Whats the etiquette for presents here?

[FritzDonovan]

Seeing both dsis and dbro with their partners and dc at xmas, all at my parents. All have been pretty skint over the past few years and even though we get together they decided on a no presents policy for xmas/birthdays many years ago. Fair enough, we're all in the same boat.
However, got a text from sil saying she wanted to do kids presents this year as they were coming down to parents this year (pretty sure they were there last yr, but never mind). They now have 3 dc, the rest of us stuck at 2. Have asked what the budget is, but no reply yet.
Sil has one baby, one toddler, all other dc are 7+. What would be a good/fair way to distribute the budget? An amount per kid (bearing in mind sil youngest has already inherited two lots of plastic tat) so me and dsis shell out more, or an amount per family, so its equal outlay?
Please don't flame me for being a scrooge! They made the no presents rule at a time of poverty, now we are cutting back and she suddenly announces presents we hadn't planned on!

Spend what you can afford. You've asked her to set the budget and she may say £10 per child rather than an overall budget. I always spend £10 per child on nieces/nephews/ best friends kids. Shop in Black Friday sales to get more for my money.

That's max £10, could be less.

Why does SIL get to unilaterally change the previous agreement? Just say you are happy with the no presents agreement and that the children get enough stuff at Christmas.

Budget per child would be more normal. I don't spend less on my twin nephews on my DH's side than my nephew on my side just because they happened to be twins...wouldn't be very fair.

But yes, I agree with PPS - if you don't want to do presents then just tell her. Or if you do decide to then just spend what you can afford.

I spend between £ 5-10 per child for about ten nieces and nephews. You can buy lovely gifts for all ages for that amount of money. No one in my family would wish for anyone to be really out of pocket though. One year I was in the middle of moving house, it was all v expensive and traumatic. I just messaged siblings to let them know I wasn't in a position to buy that year. No one batted an eyelid and the next year things went back to normal. There really shouldn't be this level of angst that I see on here about giving and receiving gifts. If you want and can afford to give, then give. If you cant for whatever reason just say and don't. I also think its good to remember that you give because you want to not to receive

Why not buy something all the kids can join in with on the day? So a pack of craft stuff/ board games/ something like skittles they can play outside? Even a holiday movie dvd? They can all unwrap a bit and then enjoy together. Saves spending on each and setting a precedent for next year...

My sil1 my DB wife spends less on our three then Sil on my dh side. We try to match what it spent on both sides so if Sil 1 spends 30-40 on my three dc. We spend that on DN1 but I know Sil2 spends £25-30 on each of our dc we spend more on dn2 so it’s even in terms of what is spent but it’s different when the ratio of kids is one to 3 when sil1 has second baby they will get £20 spend on them each. That’s what I would do to work it out op.

Either a 5-10£ budget per child, or a family boardgame.

But tbh i'd just tell her "no, we are happy with the usual arrangement". And repeat like a stuck record, don't get into a debate.

I'm a sewer and made some of these one year for our 8 nieces/nephews as no way could we afford £60+ if you have a friend with a machine they are piss easy!

Woops! Attach pic, you div!

I kike the idea of something for all the 7+ kids to do. A movie, microwave popcorn, box hot choc mix. There are enough bits that each child could unwrap something and then all head off to do it. The baby could get a teething toy and the toddler something to zoom around

I spend differently every year for my nieces and nephew, just stick to what you can afford. With places like TK Max and Home Bargains you can get something nice for £10 or less.

@elQuinto
What did you make? Can't find. Link, and interested as I sew.

Sorry to derail your thread OP

StillRunning google: candy cane reindeer.

They are two cane canes(wrapped!) in a little felt pocket, googly eyes plus red pom pom nose, or how you wish. They went down a storm with the kids ages 5-16!

reindeer

Oh and i embroidered their name on the back, so they can fill them every year. They sit on the Christmas tree nicely.

Thanks, those might just come in very handy :-)

I've never discussed a budget with anyone. Surely, you spend what you like, on who you like? It's not something to be dictated by anyone else I wouldn't have thought.

Could you do a secret Santa where each child buys for another?
I've done this with my friends when we have a ridiculous amount of children between us and it works out well as you only buy for the amount of children you have, seems fair.

However... being a mum of 3 myself it makes me a little sad that some people think like this, it's not the child's fault she is a third.

With family presents I buy, I do spend the same on my nieces or nephews. I wouldn't split the same price in one family because they had more children.

I would say the etiquette is to stick to your guns regarding no presents. This is going to get more expensive as the years go on. We used to have lots to buy for. Great nieces and nephews as well as our own children and grandchildren. About 20 children in all. When I suggested to BiLs that we stop they were both relieved. ISome families I know stop buying when the children reach a certain age. This is another minefield.

being a mum of 3 myself it makes me a little sad that some people think like this, it's not the child's fault she is a third
Its not anything to do with the child at all - whatever the outcome, she will receive the same care and consideration as her siblings, its just a bit more difficult buying without input from the parents for later dc with a lot of stuff already. (bit of a back story regarding sil, dc presents and general ingratitude, already a bit of a minefield which is why i would like to be as fair and equitable to everyone's dc...but thats a different story)
I don't think id get away with not doing presents, now sil has made that decision. I would be being selfish and cheap, etc, i suspect. Ppl already treat her differently in the family because of her previous behaviour and attitude so i don't want to give any ammunition for starting disagreement when we're all together at xmas.
Secret santa is a lovely idea, but shes already told me what she wants to buy, so again, don't want to rock the applecart.
I think im left waiting for her to get back to me re budget. At least if i go with that theres no room for complaint moneywise ( pass-agg present 'suitability' comments still possible!)
elQuinto v cute
Thx for your views!

How did your SIL get to change the rules without question, but you'll be vilified for saying you'd rather not change back?

Because i suspect i will be seen as the one trying to cause trouble. Sil goes from one extreme to another (admittedly she's on meds) but has caused big upsets in the past because things haven't been to her liking. Apparently the meds dont work so well every so often, but coincidentally its always her blowing up and being extremely rude (to both of my dparents on separate occasions, and me when I calmly and politely (!) defended dm). Both dsis and myself are told to basically tiptoe around her, everyone does so she doesn't make life difficult for dbro. She's quite rude and dismissive of him at the best of times, so thats not down to the meds not working, i suspect. He works like a dog for the family money, which she spends like water which is why they're skint. Basically everyone is trying to keep her sweet. Still haven't heard back about the budget

Don’t ask again about the budget- remind her why there was the no present agreement and given that you are all a bit skint the budget will be £x per family for the kids.
That way she knows what to expect but won’t say a huge amount which you guys can’t afford.

OP, not only are you allowing your SiL to make the decision about presents, but you are willing to let her decide on the budget, too?

If you really can’t just tell you are keeping to the previous arrangement, just pay what you can afford.

I know how difficult it is when someone makes life difficult for someone you care about. From childhood, we put up with so much from my mother, because not to do so, would make things bad for my dad. With hindsight I realise that he was an adult and we just made her more entitled. She blamed illness and meds too.

I spend £20 on my nephew. Max of £10 on two of my little ones cousins (they spend a lot of time together, usually 3-4 hours a week) and between £10-20 pounds on my best friends little one. We don’t price match. We just spend what we can afford