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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Christmas present dilemma - To buy or not to buy?

59 replies

TooMuchFamilyDrama · 18/07/2017 16:20

(I know this is months away but our families always start planning and buying in August so want to sort this asap)

Christmas is a really big 'hoo ha' every year in our family.
Things are a bit tight for us this year however as we're saving to buy a house and a couple of friends mentioned that their families only do presents for children at Christmas and get some nice cards for the adults.

These friends have children on all sides of their family though so it's pretty even but both DH and I have a sibling each, neither of them have children so I don't want it to come across like we expect without giving back.

This would be great for us though but I know both sides of the family would be unhappy as my mum and DH mum both expect good gifts and get very upset if they aren't good enough 😒

WIBU to suggest we're only buying presents for our DS and that we don't expect any from anyone else?

(The thing is that they will still probably buy him things, they are very materialistic and it's like a crazy competition to be the best between the four grandparents!)

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 18/07/2017 18:31

In the past, we always bought for our parents as we figured they'd spent years buying for us as children. But my siblings and I didn't buy for each other or each other's children as it was just too expensive.

keepingmymouthshut · 18/07/2017 19:00

Ffs people RTFT
She's saying to tell the family they can only afford to buy for their son and don't expect any other presents from anyone even for the little one

bimbobaggins · 18/07/2017 19:08

I think people are only suggesting a limit at which they can afford it. If I couldn't afford anything then I would have no hesitation to say so rather than spend money I should be spending on bills

SummerMummy88 · 18/07/2017 20:58

I think setting price limits such as £25 per person is a much better idea than saying only buy for the kids if nobody else has children. It's nice to get gifts at Christmas but I don't think it matters if it's a small or large gift.

PoppingGlitter · 18/07/2017 21:47

I suggested a secret santa for the adults on DH side, about 15 yrs ago when the family started expanding (him and his siblings all had kids within a two year period) as it was just getting too expensive buying for everyone. All agreed, and SIL & BIL were ecstatic as they were feeling the cost of buying for everyone.

Price limit of £20, that way you at least get a decent gift instead of the usual shite (soaps, candles, socks etc).

We still bought for the kids, although now they're mostly all teens it's more of a token gift these days.

nannybeach · 18/07/2017 21:59

My (late) parents desided when we went to my Nans for Christmas, by the time folk got married had babies, there were 35 people, just buy for the kids, everything fine still had good time, fast forward married OH with bros and sisters, they bought for our 1 DD (not my other DKs from previous marriage) yet I bought for their 4, crippled ourselves, creit card every year, buying stuff we knew full well they didnt like want or need, eventually, said we arent buying presents this year, (we had b ig mortgage, they didnt) they got the arse, stopped speaking. Ridiculous, watch martin Lewes.

JakeBallardswife · 18/07/2017 23:03

I think the secret santa idea is great. DH's family are so bloody worthy when it comes to Christmas. Rather than just buy something nice but inexpensive they like the idea it can be useful or handmade. I've had some real shit over the years from all of them. Would rather of just had a pair of socks, gloves or a really nice scarf and forget the crap. Last year was a steamer, year before an expensive spatula. They so don't get me.

But if we could just spend say £20 -£30 on one adult, it would be cheaper and you'd be able to buy something quite nice.

Kids presents, we get stuff like PJ's, clothes and underwear for the kids and wrap them as well as something they'd like and books, always lots of books. But MIL, and SIL /BIL always say they've so much. It does look a nice pile but its stuff they would've got anyway!

Christmas makes me irrationally annoyed with their version of it every year.

JakeBallardswife · 18/07/2017 23:04

Meant to add, I made them a selection of Chutneys, jams and chocolates last year and put it into a hamper. Inexpensive as I did the same for my Dad who loved it. They however 'forgot' the present when they went home. So we ate it!

Ohyesiam · 18/07/2017 23:42

I have very materialistic/ competative family. Set your boundaries and let them get on with it. Say what they can expect from you, no way will you be able to control what they do, and that's fine.

Original poster
TooMuchFamilyDrama · 19/07/2017 07:09

Thank-you everyone for your replies.
I mentioned secret Santa to in laws last night and it was instantly dismissed as being ridiculous 😒

My MIL is the kind of person that gives lots of presents but they have no personal meaning and are things that don't suit me / I don't like / basically tat!
And I know that's what she likes for herself.
We bought her 2 really thoughtful and personalised gifts last year and FIL called up DH the next day to say how disappointed he was that we'd only spent £10 on MIL and how upset she was!
I was so cross! (And it was more than £10 but she can't see past £££ and see the thought and meaning behind it)

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 19/07/2017 07:25

Why are you the one mentioning it? Where is your OH in this?

Original poster
TooMuchFamilyDrama · 19/07/2017 07:42

My DH doesn't want to get into an argument and FIL can be a bit of a loose canon (shouting and saying nasty things that really hurt DH) if he gets angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooMuchFamilyDrama · 19/07/2017 07:47

I'm quite happy to handle in laws but don't know how to go about this atm.

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 19/07/2017 07:53

They sound a nightmare frankly and you have bigger issues than the cost of xmas presents imo. You will never please them so why try?
Tell them what you are doing and stick to it and let them get on with it !

3luckystars · 19/07/2017 07:55

Could you suggest a kris kindle £50, just one good present for each person.

If they want to exchange other presents among themselves then they can but yourself and your husband are unable to afford anything else.

Talk to them all, ask them to try it this year and put all adults names in a hat. Whoever you get, buy that person a really good gift and that's all.
No gifts for children because santa brings them.

Emeralda · 19/07/2017 07:56

I think Christmas is really interesting in a way because everyone has a different version of it in their heads, with lots of different meanings attached. For example, I put a lot of effort into finding presents I think someone will like because I believe it shows that I care if I have put time and effort into finding something someone will really like. I prefer shopping for other people than myself. SIL (who I love dearly) prefers to give and receive vouchers because she says that gives someone the joy of wandering around the shops and choosing something for themselves. We're both right. We compromise now. I can't bring myself to buy vouchers for my DNs though.

In this situation, you can't win against such strong ideas about Christmas so you're probably best to decide what's best for you and your family, stick to your guns gracefully and take the flak for it. It's probably a good idea to discuss it now so that the dust can settle before Christmas.

TittyGolightly · 19/07/2017 08:29

No gifts for children because santa brings them.

Why would you assume that?!

TittyGolightly · 19/07/2017 08:33

We went cold turkey on presents when my MIL bought me a CD of housework songs and a tea towel. DH told her we wouldn't be doing presents from that point on (no children in the family then) and when we visited before Xmas each year we would just take some small edible treats for them to have over the Xmas period (crackers and cheese/chocolates/wine etc). Nothing nicer IMO.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 19/07/2017 09:29

How about making some gifts? I make chocolates - well, I melt nvery nice chocolate down, add some nice honey roast nuts, pop them in a silicone mould type thing and wrap them in sparkly paper!

We have a silly amount of family on both sides and xmas would be just a financial nightmare if we gave gifts to all - DP still wants to even though we are poor and simply do not have that excess amount to spend on tat nobody needs and have I to stand firm. Everybody buys for the kids though.

yellowgymball · 19/07/2017 09:37

They should very grabby and ungrateful, and hard work.

I wouldn't say no gifts at all for adults when you are the only ones with kids, but I would work out what you can afford and explain that before hand.

Say £15 per person or something in that region? That's plenty for a DVD, book, pjs, some perfumes/aftershave, a voucher even. All perfectly lovely gifts, not tat. And easy to pick up one or two things a month in the run up to Christmas.

Ultimately it's up to the giver what they want to spend and buy, and the receiver should be grateful and be happy.

Original poster
TooMuchFamilyDrama · 19/07/2017 09:38

Maude that's a good idea - I will have a look at a few things me & DS can make 😊

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 19/07/2017 09:39

I wouldn't say no gifts at all for adults when you are the only ones with kids, but I would work out what you can afford and explain that before hand.

Why join in with the ridiculous consumerfest at all though?

KitKat1985 · 19/07/2017 09:44

I think a compromise here if your / DH's family are big 'present givers' is say you are struggling financially this year and will be only buying token gifts of about £10 for everyone, and that is obviously all you would want in return too. It might be better accepted by them than not buying / wanting presents at all if they are really into present exchanging.

yellowgymball · 19/07/2017 09:44

Why join in with the ridiculous consumerfest at all though*

Some people enjoy giving and receiving of gifts?

The OP already stated Christmas is a big hoo ha in her family?

TittyGolightly · 19/07/2017 09:52

Some people enjoy giving and receiving of gifts?

Ooh, I love giving and receiving of thoughtful gifts. I'd just rather do it to my own timetable rather than retailers.