or gravy.. Bored out of my brains at dh then critical fake mother being nice for once but knowing that wouldnt last...
Nope this year. We had it ourselves. Absolutely lovely.

I wouldn’t even mind skipping a drink until later in the evening so that I could go and collect them and they could come to us for a few hours in the afternoon (if they wanted to). So, I might offer that as a compromise.

Why on earth would you when they are unpleasant to you?

Because both of my parents have passed away and I would give anything for one last Christmas with them. Yes they might be critical of me, but, I love their son and his feelings matter to me

I'm so sorry about your Mum. I lost my lovely mum last year and the first Christmas was so painful. This one has been marginally better but not really, I think the sadness is always there.

I've decided next year we are staying home. We have a 1 & 2 year old and it's been a nightmare carting them around and missing naps etc. I think people should come to you if you've young kids as it's such a faff in not.
Sounds like DH is on board. MIL sounds like a bit of a dick. Text her back and say you're really missing your mum today so go easy on you!!!

I would have been so tempted to tell her something along the lines of,, "I'll remember that after you drop dead ... no reason not to be joyful during the holidays."

Your DH should be more supportive and stopping his mother's vile digs and comments.

We’re set on not leaving our house on Christmas Day next year. Dh is in full agreement with me. So there’s going to be some sulking. But, mil was never expected to go anywhere on Christmas Day so she shouldn’t be expecting us to do the same.

Time to start a savings pot ready for a decent food shop for us for next year

I fully understand where you are coming from OP. I have some issues with my PILs who never make any effort to come and see us, and have never once offered to babysit since our DDs have been born (despite me knowing they do this regularly for our nephew - SIL and BIL's son). We live about a 45 min drive away. They are both in good health and own a car each, and FIL is now fully retired, and MIL only now works 3 days a week (by choice, not necessity), so at more than capable of coming to us, they just choose not to. They however always expect us to go to visit them every couple of weeks or so. The past year doing this has been particularly difficult as we now (as of Nov 2016) have a toddler and a baby to transport everywhere, which means going to visit them for a couple of hours means taking tonnes of crap and having to navigate around nap times etc, and it would be such a massive help if they would just come to us sometimes.

Things came to more of head for me earlier this year as my Dad was dying. His death was distressing as he was in a lot of pain (cancer) and also very confused due to early-onset dementia and delirium after his kidneys failed. I was trying to help my mum care for him at home every day at one point, which is not easy with a 2 year old and a 5-month old baby (who was breastfeeding) to try and look after at the same time. They never once gave me any help and I admit to a lot of bitter feelings towards them, especially as my Dad adored our DDs and would have done anything to have been able to be around to see them grow up, when PILs have the same opportunities and can't be bothered.

Every Christmas we are expected to go and visit at some point. In the past few years MIL has decided to do a big dinner on Boxing day for all extended family etc, so we've gone then. This year however I was working Boxing day (I'm a nurse) as well as Christmas eve, so me, DH and the DDs only had Christmas day together anyway. In previous years even if I've been working over Christmas I always have made an effort to go and see them at some point, even if it's been inconvenient. This year I just decided I'm not doing this shit anymore. I've been stressed to the max recently (only went to work 6 weeks ago from mat leave into a new job role which I'm still learning), and we are also in the process of moving house, as well as just trying to cope with grieving and looking after the baby and toddler. MIL is off work for about a week and a half over Christmas (apart from having to go in for half a day tomorrow) and so PIL have ample fucking opportunity to come to us if they so wish to. So I told DH to take the DDs with him to see them on Boxing day whilst I was at work, and I just told PILs when I last saw them a week and a bit ago that I'd just see them in the New Year as I was too busy at the moment to make it up to see them over Christmas. They may have been miffed but I'm past caring.