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Original poster

Present Disappointment...

36 replies

SantaStoleMyStocking · 19/12/2017 18:25

Name changed just in case...

Had my DB round for DHs birthday today - he left us with our christmas presents and if I'm honest, disappointment and annoyance.

It's his first christmas with his DS, and I've said numerous times throughout the year, not bothered for me and DH christmas - buy something nice for our DD instead.
We've bought them (DB and SIL and their DS) nice makeup and alcohol gifts because we wanted to - and their son - my nephew - a happyland fire engine, special book and had plans to buy the winnie the pooh book collection for DN birthday which is early new year.

Gifts given today - DD has a selection box. One that I saw in Asda last week for £1.50. That's it.
And we have gifts too - I have 2 and DH has a heavy obvious alcohol based one.

Am I being ungrateful? Or wrong to be annoyed? It's not the money, it's the lack of thought and effort. It's just me and DB and I'd consider us close and so I try my best to get nice thoughtful presents for him/SIL and now his son.

I'm just hurt and disappointed that he's ok with putting so little thought in.. maybe I just needed to get that off my chest.

Anyone offer me similar stories to cheer me up, or tell me I'm being a bit of a Christmas arse?

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 19/12/2017 18:37

Presumably your DD isn't a baby if he's bought her a selection box. What does he usually give her & you both? It sounds as though there are crossed- wires somewhere.

GottadoitGottadoit · 19/12/2017 19:13

I can understand why it’s annoying, but he’s not done anything too wrong here surely. You can’t really dictate what presents he buys you all.

Original poster
SantaStoleMyStocking · 19/12/2017 19:22

Sorry, vital details missing there.

DD is 2.5yo so it's her third christmas. Previously has had chocs and a teddy last year and a interactive toy with a book year before.

Her birthday this year was a toy phone so no lack of thought there. It's shocked and disappointed me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaStoleMyStocking · 19/12/2017 19:25

Yes it's not the trying to dictate but the old story of them not treating others how they'd like to be treated as well as my old thing of I wouldn't do that to them and I thought we had a better relationship than that.

It's not the money, could've bought her something from the poundshop for all I care about that, but something with thought and effort is all I ask.. maybe I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 19/12/2017 19:29

Maybe with a new baby they are cash strapped and too tired to come up with any good ideas?😴

WildRosesGrow · 19/12/2017 19:31

I can see why you might be a bit disappointed on behalf of your daughter but shocked seems a bit strong. I wonder if it usually your SIL who buys the gifts but this year, as they have a young baby, she has left it to your brother?

He's bought you each a gift and made sure they've all got to you before Christmas. I think this is more thoughtful than many other people, so try not to make it into a big deal. Your daughter is too little to be disappointed I would think, particularly as she will be getting lots of lovely gifts from everyone else.

letsdolunch321 · 19/12/2017 19:41

Next year, buy for your nephew only.

Lovemusic33 · 19/12/2017 19:44

I spend a bit on my niece and nephew, quite often I don’t get much in return usually because they are skint. I don’t really mind, I have taught my dd’s Not to expect anything from anyone so they don’t really notice if they don’t get a gift or if it’s just something small. It’s the thought that counts, at least he bought something.

GatherlyGal · 19/12/2017 19:46

I don't really get why people have expectations about gifts.

shocked and disappointed -really?? she's 2 for goodness sake will she care?

I was always taught to be grateful for a gift whatever it is. Teaching your kids to have high expectations of people around them is setting them up for a life of disappointments.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 19/12/2017 19:49

Maybe the haven’t got a lot of spare cash?

MrsHathaway · 19/12/2017 19:53

I wonder if it usually your SIL who buys the gifts but this year, as they have a young baby, she has left it to your brother?

This is what came to my mind too.

Try not to give to receive. Some people are terrible at presents (I don't think I'm very good but DH is bad) and some people are fine but don't take it hugely seriously so some years you'll get something generic or that misses the mark.

At least you got to spend time with them all.

Hmmalittlefishy · 19/12/2017 19:58

Are they nice people and did you have a good day with them?
If so try and focus on that.
It could have been a sleep deprived over look.
My sil is not nice and is very two faced and buys completely thoughtless gifts that she obviously chucked in the trolley without a care doing the food shopping. It's hard not to be hurt when you have bought something thoughtful but at least you know your dn will have nice gifts to open. And I am sure your dd has some lovely presents waiting for her from you.

Original poster
SantaStoleMyStocking · 19/12/2017 21:02

Thanks all for the part reality check. Shocked is a little strong I suppose but it's probably another feeling that I can't put my finger on.

Cash isn't an issue, at all.. and presents for another child in close family to them both only a month older than DD came up a couple of months ago as DB "wanted to get something nice and age appropriate" so.. and it's SIL who has bought presents like each of the past couple of years.

Anyway, Had an awful few days also which isn't helping how sensitive I am to things either so... thanks.

OP posts:
phoenix1973 · 19/12/2017 23:24

I barely see my sister. She's hot 2 kids under 3 one of whom I haven't met.
We're both at my mums and I've got the kids a tube of smarties each. I don't see them, they're drowning in toys so there you go.
The step sister has 3 under 5 who I have met and see twice a year. So I've got the boys a paw patrol cardi each and the girl a basket of pretend food for shopping. Again, drowning in toys, checked that their mum is ok before I bought. That's fine.
Most kids have toooo much stuff. Your DD will be fine.

AnnieHoo · 19/12/2017 23:46

My DB spends hardly anything on presents, just silly things from pound shop or "fun" items. It used to annoy me a little because I'd spend a fortune and my nephew was told all of his presents were from Santa, so we never got a thank you... Then I realised that I needed to be more gracious in my giving. It's MY choice to spend £150 on presents, I get a £5 present back. Looking back i know it's my weakness in spending rather than any reflection on my DBs love for us. A few years down the line he is in a position to spoil us with wonderful Christmas dinners and spends money on travelling to see us. It all balances out...

JoyceDivision · 19/12/2017 23:51

So you told him not to buy for you and dh, just dc, then you bought gifts for your DB and SIL, so he has bought you and your dh a gift (both yours and your db'sgift are alchohol based) and you are shocked?

I get the feeling either not flush and he's tried to match you gifting everyone and then telling him only to gift for dc, and had to stretch cash.

Next Christmas decide what buying plans are and be honest: if you plan to buy for everyone, tell him and don't try to 'over spend' on him... or says just teh dc and stick to it, don't say that then but him and his wife presents! I hate it when people do that! It makes you look like you haven't bothered when you followed the brief!

bert3400 · 19/12/2017 23:56

I think you just have to suck it up . My Dh family are rubbish at buying presents and I've just accepted this and look for other positives that they bring to the family. I had my 50th last year and my in-laws got me bath salts ...we don't have a bath only a shower!! . It's just one of those things. I see so many families fall out over minor things that manifest into full blown arguments . Life's to short . Happy Christmas 😁

LeMesmer · 20/12/2017 00:05

Pissed off that they can't be arsed and sad that they don't think more of you may be the feeling you are looking for. I had this for years with my brother, but neither he not his wife could be bothered with us. I'm not sure it is the same with your DB, as your DD has received some nice thoughtful gifts in the past. Some people are just rubbish at buying presents, and as others have said maybe it was left to your DB this year and he just isn't good at it. Also, your DD is so young he probably just bought something he thought she would like. Effectively he has bought her something from the pound shop, but for all you know he was pondering for ages what to get her, so it isn't as thoughtless as it may seem.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/12/2017 09:10

Agree that it was probably left to DB who hadn't a clue. My otherwise lovely Dh wouldn't have a clue either - his all-boy family have never done presents for each other or each other's kids. My family is the opposite!
Though youngest BiL did once make up for years of nothing when he came for Chr. dinner and gave dds (then early teens) £100 each! Joy was unconfined! Since then, years ago, again nothing.

I used to give to the BiLs kids, but stopped when nothing ever came back. It hasn't affected our friendly relationships, though. Please don't let this bother you or fester - it's just not worth it.

Lisamac1988 · 20/12/2017 09:35

You have bought there child a really nice thoughtful gift and they have given chocolate back...yeah I would be annoyed too😧

Lisamac1988 · 20/12/2017 09:39

I had the same thing with my brothers,I would always get there kids really nice and quite expensive presents and I got cheap tat that was chucked by Boxing Day because it was broken for our kids.i wouldn’t be bothered if they didn’t have much money but there all very well off and actually have better paid jobs than me.Its so much better now that we have decided to not get for each other’s kids for Christmas and just do birthdays.maybe try that for future years

TidyBadger · 20/12/2017 09:47

I'm always surprised at peoples gift expectations. Tbh, you sound a little like you are focused too much on the presents part of Christmas.
It's nice he made the effort to see you. It's nice he bought you all something.
It's up to you how you do presents. It's up to them how they do presents. Be grateful and glad that they bothered. Not everyone is focused on buying each other loads of stuff every year.
Your child will enjoy the chocolate. Smile

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 20/12/2017 09:49

My DH youngest sister doesn’t even give her niece or nephew (our dc) a present for birthdays or christmases yet buys for SILs dd. I’m not looking forward to exchanging presents when she’s up home for Christmas because of this it boils my piss, I even meantioned to MIL even if she got them a selection box each it would be something. Least to say I leave DH to get her something for Christmas and I get her nothing from the dc. We tried years ago with money in a card along with a present and gift off the kids which she didn’t even bother to open! Sounds like it would be best to say no presents to avoid disappointment.

Chienrouge · 20/12/2017 09:57

and I've said numerous times throughout the year, not bothered for me and DH christmas - buy something nice for our DD instead

If you’ve talked about Christmas presents ‘numerous times throughout the year’, it sounds like you’re quite hung up on the importance of gifts?

DoubleLottchen · 20/12/2017 10:11

Is your daughter happy with the present though? Maybe your brother thought she would like it. Maybe he was remembering getting a selection box from a family member himself as a child, and wanted to recreate that.

My niece is 2 and a half. She came along to the school Christmas fair with us and won a small selection box from a tombola stall.
She dropped everything she was carrying - in fact tossed them all aside (it was a couple of nice books SIL had picked up from her from the book stall, and her teddy), carried the selection box clutched to her chest for the rest of the day, despite SIL's attempts to coax it away from her, and announced proudly to everyone she met "My got my own chocolate in there".

Children and adults view presents differently. Don't try and overly control your brother's relationship with his niece, or set up some hieararchy of which presents are deemed most appropriate and worthy. Let them find their own way.

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